I need help for this, nothing is working

I know I've posted about this before, but Ainsley's dawdling and flat out refusing to come with the group when we are leaving is driving me absolutely up the wall. When DH has to deal with it, he gets even more frustrated than I do. Our house is a split-foyer ranch, so our kitchen/dining area and bedrooms are upstairs and the family room and playroom are downstairs. We go up and down the stairs a million times a day and have to go up or down a half-flight to leave or enter the house. Ainsley is still hesitant going down the stairs, which I understand due to her gross motor delays. I'm not so concerned with that. But she will run down the hall, play with her high chair, crawl under the table and ignore me, etc. When going up the stairs, she will do similar things, keep playing with toys, say "no" and run off, stuff like that. When both Dh and I are around, one of us can spend some time with her and "make" her go up, or put her in time out if she doesn't. If it's just one adult (usually me) I end up carrying her because Bea is already up or down and I can't wait on Ainsley. I really don't know why she gets like this. It is so frustrating that DH and I yell at her but it does no good, she just ignores us. The only thing that gets her attention is Time Out, and like I said, that is just not practical to do with only one adult present. Please, please, please help! She also dawdles in other situations, but the up and down the stairs in the most frustrating thing.

ETA - Sometimes doing the "Bye Ainsley, we're going to do XYZ without you" thing works, but then sometimes she just says "Bye Mama" and wanders off.

 

You probably have, but, do you give her warnings? Like ok Ainsley, you have x more minutes and then we are going to go and do y! Then again just before it is time, tell her okay we need to get ready to go, pick up our toys ... Maybe give her the warning and it won't feel/seem so much like a lack of control on her side. I do this with my two and then sometimes I jsut have to do the okay I'm leaving now, are you coming with me??? And start to walk away.

Good luck, it is so much fun when they get their minds set on something!!!

 

I would try giving her a countdown from say 5mins before you have to go up/down. Each minute tell her how long she has left, or you could try setting a timer and telling her you are going when it rings. Also whenever possible I would wait until she is not busy doing something and then try tempting her with an activity to do on the other level or outside.
When she's deliberately delaying by running away, hiding etc I would ask her once in a firm tone to come with you. If she didn't then I'd go and get her, carry her to the stairs and then help her up or down.

 

The warnings and the idea of time left to go are fine, but her girls are only 2 years old. I'm not sure if they understand the concept of time in that sense. I also don't know if warnings are appropriate, either. Maybe you could make it a game, like counting the steps as you go up or down, or something like that. And lots of praise when she gets to the top or bottom.

 

QUOTE(debbeeanne @ Sep 16 2007, 11:16 PM) [snapback]410726[/snapback]
The warnings and the idea of time left to go are fine, but her girls are only 2 years old. I'm not sure if they understand the concept of time in that sense. I also don't know if warnings are appropriate, either. Maybe you could make it a game, like counting the steps as you go up or down, or something like that. And lots of praise when she gets to the top or bottom.


Yes, that's why I haven't really tried "We're going upstairs in 5 min", but I do say "After X is done (the show that's on, putting the blocks away, etc) we are going upstairs" and our days are pretty predictable, so she knows that say after breakfast, we go downstairs to play. I do a lot of coaxing i.e. "We're going to eat lunch! We're having mac and cheese!" all happy and sing-song.
She got a bunch of time-outs yesterday because DH was around and we were really trying to work on this.

 

kelly, it somewhat sounds like she's doing it to get attention/ as a game - she knows it gets a reaction from you. if that's the case, i would agree with this:

QUOTE(Twin nanny @ Sep 16 2007, 04:52 PM) [snapback]410298[/snapback]
When she's deliberately delaying by running away, hiding etc I would ask her once in a firm tone to come with you. If she didn't then I'd go and get her, carry her to the stairs and then help her up or down.


not sure if this is a valid comparison, but alisha will sometimes run away when i tell her it's time to get ready or go upstairs or whatever, because peekaboo is one of her favorite games. in those cases, i tell her in a serious voice that she needs to come now and if she doesn't, i go get her with no fuss, no reaction, no game, just matter of fact go get her and take her where she is supposed to go.

i honestly don't know if i would do time outs in that situation - it's not a classic "stop" behavior a la 1,2,3 which i know you read - more like a "start" behavior, don't you think? plus, you said time outs were hard to do consistently in that situation. so maybe consider another option that you can be 100% consistent about AND that works for you and bea as well.

