I'm a bad parent

I don't know what to do -- my mind is all over the place -- so I'm coming here where I don't know anyone IRL to spill it and hopefully make some sense of all of this.

Each and every day, I'm berated for not doing enough, not being enough, not measuring up to some imagined standard. I'm a pretty thick-skinned person but I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point.

This morning, the boys were using their highchairs to get stuff down off of the counter while I was trying to make breakfast. I told them "no", got them down repeatedly, put the stuff back where it was, and helped them find something else to do. It took a good 45 minutes to make scrambled eggs, sausage, and toast with all of the interruptions. DH comes in just as they are getting some papers down for the umpteenth time and yells at me for "letting them get into stuff". Then he goes on a lecture tirade about how I'm a bad parent because if he were with them all day, they wouldn't act like this. I tried to explain how it's different when you're around 30 mintues a day vs. spending the whole day with them and that I'm consistent but I have to pick my battles and papers on the floor while my hands are covered in sausage goo is a relatively small deal. He said throwing sh** on the floor is a big deal no matter what it is and that they do it because I tolerate it. I told him that I had already gotten them down a number of times but he said there was no way they made that much mess in just a few seconds (I wasn't kidding when I said he spends very little time with them). So, he sits at the table while they play with a puzzle on the floor for a minute and tells me that this is how they should act all of the time. :angry: I told him they're NORMAL 2-year olds and that I'm tired of being told I'm a bad parent because they're normal 2-year olds.

We don't have many friends with young children and he won't discuss parenting with the ones we do have because he's decided he's smarter than any of them and his kids aren't going to act like theirs. So, I'm sitting here pondering the logistics of leaving him vs. staying vs. going to counseling alone because he won't go (it's "not his style" -- I've asked many times)

Has anyone been there and gotten through this?

 

I just wanted to give you a BIG :hug99: ! I"m sorry...

 

Here is another big hug. You need to schedule a day or a weekend out. Leave him with boys. See how he does

 

I'm sorry...here's one more hug.... :love0028:


Missy

 

Deb, this is abusive! I think you should absolutely go to counseling alone!! You need someone that can help you work through this! Counseling will help you make the decision that ultimately ONLY you can make!!! :hug99: I'm really sorry you are dealing with this!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!

 

:hug99: I think that you need to spend some time out of the house and let him go through a day with them. He will then see that it isn't easy to stop a two year old from doing 'two year old things' never mind two two year olds!! Maybe you could see a counselor on your own.

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Nov 1 2007, 09:59 AM) [snapback]476527[/snapback]
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!


Ditto!! :hug99: I think what has really helped my DH see "what it's like" is that he works from home, so while he doesn't actually spend all day with them, he sees what I am doing and how hard it can be to just do something like make breakfast, get them to the car, stuff like that. I would have let them play with paper too. Would he take them for a whole day, or even a few hours? Your kids are perfectly normal and high energy boys from what you have posted. You are doing a great job, don't let him tell you differently.

 

I agree that you should go to counseling alone. If he will not join you, at least you can have someone to talk through your feelings and make any decisions that are necessary. I also think you should try to leave him alone with the boys for an extended period -- at least a day if not for an entire weekend. Let him see how hard it is. Two year olds are constantly busy and get into things. You have to pick your battles. Your boys sound just like my girls -- perfect 2 year olds. :hug99: :hug99: You are not a bad mom. :hug99: :hug99:

 

I have to agree with one of the other posts. Let him spend a day with them and see how he does. You do not deserve the harsh words and that is abuse. I hope it all works out, big Texas size hugs to ya!! :hug99:

 

For this there is no teacher like experience. My XH had never spent more than an hour or two with our boys (who were not even twins!) until I went to another city to visit an old friend from high school. When I called to say I was leaving he said, "What?! You've already been gone EIGHT HOURS!!" And mine were 4 and 2, so one was potty-trained and would mind better. Also, he didn't have any housework to do, just child care.

A counselor is a good idea, too, even if he won't go. :hug99:

 

Sounds to me like your DH wants to watch the kiddos for a weekend while you take a little time off. I'm not kidding. He doesn;t understand what your day is really like, and the only way for him to figure it out is 2 days (one not enough because you know the kids will be angels the first day) of walking in your shoes.

My BIL always sets up these rules, only an hour of tv for my niece. It works great until he is home watching her and needs to do his stuff, then it is tv all day...

I am really sorry you are dealing with this.

