I love having twins but...

I cannot describe how excited I was to find out I was having twins and I am still awestruck that I had two babies at once. However, I do feel that they are missing out on certain things, and I am too. For instance, I only get one year off; if I had singletons I would have had a year off with each child which would have meant more time with my children, and money, with paid mat leave. Instead, I am taking a year off unpaid to stay home with them until they are two. I know that sacrifice is worth it, but I also feel that I don't have the energy I would have if I only had one child at a time. Some days I feel exhausted and don't have time to interact with the babies as much as I would if I were only caring for one child. Then, we have had to buy two of most things, resulting in less money to spend on other things, and we won't be able to use hand-me-downs from one child to the next. Everyone tells me how wonderful it is to have twins, but sometimes I don't think they realize how difficult it can be. When people say to me, "I want(ed) to have twins," I smile and say, "It's a blessing but having one baby to look after now seems easy." Has anyone else felt this way?

 

:hug: Yes, I've felt that way too. Some days I'm so glad I have twins but some days I feel jealous of people with only one baby. I wonder what it is like to have the "normal" parenting experience. Oh well, I still wouldn't trade either of my girls and I bet you wouldn't want to trade one of yours either! People with singletons probably wonder what it's like to have twins.

 

my mom gets upset whenever I bring this up. I know I am blessed to have twins and I would not change
a thing - and I belive all moms feel the same way- but yes, I do get jealous or sad at the
things they do miss..or I miss out on...
for ex.. friends of mine with one baby around the same age get together to go to the pool.water parks, etc
I can't do that - I don't have anyone to come with me to help me with the other baby
I can't fly with them alone- I would of traveled to see my family a lot more often if I had one baby.
when I get help, they help me with one, but I still don't get the time off for me.

I see how "easy" it is when I go to classes with them and I see all the singeltons mommies....just
out of the car, grab the baby and go...

on the other hand, I see how it is difficult for friends of mine with 2 childern close in age....
they feel they can't do the same things for the second baby as they did with the first..and miss out on that..

then I think about moms who could only have one child ... or none...
everyone has its problems...their blessings... I don't compare in the sense of saying "you have it better me",
I just like to share the frustrations sometimes, without people thinking that I am complaining about having twins.
and maybe get some ideas from those experienced moms

 

I think we all feel that way. Let me just say 1 year paid leave is awesome. I got 12 weeks unpaid, and when I didn't make it back in 12 weeks, I lost my job!

 

:hug: Momma! I think as twin mom's we have all felt those exact same feelings at one point or another. However, with twins you also get to experience a lot of things that singleton moms won't. Like seeing them interact, watching their amazing twin bond grow, they always have a playmate that is the exact same age...the list goes on. :hug:

 

There are definite disadvantages & raising twins can be very difficult some days. But, the rewards far outweigh the negatives. And, as for not spending as much time with them individually as you would a singleton, that's true but then they have the bond with each other that singletons miss out on. Still, I think most all of us can understand how you are feeling! :hug:

 

I guess I need an attitude readjustment to start appreciating all the benefits of twins. After nine years of marriage, a complete surprise pregnancy, and doing whatever I wanted to, I must get used to being unselfish. And it's true about one year paid mat leave, it's amazing.... thank you Canada for that!!!

 

I don't think you are selfish at all & nothing is wrong with your attitude. The first year is an exhausting, sometimes difficult time with twins. I think all of us understand exactly how you are feeling at this moment. :hug:

 

Grrrr I had a response typed out and it got lost!

I think feeling that way is completely normal. But having had 2 singletons and twins, each baby carries it's own challenges. I have a good friend who's son is 2 months older than the twins. She's been through 6 months of hell with her ds. He's screamed pretty much every day for the first 6 months of his life. They've tried countless formula's, reflux meds, gas meds, dr appt's, bloodwork, and even a neurologist appt to check for seizures. Would you believe I think having twins has been easier than what she's gone through??

