I'm going insane!

We've had the twins home for a week and a half, but can't seem to find a happy medium for the night time feedings.

The twins have decided that they want to wake for feedings at 11 pm, 2 am, 5 am, & 8 am. My DH gets up for work at 6 am and is not wanting to wake up for the 5 am feeding, but he also doesn't want to go to bed until midnight to 1 AM. So, I get help with the 11 pm feeding, but I'm on my own for all of the rest. Plus, I'm on my own all day long. DH doesn't understand why I'm so tired and stressed out. :angry:

I ready through the stickies of helpful suggestions and still need a lot of help.

I've tried changing the twin's feeding schedule by an hour so that I would get more help from DH, but they are NOT cooperating! I've been topping them off with a little more milk at 9 pm and midnight in hopes that they will go off of the last time they were fed, but that didn't work.

Sorry I hope this post makes since. I'm running on fumes and m 2 older boys are running me ragged. DH is asleep on the couch next to me and I'm so jealous! All I want is 2 hours of sleep...
I'm feeling really alone and i don't have any family that can lend a hand. All of my girlfriends told me they'd be more than happy to help, but no one has even come over to visit the babies and won't return my calls and text messages. So, I'm even more pissed that all these people who call themselves my 'friends' aren't following through on months of promises of help!

Sorry to vent...I just feel really alone and all everyone does is take, take, take. My 2 older boys are craving attention and mommy is the ONLY one who gets that they are feeling so left out. DH just doesn't get it. I try to explain what I need and how to help and it's like I'm speaking a foreign language! He just tells me how tired he is...I guess he thinks raising kids and taking care of neworn twins is not exhausting nor 'work'!!


Grrrrrrrr...

If anyone can give any advise at all, I'd be super grateful! I'm sick of crying along with the babies and begging them to burp while trying my hardest to be gentle with the little guys. I NEVER thought I would have to control myself to this extent. I found myself having thoughts of wanting to shake one of the twins and let him lay down and CIO just so I wouldn't hurt him! Do I need professional help?!? I'm on an antidepressant. Am I a horrible mommy? I don't feel like I deserve these babies. Why would I have all of these negative feelings over 2 precious babies that are totally helpless?!? I feel like the worst person in the world just to have these thoughts and feelings, but again I have NO ONE to talk to. any one I do try to talk to just hands me a line of BS and the whole 'sleep when they're sleeping' crap. All I can do is nod my head while thinking, "Do you think I'm stupid? Don't you think I've tried that !?!"

Anyway, I'm going to stop venting now. I could go on all day. Plus, my middle boy is begging for food.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way! I wish I had some good advice. My twins are only 6 weeks and I haven't found a feeding schedule yet at night that I'm happy with. I CAN tell you though that I completely understand where you are coming from. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown the first three weeks my babies were here. I was a MESS! No sleep, doing it all myself just like you after 11 pm, by myself a lot during the day, not a lot of help from friends either. Is your mom nearby? My mom has been a lot of help to me during the day. My husband works and cannot help throughout the night, so it's just me! It is absolutely exhausting! You are so not alone on this. I don't think you are crazy. I actually ended up going to a counselor to just vent and talk about it. It really did help. So maybe that is something to consider. If you are feeling at the end of your rope, just set your baby down and let him cry for a while until you feel you are ready to jump back in there. It's so hard and I'm sorry I don't have better advice. I'm still trying to figure out this twin stuff too. It's overwhelming. Good luck to you and I hope you are having a better day.

Carisa

 

:hug: The first month they are home is so trying and tiring! I was so lucky to have my mom come visit for a few weeks as my DH was NO help. He worked and was tired when he came home too. Some days we still have arguments about it. If you can't sleep while they nap, try to get DH to let you go to bed in between their night feedings (at least from 11 till he goes to bed). There is no reason for you to stay up if he's awake to keep an eye on the babies. Maybe you can even sleep before that feeding. I only got 2 hrs of sleep at a time that first month or two, but tried to get it whenever I could. Tell DH that he needs to pick up on something. Give him a choice. Either the laundry or the cooking. Or the older boys or the younger boys. Tell him that you will be a supermom but you need your trusty sidekick to help. You can always play to his ego..."Oh honey, the boys love playing ball with you. It would me so much to them if you would play with them". I hope this helps! Men can be very thickheaded and I know my DH needs to be told (I mean asked) to help me and exactly what so that it will get done. Hang in there. You're in the roughest time right now and things will get better. I don't think you can really adjust the twins schedule right now as they are so young.