 

I think I would have instantly walked right out of that house and let him deal with the kids. My DH never underestimates what I do during the day. You dont deserve to be takled DOWN to. Shame on him and he needs to get a taste of what goes on.

 

I agree with all the previous posters....I just wanted to give you big hugs and my support.

 

My dh is not like this but what I would do is leave him with the babies for a day. Don't rub it in when you get back, just ask how his day was. Also, I have issues with fathers who are not hands on so unless he's working all the time there is no excuse not to have real expectations for two year olds.

 

Well, my DH had a similar attitude once upon a time. The house was never clean enough, the kids were unruly, nothing was done...etc :blush: He didn't understand that my day is consumed with trying to keep our two in snacks, potty training, changing poopoo diapers, cleaning the floor of food, laundry, picking up toys. Heck, I hardly had enough time to put a brush through my hair. The last thing I needed to hear was DH going on and on about how things weren't up to his standards. Well fast forward, I happened to find an "as needed or prn" job at the hospital. They were willing to work with my hours when DH would be home. It looked great. I applied and got the job. :banana: . The problem for DH was that he would have to stay home for two days while I went to a hospital orientation for two days from 8-5pm. He did my job for two days . Boy, did he change his tune after that. He constantly praises me for what I do. He tells me that I he would never manage without me. :icon_biggrin: . The house could look like a hurricane came through and he wouldn't question me now.

so, I totally agree with getting him to stay with the kids by himself all day. If he think he can't parent better than the more power to him. That's what I would say. Stand up for yourself!! You are a great parent.

 

I agree with the PP's. Go away for the weekend and leave him in charge. I'm sorry your husband is being like that.

 

Same as everyone else really, if there is anyway u could leave him with them for a day to let him see.

Yes they sound like normal two year olds!! You really don't need this from your Husband (no DH for him), on top of taking care of your children.

Hugs to you

 

I agree, you do NOT deserve this kind of treatment! I think if my DH had said that to me, I probably would have said, "okay, fine...have a nice day" and marched right out of the house. While I may not be perfect (I'm currently ignoring the dirty bottles in the sink and sitting on my rear eating candy!), my DH does realize just how much work four kids are and accepts that the house isn't going to be perfectly clean and that some mornings, he will have to eat a granola bar for breakfast.

I agree that counseling would be a good idea. They will be able to give you some good tools for how to deal with this kind of behavior too. I'm sorry your husband is treating you like that.

 

QUOTE(ljcrochet @ Nov 1 2007, 01:53 PM) [snapback]476515[/snapback]
Here is another big hug. You need to schedule a day or a weekend out. Leave him with boys. See how he does



HUGS!!!!!

About the time that Dh told me I was a bad parent I would have wacked him upside the head with the frying pan the eggs were in. :icon_eek: Dh made his comments to me in the past how nothing gets done here all day and all i do is sit around. So I started doing things for myslef when he got home from work.... I left him with the kids and went tanning ( before I found out i was pg again) even just to go get my dress fitted for the wedding and Im getting calls 30 min after I leave. "are you on your way home yet?"... I had to lmao b/c its not until he spends time alone with then that he understood what it was like to take care of them alone and do other things.. its hard work....

he never makes his comments anymore and if he has a brain fart again Ill leave hime alone with them again!

good luck to you...

 

[SIZE=12pt] :love0028: Wow I am sorry. My DH is left alone with the twins maybe 2 hours a month but he still sees how hard it is. I can't believe your DH would say that...how awful. You need to sit him down and tell him you don't appreciate being belittled as a parent and if he thinks it is so easy let him have them for a day. Or better yet a weekend. There is no reason for him to talk to you like this. I also agree with the others maybe seeing a counselor would help you to ease your mind and just have someone to vent you frustrations to.[/SIZE]

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Nov 1 2007, 09:59 AM) [snapback]476527[/snapback]
Deb, this is abusive! I think you should absolutely go to counseling alone!! You need someone that can help you work through this! Counseling will help you make the decision that ultimately ONLY you can make!!! :hug99: I'm really sorry you are dealing with this!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!


I completely agree with Diane. :hug99: I'm sorry you are dealing with this Debi.

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Nov 1 2007, 01:59 PM) [snapback]476527[/snapback]
Deb, this is abusive! I think you should absolutely go to counseling alone!! You need someone that can help you work through this! Counseling will help you make the decision that ultimately ONLY you can make!!! :hug99: I'm really sorry you are dealing with this!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!

