i'm going to explode!

today i told DH that we need to make a rule of no visitors - grandparents included - past eight pm. we need to at that point start to dim lights and just calm things down. well, it's after 8, his parents are still here hanging out, singing to them, lights are bright... why doesn't anyone ever listen to the mother? i'm very close to telling my DH that he is 100% on his own tonight when the girls won't sleep. it just pisses me off. no one listens to me. i'm desperately trying to start some sort of schedule and i can't because everyone else comes in and does whatever the **** they want. i want to scream at everyone to just leave me and the babies alone.
and as for the feedings... they should eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. everytime they cry does NOT mean they're hungry. but DH and his mom just keep sticking bottles in their mouths (i'm bottle feeding bm if that means anything)... i don't want my kids going to food for comfort. i don't know what else to do.
i'm seriously going to lose my mind.
had to vent.
thanks.

 

Tell them to leave! Seriously!! Tell them that you want to start a bedtime routine and you cant with people there. Sometimes with being a mom, means you have to put your foot down to EVERYONE, dont leave it up to your dh, b/c they wont do it! And everytime they cry and you know they arent hungry, just say "they arent hungry, try X with them" Seriously mama, you need to grow some b@lls or people will walk all over you. You cant worry about who you will offend or hurt, you have to do what is best for your babies, you and your dh.....Good luck!

 

JUST DO IT DANIELLE.....just dim the lights and start shsshhhsshhhing them and they'll get the hint. I actually think at 6-7 weeks you are probably fine with what's going on (although....dim the lights regardless to reflect night time). We didn't get a real schedule till 4 mos. for what that's worth!

If you don't want people there just say - OOPS! It's 8:00 visiting is over for today. I'm wiped and I still have this this and this to do (maybe they'll take a hint and help you with dishes or pump parts...NO...that's better...say 8:00 time for chores. Who's going to load the dishwasher?)

 

:hug99:

I'm sorry. I know that's tough. I always get frustrated with DH because he holds off putting DS1 to bed so they can play. His bedtime is at 8:00, and he doesn't understand that I'm not trying to be mean, but trying to save myself the headache of him being cranky and hard to deal with the next day.

Could you nicely say "it's time for bed" and take them to their rooms? Just a quick, "good night, grandma! good night grandpa" and off you go.

 

oh, i feel your pain!!! i don't have the "they're hungry, shove a bottle in their mouth" issue since i'm nursing but understand the need to set boundaries with the IL. it's soooo tough. our IL live an hour 1/2 away but want to come all of the time. we just spent a week with them (just 7 days ago). they called today to see when they could visit! let's just say that the babies are STILL recovering from last week. i told dh that we really should not have visitors for the next few weeks. i even posted a topic about ds having "arm fever" from never being put down over thanksgiving. what people don't understand is how overstimulating it is for them to be held, bounced, sung to, rocked, etc. all the time. also, whenever a baby is crying and i say, "they're tired...it's time to nap"...my IL will say, they are alright..they just want to be held. yikes! it is frustrating to be the "bad guy". my dh has a difficult time setting limits with his family too. but he is really working on it & understands the importance of it. just today he said he needs to really think through what he will say whenever they talk and be prepared to set boundaries with them. i love that he is so sensitive and that he does not want to be hurtful...but it is so important for our husbands to be the ones to help establish & reinforce the routines that make life run more smoothly. really, all that matters is what is best for your babies. if people don't like or understand it, oh well. they had their turn at raising children and need to give you both the freedom to do what is right for your family.

i hope you can get support from your dh and that the new visitor curfew is effective. keep us posted!

 

If you are thinking of starting a routine at bedtime (I started at 9 weeks) then I would just start doing it. I had tried alot of different things to get the nighttimes going and what ended up working was keeping the lights low and whispering around bedtime. Once I found what worked there was absolutely no way anyone was messing with that. As a result, I was sooo adamant about not having a light on in their room while I changed them, dressed them in pj's and gave them their bedtime bottle. I had the light on in the room outside their room with the door open just enough to be able to see dribbles etc. This soo bothered my MIL and I am not kidding when I tell you I would follow her around shutting off lights (when she was here at bedtime she would want to dress them in the living room because I had the light off in their bedroom, I would go into the living room and turn off the light, she would go in the dining room and I would turn off the light.........I am soooo not kidding at all!). Even when we were at her house I would make sure it was dark. I was the one that had to endure a non restful night if it happened so I was going to keep the bedtime routine the same no matter who was here of where we were.


I wouldn't necessarily kick them out but I absolutely would go about my business of the routine with the children. We have 7 or 8 people over every Wed night and still even then the routine is the routine, if they want to help then fine if not then stay out of my way :winking0009: ! My friends stay until 11 so I have no problem with late visitors but I will not let them effect something that works soo well!