 

Im SOOOOO sorry you are going through this!! I remember being there!! You are not alone, we have all struggled in some way with twinsfants. I remember the saying "sleep when they sleep"........sure, one was always up!!

I wish I could come and help ya!! Do you have anyone who could come help? My DD had reflux nd before she was diagnosted she would scream non- stop, I remember getting angry and I remember being so tired I couldnt take it!

It does get easier!! Hang in there!! Vent when ever you need, your doing a great job!!

 

You're not a bad mommy at all. It's just stress bringing you to this point...and lack of sleep. My girls are a little over 2 wks old, and I have an 18 month old son, so I understand the frustration. I do have help though from my parents, but I can relate with you about the husband. I don't have an advice in that department, but I wanted to just say "you're not alone!" Why is it that husbands just don't GET IT? Just know that this will pass, just like it did with your first two, and before you know it, you'll be looking back thinking how fast it all flew by and how you totally have it figured out now. If you get that frustrated, it is definitely okay to lay your babies down for a few minutes and go in another room and collect yourself. Crying never hurt a baby, so that's a good thing to do. There's nothing worse than going through all of this tough emotional stuff and dealing with being a mommy of more kids, while watching your husband relax next to you. It makes you want to throw something sometimes!! Take a little time to pray for strength to get through this because he won't give you more than you can handle!!! Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

 

Sending you big hugs. I hated those first few weeks. I can honestly say it was the worst time in my life and I thought I was losing my mind. You are not a bad mother. Sleep deprivation and stress can really do a number on a person. What worked for us is taking shifts. I would go to bed at 8pm until around 12. My husband would take care of the kids until then. That way I at least got one decent block of sleep and then I tried to sleep in between the rest of the feeding. My boys were eating every 1.5-2 hours so I totally feel your pain.

 

I am sorry to say it, but I remember being in your shoes, and even though I love my little guys more than anything I would not go back to those first few weeks for anything in the world :blink: It is very hard and I too had all those promises from everyone I know and when it came time everyone had so much to do all of a sudden. Dh took the first week off and then went back to work and and did not get up for any night time feedings than was at work all day so he was really only there for one feeding a day. The boys to this day still eat every 3 hours so I know what it was like before they started STTN it was 11, 2, 5 and 8am. I also remember begging them to burp so I could go back to sleep. For the first two months they slept in their bouncers on the couch and I slept on the other side of the couch while DH slept in bed and I remember the resentment I had for him. It was very tough we almost got a divorce. The only thing that made him understand even a little was when I went back to work on the weekends after a few months and he was on his own, but even then they were STTN and it was way different. He ended up begging me to quit and I did. I really have no advice to give and I know you have probably heard this a thousand times, but you have to do what ever you can to take it day to day and remember it will only get easier. All I can offer you is to tell you you are not a bad mommy and most of us have been there and had feelings for a split second that we wish we could take back it is normal. That point with the babies was the hardest thing I have ever done. Don't get me wrong they are still very hard and I still get very frustrated, but they are on a strict schedule now and it saves my life!! It gets easier and easier every day with a few bumps in the road. Hang in there and try not to let depression get you I had to constantly tell myself o snap out of it and that I was a strong mommy coffee became my best friend remember you still have some of those hormones and lack of sleep can really get you! God Bless and I hope it gets better soon!! :hug:

 

They just dont get it , do they? I totally understand your resentment and there have been several times where I wanted to hold a screaming baby right next to my DH's head as he was blissfully sleeping away at 3 am !!! They just don't understand what it's like to have long-term sleep deprivation... and you know what, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY HARD. Don't kid yourself, there is a reason why sleep deprivation is a form of torture! I completely understand and no, you're not a bad mommy and you are doing the best you can, and that's all you can do (((((HUGS!!!!!!!)))))