Every momma has those thoughts of "what if". I remember how easy it was to leave the house with 2 kids, now I juggle 4 every time I go out the door!! But when I think of how "hard" it is, I also try to remind myself of how many cool things I'm going to get to experience with twins. I'm going to get to see how two babies, a boy and a girl, who are raised in the exact same way, can differ. I get to watch them interact with each other, discover new things together, and probably get into lots of trouble together. I don't think about what their missing, but I try to think about what they are gaining that my singleton's never got to have. That instant playmate. That soulmate. :wub: I just try to remember those things instead of what they aren't going to get. :hug:

 

I feel this way a lot, but those feelings are becoming a little less frequent slowly and a pride is growing stronger and stronger in its place as I watch my girls grow and grow and smile and coo - with each other now which is truly special. I feel guilty sometimes because I feel cheated for my girls and myself. Part of it is because I have three good friends with babies less than 2 months old and they get to spend all day every day focused specifically on their singletons. They get together to shop and the mall, go to the pool, etc and I join them sometimes. But they do unconsciously at times make me feel bad. For instance, when both of my girls cry on and off and it is a day where there is not a moments peace, if I am out I "deal" with it or I decide to go home if I am not up to the task. At that point one of my friends nervously offers to take one of my girls (with their baby) or put them in a sling while they push their baby, etc, because the crying, or whining, makes them apprehensive. But the reality is that I do a lot on my own and there is a way I manage the girls now, and there is a reason I am not doing all the things they advise in that moment. They are truly trying to help but it can come off as insulting. But it is partially me. I have had them ask if I could join them and leave one of my girls behind with my husband (on a weekend). This really infuriates me and I just say we come as a package. Sometimes we are simply not invited. My own defensiveness can get in the way - I will totally admit it - I can realize this much about myself. So, there are bad days, but usually they are dramatized with sleep deprivation. The days that I get up and insist on having a good attitude and taking the girls somewhere fun are the days that I want to have more of. So, as you can see this is a fairly sore subject in my life and I just want to hug you and say...YES, I have those feelings a lot and it is hard to talk about them without people thinking we might not be a grateful as we should be. THANK GOODNESS for this forum. And incidentally, my DH deals with this too when he is with other dads. I think joining a twins mommy group or a groups that meets a night a month for the entire family would be so beneficial. I am working on that now. Is that something you have considered?

 

I think it's normal to feel that way. And I also think we ALL do at some point or another. Like Aimee said though, "Some days I'm so glad I have twins but some days I feel jealous of people with only one baby. I wonder what it is like to have the "normal" parenting experience. Oh well, I still wouldn't trade either of my girls and I bet you wouldn't want to trade one of yours either!".

..and I totally agree ^_^

 

I couldn't have said it better myself!

 

Me!
I think it's normal to feel that way at times. I sometimes have singleton envy! It looks so easy (but it's probably not). We tried to get pregnant for a long time and were finally successful through IVF. I'm so thankful to have our complete family, but it can be exhausting. We don't have family nearby, so I'm on my own a lot. I think the best thing about having twins is they have a built in playmate. Tonight at dinner, both babies were cracking each other up. My DS thinks his sister is the funniest thing ever. Nothing else makes him laugh so hard. My DD does little noises and movements to entertain him. When I see them happy together, it makes it all worth while.
Beth

 

Thanks for all your positive support. I agree with what you've all said, and I think the fact that I have many friends who have just had their first child and they are enjoying it by going to the beach, swimming lessons, out for lunch, and activities that I can't easily do, makes it seem worse while I sit here at home in my rocking chair. Basically, I find it much easier to stay at home since I know how to deal with the babies in this setting than while we are on the go. At least I have some very good friends who stop by for visits. The fact that I cannot have any more children makes all of it worthwhile, and helps me get through times I have 'singleton envy,' and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only twin mom who feels this way.