I lost my temper-- and I don't know how I can keep PTing

I tried seriously PTing Joel last week- put him in underwear, told him to keep them clean and dry. He is very good at communication and understanding. He's really done well-- more days than not he's been successful, except he will not poop in the potty. Also, he's really good at holding it. Crazy good at it--- like he went yesterday afternoon before nap (around 2) and did not go again until after breakfast this morning. I ask him to come and try-- he'll go and sit and nothing. I KNOW he has to be able to go, but he chooses not to. So Sunday and today-- I kept asking him to go, had him in the bathroom, and he will not sit and go. Mere SECONDS later today, after he was in the bathroom and asked again and again to go, he walks out in the (carpeted) room and pees/poops his underwear!!! :headbang: :headbang: I lost it. We had JUST been over this-- he did the same thing Sunday and I was very clear what happened and how he was to go IN the potty. He tells me all the time-- it goes in the potty, so I KNOW he KNOWS. WHY WHY WHY will he refuse to sit when he knows he has to go?? I can't physically force him on the toilet nor can I force him to eliminate. What am I supposed to do?!?! Keep him locked in the bathroom until he goes?? Ugh, I'm so frustrated-- I feel like the worst mother ever for yelling at him for this, but it's so infuriating! And all the MDOs require 3 year olds to be PTed, and I don't think either will be there in the next 3 weeks! So I'm going to be stuck with them for every day for the fall. (Oh, and DH's in Afghanistan-- so I'm all alone in this.)

 

I can tell you what worked for my DS however it may not be popular...he pee trained in 4 days...he sh!t his pants all last summer....I finally (after using treats and praise etc) had to threaten to take away his prized activity - the computer with PBSkids...that was his currency and it worked...I know PT'ing shouldn't have punitive results but sometimes you have to find what makes the mare go...also making him clean up his own messes helped as well....if he peed on the floor I gave him a paper towel and he had to help mop it up (I followed with rug cleaner etc) but I also believed that helped as well....

 

This is where I'm at with one of my twins. We did potty training boot camp about 1 1/2 months ago. One DD is doing great, the other continues to poop and pee in her underwear. And I WILL NOT go back to diapers. So now I am taking away her favorite things every time she has an "accident" and believe me, it's NO accident, it a total power struggle. I know she gets it because she'll go to the potty when she wants to, usually to avoid something else like bedtime. I told her she can get her things back when she starts going in the potty and by that I mean she actually has to ask/tell me she has to go.

Anyway, to the original poster... if you don't mind backing off for a awhile so it doesn't become a control issue, I think that's what the "experts recommend." Especially since you lost your temper, you may need a break as well. Hopefully it won't become a power struggle where you have to start enforcing consequences.

 

Do your boys know about school in the fall? I was thinking maybe that would be motivation for them if they know they have to be in underwear to go. Do you use any type of reward? I know all kids are different but M&M's worked for my girls. Try not to beat yourself up about yelling. We have all done it at some point, especially when it comes to PT-ing. I agree with one of the previous posts, I would back off of it for a week or so and see what happens.

 

Thanks gals-- I do feel bad tonight, because it seems he is extremely constipated from holding it the past few days (since he refuses to poop on the potty) so I'm sure that at least played a small part in it. So he's in diapers once again-- I'll probably leave him in those for a few days and maybe try to get his poop more normal. And yes, I've told them they can't go back to school unless they can pee/poop in the potty, but it doesn't seem to phase them. I was hoping that if I could at least get J done, and send him to school, B would be upset about being left at home, so maybe that would encourage him to go. We do M&Ms-- 2 for peeing, and 5 for poop, although that's never happened yet. I've shown them several prizes like a DVD, Cars pillow cases, a couple new toys-- and all they do is talk about when they go pee/poop in the potty they'll get the toy or whatever, but doesn't seem to make them actually try to DO SO! I started to do a sticker chart, but that didn't seem to keep them motivated either. I just SOOOO wanted to at least get one to go to MDO this fall-- I really need the break, but it just doesn't look like it's possible. :cry: :gah:

 

Oh momma, you really need those boys PT so you can get a break! :grouphug: I can't imagine solo parenting twins at this age.

Anyway, I think he is sensing your pressure and reacting poorly to it. For some kids, even when they 'get it' they can still have accidents for awhile. Maybe he is having some anxiety over the whole thing and it's causing performance issues? I think backing off is the right thing to do right now. Give him a week in diapers with no pressure to try to use the potty. Then very nonchalantly tell him he is a big boy who is going to wear underwear from now on. Ask him to tell you when he needs to go and schedule some potty breaks in your day (wakeup, after meals, before and after nap, etc). Try your best to keep your cool and to be positive about the whole process. When he has an accident, get him to help you clean it up but don't make a big deal out of it. I have learned with my DD, that some kids thrive on the negative attention given for accidents. She's been PT for 8 months now, but we had months of lots of accidents because I would show my frustration and then we'd get in a negative cycle of attention. It was awful.

I really hope they are ready and can go to MDO in 3 weeks. But PT is one of those things that you can't really control as much as we all want to.