I know exactly what you mean and I wish I lived close to you so I could come by and help ! The first month I was miserable and I know how you feel --- it got to the point where I couldn't stop crying, and where I couldn't sleep even when I had the chance, I thought "What's the point, I'll be up in another hour anyway..." I went to my Ob-Gyn and she gave a me 15 tablets of Ambien so that way I could get some sleep when I had the chance. I didn't want to take anti-depressants but that may be the next step. So know that other people have been where you are. What has helped me so far was getting a part time helper, for three hours a day - I let her in and I go straight to bed. See if you can find someone through word of mouth (I know, who has time to get out, much less talk to adults?!) through a local twins group in your area to see if you can find a part time person just to relieve you for a couple of hours. Your sanity is worth it!

Here's the link to the main site for the national organization of mothers of twins- you can enter your zip code or city and find the closest group. http://www.nomotc.org/ They have sign-ups through email, and quite a few have message boards where you can post questions/ask for tips/help, etc. I highly recommend joining your local group if you can find one close by.

Another thought to find help would be to google "moms club" or "mothers groups" and your town, to see if there is any group you can join to find some help. We really don't know anyone in our town very well, and while this hasn't brought a bunch of new friends, it does help me feel more connected.

Another idea would be to call fitness centers or churches that have a day care / child care (even if you aren't a member) and ask if any of the people working there would be interested in working as a part time sitter a couple of hours a week. The helper I found works on Sundays with her church's child care during services, and although I'm not religious at all, it doesn't matter because heck, I'm asleep!

As for friends - yep.... same thing here.... I get the occasional email but no one has come by at all, and last week I got an email from a co-worker "Why haven't you brought them in to work?!" (Gee, they eat every three hours, I haven't slept a full night in months, it takes about an hour to and hour and a half to feed them by myself, I haven't showered in three days, and you want me to load them up, drive for 45 minutes each way, so you can take ten minutes to 'say hi' then go back to your desk?! Grrrrrr) I'm in the same boat with no family around, so I feel for you.
HANG IN THERE !!!!! It will get better, it will get better....

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. I think during the first two weeks I had a couple episodes where I just stood over the two crying [more like screaming] babies and couldn't control the tears streaming down my face cause I didn't know which one to pick up first. It wasn't real cry :tears:, they were more like tears out of frustration cause I was tired, body and mind were exhausted and just didn't know what to do.

Mine had the same wake up/feed schedule as yours. I fed mine separately [until just recently cause I'm trying to get them to hold their bottles on their own] and woke up with them every time. DH would help if they both woke up, but for me.. I got up with them between 3-8 times a night. When DH got home from work he'd let me take a nap [about an hr] and then get them ready for bed.

Yeah, and the people who say 'sleep when they sleep' obviously have never had multiples. You have so much to do while they're alseep to prepare for when they're awake again. You have to keep them entertained/change their activity every 10 mins or so, etc..

But most of my point here is to say, hang in there mama :hug: You are doing a great job. These babies are a blessing AND are very hard work during the first couple months.

 

Oh you poor thing. We have all been there. I hated the first 2 months. I didn't want to deal with anything. I was having a tough recovery from my c-section, major anxiety and just not enjoying it at all. I did come out of it after those first couple months. It gets easier once you can figure out a routine that works for you. We finally figured out that I couldn't sleep in the same room as the babies. Every little noise woke me up. My husband would sleep downstairs with them while I went upstairs for a few hours. He did one middle of the night feeding, so I could get that block of sleep. I was nursing, which made it difficult to get too much sleep at once. I had to either nurse or pump after about 4-5 hours at the most. Even with an amazing husband and a mother who was here a lot, it was sooooo hard. I don't know how you are doing it all. You'll just have to sit your husband down and let him know exactly what you are thinking and feeling. Ask him what he's willing to do to help. I would suggest going to sleep before him to get a couple hours in. It's all about getting 2 hours here and 2 hours there at the beginning. It will get easier, even though it never feels like it will. I remember reading that on here and thinking it would never happen for me and it did. Once they drop one of those feedings, life will be good. Just hang in there and vent on here anytime you need to.