 

QUOTE(ruthjulia @ Sep 17 2007, 02:05 PM) [snapback]411526[/snapback]
kelly, it somewhat sounds like she's doing it to get attention/ as a game - she knows it gets a reaction from you. if that's the case, i would agree with this:
not sure if this is a valid comparison, but alisha will sometimes run away when i tell her it's time to get ready or go upstairs or whatever, because peekaboo is one of her favorite games. in those cases, i tell her in a serious voice that she needs to come now and if she doesn't, i go get her with no fuss, no reaction, no game, just matter of fact go get her and take her where she is supposed to go.

i honestly don't know if i would do time outs in that situation - it's not a classic "stop" behavior a la 1,2,3 which i know you read - more like a "start" behavior, don't you think? plus, you said time outs were hard to do consistently in that situation. so maybe consider another option that you can be 100% consistent about AND that works for you and bea as well.


I know, I didn't really think it was a good situation for time outs as it is a "start" behavior, but when I read the start chapter, that sounded more like for kids a little older. I just didn't know what to do because I am so exasperated by the whole thing. Today she did great going down the stairs as far as the landing, but then laid down on the floor and played with the doorstop, I ended up scooping her up and carrying her down and putting her right in TO. I should also ask the preschool if she is doing this behavior there. It's one of the things I was concerned about with her, I wrote it down on her "about me" sheet.

It could be attention seeking behavior. I'll try picking her up and go with no fussing or yelling and see how that works.

 

HOW ABOUT SAYING ITS TIME TOO..

ITS TIME TO GO DOWN STAIRS.. HOLD MOMMYS HAND..

I HAVE ALWAYS SAID MUST HOLD HANDS.. MY KIDS WILL STEP OUT THE FRONT DOOR AND HOLD HANDS BEFORE WALKING TO THE CAR..

THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD IN THAT ASPECT OF LISTENING..

ON OCCASION MY 3 YEAROLD SAYS ( im holding my own hand) this drives me nutz..

but he knows how important it is to hold his sisters hand so that nothing happens to her..


i get them to look at my nose.. say were going here.. we must hold hands.. tell them every detail including who gets in the car first..

oldest son.. then.. dd then ds.. one at a time they crawl in their seat while the others hold hands waiting..

i remind them how important it is to listen.. and pay attention..

i dread winter when ds and i are standing out side while dd is climbing in her car seat!!!

i hope this wks for you..

m

I SAY THE WORD MUST.. THEY SAY HOLD HANDS.. I SAY IT BEFORE WE GO OUT THE DOOR..

LOOK AT MOMMYS NOSE.. PUT ON YOUR LISTEING EARS.. THEY PUT THEIR HANDS TO THEIR EARS..

THEN THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME .. LISTEING TO ME.. AND THEN I SAY YOU MUST - THEY RESPOND HOLD HANDS..

THEN I WALK OUT THE DOOR WITH EVERYONES ATTENTION..

THIS METHOD WKS FOR ME

M

 

QUOTE(****mws**** @ Sep 17 2007, 03:17 PM) [snapback]411685[/snapback]
HOW ABOUT SAYING ITS TIME TOO..

ITS TIME TO GO DOWN STAIRS.. HOLD MOMMYS HAND..


Oh I do! Over and over and over again. I am starting the "look at me" thing too because I was wondering if she can't hear me with her back turned or something.

 

I SAY THE WORD MUST.. THEY SAY HOLD HANDS.. I SAY IT BEFORE WE GO OUT THE DOOR..

LOOK AT MOMMYS NOSE.. PUT ON YOUR LISTEING EARS.. THEY PUT THEIR HANDS TO THEIR EARS..

THEN THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME .. LISTEING TO ME.. AND THEN I SAY YOU MUST - THEY RESPOND HOLD HANDS..

THEN I WALK OUT THE DOOR WITH EVERYONES ATTENTION..

THIS METHOD WKS FOR ME


KELLY,
I DID THIS THISMORNING..

THEY SIT BY THE FRONT DOOR.. LOOK AT ME .. LISTEN TO ME .. RESPOND TO ME AND THEN WE CAN DO SOMETHING FUN..

