I need help, advice - almost 18 months

Someone please tell me...when do they actually start to listen? And not whine constantly?

I have rather high-maintenance child that will not listen and in fact, seems to do exactly what I tell her not to. I do time-outs in the pack n play but she would seriously spend the whole day in there if I put her in it every time she didn't listen. When I take her out she just goes back to doing/touching whatever got her in trouble.

Outings are horrible. I just tried walking a mile and a half to the park and she screamed and screamed until I gave up and just turned around before we even got there. We both cried all the way home. I drove to the park yesterday and she was okay for about 45 minutes and then got bored and started whining. So we had to leave. She hates the stroller now that she can walk...but walking while we are out is out of the question at only 18 months...plus then her sister would want out too.

I swore I would not be that mom that couldn't take her kids anywhere....but I now dread going out because Breena is like shopping with a ticking time bomb. What's even worse is that we are supposed to take two long trips (one driving, one flying) to see family in the coming weeks and I would rather walk on hot coals than take these trips but I have no choice.

I am completely miserable and am starting to think maybe I should go back to work and put them in day care since I obviously have NO IDEA what the heck I am doing as a stay-at-home mom. :angry:

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure that you are doing a wonderful job being a SAHM. Toddlers go through phases and test their boundaries. They are exploring the world around them. This will pass. Distractions are great as well as repeat, repeat, REPEAT.

Stick to your guns at home with creating a precident. I started doing the countdown from 5 with mine and if they didn't listen they go to timeout. Now 3 months later, they get it and will respond. It takes alot of time, repetition, and consistancy.

Be strong - you can do it!!

 

When my boys were 18 months I felt exactly the same way. I found going out to play groups helped with distracting them. I got a digital timer for time outs and they quickly understood they were on timeout till it rang. It took a few months but now they are two and for the past 4 weeks or so life has been much easier.

 

:hug: This is a tough age because they can't communicate that well. Once my girls started really talking, the whining lessened considerably!

As for the time outs and defiance, consistency is key here. Also, think about putting a toy in time out instead of her. Find out what her 'currency' is and use that as a consequence to her actions. When my girls start fighting over a toy and don't play nicely with it, the toy goes in time out. The other thing

I've started doing (because one DD is getting very defiant lately), I get down on her level and tell her to look at me. Then I calmly say "We do not [climb on the bookcase/steal sister's favorite toy/rattle the doors/throw the sippy cup at the TV/etc]. You need to listen to mommy." Now that they are a little older I also give them warnings before time outs. They have three strikes and that actually works ok too. Now when I say "Look at me" they reply "I listen Mommy!" So I think its working, but we still have our bad days too. :hug: and GL!

 

I felt that way many times. When my twins were 18 mos old, my DH took a job out of state. We moved with two screaming 18 mo babies. I swore we wouldn't move again until they were much much older. Everything was an exhausted effor.

The only thing you can do is keep trying, and they will adjust to it. You will find it gets easier.

 

She sounds just like my Lily. I think that this is a challenging time for everyone. Try something different when you go out. Ditch the stroller. I can no longer do long walks with mine in the stroller either. Now, we walk down the street together. They love to lead me and stop and pick up all of the interesting things. When we go to the store or run errands the only way it works is if I put Jack in the front of the cart and carry Lily. I bring a cup for each of them and give them blueberries to munch on or a sourdough pretzel. I also let them hold some of the items we are shopping for. I had to try it many different ways to get to this one way that works.

I think you are being hard on yourself. It IS hard to go out with them and sometimes it is less than perfect. We tried to go to the library this morning and Jack would not stop playing with the computers and banging the mouse around. Lily would not share anything with him and she kept putting her arm out as if to push him and yelling "NO". So, we left, then I took them outside to look at the birds in the lake and they kept jumping up on different benches and standing on them. No big deal if it was the same bench but it was not so I could not make sure neither of them fell and they refused to compromise with me so, we left! Then we went to the store and Lily insisted on "helping" me push the cart which really made things worse and then she threw a fit when Jack got to hold the bottle of laundry detergent so I had to buy two bottles just so they each could hold one. When we got home Jack had a fit because I would not let him have the laundry detergent bottle he was so attached to. He wanted to hold it while he was eating lunch in his high chair and I also think he wanted to sleep with it...