 

QUOTE(angie7 @ Dec 2 2007, 09:21 PM) [snapback]517986[/snapback]
Tell them to leave! Seriously!!
Ditto!!

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Dec 2 2007, 09:23 PM) [snapback]517988[/snapback]
JUST DO IT DANIELLE.....just dim the lights and start shsshhhsshhhing them and they'll get the hint.
Ditto!!

QUOTE(4lilmonkeys @ Dec 2 2007, 09:29 PM) [snapback]517994[/snapback]
Could you nicely say "it's time for bed" and take them to their rooms? Just a quick, "good night, grandma! good night grandpa" and off you go.
Ditto!!

QUOTE(kj2racing @ Dec 2 2007, 09:42 PM) [snapback]518012[/snapback]
If you are thinking of starting a routine at bedtime (I started at 9 weeks) then I would just start doing it.
Ditto!!


Geez, I have a lot to say, don't I? Seriously, I do agree with everyone. You need to set a precedent now as their mom. That was a hard thing for me but once I saw how everyone respected me for putting my foot down, rather than resist me, I continued to do it. Good luck!! :hug99:

eta: Maybe "respected me" wasn't the right thing. Essentially I meant that I didn't get any flack from everyone, as I expected to get from my family. I think that sounds better.

 

Oh, I feel your pain.... i had to stick to our bedtime routine while visiting in-laws....I had a conversation with DH up front so we could present a united front (they didn't understand the need for an early bedtime but then again- THEY aren't the ones who are with the girls every day.

We also didn't really start a bedtime routine til the girls were three months (or was it four,who remembers??)....but now Iam pretty adament about it. I also told DH no evening visitors - after we had some and the girls were fussy andimpossible.

I think HE needs to let his parents know that you do have this routine and while they are welcome to visit the routine needs to be respected...and yes, you should just BEGIN when it's time. And if people protest, try to just smile and say 'this is our bedtime routine,G'night Grandma/Grandpa.....Don't make it a discussion because it's YOUR house, your babies.

as a wise woman once said to me: 'We don't ask permission to set boundaries"

Good luck!

 

so sorry to hear this. People think that twins are cute and adorable and public property and that they can do what ever they want when they want. I had the same problem, now we only have friends and family over in the afternoons, and i let them know when bedtime routime starts that we need to be alone. I had some raised eyebrows, but i am the mom.

 

I am SOOOOOO sorry that you are going through this. I had similar freak out times over the last few months. Lucky for me my DH is supportive of the cry not meaning hungry all the time. He doesn't quite get the night routine thing but my MIL is horrible about it. At least with my folks I have a relationship where I can just tell them not to talk to them anymore. Has your DH seen your plan work? That seemed to make the turn for us.

My MIL usually doesn't want to leave (my father-in-law passed away a year ago now and she is lonely). I feel bad but I just started telling her exactly what I wanted. It is my house after all and my kids. She saw it work and now is a little more on board. Still wants to talk to them constantly....not sure how to solve that.

Hope things improve. For your own sake just tell it like it is I think.

Our babes will just stop sucking on the bottle....do yours? Someone else told me (in regards to BFing) that they would not feed if crys were within 1 1/2 hours of a good feeding. It helps me stay clear with hunger crying.

Good luck....I feel your pain!

 

i feel ya, mama. my husband invited a "house guest" to come "visit" when the babies were three weeks old. they are ten weeks old on wednesday. "guest" is still here not paying a dime and screwing up my bedtime routine because he is constantlly in my space. i can't feed both twins infront of him so that has been all screwed up.
makes me mad!

 

I agree with all the PP's -- YOU are the mom, just do what you need to do!

And I cringed when I read that they're being given EBM when they're not hungry -- oy, I pump for my kiddos too, and I sweat for every drop -- I couldn't stand the thought of wasting it!

 

DH and I had major problems with this from the beginning of starting our routine. He was singing to them and kissing all over their faces while all the lights were on and the tv was blaring. It was absolutely maddening. Now that it is his responsibility to put them to bed on his shift, his tune has completely changed.