WHEN THEIR HEAD IS TURNED.. THEY CANT HEAR ME.. WHEN THEY ARE ZONED IN THE TV.. EVERYONCE IN A BLUE MOON..

THEY CANT HEAR ME..

SO I GO BY THE GENERAL RULE..

STOP.. LOOK.. (AT MY NOSE) LISTEN.. (TOUCH EARS) RESPOND( COMPREHEND WHAT I SAID) AND THEN WE GO..

I HAVE HAD ALOT OF LUCK..

I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU AGAIN

M

 

QUOTE(Twin nanny @ Sep 16 2007, 01:52 PM) [snapback]410298[/snapback]
I would try giving her a countdown from say 5mins before you have to go up/down. Each minute tell her how long she has left, or you could try setting a timer and telling her you are going when it rings.


I like this idea, too...but feel it might not work at barely 2. I think you could probably add on to the "make-it-a-game" theme by maybe showing them the timer and how it works, and then putting it upstairs (but just at the top of the stairs so they can hear it), and then see who can go find the timer as a way to get up there?

Nick is a dawdler too, and Joe's favorite game is, "oh-you-want-me-to-do-something-I'm-running-away-come-get-me". At this age (18mos) I don't expect much out of them, and anticipate a long 6 months of repeating myself a million times a day and trying not to let my frustrations turn the situation into a game for the boys. I do enjoy seeing the replies/posts about these topics as a way to handle it in the future as they mature.

I feel your pain. We live in a split-level too.

 

OK, reading your post it makes me very glad that while I live in a 2-story house, the only thing on the 2nd floor is my office and my husband's office, so we don't go up and down with the girls!

I think in your situation whenever she dawdles I would just say (calmly), "It's time to go (get lunch, take a bath, downstairs, whatever), if you don't come right now, I am going to carry you!" And then if she doesn't come say, "Okay, I guess I'll have to carry you!" Mine are very independent and hate to be carried (unless it's a time they WANT to be carried, LOL), so this usually works when we're in that sort of situation.

Sometimes when we get to daycare (where we have to walk down a flight of stairs) one of them wants to dawdle at the top of the stairs while the other one heads downstairs, so I have to employ this trick. I ALWAYS carry through on the threat to carry them, so now they are usually pretty good about saying, "NO no no no no! I walk!" etc. and I don't usually have to get to the point of actually carrying them anymore.

 

QUOTE(BettiePage @ Sep 17 2007, 09:08 PM) [snapback]411859[/snapback]
Sometimes when we get to daycare (where we have to walk down a flight of stairs) one of them wants to dawdle at the top of the stairs while the other one heads downstairs, so I have to employ this trick. I ALWAYS carry through on the threat to carry them, so now they are usually pretty good about saying, "NO no no no no! I walk!" etc. and I don't usually have to get to the point of actually carrying them anymore.

Just wanted to chime in that this happens to me at daycare all the time too. It isn't consistently one girl or the other -- recently Sarah has been more interested in getting to the car and Amy has wanted to dawdle, but it goes both ways.

Unlike Bettie, I do still usually wind up carrying one of them. After I pry her hands off of whatever toy she's holding. But it works. The only time I have a problem is when I'm already carrying one (and she refuses to walk), and then the other one wants to dawdle! I'm not strong (or coordinated) enough to pick up a struggling toddler while I'm already holding one, so I wind up having to cajole. I HATE cajoling. :angry:

Anyway, I feel your pain, sort of.

 

Little mini-update. Let's hope this works permanently!
When we were going upstairs to bed, the dawdling started, she was playing with the gate at the bottom of the stairs. I first said a couple times, "Stop playing with the gate, time for bed" she ignored me. Then I bent down, got close to her face and said "Take your hands off the gate" and she did it! Then "Go to the stairs" and she did, then go to the first step and we will count the steps, and OMG, she went up the stairs with me counting them! I can't believe it.
I guess maybe she needs more straightforward, one-step instructions. I kind of forgot about how she does better with "Get on the floor" as opposed to "Don't climb on the table" type of thing.
Anyway, I'm hoping I've turned a corner on this. This has been the bane of my existence for like 6 months or so and can nearly reduce me to tears.