Sorry for the ramble, but my point is that no matter what went on while we were out, we went out and we did it and sure enough by the time we got home it was time for lunch and bed. Another morning and we all survived it. It is never easy, especially when you have a high spirited child (Lily).
Keep going out, but keep trying new ways to make it work for you. Try ditching the stroller on errands and park near the cart return and use the cart for the kids. Let them help you as much as possible, or think they are helping you anyway. One more thing that I do is that I always compliment them on a job well done when we get in the car on the way home. I will take a minute to go to each side, touch said child in some way, and say "thank you for being so good in the store/park/playgroup, (whatever it may be). You did good sharing, and good listening and I am very proud of you. When you help me by being so nice, it makes it easy for me to take you to new fun places with me." I swear after a few times of doing this consistently, it helped tremendously.

Also, I think 45 minutes is a fine amount of time at the park and I am sure many that age would get bored after that amount of time.

Stay at home moms are amazing and I think you are doing a great job and you are a great mom!

 

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and suggestions...

DH thinks I am expecting too much from them at this age, and he may be right. I guess I compare them to the singletons that we meet for playgroups or see out. It always looks so easy for those moms, which is weird because I never thought that way until they hit 17 months.

I really feel like they wear me out on a daily basis. We have no family here....we never get a break and it really gets to me at times. I feel like I'm a hamster on a wheel...doing the same stuff day in and day out....repeating myself constantly...Ugh. I don't know how to break that cycle.

 

So as usual, I could have written your post. I can't tell you how many times a day the thought (ok, fantasy) of me going back to work and eating lunch with adults and not cleaning and disciplining children that actually listen to me (or at least go to the office if they don't). It is so very tempting, but then I realize that more than likely, I will just have work on top of the same stresses I'm already dealing with.

We went to the park on Sunday (the boys and I) and same thing, we all left in tears. However, theirs were done once we drove for 5 seconds but mine lasted half the night. I said the exact same thing-how can it be that my only options are to be a shut-in or deal with two whining, screaming, body-flopping babies that try to crawl (because they REFUSE to walk even though they are able) into the street? It's frustrating because on top of it all, you feel guilty for feeling that way! Mine are starting a mother's day out program (2 days a week from 9-2) in February after their last shots. I go back and forth about it and I sometimes feel like I'm giving up or can't handle motherhood when I think about them going. Then I feel like I'm already contributing no money to the family income, but also SPENDING a crapload as well. But then I wake up and realize that I can not nor should I be expected to do it ALL. And I know my husband realizes that. And it will be good for them as well, the socialization and preparation for when the time comes that they have to go somewhere everyday.

Anyway, I don't have any real advice I guess. You just have to keep plugging along until bedtime sometimes. And lately I've been taking 30 minutes or so to let them sit in their high chair with yogurt and watch a Noggin show or their aquarium DVD. It helps. And it's necessary. Have a glass of wine and toast to things getting better soon! Hang in there. :hug:

 

You guys are scaring the h*ll out of me!!!!!

 

QUOTE(serranoboys @ Nov 18 2008, 09:59 PM) [snapback]1075976[/snapback]
Anyway, I don't have any real advice I guess. You just have to keep plugging along until bedtime sometimes. And lately I've been taking 30 minutes or so to let them sit in their high chair with yogurt and watch a Noggin show or their aquarium DVD. It helps. And it's necessary. Have a glass of wine and toast to things getting better soon! Hang in there. :hug:


I totally second the yogurt thing. Sometimes the most relaxing part of my day is when I sit them in their highchairs, give them each a spoon and a container of yogurt and let them make a big mess. It takes about 20 minutes and I appreciate the whine free time.

