I want to choke DH when we go to his families house

Every time we go to his Mom's or sister's house he all of a sudden decides he doesn't have to do jack to take care of the kids. WTF!!!! I am running back and forth like a fool trying to keep them safe and he flops his fat *** on the couch and does nothing. Both of their houses are full of potential accidents for 18 month old twins. He expects me and his mom or sister or anyone else to watch out for them. I have spoken to him about this, both at their homes and in private. I keep trying to tell him that they are his children and noone elses. He is responsible for their safety.He just doesn't get it. It also wears me down. I spend the entire visit running after kids and only get a break to go to the bathroom. I really don't even speak to everyone cuz I'm tooo busy, oh wait that's not so bad with my MIL. I just wish there was something I could do to make him understand. Short of letting the kids fall off a chair and smack their heads open...

 

how about letting him take them there by himself... maybe he'd feel like he needed to help out then?

there are many times when I feel like that when we go to Friday night dinner at my inlaws... it is getting better, but believe me there are many times when I felt like I was the only one keeping them from breaking everything, or getting into the CDs or whatever it was that looked inviting.

anyway, if you're not there... you don't get stressed! win-win, you get to shop, or take a nap or whatever! good luck.

 

Yeah, he isn't going to learn until something "bad" happens. You have it covered so why should he change anything? I don't advocate having them fall off a chair but you could try not watching them so much and see where it leads. However, set it up before you go over. "I am going to talk to your sister for a bit and probably catch up with (fill in blank) so I am going to need your help watching the boys." Make sure you make it clear you expect his help, make sure he repeats back that you expect his help. Don't argue, just make it clear that is what you expect. If he refuses to help, then you have a different problem and I advocate you staying home until he learns to handle the boys by himself at his family's house.

 

I've had a similar situation with my SO and future in-laws. But for me, a lot of was learning to relax and letting go. I felt like I had to be hyper-aware of where they were and what they were doing at all times. And I think it's a combination of them getting a little older and me relaxing that now it's not so frustrating and exhausting for me.

SO and I had also different ideas of what was dangerous and what was not. Once we came together and finally understood the other's point-of-view, that also helped.

 

We went through this too. I would basically be stuck w the kids at the IL's and he'd do more at my families (where we actually get help ) Now we just don't go over to the IL's anymore LOL so it's not a problem

 

I agree with letting him go alone once there. Then he would see how much more work it was.
Do your in law's help at all with the kids? Usually grandma's fall over themselves to chase one around, or entertain them.

My in law's drive me crazy, and they have a tri level house so lots of stairs, and refuse to put up baby gates. It can be hard, but honestly I don't mind wrangling my twins, or sitting in front of a staircase for the whole visit if it means I don't have to visit and play nicey nice.

If you like your in laws, it is a different story than I am singing though!

 

My MIL helps but she is usually busy with dinner. BTW we have to keep them out of the kitchen, since they won't get a gate. Every time we go I hear "Oh we need to get a gate." But it never shows up so I am stuck blocking the kicking & fighting kids from getting to the kitchen. DH just expects his sister will be running like I am but she has one of her own. I'm not fond of mIL so this really isn't so bad just tiring I guess. If he were doing the running at my families house it would be different but no. I think his brain says, "there are plenty of women here, who needs me!"

 

several people mentioned gates... we had been given a few random gates from other people and I did take one over to the inlaws for them to use there... it did help.

 

I think I would conveniently take a breath of fresh air break and walk around outside for while. I use to do this when I felt I had too much. I just told my husband I was going outside for a while and the kids were in the _____ (whatever room) and then I'd take off. Someone will have to watch them while you take a break. I definitely would not ask for permission, I'd just go. My husband has done this to me, and while I don't think it was intentional, he just didn't think about it at all. If I'd take a break, he or someone filled in.

 

If it's an issue of them just flaking out on buying a gate, then I'd buy one and bring over.

Sorry it's so frustrating for you.

 

Love this advice. Check out craigslist for a used one.

 

I hate going to my il's for this very reason...it's all me doing the work with the kids.
I think my dh thinks there are plenty of people there to help out and he doesnt have to do much...but the fact is that NO ONE really helps me-and I end up looking like a total B because I am getting all pissy about my kids and I get the look from FIL like 'you're the mom, this is YOUR job' I can just tell that's what he is thinking...ugh, I am getting pissed just thinking about it!!

So no advice from me really... just sympathy!!

 

When DH & I go out we assign a kid to a parent. Maybe that would help- if you are clear that so and so is yours and this one's mine maybe it'd be a bit more defined for him. :unsure:

 

This was going to be my advice as well... This is what I do with dh, before we get out of the car I ask what kid he wants and he cares for them the entire visit.

I have to say, I'm a bit more of a stickler with my dh. If this happened even once, I'm pretty sure it would be a TON of work to get me to go back. They are welcome at my house or at the park. And if dh really wants to go then he'd get one more chance to go and help and if he didn't then I wouldn't go back for a very long time.

As for the gate, if we're going to someones house that doesn't have kids, I normally bring a gate. I just can't watch all 3 of my little ones run crazy through a house so I tend to gate them in a certain area.

Good luck :grouphug:

 

Well I appreciate all the support and advice but tonight was another mess. He just sits there and gets annoyed that I'm asking for help. I think he get gets mad that I call for him when other people are there. I might have to fire hi.m, or quit. Quitting might be better

 

Ugh. I'm sorry. It sounds like he wants a break from his kids while you want (as parents) to be primarily responsible. I think I'd be unavailable to attend the next get-together as well. Screw that!


...Were you able to bring a gate this time?

 

Agree!! Try this out, then he might get a taste of what he expects you to do all the time. :hug: Good Luck

 

i totally think you need to just do what helps you out... get a second hand gate, or a superyard and bring it with you. we had a 6 sided and 8 sided superyard that I would take with us sometimes.... and you can set it up for the evening then take it back with you, or just leave it there and sell when you're done. do whatever it takes to make it easy on you! and I totally say leave the kids with your dh at your inlaws! I did this last night. we came separately, and the kids were crazy! when my dh got there, I said "see you all later"! and I went grocery shopping and home. they followed an hour later. I got to do an errand I needed and got a little quiet time too.