I need some advise

OK, here it is.

First off I want to tell you all that I have a habit of getting involved with things if no one else is. If there is no voice for an injustice I will be that voice. Not always wise I know, but I have always been that way. What I want to know is what would you all do?

My FIL is a dirty dog. I mean it. He cheats on my MIL all the time. Not to long ago she came across a cell phone bill that was outrageous. She thought it was My DH's sister who just got out of college. No, it was my FIL making calls to someone. He refused to tell her saying it wasn't her business. WTF???? Yeah, I think it is. Come to find out it was this woman who has been after him for years. Anyhow I wrote him this LONG letter about it. There is a ton of history here too, but it would take forever to write about it.
Anyhow, fast forward a few months to now. My DH's mom went to Amsterdam to see her family. Our lease expired on our car so my DH took it in and had his dad meet him there. He had to help him with a few things so they went back to the house and it got late so my DH's dad told him to just take his moms car and bring it back on Sunday (this was when she was coming home) well he called Sat night and said bring the car around noon and make sure you let me know when you are coming. Well we had to be somewhere early the next morning so I said why don't we just go there early and drop off the car so we can be done with it. So, we get there and his dad isn't there. Now, here is a tidbit about his dad. He is a musician, and has gigs on Saturdays. He never gets home before 2:30 am. Its 7 in the morning. There is a light on in the house but its a beautiful sunny day. So. do you think he got up that early after being gone till 2:30 am to go somewhere (and turned a light on for himself??!?!?) or do you think he just never came home Saturday night and didn't think we would know because he thought we were coming at noon????
I was so upset. My DH said we can't totally jump to that conclusion because there is still a small window of doubt. I said are you daft??? HELLO!!! So anyhow, I just found out that his mom found a CC receipt signed by the woman who has been the culprit for years now. So I think that is all the evidence needed.

So here is the question. First off I feel she should know he most likely was not home Saturday night. But I am so mad I just want to tell his dad off.

How involved should I be? That is the question. I can't stand he does this to her and makes excuses every time. I have talked to him before, and I know it's really not my place. But it is my family and I really care so much about them. I think she should leave him if he is going to keep cheating on her. And well, I just have a hard time not saying anything at all. You know what I mean.

What do you all think?

 

It's hard putting yourself in someone else's shoes. If it were my own IL's, I think I would stay out of it. Though I doubt my husband would. But I also know that when I really know what I want to do (and it sounds like you do), I usually do it, no matter how many people say not to.

Sounds like they may have a strained relationship as it is. Why would she go visit her family out of the country without her husband? How long have they been sort of distant from each other? Do you think she kind of has a feeling something may be going on?

Why doesn't your husband want to step in? Because he doesn't have 100% proof (it's there, but he just doesn't want to believe it?) Could you find proof for him and then would he be the one to get involved?

Sorry, not much help. This is such a difficult situation, sorry you have to be going through it.

 

You know, integrity is just so important to me. I should learn to stay out of things, I just can't seem to. She knows he has in the past, and he assumes something now, but I don't think the ultimate proof is there. Plus she is afraid to be alone. As far as going to see her family, she goes a lot. That is her home, she is close to her family and I think it has always been hard for her to be here. He does go with her sometimes, but she went this time for her mothers 80th birthday.

 

:hug: I too, as hard as it would be, would stay out of it. I would push DH to get more involved and if he doesnt want too then at least you can say you tried.

 

It sounds like she already knows but is choosing to ignore it or pretend like it isn't happening. I think a lot of women do this, they choose to look the other way and go on with their lives....I'm not saying that is the right thing to do. I think if anyone got involved it should be your DH but really, I would not, but that's just me.

 

I would also say that your DH should be the one to talk with them :hug:.

 

QUOTE(melissak @ Sep 9 2008, 12:51 PM) [snapback]971360[/snapback]
It sounds like she already knows but is choosing to ignore it or pretend like it isn't happening. I think a lot of women do this, they choose to look the other way and go on with their lives....I'm not saying that is the right thing to do. I think if anyone got involved it should be your DH but really, I would not, but that's just me.


I completely understand your outrage, having lived this for years (my Dad cheating on my Mom) It's hard to understand why she would choose to ignore it, believe me I know. But I think your MIL is well aware of what her husband is like. I doubt from just what I've read here, that she would be surprised. Do you think this is the first time he has stayed out all night while she was out of town? I bet it's not and she probably doesn't need her DIL to tell her it's going on.

 

QUOTE(ThreeLittleSnowflakes @ Sep 9 2008, 01:34 PM) [snapback]971429[/snapback]
I completely understand your outrage, having lived this for years (my Dad cheating on my Mom) It's hard to understand why she would choose to ignore it, believe me I know. But I think your MIL is well aware of what her husband is like. I doubt from just what I've read here, that she would be surprised. Do you think this is the first time he has stayed out all night while she was out of town? I bet it's not and she probably doesn't need her DIL to tell her it's going on.



Yeah I know. I just can't even respect him anymore. He is so awful. She supports him even. He is so stinking charming and women just swoon over him. Its gagging really. I just feel if someone knew that about my husband and didn't tell me I would be ticked about that too. KWIM. However, you are right and I have decided to say nothing. My DH knows and its his mom so he is the one who should talk about it. I told him he knows the right thing to do and I am saying nothing further on the matter.