 

:drinks: I'm right there with you. This is hard. I *so* get the plugging along until bedtime feeling!

 

QUOTE(belinda07 @ Nov 18 2008, 10:55 PM) [snapback]1076062[/snapback]
You guys are scaring the h*ll out of me!!!!!


Be afraid. Be VERY afraid! :lol: I'm totally kidding. We all feel just as passionately about the good times as we do the bad but we post here to get help for the rough times...after all, who needs advice on how to contain their joy every time they look into their babies'eyes? There are just as many (or more) days where I want to just keep them awake all night to watch them play and cuddle and recite all the cute new things they're learning. It's just a bittersweet period. You'll see.....And we'll be here when you do .

 

right there with you all ... today at Target I was holding one kid screaming while the other is screaming in the stroller. I am trying to bribe them with cookies and they just shout "NO!" and throw the cookies in the floor ... the one in the stroller is bending herself at a 90 degree angle and trying to wriggle her way free while the one in my arms is throwing herself backwards and I swear I don't know how she doesn't have whiplash ... then they scream all the way home ... then we get home and I take them out of the car and let them walk to the door and they scream b/c they don't want to go inside so I pick up two floppy toddlers all the while screaming "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" like I am coming at them with a sledgehammer ...

So, I get it ... and it is EVERYDAY that they act this way. Especially one of them ... the other is generally better behaved ... so when it is 3AM and they have been awake crying for two hours and I lose my mind cursing and punching pillows (WTF with the night waking all the sudden???) and my DH says that I need to learn to contol myself ... I thought that if I DID have a sledgehammer then I would knock him in the head with it ...

You know, they say "you always hurt the one you love" ... and that is so true with toddlers ... when they behave ten times better for Grandma or Daddy ... I just tell myself that they are testing all their bad behavior out on me because they feel secure that I will love them anyway ... and it helps ... because, obviously, we do love them anyway and even love them more ... even despite the tantrums.

Keep on keeping on ... that is what I am doing ... and there was a lady behind me in line who said she has 5 year old twins and it got a lot easier around 2 years old ... so here's to hoping!!!

 

OMG ladies, you don't know how reassuring it is to read this! It makes me feel like I"m not alone or a bad mother. And I thought the same thing about putting them in daycare (I'm a SAHM). We just got over 2 months of ear infections, colds and the flu so it hasn't been a very happy time and I've just wanted to shot myself! :-( (I'm kidding of course, but I know you all know what I"m talking about).

Sunshinetwins: if your dd can stay out at the playground for 45 minutes, she has a much longer attention span than my two! LOL!

Ahmerl: I LOL when I read your post! Soooo true. And ds does the same thing yours did with the detergent bottle with various paraphenalia: he wants it so much he'd sleep with it if I let him.

When my kids start to whine I try to think of what they're trying to tell me, and I ask them too. Are you thirsty/hungry/tired/poopy/cold...etc. And I usually find out what it is. Also, I try to not push their limits too much. They just don't have the capacity at this age to be very patient. So we play somewhere for 1/2 hour to maybe an hour at the max, then we do something different.

Anyway, the best thing is hearing the mom of 5 yo twins say it gets a lot better after they're 2 and can articulate their needs/wants more.

 

QUOTE(belinda07 @ Nov 18 2008, 05:55 PM) [snapback]1076062[/snapback]
You guys are scaring the h*ll out of me!!!!!


Me too!! I have one that is already throwing these awesome temper tantrums and she's only 13mo, I cant wait to see whats going to happen when she's walking. I'm a-scared!