 

QUOTE(KatieinCali @ Mar 29 2009, 08:03 PM) [snapback]1249660[/snapback]
I" I went to my Ob-Gyn and she gave a me 15 tablets of Ambien so that way I could get some sleep when I had the chance. I didn't want to take anti-depressants but that may be the next step.



I had the same problem and also had to take sleeping pills. Unfortunately I still do sometimes and they are sttn!!

 

QUOTE(TandC @ Mar 29 2009, 05:56 PM) [snapback]1249522[/snapback]
Sending you big hugs. I hated those first few weeks. I can honestly say it was the worst time in my life and I thought I was losing my mind. You are not a bad mother. Sleep deprivation and stress can really do a number on a person. What worked for us is taking shifts. I would go to bed at 8pm until around 12. My husband would take care of the kids until then. That way I at least got one decent block of sleep and then I tried to sleep in between the rest of the feeding. My boys were eating every 1.5-2 hours so I totally feel your pain.


Big ditto to this! Those first weeks were horrible, even with DH helping; if mine had only helped with one feeding a day I think I would have lost it! We do shifts that allow us to each sleep 5-6 hours (ideally, though it gets cut short if DH has to be up extra late or early for some reason). And don't feel bad; a mom (older woman who loves to take new moms under her wing and help out) told me in the beginning, "It's normal to sometimes feel like throwing them against the wall" and while I didn't feel *exactly* that way I totally understand being at the point of wanting to just let them cry b/c you're so desperatly tired and frustrated, or feeling mad at them and then realizing how illogical that is since they're helpless little babies ... and yet when they wake up screaming again an hour after you finally soothe them to sleep, you feel that way all over again!
Know that you are not alone, and if there's any way you can talk your DH into doing shifts, I'd recommend it. Yes, he goes to work, but as you pointed out, taking care of 4 kids is ALSO a big job requiring a lot out of you; you BOTH need to get as much sleep as you can! Why should he only work 8 or whatever hours a day while you work 24/7?

 

Big hugs. When my twins were as young as yours, DH and I got up together for all night feedings. Each feeding took 30 minutes or so that way, so we were able to snooze between feedings for almost two hours. We also kept them in bed with us for the first 6 weeks. I never thought I'd do this, but it was a sanity saver for those 6 weeks. After eating, they'd fall back to sleep immediately when they were in bed with us. When we tried to put them in their cribs, they'd wake up and cry.

I also made night feedings as easy as possible. I put a dorm-size fridge in our bedroom and stocked it with filled bottles for the night. Since they were in bed with us, I would wake up as soon as they started to wimper and run some hot water to heat up the bottles. Then we'd each take a baby, change diapers and feed them. Once they were burped and done, we laid back down with them in the bed. Around 6 weeks, I was able to transition them to cribs without too much difficulty. Around that time, we started trading off for feedings. I'd do the first wakeup of the night, DH would do the second, etc. If you can convince DH to help at night, that would go a long way toward getting more sleep.

It is really hard to listen to crying babies. I distinctly remember feeling like I wanted to throw one or both of them out of the window at times. I knew I didn't really want to do it, but the level of frustration was just so high. I think it's important to remember that you're doing the best you can. No one is perfect. You have two babies and you're one mommy. At times, it's inevitable that one will be crying while you're meeting the needs of the other. It's a juggle and we all just do the best we can.

 

I wish I had some great advice for you but I don't have any other than i remember those nights thankfully not to many of them.. My hubby and i get up and feed our boys together we get much more sleep that way .. and when he whines that he's tired and he has to work I till him I didn't make these babies alone and that im just as tired even more than him sometimes .. hang in there it will get better ... :hug:

 

QUOTE(Mommy_Nic @ Mar 29 2009, 02:39 PM) [snapback]1249403[/snapback]
We've had the twins home for a week and a half, but can't seem to find a happy medium for the night time feedings.