I couldn't have said it better myself!

:hug99:

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Nov 1 2007, 01:59 PM) [snapback]476527[/snapback]
Deb, this is abusive! I think you should absolutely go to counseling alone!! You need someone that can help you work through this! Counseling will help you make the decision that ultimately ONLY you can make!!! :hug99: I'm really sorry you are dealing with this!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!



I completely agree! Also think your DH needs some perspective, and like pps said one day is probably not enough, give him a LOT of perspective, like a loooong weekend.

 

Okay, I'm going to play Devils Advocate here... :huh: Although I do agree that counseling sounds like a wonderful idea, I don't think that fighting and disagreeing over the way children are behaving is abnormal! DH and I disagree all the time - then we try to compromise, and are better parents for it. That's the benefit, IMO, of having two parents! DH notices things in our children that I miss, and gives me perspective on normal 'boy behavior' that I just don't understand (not being a man!) It sounds like he said some crummy things, but I'm glad I don't get called out for the crummy things I've said to my DH (we got into a fight yesterday - and it wasn't pretty, on either of our parts!) It does sound like he is being unrealistic about normal 2 year old behavior, but many men just haven't had experience with young children before becoming parents to two year olds.

So, I completely agree that he needs to spend a day or two being the dad. You need to find some sort of perfectly legitimate thing that needs to be done (a relative in another state having a baby, etc...) so he can spend some daddy time getting to know his little boys and gaining a realistic perspective about their behavior!

When I was pregnant with our 1st, I remember this totally bizarre conversation with DH where we were talking about parenting and things we would do. DH was adament that we wouldn't use sippy cups and that children should be taught to drink from glass glasses from the beginning. I was just looking at him like he had 3 heads. Of course, that's just not realistic for very young children! However, he had in his mind this aversion to plastic cups, and to children using them! I know it's a silly comparison, but it's just an example of someone who was never around young children having this expectation about their abilities that was unreasonable. Oh, and of course we use sippy cups - and plastic bowls and plates when the children are having lunch, etc.... Although we always use glassware and glass plates for dinner.

 

I agree with Allison, he does sound very inexperienced, but I also agree with Diane, he is being abusive about it. I think you should go to counseling. Have DH watch them while you're gone. If he objects to the idea of counseling tell him it's a parenting class.

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Nov 1 2007, 06:59 AM) [snapback]476527[/snapback]
Deb, this is abusive! I think you should absolutely go to counseling alone!! You need someone that can help you work through this! Counseling will help you make the decision that ultimately ONLY you can make!!! :hug99: I'm really sorry you are dealing with this!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!


I agree 100%


QUOTE(allgood2000 @ Nov 1 2007, 12:42 PM) [snapback]477034[/snapback]
Okay, I'm going to play Devils Advocate here... :huh: Although I do agree that counseling sounds like a wonderful idea, I don't think that fighting and disagreeing over the way children are behaving is abnormal! DH and I disagree all the time - then we try to compromise, and are better parents for it. So, I completely agree that he needs to spend a day or two being the dad. You need to find some sort of perfectly legitimate thing that needs to be done (a relative in another state having a baby, etc...) so he can spend some daddy time getting to know his little boys and gaining a realistic perspective about their behavior!


I agree that disagreeing and DISCUSSING possible outcomes and how we can handle it differently is a benefit of having 2 parents. This is not what you are describing though. This statement is irrelevant to this thread. It is NOT NORMAL for one spouse to verbally abuse and degrade another. THat is NOT OKAY!!! I AM a couselor and will tell you right off, what he is doing is wrong. HE can disagree all he wants. It is not okay to do it THE WAY he is doing it now.

I am sorry you are going through this. HE sounds very immature and needs to get some perspective. I agree he nees to be the primary care giver for the kids for 2-3 days in a row while you are away doing something for you. You have earned that and he owes you that. Is that a possiblity?

 

I completely feel for you. My DH is very similar he told me last night he doesn't want to live here anymore because the kitchen wasn't clean. I guess I didn't run into the kitchen to do the dishes as soon as the girls were asleep. I told him that if he spent half as much time here helping me out or even watching the girls so I could clean (or finish one single thing I start) as he does hunting "his" house would be much cleaner. I agree that your Dh would have more respect for you if he had to do your job(s) but I hope you can trust him to not be mean to your boys while your gone. If he talks to you like that I hope he doesn't treat your boys badly. It's the tempers that as parents of 2 2 year olds we all have to control. Hang in there they won't be 2 forever.