 

I can really relate to your post. But I console myself with the idea that everything is a phase. If I were you I wouldn't stop going out, but I wouldn't do more than you or your kids can handle. They may not be up for trips to the mall, but the might like to visit the neighbour for 1/2 an hour. And BTW, 45 minutes at the park is a good thing! But maybe 46 minutes is just too much right now. Be proud of the fact that you spent 45 minutes at the park with TWO toddlers! I'm impressed. Also, and I know I might not get much support from the other posters on this one, but consider ditching the time outs. IMO there's a strong chance your child is just not developmentally ready for time outs. I know that my sons aren't. 18 months is still very young and I find the best thing is to get down on the ground and play with the kids - modeling the kind of good behaviour you're looking for and praising all of the good things they do. Deal with negative behaviour immediately and then re-direct and/or model more appropriate behavior. You might pick the child up and move him/her to the other side of the room and say, "We don't want to play with people who hit." That's enough of a time out for my boys. Toddlers are curious, they're constantly testing the limits, and they're learning all the time (good and bad things) - it's just the nature of their little lives. Best of luck to you! You're not alone!

 

I am scared too! I currently have a similar situation outside my family with this behavior and it is so frustrating. Wow, well thank you for posting this because I thought it was the age and now I see it definitely is.

 

QUOTE(cohlee @ Nov 18 2008, 10:36 PM) [snapback]1076455[/snapback]
Me too!! I have one that is already throwing these awesome temper tantrums and she's only 13mo, I cant wait to see whats going to happen when she's walking. I'm a-scared!


I had one that started with tantrums around her first birthday. Things got MUCH MUCH better once she could communicate more. She still sometimes dramatically throws herself on the floor, but its not as bad as it was. Don't be scared!

 

Oh, and a word about strollers...all 3 of ours have been in the garage collecting dust since they got their wagon for their birthday. I take it EVERYWHERE! Yes, the mall, Target, the library...you name it! They are so much better in the wagon. I think it's because they can see more and they're only belted at the waist. The one we have has 4 cupholders (we use two for sippies, two for snacks. You might want to give that a shot.

 

QUOTE(CHJH @ Nov 18 2008, 08:42 PM) [snapback]1076467[/snapback]
Also, and I know I might not get much support from the other posters on this one, but consider ditching the time outs. IMO there's a strong chance your child is just not developmentally ready for time outs. I know that my sons aren't. 18 months is still very young and I find the best thing is to get down on the ground and play with the kids - modeling the kind of good behaviour you're looking for and praising all of the good things they do. Deal with negative behaviour immediately and then re-direct and/or model more appropriate behavior.


For what it's worth... I second this. My girls simply aren't ready for time outs. I tried and they cried and screamed and just didn't understand why I was putting them in the corner. I admit I only tried for a day or two. However, when I tell them why they can't do something and redirect them, they seem to understand more and the 'bad' behavior tapers off. I can't say that they never bite or steal toys, but we've been able to make it work without timeouts.

 

Wow...it's so nice to see that I'm not alone!

DH said something to me last night....after a very rough day with these 2. He said, "You realize it could be SO much worse?" They came very close to coming at 26 weeks. I remember the NICU doctor that came into Labor and Delivery and told me all the horrible things that could be wrong with babies born that early. I know if I check out some of the other forums here on this board, I would see that there are way worse things I could be dealing with besides some whining and non-listening.

I only really have one high-maintenance child. Breena has a very, VERY short attention span so it's hard not to compare her to her much more laid back twin. Baylinn barely fusses. She plays by herself. Will watch a full Baby Einstein DVD without moving. Does not like when I raise my voice, so she is better behaved. While Breena is Mommy's Girl and needs much more attention. And will be bad to get that attention. She whines when she's bored, which seems to be all the time. Breena won't really sit and watch a DVD. So I catch myself thinking how 'easy' it would be if they both had Baylinn's personality.

I do feel a bit better today. In order to feel like I'm making some contribution to the household income, I'd started selling stuff on ebay and etsy. It was good to have something else to think about, but it also ended up being more stressful then what I thought it would be. Now that I've worked out the kinks and found what works best for me, I don't have to think about the sites as much and can relax a little more about it. (I'm a perfectionist so even doing routine things can take me a ridiculously long time!)

Thanks everyone for helping me realize I'm not alone!