 

When I did mine at 2 yr and 3 mo I took them every 30 min. They had to sit on the toilet and got 1 m&m if they went. Often at first one one get candy adn the other one didn't. that helped to motivate. The pooping was the hardest. Is there someone else to talk to them about being big kids and going to the bathroom who might help motivate. Mine loved to call DH, grandma, aunt to tell them they went on the toilet. just some suggestions.

 

:hug: Sounds like backing off for a few days is a good idea. He really could be picking up on your stress, so a break while you both calm down is probably the best thing.

If you find you're having the same problem when you start back up you could try using a timer. Set it to go off after a regular amount of time (say 30-45 minutes seeing as he's good at holding it) and when it rings he has to sit on the toilet for 5 minutes (unless he pees/poops sooner), which you also time on a timer. Some children really do respond better to a timer than to being told "come and sit on the potty", you just make it really matter-of-fact; the timer rang, that means you have to sit on the potty.

Poo can be a stumbling block with lots of children. If he's doing well with peeing on the potty you might consider letting him have a diaper to poo in. Holding in poo leads to constipation, which means pain, which makes them even less likely to go and creates a vicious circle. Is he using a little potty or the proper toilet? It's always worth letting him try the other to see if that makes a difference.

Good luck!

 

This is great advise!

I also have a DH in Afghanistan and both of mine had poop issues!

I would back off for a couple of weeks. Have you asked him what would be a good incentive? You might be surprised... Based on our experience with poop and many a trip to the Ped, I would talk to your Ped. They can do a quick physical to tell if he is constipated. Our Ped even did abdominal x-rays on both and in her words, "your kids are both full of poop". Once we fixed the constipation issue [enemas, Miralax for a year!], neither had a problem pooping on the toilet. DS was pooping at nap/night in a diaper yet still extremely constipated so what comes out the other end is not always an indication of constipation.

Best of luck!

 

Some kids (I have heard especially boys) are afraid to poop on the potty - it is not a bad behavior it is a real fear. have you tried a potty chair instead of the big potty?

My ds#2 was hard to train. I finally without saying any thing negative to him made him clean his own underwear after he pooped in them. I would make him clean them out in the toilet and that is what finally worked. If he peed, he cleaned the floor and then rinsed his underwear.

 

Lots and lots of hugs to you. I haven't tried PT yet, partly because I know I can't trust myself to remain calm and positive when my boys are peeing all over the place.
One poo hint I read on the Supernanny website was to put the diaper on the potty and see if that make him more comfortable about pooing on the potty. Her reasoning was interesting and it made sense to me. Here is the link
http://www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Your-toddler/-/Development-and-learning/Potty-training-problems-solved.aspx

 

An aversion to pooping on the potty is not unusual, especially for boys. My oldest DS did not feel comfortable with pooping on the toilet until he was 1 month away from turning 4. We went through a 2 or 3 week period where we really encouraged it and talked about it and told him how big boys did that and you know what he did? Started holding his poop, which constipated him, gave him a stomachache, and ended up needing to go on Miralax for week to clean him out from all of the "held back" poop b/c he was scared to go and felt too much pressure to go. Honestly, I would reward him for the pee and drop the poop issue. If he needs to poop in a pull-up or diaper, so be it. He'll get it eventually - without so much stress for either one of you. :hug:

 

That's a great idea about putting the diaper in the potty! Going to have to try that one! We've done better/worse the past few days- ever since the incident in the OP, he has not peed anywhere other than the potty. He's kept his pull up dry for days now. I've been keeping him in pullups b/c he refuses to poop in the potty, and it seems he's even started not wanting to poop in a pullup. He went Wed evening, and was EXTREMELY constipated- (I don't know how he got that out his little bum!) and then he did not go again until tonight. I have told him that even if he's going to poop in a pullup or diaper, he needs to do so in the bathroom, hoping to associate where the right place is to go. So he went in the bathroom, wearing a pullup, but wouldn't even go in that tonight- he asked for a diaper. I've been giving him prune juice with every meal since Wednesday, and he was still extremely constipated tonight. So I'm wondering if I need to take him to the ped to see if there's a better way to soften his poop?? I don't think there's any way I'll be able to get him to go on the potty when he's constipated like that! So I'm still nervous to let him back in his underpants.... but I have been really proud that he's kept his pullup so clean and dry!

 

If you're thinking he's very constipated, it would probably be a good idea to take him to his doctor. They can suggest something else that might work - I know when my guys get constipated their doctor has them take Miralax, which really does help.

Good luck!!

 

I'd take him to the doctor to treat the constipation. The longer it goes on, the more firmly cemented in his mind going poop and being in pain will be. And that will seriously derail the PT process.

I'm dealing with the same thing with my DD. She PT'd in December/January, but never really would poop in the potty. She started holding it for her pullup during naptime. I didn't sweat it, but then she started holding in her poop for days at a time. I think it was May when we finally had to go to the doctor. She's still on daily Miralax (stool softener) and still not pooping on the potty. It's very obvious she is holding it in too. I'm actually going to ask for a referral to a pediatric GI specialist when we go for her 3 yo checkup.