I need to vent about my DH too

My DH is leaving in August for 3 months to go to Officer Training School for the Air Force. He is very excited and that is all he can think about. He thinks work is hard now if he has to do anything (quite a bit of the time he is sitting at a desk). So he comes home and acts like work is hard and he needs a break. HELLO! I have been home alone with the twins for 12 hours and I need a break too. Yesterday he even acted irritated when I told him he needs to do baby duty for a while because it had been a rough day (took them to Target and Evan screamed off and on while I was shopping then screamed the entire time I was trying to check out and that was just the beginning of the day...).

Then instead of taking my advice to put them in the swing and bouncy after I had played with him (he had to go do something in the yard really quick, yeah right) he decides to play with them and wrestle them around until they are both screaming and overstimulated and overtired. I have to tell him to change DD's crappy diaper and try to calm down DS. I ended up having to hold DS and let him nap on me for a bit and DH puts DD in the swing and goes on his merry way to do stuff. So I was irritated and said something to him about how I still hadn't gotten a break. He said well maybe I need a break too after a long day. GRRR! His long day always includes time to go to the gym and do stuff that he needs to do (without crying babies).

DH always does the first feeding if one of them wakes up before 3-4am so I can get some sleep before we start the day between 6-7. DS was crying so he got up (after I asked him if he was going to) and I heard DD start to fuss while he was changing DS and warming his bottle. Instead of getting her out and feeding her at the same time, he lets her fuss until I get up to feed her. I was TICKED! He was trying to act like she wasn't awake yet, but I got up to go to the bathroom and heard her when he was getting DS around. If I get up and they both fuss, I always just feed them both so he can sleep. I don't know what makes him think he all of a sudden can't feed them both.

Don't get me wrong, usually my DH is so good about doing his share but it is like he thinks he can be on cruise control until he leaves me here alone with them for 3 months. It seems to be getting worse since I stay at home. He acts like it is my job now to do housework and care for the babies, but this isn't what I signed up for. Maybe he thinks it is good practice for me to do almost everything now. I am ready to strangle him though.

I know some of you have it worse, but DH can do much better and has in the past. It isn't like he doesn't know how hard this is. I think it is time I plan a girls night or go out with some friends and let him do it himself for a few hours. The thing that bugs me though is that he doesn't stress out like I do and feel the need to keep them happy. He is interacting with them less unless I encourage him or even tell him to do it. He will let them fuss longer than I will while he is doing what he wants and it doesn't bother him. I try to do more with them and keep them happy and stimulated (but not overstimulated like he does). He tells me what a good job I am doing as a mom which I appreciate, but I think he could be doing better as a dad. I wouldn't say it like that to him, but it bothers me that he isn't being as good of a dad as he should be.

 

I think you need to get to the bottom of why these changes have happened/are happpening. It sounds like something is going on with him and this is his way of 'dealing' with it. Maybe it is because leaving is upsetting him, maybe it is because he wants to be able to see you do everything so he know you will be ok.............whatever it is I think you need to get him to tell you how he is feeling and then you can both work on a solution that will help because obviously his solution is not working.

 

QUOTE(traci_roo @ Jun 20 2007, 11:56 AM) [snapback]299819[/snapback]
It isn't like he doesn't know how hard this is. I think it is time I plan a girls night or go out with some friends and let him do it himself for a few hours.


That's what I was going to say. It sounds like you could use some time away, and it would probably be a good wake-up call to him to see what it is like being totally responsible for both kids. My DH has always been super supportive, but he was definitely even more helpful after I got mastitis and he had to take care of the girls alone while I slept all day!

 

QUOTE(Dianne @ Jun 20 2007, 01:19 PM) [snapback]299912[/snapback]
I think you need to get to the bottom of why these changes have happened/are happpening. It sounds like something is going on with him and this is his way of 'dealing' with it. Maybe it is because leaving is upsetting him, maybe it is because he wants to be able to see you do everything so he know you will be ok.............whatever it is I think you need to get him to tell you how he is feeling and then you can both work on a solution that will help because obviously his solution is not working.


You are probably right. When he would have to be gone for a while and it was just us, he would start to distance himself from me as a coping mechanism I guess. I considered this, but I was just so ticked about having to get up last night when he could have easily fed both. I need sleep as often as I can get it.
He does keep asking if I am going to be okay. I have no choice but to be okay. It is part of the military life.....

 

I love Dianne... she always says it so perfectly. :hug99:

My DH doesn't do much with the boys, but IF I really need the break, he does give it to me. I just have to be stern with him, and right out tell him. Men aren't good with clues... they don't get it, LOL

My hubby's idea of playing with the boys is sitting in the recliner watching them play, LOL

 

[quote name='KYsweetheart' date='Jun 20 2007, 02:17 PM' post='300455'

My hubby's idea of playing with the boys is sitting in the recliner watching them play, LOL
[/quote]

Can you come tell my DH that this does NOT qualify as playing!!??!!? :laughing:

I too think that this may be just his way of kinda distancing himself before he is actually gone! Maybe so when he does leave it's not so harsh! It really stinks for you for him to deal this way, but men are way goofy with emotional stuff. :blush: Hang in there, big :hug99: to you!

Carrie

 

When DH came home yesterday, we talked. I told him how I feel like he is really slacking and putting almost all of the responsibility for the babies and housework on me and it is getting to be more and more each day. I also said that I understand he is leaving soon and he may think I need the "practice" but I want help while I still have it. I pointed out that I am working just as long days as he is with the babies and he agreed. He knows how hard it is because he had to take care of all 3 of us when we came home from the hospital.

He admitted that he didn't realize he was doing it most of the time but sometimes he does and he wants to make sure I can handle it alone. He feels all this pressure to do well when he goes to OTS because he is the "breadwinner" for the family now and feels the pressure to do well so he can make more money. He is stressed out about all he has to do to get ready to leave and worried about leaving us alone for 3 months. He asks me alot if I am going to be okay while he is gone, but it isn't like I have a choice. That is part of the military lifestyle so I deal with it.

So after we talked I felt much better. He took me out to dinner to apologize and played with the babies and kept them entertained the rest of the evening so I could shower and take our dog for a walk to get out of the house alone.

His behavior lately just isn't like him so that was what was making me so upset. He is usually the first one to do house chores and do more than his share without being told to do anything. I need to communicate better with him when I need a break from the babies and what he needs to do to help me. Hopefully it is all straightened out now.

 

Excellent!! I hope you had a great dinner and walk! Soo glad you talked, enjoy the time while he is home!

 

How sweet! I love that he listened to you and even took you out to dinner. Can you have him call my DH and explain to him how to apologize???