 

QUOTE(melissak @ Sep 9 2008, 12:51 PM) [snapback]971360[/snapback]
It sounds like she already knows but is choosing to ignore it or pretend like it isn't happening. I think a lot of women do this, they choose to look the other way and go on with their lives....I'm not saying that is the right thing to do. I think if anyone got involved it should be your DH but really, I would not, but that's just me.


that's what I was thinking

 

Personally, I think you are sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Your MIL clearly knows what is going on and is still with him. That is her choice.

It's one thing to get involved when someone is in immenent danger but this is not the case. You are putting your values and opinions into someone elses personal relationship. It's none of your business and am not sure why you feel you have the right to put your judgement into their relationship.

you don't have to respect him but that still does not give you the right to get involved in their relationship. I'm glad you are not going to say anything. I think that's best for all.

 

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Sep 9 2008, 04:55 PM) [snapback]971820[/snapback]
Personally, I think you are sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Your MIL clearly knows what is going on and is still with him. That is her choice.

It's one thing to get involved when someone is in immenent danger but this is not the case. You are putting your values and opinions into someone elses personal relationship. It's none of your business and am not sure why you feel you have the right to put your judgement into their relationship.

you don't have to respect him but that still does not give you the right to get involved in their relationship. I'm glad you are not going to say anything. I think that's best for all.


I think letting someone know something that might help them feel sane again is a different from judging them. I am not sure how you picked up on that, but I will say I am not in any way judging them. Let me set that record straight right up front. She has speculation that he is cheating and he comes up with a story every-time. She wants some sort of evidence that will give her some sanity. She has been going through hell for the last year trying to piece this together. I care about her very much. I don't think its fair that I know this and she doesn't

I will just ask you this. If your friend/family/loved one etc knew your husband was cheating and didn't tell you how would you feel? Would you not feel like a total (blank) if everyone BUT YOU knew this? Especially if it was your own children? Some may like to live in a state of ignorance, but many want to know.

 

QUOTE(chocomilko @ Sep 9 2008, 10:37 PM) [snapback]972343[/snapback]
I think letting someone know something that might help them feel sane again is a different from judging them. I am not sure how you picked up on that, but I will say I am not in any way judging them. Let me set that record straight right up front. She has speculation that he is cheating and he comes up with a story every-time. She wants some sort of evidence that will give her some sanity. She has been going through hell for the last year trying to piece this together. I care about her very much. I don't think its fair that I know this and she doesn't

I will just ask you this. If your friend/family/loved one etc knew your husband was cheating and didn't tell you how would you feel? Would you not feel like a total (blank) if everyone BUT YOU knew this? Especially if it was your own children? Some may like to live in a state of ignorance, but many want to know.



If I seen harsh I don't mean to be. Just please don't mistake my wanting to care about my family as just someone wanting to be into someone else's business. I think that is the assumption here, and that is truly not the case. I come from a genuine and caring place. I would not have written this post otherwise. Why bother asking at all right?

 

QUOTE(chocomilko @ Sep 9 2008, 10:17 PM) [snapback]972406[/snapback]
If I seen harsh I don't mean to be. Just please don't mistake my wanting to care about my family as just someone wanting to be into someone else's business. I think that is the assumption here, and that is truly not the case. I come from a genuine and caring place. I would not have written this post otherwise. Why bother asking at all right?



You definitely sound like a very caring person!! I am of the agreement also that you shouldn't be the one to broach these issues with your FIL-that should be DH..

 

Its prob not a good idea to get involved since its your inlaws--I once found out a guy was cheating on one of my friends and told her--she not only stayed with him, she got mad at me and hardly speaks to me to this day-Id stay out of it

April

 

It sounds to me like the wife is wise to the situation and for what ever reason chooses to look away. That's between them. You have stated your disapproval, that's all you need to do. You can't control other people's behavior. You can point out that they are making mistakes, and that they are being hurtful, but you can't make them stop doing what they choose to do.

If the situation is personally difficult for you, my only real advice is to keep a little distance. I can understand your anger and outrage, but I honestly doubt anything you do will change the situation. Only those directly involved have the power to do so.

 

I think your MIL has to come to terms with this herself. Lots of times when you tell someone something like this (especially if deep down they already know - which it seems she has to!) they redirect their anger on the messenger and defend the culprit. You could create a major rift between you and your in-laws.

Our policy is: I deal with my family and he deals with his. We never deal with each others. ILs are a slippery slope - you are one of the family....yet your not and in situations like this likely you end up in a bigger mess.

 

QUOTE(melissak @ Sep 9 2008, 12:51 PM) [snapback]971360[/snapback]
It sounds like she already knows but is choosing to ignore it or pretend like it isn't happening. I think a lot of women do this, they choose to look the other way and go on with their lives....I'm not saying that is the right thing to do. I think if anyone got involved it should be your DH but really, I would not, but that's just me.


Ditto.

 

I am sorry you are in this position. If dh wants to talk to his father I would say that would be the best solution. If it is going to eat at you forever and ever, maybe you could confront him? I wouldn't go to her though.

 

QUOTE(5girlies @ Sep 10 2008, 01:16 PM) [snapback]973234[/snapback]
I am sorry you are in this position. If dh wants to talk to his father I would say that would be the best solution. If it is going to eat at you forever and ever, maybe you could confront him? I wouldn't go to her though.



No my husband and I talked about this. He is going to confront his father. This is something he really needs to do. He and his father are not on the best grounds. But then again neither are him and his mother. I am not going to say anything else about it to him either. Its in his hands now.