If the twins are your only children

I guess this question could really apply to anyone, not just those who have only the twins.

How do you get past the disappoint of not having more children? I feel like I missed out on having a "normal" pregnancy, being able to cuddle just one baby, being that carefree mom who just plops the baby in a sling and goes. I know that I'm not guaranteed any of that were I to have another child, but I dream that's how it would be. I also feel cheated that everything is just once. One first day of K, one graduation, one of each milestone. (How's that for ensuring my kids need therapy, ie never acknowledging that they are individuals? ) For many years, I though that my sadness had more to do with feeling like I missed out on normal. Being the mother of twins is amazing, don't get me wrong, but I would have liked the chance to be an experienced parent.

Now as I inch towards 40, I just feel sad that I'll never have another child. I feel that tremendous urge, stronger even than before we got pregnant the first time. But right now is so now the time to have a child. I travel every.single.week for business. I'm only home on the weekends. I think just mentioning the idea has DH shaking in his boots. But I can't shake the sadness at saying "never."

If you've been through this, how did you get past it? Did you try for that additional pregnancy? Or did you find a way to be content with the blessings you already have?

 

Dh has no desire for any more kids. I still have the itch.

I do feel like I missed out on "normal", but I remind myself that I can't find the guarantee that promises 1 baby. Or an easy pregnancy. Or any of that magic that I can imagine with one. My sil just got through dealing with 16+ weeks of absolutely horrible morning sickness where her older 2 kids spent a month mostly away from home being passed to different family and friends because she literally couldn't function. What if I have another ectopic and end up in the hospital again? What if we end up with a colicky baby?

I feel a bit cheated on going through the stages only once. To deal with that I borrow other peoples kids. At family events, I volunteer to hold babies. I baby-sit the neighbor girl some. And then I get to deal with cleaning up pee off of my carpet (today with the neighbor) and I breath a little sigh of relief that some of those stages are over.

I guess I don't know if any of this helps. I go through the wanting more vs. dh being done. I can argue that it's financially responsible to stop now because I would have to get a bigger car and I've given away most of the big baby stuff. I can argue how wonderful it would be for the kids to have siblings and to expand their world past themselves. I have fantasized about that normal I envision with one. I feel the guilt about how having more kids would be hard on the kids if I have a bad pregnancy or a colicky baby. And it goes on and on....

Marissa

 

It's a process. I really am bummed some days that I don't get a "do over" with another baby.

Like Marissa I hold babies, offer to babysit..as I get closer to 41, the urge is dying down. Financially, emotionally - you name it, we can't do another kid.

But this isn't really about a rational decision, it's an emotional one. Deep down I know our family is complete, I don't so much want to raise another child, as I want the chance to experience everything again, if that makes sense.

 

I had all those feelings as well, wanting to have a 'normal' pregnancy, snuggle one baby, feed only one baby in the middle of the night etc. I also had the added fun of wanting to have a happy pregnancy. My twins were an accident, I was in a terrible relationship with their father at the time, so it just wasn't a happy time for me. After my ex and I divorced, I always though it would be nice to have the 'normal' pregnancy and to be goofy and happy like on TV or whatever. So to solve these feelings, well I got knocked up! :laughing: And this husband is a lot better than the last one, that's for sure. I know this will be my last, so I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can.

 

I don't have any desire to have more kids. As soon as my twins were born I knew I was done... just knew it in my heart that these were the only children I was meant to have. BUT... I do dream of being pregnant and having an easy pregnancy and then one cute baby in a sling that I can tote around with me. I think part of it is letting go of the dream, the idea of perfection. I feel like I could be such a good pregnant person now since I know a million times more than what I did five years ago. And it would be so fun to apply all my newborn expertise to a happy and healthy full term baby.

I guess all we can do is acknowledge the emotions, accept the fact that we didn't all get the uncomplicated and easy singleton birth that everyone else seemed to have, and then hug our awesome twins. (or have a glass of wine)

 

I didn't have an uncomplicated singleton pregnancy or birth but I did have a singleton first. I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart with him. Get past the shaking in his boots thing. Twins are more work than a singleton so that may ease his anxiety a little. Also, just because I had a singleton prior to twins, doesn't mean I was anymore prepared for the overwhelming amount of care two infants need. I am not sure anything other than having a set of twins first could prepare you for that. The twins often put me in situations that my oldest never did. Seriously, he could not have prepared me for one twin demanding "twinkle twinkle little star" and another demanding "itsy bitsy spider" at the same time and then a fight breaking out because I picked the wrong song. Only severe and intense brain washing by the government could come close to preparing me for some of the mental games the twins enact.

That being said, we are trying again. We recently lost one and we are quite sure that another child would complete our family.

 

The grass is always greener.

I never felt those things, really I didn't.

But I will say--you're right. It is a totally different experience. Both the having one, and having it not be the first time you've done all this. I'm convienced that younger siblings are more docile babies because they don't have parents stressing all over them every minute of the day!

