IL & the 6 day itch

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by andreap, Apr 7, 2008.

?

how often do they visit?

  1. every week

    0 vote(s)
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  2. every 2 weeks

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. once a month

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. once every few months

    0 vote(s)
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Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. andreap

    andreap Well-Known Member

    my IL have what i like to call the "six day itch". after spending time with them they call to see when they can come back (this call is usually within a week). for example, we spent a week with them in march & they called a week later to see if they could come into town. (they live 1.5 hours away). if we didn't "have plans", they would visit every 2-3 weeks. for a while this was the norm. we started sleep training & needed space so we decided to start establishing some boundaries. between my mom visiting & the IL coming into town, we had very few weekends with just the 4 of us. both of us work so we are protective of our weekends together. anyway...i feel like we are always having to explain what plans we have or the reasons why this or that weekend will not work out. i know we need to have a conversation about the issue but i'm not sure what it should look like. the bottom line is that we have our own commitments with work, church or friends & do not want to be hosting family members every 3rd weekend. i also know that family is important & a value that we want to teach our babies.

    am i being unreasonable to not want company every 3 weeks for an entire weekend? ideally, they could come every 4-6 weeks for a day vs all weekend.

    anyone have trouble with family members wanting to be around more often than desirable? how do you handle it & what is a fair balance? i know i will be eating my words in 30 years when i am dying to see my own grandbabies.
     
  2. idtwinstx

    idtwinstx Well-Known Member

    I didn't vote because I really don't see my inlaws very often. They live far away. DH's mom lives about 1000 miles away in Arizona and his father and step-mother live about 900 miles away in Iowa. They both have been to see the twins once since they have been born, so I don't really have any advice to offer. I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want company that often. My parents live about 4 hours away and we seem them at least once a month.
     
  3. SeattleLisa

    SeattleLisa Well-Known Member

    we have the opposite problem. My MIL gives DH a MAJOR guilt trip because we don't come see her enough. But she's only been to visit twice. She thinks that we need to visit her as much (or more often) as she visits us. Like we owe her a visit or something - it's our obligation. But - she's the one that is retired, and does't have twins to try to pack up and travel with. She lives 3 hours away. My parents have visited more times, and they live in California and have to pay for plane tickets to come see us. All she has to do is get in her car. it's not that bad of a drive. But it is over a mountain pass that has been closed numerous times this winter due to weather & slides - something we are not willing to risk in the winter with two babies in the car, and jobs we need to be back for on monday. And she also won't just say that she wants to come - she has to wait for us to invite her. so then she sits over there feeling sorry for herself because we haven't come to visit, and we haven't invited her to visit us. Even though we tell her regularly that she has an open invitation, our door is always open, she is always welcome, etc., etc. I suppose we might not say those things if she was showing up too often.
     
  4. rubyturquoise

    rubyturquoise Well-Known Member

    My ILs live .4 miles away and we don't see them that often. Well, DH does, he works with FIL. In the summer when we use their pool we see them more, but I would say about once a month or so we go there or they come here. Of course, it's not overnight or anything, so it's not the same.

    My parents live 1.5 hrs away and either we go there or they come here about once a month as well. They do not stay the night, and neither do we. (Mine are 16, 13, 5&5, not babies, though.) When mine were babies, my parents came to us, but they still never spent the night, except once at the beginning, and they stayed at a motel. It does make a long day of visiting when you have that drive at either end, but then we have the other half of the weekend to ourselves.
     
  5. andreap

    andreap Well-Known Member

    oh, this makes me feel better. especially that some of you with in town grandparents don't visit all the time.

    anyone else?
     
  6. EricaG

    EricaG Well-Known Member

    I'm having a rough patch with my in-laws lately so my response might be a little tainted. They live 1h away and we go there for the weekend once a month and they come here for the day or weekend at least once a month and right now its too much, we are trying to do some sleep training (if you can call it that) and I can't take the constant critisim from my MIL on how were doing it so I told dh no more over night visits until the boys are consistintly sttn! We'll see how that goes. I do try and put myself in there shoes and think oh if they were my grandkids I would want to see them all the time too! Just right now I don't need to be doubting myself with unwanted advice. Sorry for the vent.

    I guess you just have to make a plan and stick to it, maybe if they always know ahead of time when they'll see the twins next they won't be as anxious to call and set up the next date right away.

    Erica
     
  7. lharrison1

    lharrison1 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    My inlaws visit once every month and a half or so-they would like to be here more often but they can only visit when my MIL has a three day weekend from work. They live about 300miles away (same state) we visit them about 3/4 times per year.
    My parents live about 2 miles from us and we see them 3 or 4 times per week.
    All my parents/IL are so helpful and I welcome the visits and breaks I get. I cant say enough about how thankful I am to have them around and so glad that they want to be so involved with our children. My parents are seriously my dd's favorite people and they have been so good to us!
    I feel lucky!!!!! Very lucky!!!
     
  8. j_and_j_twins

    j_and_j_twins Well-Known Member

    I didn't do the poll as my answer would be every 2-3 years (different country), but an hour a half away, could they not just visit for the day, or maybe suggest a hotel.
     