 

WOW!!! I am so totally dealing with the same 2 issues!! I have finally grown into the "Tough Mom" for my boys! Every Sunday my family gets together and end up hanging out until late. My one takes a little longer to put down so I like to give them there last bottle around 8:30. My boys would go off routine and be up all night when they didn't get to sleep during the first few weeks. i have since started taking them up to their room with the lights out & quiet at 8:30 and telling everyone goodnight! As for the bottle pushing, I totally let them stress me out of breast feeding. During the first few weeks EVERYONE was here trying to help. Long did they know they were interfering. I would feed one at a time for a good 25-45 minutes until they fell asleep then go to the other one to feed. Well, a few minutes later, the other one that was just feeding would wake up crying. Everyone would exclaim, "They're still hungry!" So...I would give them a bottle of formula since I was only pumping 40 ml total after 30 minutes & didn't have enough to share with each of them. So, after giving up breastfeeding altogether with the feeling of disappointment in not being able to satisfy my boys I spoke with their doctor about why I did so. I was told NOT to use food as a comfort because it would eventually lead to being overweight & using food as comfort throughout their childhood years until their adulthood. So I now grew the audasity to tell people that I am the MOM and everything I do is with good reasoning and in conjunction with the Doctor's orders!! I want only the BEST for both of my sons and will do only the best things for them!! After all,...MOM KNOWS BEST!! Isn't that what our mothers told us!! So now let us be the mother we need to be!!

So my advice to you...next time you need to put your twins to bed or take the bottle out of their mouth...DO IT MOMMY!! For your babies sake! Be strong for them!!

 

Don't be a people pleaser!!!! :hug99: I know, so much easier said than done. Just from my own personal experience, lay down the law now!!! You will find that people are always quick to judge how and what you do with your babies, but the bottom line is that it is YOU that is up until 2am when they won't fall asleep because they are over tired. The babies are not there for other peoples entertainment and especially when they are in YOUR house. Just walk in and politely say "OK guys it's time for ME to start getting them ready for bed" and then just walk over and take one and ask DH to grab the other. They will get the hint. Just last night (my boys are 7 months old!) my MIL says to me "Oh my god they are such good babies when they take naps". I wanted to say "Really, seriously, they are? No #$%$ I've been telling you this for the last 6 months and you thought I was crazy." Set the ground rules now, or it really will get out of hand and you will spend way more time than necessary resenting your inlaws.

 

What ended up happening last night?

I agree that at some point you will have to just put your foot down and tell everyone this is how it will be unless they are spending the night and getting up with the kids all night long.
Sorry you have to deal with that.

 

Oh I totally feel you! My husband says I am too controlling when it comes to the girls ... but WHY don't people understand that when they AREN'T there to help you ... you HAVE to have the twins on a manageable system for you to do alone. My Mom has great intentions and she comes to help a lot but when it is naptime and they are smiling and cooing ... even though I KNOW they are tired ... she smiles and coos back ... I am like ... it is NAPTIME ... if you stimulate them, they will never go to sleep then they will be overtired bears all day.

He says that I always tell him how to do things with the girls ... and I know I do ... but if I have tried 10 things and X works better than Y and he is doing Y ... why am I going to watch him fumble through what I have already tried?! I am with them 24/7 ... I am a SAHM. I may not always know what works. I do, however, know what doesn't work.

One night, after Hannah's bath, he took her back downstairs and his Mom was visiting ... she was nursed, bathed, lotioned, PJed and swaddled ... only needed to be rocked to sleep. When I came down after Meredith was bathed and in bed ... his Mom had Hannah unswaddled and was playing with her ... kicking her feet, making faces with her ... and I know it is just b/c she loves being with them ... but it was NOT conducive to getting her to sleep!!! So, I made a rule ... bathtime starts at no later than 7 PM and after bathtime they are not allowed out of their room.

 

That is not best for the babies. You have to protect what is best for the babies. Be firm. On another note, my girls are EBF and they eat every 2 hours. I've tried to get them to go 2.5 for weeks...we always fall back into the 2 hours schedule. That's when they are hungry. Breast milk digests faster than formula so it may be that they need to eat more frequently.

Tell the in-laws to pound sand! Make DH read about sleep.
Best wishes!

 

I am feeling your pain. I have in-laws that are very very needy and feel like it is their right to come over daily. They seem to not care about our schedule. We also have two older boys that have homework and bath and dinner and bed and they will come over when they please and just ruin everything. If we do not follow our daily family schedule our house does not run right. I am too trying to find a way to deal with the in-laws.

 

I just wanted to add that I dealt with a lot of this in the beginning too. Are these your first? These two are my first and I think everyone was just assuming that I didn't have a clue. BUt I more than did.

ANyway, I HATED when people would would let the babies fall asleep on their chests when the person was laying down. I was frightened the holder would fall asleep and the baby would roll off. Maybe a little over the top, but it's my freaken kid! ANyway, one night, a family member who is extremely strong willed was doing just that. I just made the decision right then and there that I didn't care if she got offended. Imagine if I had just let it pass so as not to rock the boat and the baby did roll off? I would really kick myself. Well, I walked over, picked up my daughter, woke up my family member (not on purpose) and said, "That makes me nervous." She was ready for a rebuttle, but I didn't even stick around to hear it. I truly didn't care.