 

I may be in the minority here, but this doesn't simply sound like an issue that can be resolved by leaving him with the children for a day to see what it's like. If he is constantly berating you and making you feel inadequate, that's a personality issue that likely won't change regardless if you leave him alone with the children. If he won't go with you to counseling, you defenitely should go yourself. You can only change you, and not to get all Oprah on you, but we treat people how to treat us. Thick skin or not, you don't deserve to be treated that way. It's one thing if he just doesn't understand how difficult it is to be with them all day, but this sounds like something more to me.

Good Luck!
Suzi

 

I agree with everyone else. His comments and attitude towards you and your children are completely out of line. Like some pp's have said maybe some time alone with your kids would be a good idea.....as long as you don’t think he would become too overloaded and hurt them verbally or physically (like the pp said).

I don’t talk about this much but feel I must add that I grew up in a house where my dad was verbally abusive to my mom (it later progressed to physical abuse also), it is very hard on the children that are forced to see and hear such awful conversations. It affected my sister and I in many ways. I think (also like PP's) you should attend counseling to help make decisions regarding your family's future, if it is a relationship that is able to be saved then that is ideal...but if it is something that my fester into something else it may be time to make a new life.

:hug99:

 

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Nov 1 2007, 08:23 PM) [snapback]477073[/snapback]
I agree that disagreeing and DISCUSSING possible outcomes and how we can handle it differently is a benefit of having 2 parents. This is not what you are describing though. This statement is irrelevant to this thread. It is NOT NORMAL for one spouse to verbally abuse and degrade another. THat is NOT OKAY!!! I AM a couselor and will tell you right off, what he is doing is wrong. HE can disagree all he wants. It is not okay to do it THE WAY he is doing it now.

Okay, after re-reading the original post, where it was stated that DH is berating and overly-critical EVERY DAY, I do agree with the fact that it is not normal. I was responding to the fight that ensued that morning. In a one time, blow up fight, I think things can be said that are hurtful - and it's not abnormal. I didn't want the op to go file for divorce because of this one horrific fight. However, if it is a pattern of cruelty, criticism, and being berated, then I do agree it's abnormal. I will stand my ground, though, that normal, healthy marriages can have HUGE fights, where horrible things are said, and still be very happy (of course barring physical abuse which is not okay in any circumstance).

 

wow - I can say little more than the op's and just wanted to extend hugs....that is no way to be treated....

 

Maybe your DH does need to spend an entire day with them and maybe he can use some of his expert parenting skills on them. I'm sure that would put him in check. Maybe he is resentful he doesn't get to spend that much time with them and is taking it out on you, whatever it is he needs to stop berating you.

My DH says the same thing just today he's like do you notice a difference when they are with me then you there's no commotion, whinning, etc. I am with them the majority of the time after taking a stupid piece of junk mail or old magazine off them for the umpteenth time I just let them have it, I'm gonna through it out anyway.... he also thinks I cater to them too much like if they want to sit on my lap, hold them etc. I do it right away...um yeah that's what I'm here for...DH's are all the same ..... oh and when he very rarely watches them while I run errands he says it's easy..ugh!

 

QUOTE(ljcrochet @ Nov 1 2007, 09:53 AM) [snapback]476515[/snapback]
Here is another big hug. You need to schedule a day or a weekend out. Leave him with boys. See how he does


There are some things you just can't understand unless you've BTDT. Enjoy your Saturday oput of the house!!
QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Nov 1 2007, 09:59 AM) [snapback]476527[/snapback]
Deb, this is abusive! I think you should absolutely go to counseling alone!! You need someone that can help you work through this! Counseling will help you make the decision that ultimately ONLY you can make!!! :hug99: I'm really sorry you are dealing with this!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!


I agree - I would not tolerate this from him. It's abusive to you - and what is it teaching your children?? It needs to stop. Good Luck! :hug99:

 

I agree with everyone else: after 2 days alone with them, he'll hopefully see how hard it is. My Dh did. And all he had to do was take care of them; I had pre-cooked all the food, done all the laundry, cleaned the house, etc. etc. And if your DH "won't let you go away" then I'd leave anyway. I know it sounds harsh, but it will make him respect you more in the end after he sees how hard it is.
PLEASE let us know how this all works out................. Everyone cares!

 

How is everything?