  9. AshleyLD

    AshleyLD Well-Known Member

    I didnt vote either because my inlaws live on the east coast and they honestly couldnt bother..(i guess) They have yet to see the babies and they are 7.5 months old.. its kinda sad.. :(
     
  10. pattymartin

    pattymartin Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for this post. I thought it was just me and I was such a terrible dil. My IL live about a 4 hour drive away and try to be here every 3 weeks. I found it very hard when the babies were first born. As a first time mom my confidence wasn't that great and then to have the IL trying to help at each and every moment was so overwhelming. I know they are only trying to help but it is different when it is your parents.

    One of the last times they were down I was feeding me ds downstairs and when I came back to the nursery my mil was rocking dd back to sleep this lasted for 3 hours because she kept saying she is not in a deep sleep. I felt horrible because here is this woman up at 2am with my daughter where I would have just put her down. Lets just say there was alot of tears that weekend. My dh also has 3 other brothers living in the area but they feel more comfortable at our house. Go figure. Anyways thanks for the post and the vent.
     
  11. knorts

    knorts Well-Known Member

    My ILs live just 45 mins. away! I found that they were making excuses to some to the city we lived in (running erands, going to Sams, etc). I finally had to have DH tell them that they weren't always going to be able to just pop in and visit...we have a life too and can't plan our weekends around them "stopping by". It went over better than I thought it would...I still get irritated though!
     
  12. Hananielsgirl

    Hananielsgirl Well-Known Member

    My MIL and my parents live in town (about 20 min from us). When the girls were first home from the hospital my MIL would come and stay the night once a week. (she is from another country and doesn't drive) Then she started staying two days, then three days...then all He** broke loose. I told DH that she couldn't stay the night any more. It was just too stressful (she would expect me to make her food, wash her clothes etc. plus she would tell me that I wasn't taking care of DH properly and she didn't help w/the girls at night).
    She came over for a few hours on Christmas day and she came over a few weeks ago for lunch. That's about it. My parents come over about once a week for a few hours to help me, not make more work. We go to MIL's every Saturday and my parent's every Sunday after church. It works nicely for us.
     
  13. Grandma2TwinBoys

    Grandma2TwinBoys Well-Known Member

    I live 5 hours away from DD and I only get to see her and the grandsons once every 4-5 weeks, sometimes longer. Let me tell you, from a grandparent's perspective, that's a long time! :( Babies change so fast the first few years and seeing them only 10-11 times their first year has been tough on this Grammy!

    When we visit DD, we stay in a hotel simply because they don't have a guest room, so that helps to not feel like such an imposition. Even when I go by myself and stay 2-3 days, I am usually back in my hotel room shortly after the babies go to bed each evening, so DD and her SO have their space. My DD has always acted very glad to have me visit and I've never been concerned that we're there too often, but now you've got me wondering what they *really* feel!

    If we lived just 1.5 hours away from DD, I would definitely visit them more frequently but just for an afternoon or evening here and there, maybe to offer to babysit so DD and her SO could go out to dinner or a movie, etc. I'd give anything to be that close to them, that would be heaven!!! But then again I have no problem driving long distances, even by myself, so 1.5 hours would seem like nothing at all. (Heck, we drive that long just to go to the nearest casino for an evening of entertainment, lol!) In fact, before my mother passed away last year I would drive 3 hours each way in one day every week just to spend time with her.
     
  14. xavier2001

    xavier2001 Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's different b/c it's my family and not the IL's, but I try to make sure my parents get to see them at least once a month or so, it's a 3 hour trip so they come down or we go up. It is a little bit of an imposition when they come down, but it's nice too b/c they do alot of babysitting and DH and I always get a date night out of it.

    I think it's different though too b/c I'm only working very part time, if I worked full time I would be more protective of my time with them on the weekends. I think you have to do what is comfortable for you.
     
  15. ladybenz

    ladybenz Well-Known Member

    In the first 7 weeks we had 5 visits. Two of which were over a week long, so basically I had no time to myself with the boys.

    We had a talk and now its better.
     
  16. AmynTony

    AmynTony Well-Known Member

    my IL's live next door and we see them once a week on Sunday - my parents live 20 mi away and they BABYSIT 3x a week while I work...so its all perspective...
     
  17. Ali M

    Ali M Well-Known Member

    My IL's live two states away and come every couple of months for a long weekend. It wouldn't bother me at all if they came more often or stayed for longer. The kids enjoy seeing them and they enjoy the kids.

    My parents live in town and I see my mom and other family members (sister, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, and others) almost every day. We have plans sometimes so those have priority but I'm a very flexible person and don't mind packing up the kids to go to lunch or having someone drop by. Again, the kids like them, they like the kids, and they also help with the kids so I'm a winner 3 times over.

    I work at home so I've never needed to be protective of our time together though. I don't think I would be either way because that's just not my style and extended family time is very important to me but I do have an entirely different situation than you do.

    ETA: Having just read what Kathy wrote about how quickly the babies change, I totally agree. Even now, if I'm away from the kids for just a weekend, they look entirely different when I come back and already have new talents & things they can do. I can only imagine how difficult it is for a grandparent to not see the grandchildren for such a long time. If you think about how much your love your children and translate that into how much your parents loved you, can you imagine how much they would love your offspring?
     
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