TO this day, she does NOTHING she feels is imposing without asking me first. Stand your ground! You are your children's advocate! Good luck....

Also, I think people really just don't realize. Try to look at it with the attitude of, "They don't know what the rules are yet." And also, try to look at it as "they're not doing it to belittle my authority." Even if in your heart of hearts you know that may be the case, it'll help you get a hold of the situation.

 

Why on earth should you have to put up with this garbage? Just put your foot down. Do things your way, period. If they think you're a b****, too bad.

QUOTE
On another note, my girls are EBF and they eat every 2 hours. I've tried to get them to go 2.5 for weeks...we always fall back into the 2 hours schedule. That's when they are hungry. Breast milk digests faster than formula so it may be that they need to eat more frequently.


Agree with this - it only takes 90-120 min to digest breastmilk. They may really be hungry more often than every 3 hrs. (Now of course if they've just eaten and somebody's sticking a bottle in their mouths, that's no good.)

 

i agree with dianne,

figure out your schedule with your dh.. make him do the dishes at 8 oclock if thats what it takes..

people are dense..

they can sit there and twiddle their thumbs..

you do what you have to..

good luck

 

We'd do their normal bedtime routine whether guests were there or not. If friends were over, the lights still got dimmed, babies were fed and put to bed! Luckily, everyone respected our routine and knew how adamant we were about it. If we were out somewhere, wedding, etc, we'd insist on leaving fairly early so bedtime wasn't too late. We'd always get the "leaving so early?", but we knew it wasn't worth keeping them up late.

It did help though, that DH totally saw the need for their routine. He was even the one that suggested an eariler bedtime when they were around 4 months or so, which I didn't even think would work, but went over very well.

Good luck! You have to do what works for you and the babies and not worry about everybody else. I do agree though, that DH should back you up, especially if its his family.

 

what ended up happening last night?

we had and still have, very strict rules! Everyone out by 7:30!! I dont' care who you are!! I breastfed and was not comfortable doing it in front of everyone, so if it was feeding time, people had to leave too!

I didn't really care who I pissed off, I knew what was best for the babies.

I was lucky though, DH totally agreed with me and would make his parents leave when it was time.

 

Oh man! Reading this thread made my blood pressure skyrocket!

I had to deal with the same thing when the babies came home (they're 6 months now). It took me a long time to get the courage to stand up for myself and my kids and it was hard but SO WORTH IT. I only wish I had done it sooner. In my case, DH and MIL were offended but got the picture (though she still moans about me behind my back and tries to undermine me in subtler ways) and FIL was so supportive once I laid down the law.

Being a new mom feels like being the only sober person at the party. Everyone else is excited about the new babies and they want to play and cuddle with them, which is understandable. However, they don't always realize that you are physically, mentally and emotionally at your most vulnerable. Your only concern should be your children and anyone who is getting in your way is not only selfish but cruel, in my opinion. Get your pen out, write down your schedule and post it on the wall. Laminate it. Frame it. Hand out wallet size copies to your in laws. Your babies would say "thank you, Mom" if they could.

It's not easy to be a b***h, but if your family supports you they will not take it personally. If they don't support you, they don't deserve your respect.

Good luck!

 

so last night i got into an argument with DH about the feeding and it got us no where. then i told him the lights need to be dimmed, so at least he did that. after giving up on it all (i'm so exhausted, and didn't feel like arguing in front of his parents, tho they needed to hear it, too), i went to lie down, and then could hear them talking about how they are hungry so just feed them. let me also just tell you that his mom gave one of her other grandsons COLA to drink at TEN MONTHS OLD. so i can't take any advice from her, because of things like that. the girls were up after the IL's left, and at midnight we had to take them for a car ride because Ivana was inconsolable (my guess is over feeding and tummy ache). then we got home and Marina woke up because she needed to be changedand fed, and DH nicely went to bed while i had to take over. i'm just so frustrated. i feel like it's DH's family's ways against my family's ways. argh.
thanks, everyone, for your input.
i just can't wait till we move a little further from the IL's (we're like 2 minutes away).

 

That stinks. Sorry. If it were me, I would just tell them that there are no visitors after a certain time until you get the girls on a schedule and things start to flow a bit better. Then when the chaos settles down when the turn 18, invite them back. :laughing:

Seriously, you lay down the rules as parents and it is up to DH to follow through with HIS parents. Evening "chill" time is great for everyone!!