The twins have decided that they want to wake for feedings at 11 pm, 2 am, 5 am, & 8 am. My DH gets up for work at 6 am and is not wanting to wake up for the 5 am feeding, but he also doesn't want to go to bed until midnight to 1 AM. So, I get help with the 11 pm feeding, but I'm on my own for all of the rest. Plus, I'm on my own all day long. DH doesn't understand why I'm so tired and stressed out. :angry:

I ready through the stickies of helpful suggestions and still need a lot of help.

I've tried changing the twin's feeding schedule by an hour so that I would get more help from DH, but they are NOT cooperating! I've been topping them off with a little more milk at 9 pm and midnight in hopes that they will go off of the last time they were fed, but that didn't work.

Sorry I hope this post makes since. I'm running on fumes and m 2 older boys are running me ragged. DH is asleep on the couch next to me and I'm so jealous! All I want is 2 hours of sleep...
I'm feeling really alone and i don't have any family that can lend a hand. All of my girlfriends told me they'd be more than happy to help, but no one has even come over to visit the babies and won't return my calls and text messages. So, I'm even more pissed that all these people who call themselves my 'friends' aren't following through on months of promises of help!

Sorry to vent...I just feel really alone and all everyone does is take, take, take. My 2 older boys are craving attention and mommy is the ONLY one who gets that they are feeling so left out. DH just doesn't get it. I try to explain what I need and how to help and it's like I'm speaking a foreign language! He just tells me how tired he is...I guess he thinks raising kids and taking care of neworn twins is not exhausting nor 'work'!!
Grrrrrrrr...

If anyone can give any advise at all, I'd be super grateful! I'm sick of crying along with the babies and begging them to burp while trying my hardest to be gentle with the little guys. I NEVER thought I would have to control myself to this extent. I found myself having thoughts of wanting to shake one of the twins and let him lay down and CIO just so I wouldn't hurt him! Do I need professional help?!? I'm on an antidepressant. Am I a horrible mommy? I don't feel like I deserve these babies. Why would I have all of these negative feelings over 2 precious babies that are totally helpless?!? I feel like the worst person in the world just to have these thoughts and feelings, but again I have NO ONE to talk to. any one I do try to talk to just hands me a line of BS and the whole 'sleep when they're sleeping' crap. All I can do is nod my head while thinking, "Do you think I'm stupid? Don't you think I've tried that !?!"

Anyway, I'm going to stop venting now. I could go on all day. Plus, my middle boy is begging for food.


Can I be blunt here? It really sounds like a lot of the problem could be alleviated by your husband making the sacrifice, and going to bed an hour or two earlier and getting up an hour later. Its no wonder your twins won't adjust their schedule - THEY DON'T HAVE TO!!! Its the guy asleep on the couch who needs to suck it up, step it up, and do something about it. You have just had twins - lady, that is a huge accomplishment in itself! It takes a toll on you physically and emotionally, and it screws your hormones up big time. More power to you for being such an amazing mother to all of your little ones, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed. You have every right.

Those first few weeks are incredibly hard, and you need the help. Sheesh, if your husband won't listen, just get him on here to read some of these posts and see if he gets the idea. You need to rest, and even if that means he helps with an extra feed or two, so you can put your feet up, it would all the difference.

I hear you with the "sleep when the babies are sleeping" thing. Yeah, that drove me nuts too, especially as mine NEVER slept at the same time, and its only when they got older that I finally got that under control.

You are so NOT a horrible mother, you're doing an incredible job. I have no real words of wisdom, but if you can't get your husband to get the picture, is their someone else that can?

Hugs to you, and hang in there.

ETA: Didn't get to type the post before posting by accident!!

 

I echo all of the sentiments from the other mothers. Watching my husband leave for work every morning would bring me to tears. If God only gave newborns the ability to hold their own bottles or at least not need to burp. What ultimately saved me was getting a mothers helper--and that's using the term lightly. I basically paid a friends 18 yr old daughter to come over and help. She knew nothing about babies...especially premie newborns. However, the extra pair of hands and having someone burp while I attended the other one was a big help. And while they slept I was able to take a short nap here and there because I knew she was watching over them while they slept. Just a thought.