I need to vent

Does anyone else ever feel resentment from their husband that you stay at home, and they have to work to support all of you? Before the pregnancy, we both had a similar jobs and made similar incomes. My job basically fired me ( a long story) when I had to go on medical leave during my pregnancy, and so we chose for me just to stay at home with the kids. We had thought that I would probably do that anyways, but I was left without a choice when my job disappeared. Anyways, my husband and I are going through a rough patch and every time there is tension, he brings up how I just get to stay at home all day and that he has to work work work work work to support us all. Then he tells me that I should go get a job. I know that he feels pressure to work extra to make up the income, but I don't think it is fair for me to feel resentment from him. Just had to get it off my chest I guess. Today is not a good day.... Well, at least the babies are happy and sleeping quietly right now!

 

The only time I get mad at my SO is when he gets on my about not having laundry done. That's when I scream at him saying that I work all day, you are home all day. Why do I have to work, pay bills and clean up?

There's always going to be some tention from both ends. He may have just had a bad day and is taking it out on you because you are convenient. He doesn't understand that what you do is work too. Without you staying home, you'd be paying through the nose in daycare.

I try and look at it that way.

 

Has he ever stayed home all day with the babies by himself? Maybe he should if he hasn't. You are not able to just sit around all day. I think being a SAHM is the hardest job. It's rewarding but very hard. I feel like I get a break when I go to work 3 days a week. WHen I'm at work I can take a 15 min. break and walk off when I need to. You can't do that at home because even wen they are napping you are trying to get caught up on other stuff around the house or for the babies. (((HUGS))))

 

I understand COMPLETELY!! Yesterday we an an argument over being so broke and it's not even the end of the month(DH only gets paid once a month!) I try to sell odds and ends on ebay to make alittle money for diapers & food. I just started going through the twins clothes that they have outgrown to sell on there and also I've took some to a local consignment shop too.
You should just try and relax and enjoy your babies because they grow up sooo fast!

Good Luck!

 

QUOTE(nadana77 @ Sep 24 2008, 11:36 AM) [snapback]995491[/snapback]
I understand COMPLETELY!! Yesterday we an an argument over being so broke and it's not even the end of the month(DH only gets paid once a month!) I try to sell odds and ends on ebay to make alittle money for diapers & food. I just started going through the twins clothes that they have outgrown to sell on there and also I've took some to a local consignment shop too.
You should just try and relax and enjoy your babies because they grow up sooo fast!

Good Luck!


Curious, how much cash do you get from a consignment shop? I know they won't pay much for items, but what is the average amount you received for an item

 

Is money tight? The only reason I ask is because I feel like sometimes when there is an underlying issue, it may just be easier to vent at you then to say what's REALLY bothering him.

Maybe you guys need to sit down and have a talk, but my guess is that he's stress about losing your half of the income, him being the only one working, and just worrying about making ends meet.

Deep down he MUST know that you don't just sit around all day watching tv with your feet up. I would guess the stress is coming from his own worries about money, having your income cut in half.

Talk to him. That will be the best way to deal with it. Good luck!

 

Being a sahm is the hardest job. Maybe you should let him do it for a weekend so he does know how hard you work each day. That's what I did with my dh. He would rather work. I think you both need to talk though. Don't let any feelings build up. That's how marriages get stressed. It's probably cheaper for you to sah rather than have the twins in daycare anyway right? Plus, if you don't have to have them in daycare, that's better since rsv season is rapidly approaching. Anyway, I'm rambling now. I hope it all works out. Maybe do something nice for him one night when he comes home from work, like have a romantic dinner ready or a bubble bath. Then have your talk. I know it's hard to plan out these things sometimes, but your marriage is worth it. GL

 

I go to work full time and I know it is MUCH harder to stay at home because I did it for the first four months. I am much less tired then I was at home. I am sadder b/c I miss my babies and miss out on everything they do - I work shorter hours then I used to..but still....I wish I could stay home. Unfotunately, I can't :-(.

You have the harder job by far!