But I think the best advice is Tricia's second paragraph. Which is what I had to do to come to terms with having 3 kids. I never ever thought of myself as a 3 kid type of person. But acknowledge those emotions and make the best of the situation.

 

This is me. I did have a singleton first, then the twins. But I got pregnant with the twins when my DD was 8 months old. My DH was living 2 hours away at school. We were completely broke and I couldn't do fun things like shop for cute clothes, buy cribs and other baby equipment. I almost even felt like I couldn't celebrate the pregnancy because it was such a tough time for us. As the pregnancy progressed, it was difficult to do the things I wanted with my DD (like nurse - which I still did, but nursing a baby when you're huge with twins is less than fun or comfortable). Anyway, all this to say that I understand and feel the same way. My DH is totally done though. I had my tubes tied when I had my c-section, so we really are done. It doesn't stop me from wishing many times that I can be the 1 in a million (or whatever the odds are) that gets pregnant even after a tubal.

 

Yeah, I had dreams about what 1 would be like. Thus far it's been exponentially easier.

Dh wants a vasectomy really bad & can't understand why I don't want him to get one, even though I feel like 3 are more than enough. Even though we will be a family of 3 it's hard for me to 'shut off' that part of my life.

 

What she said.

The other thing I try to remind myself is that having a singleton is not always a picnic either -- and also that having a singleton as baby #3 is vastly different from having one as baby #1.

 

I can relate. I'm done having kids (we can't afford the two we have!) but I'm envious of the singleton experience sometimes. I figure I'll get over that one day...

 

I'm still trying to come to terms with this. After 4 1/2 years, I finally sent in the paperwork to the IVF storage facility to donate our 4 remaining embryos. I'm sad that we are done with the baby stage, that I won't get that easy pregnancy, that my girls won't have a little brother or sister. But I try to remind my emotional self that we are happy, my girls are great, our family is complete, and that I should be extraordinarily happy with what we have. My rational self is a real PITA sometimes though because those emotions are so EMOTIONAL!

 

we went through this too - right up until 10 pm the night before Tony had his surgery...my head knew that we shouldn't have any more but try telling that to my heart...honestly time is against us - I'm 37 and diabetic and hypertensive (both well controlled with medication) and Tony will be 42 this week...neither of us have the stamina to stay up all night etc...

I would really have liked to have a 3rd but financially its not feasible - plus I wouldn't be able to go back to school etc...and then I think about changing diapers (which I'm now doing in clinicals - only they are adult ones), bottle feeding (although if it was a singleton I might try to bf) - doing that in clinicals too (Jevity in tube feedings but same principle) - and I'm glad they are 5 and a half, potty trained, eating regular food and I no longer have to tote around a diaper bag, worry about nap time etc etc etc...

it was a hard conclusion to swallow though - like I said I was crying as I was helping Tony prep for surgery!

 

Thank you for sharing this. I was thinking I was nuts! How did you work past it? I asked DH if an IUD would be a compromise, but he's pretty adamant about getting a V- and kind of angry that I'm not on board.

 

Michelle - I pushed for the V - I don't want to take hormonal bc anymore - and honestly being an old married couple condoms just suck! He was ok with the surgery - I had a rough c-section and I don't come out of anesthesia real well so getting my tubes tied wasn't really a feasible option...

as for working past it - well we sat and talked, and really I was the one that needed to get over the hump but once we weighed the pros and cons - and I cried about never having an infant again - which quite frankly is what I will miss the most, we just were ok with it...

it also helped that the urologist we went to was very soft hearted and young (probably around our age) and said that if we were not 10000000% sure this is what we wanted to call the office/surgery center up to an hour before and we would just cancel and re-schedule when WE were ready- so we had that out if we needed it - which is comforting to my heart....

 

Thanks everyone for sharing. Some days I want to give away the two I have. And some days I nearly weep at the thought of never having another. DH and I have talked about it. Both of us think about the what if, but then DH mentions another set of twins, and I completely change my mind. There are so many reasons we shouldn't have another. I'm just trying to come to terms with that. I've had an IUD for 8 years now, and I'm done with it. I want it out, so if he doesn't step up to take precautions, the oops may well happen. We'll see.

 

I'm jumping boards here.

I guess for me it's a bit different because my kids are adopted... although I never really wanted to experience pregnancy anyway (my AF is so awful, I can't even begin to imagine what being pregnant would be).

I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous of the moms who have a single baby they can love on. For us it was survival mode for 2 years and I can't even imagine ever going through that again. And they seem to be able to do so much more than I'm able to when it comes to outings (sorry but I can't help laughing when I see people with their singleton on a leash... try two!). We're totally done though, and honestly for us having twins was the best thing that could have happened... we didn't have to get broke adopting, and they have each other... I don't think I could have gone through adoption twice. Plus dh is 48 and having another one now would be really hard on him.