 

I agree with pp's.. it sounds like he's worried about something else (probably money and being responsible for his new extended family). You guys should definitely sit down and talk when you aren't upset. Also if he hasn't already, go out for a whole Saturday so he can see what your day is like.

 

i just tell my husband that if I got to go to work it would be a holiday for me! He understand what I do every day I call him at work just to let him know! Im sorry but you work really hard and Its harder as they get older I have worked and I will work again probably until I retire so this time is special and I am going to take care of my kids. :hug:

 

I think those rough patches happen to a lot of people after twins. Just try to communicate. :hug: FWIW, if he was a SAHD I bet he would want to go to work!

 

QUOTE(debfitz @ Sep 24 2008, 01:53 PM) [snapback]995528[/snapback]
Being a sahm is the hardest job. Maybe you should let him do it for a weekend so he does know how hard you work each day. That's what I did with my dh. He would rather work. I think you both need to talk though. Don't let any feelings build up. That's how marriages get stressed. It's probably cheaper for you to sah rather than have the twins in daycare anyway right? Plus, if you don't have to have them in daycare, that's better since rsv season is rapidly approaching. Anyway, I'm rambling now. I hope it all works out. Maybe do something nice for him one night when he comes home from work, like have a romantic dinner ready or a bubble bath. Then have your talk. I know it's hard to plan out these things sometimes, but your marriage is worth it. GL

 

there are two things I would do that should help your DH see the light. Find out what childcare X2 would cost + any work expenses, parking etc so he can see what the actual net difference would be per month. Sounds like he is remembering what your finances were like in your pre-kid days. You going back to work will not result in the same discretionary $$ each month. Actual $$ may help.

Second... what are you doing Saturday? I would leave at the time he leaves for work and come back at the time he gets home. Has he ever spent that much time alone with both of them? Ask him if he thinks five straight days of that is really contributing less to the family than his job.

 

I agree with pp's, if only your dh understood what your typical day is like than he might appreciate what you do and realize he has it easy. Before I went back to work, our "discussions" at home were sort of opposite of yours, I would tell my dh when he got home how lucky he is to get to go to work and how hard it is for me at home. I made it clear that things at home werent a walk in the park. SAHMs have the hardest job in the world, IMO! I would try to communicate to him about you day a little more.

 

You are right, you don't deserve to hear that, being a SAHM is a job too! The first 6 months was an extremely stressful time for our marriage, and we both have said things we didn't mean in the heat of an argument. It still is really stressful sometimes.

All couples should celebrate making it through the first year and staying together, it is tough. I would suggest trying to talk to him when you aren't in the heat of an argument about you staying home. If he really is resentful that's something you'll have to work through together.

 

How can you work with new little twins to care for? Unless you can pay child care, and then that woudl cost an arm and a leg, so no point in working, lol!

 

A little bit of defense for the DH here. I went back to work when my girls were 14 weeks old. We worked it out so I was home by 4 so DH could work. He had them 7-4 all week, and I had them for all the other time. He is self-employed and didn't have a paycheck, so all our bills came from mine.

Anyway, working was very stressful for me, especially that first year when money was so tight. I was so afraid of screwing up at work. I didn't think I'd lose my job, but I did worry about it becoming less and less pleasant if I was seen as slacking off or not pulling my weight. It is an enormous amount of pressure to see that your family's, your babies', liveliehood, is coming from you. I'd get so frustrated if DH asked me why I was (4 minutes) late. Didn't he know I had to succeed at this job so my babies would have a home and insurance, etc?!

(Not proud to admit this, but) I would also get a little irritated if he went out to lunch while I was at work. It wasn't that I thought he was spending my money, but I just wanted him to be very careful with something that had cost me so much. Maybe that's specific to a working mother, though, because I felt like earning money was costing me time with my babies -- and I didn't want to lose any more of that than I absolutely had to.

I'm so glad I'm not going through that situation now, with how the economy is looking. I'd probably have ulcers. I'll bet there are a lot of couples having money arguments these days -- lots of people are worried and on-edge. I agree that it's time for a heart-to-heart.