I have a PINCHER and a SLAPPER

Hi! This is my first topic post, but not my first issue... you gals pretty much cover everything I've had questions about!!

Ok, so my 14-month olds are violent and getting worse.

DS is the pincher... he will just look right at me and find a nice spot of skin on my chest or arms and pinch (oooh, those tiny fingers hurt). I swear he looks right at me for my reaction as if he was trying to purposely hurt me. He doesn't laugh or seem to get enjoyment from doing this. My reaction is consistent: I grab his hand(s) and say "no pinching--OUCH--that hurts momma." And his reaction is consistent: He scowls, makes a little grunt, and gets sad... sometimes cries as if I have hurt his feelings. It usually only happens once, but it is an everyday occurrence.

DD is the slapper... when she is not happy with me, the hands start flying--chest, face, head, etc! She also attackes her brother. My reaction is consistent: I grab her hands and say "no slapping--OUCH--that hurts momma." Her reaction is usually a big pout lip and sadness. But she'll do it again harder, many times during the day. I'll set her down on the floor or redirect her away from me and then walk away. This girl is full of sass and 'tude and she is more domineering of the two... she is a spitting image of her mother and I am scared for the teen years

Our home is calm, no violence, no tv (other than the occasional "Wonder Pets" or "Classical Baby"), and is full of affection and laughter. They are not even exposed to other toddlers on a regular basis to get ideas from. Both understand "no" when I apply it to other scenarios, and they have boundaries, so they are not left to run wild all day. I've learned a lot from watching "Super Nanny" so I'm not a push over. My little ones are so sweet and adorable, but this daily outbreak of violence is a pain.

If you can recommend any books or age appropriate disciplinary changes, or even commiserate, I would appreciate it!

 

hmmm. it's such a tough age. My girls are throwers, they'll take a peek-a-boo block, hold it over their head, and then throw it right at your face (or what ever is in front of them).

Since you've tried the "no pinching/hitting" approach, have you considered trying the re-direct and ignore approach. Where, when you can see that a pinch or a hit is coming you would re-direct the hand/arm to something else or to their side, when a pinch or hit did happen you would ignore the action AND the child. It's a behavior techinque I know they use in pre-schools to modify bad behavior. They also do a praise the other child thing.

so it might look like this... you are playing with the babies on the floor and DS pinches you, you would not react at all except to turn away from him and praise DD by saying something like "oh, DD, you are playing so nice and not pinching mommy." then shower DD with affection (which she'll shirly love anyway) and allow DS to rejoin the play with you in a moments time. the goal being the child learns that the pinch/hit will NOT get them a reaction and is NOT worth doing.

or you could just hope they'll grow out of it G.L.

 

Redirecting and ignoring is a great idea.

If that doesn't work or is too trying to implement, you can also do a time out. At that age, we did 10-second time-outs (with minimal emotion for the same reasons as you would in the redirect/ignore scenario), supervised by an adult. It was effective for distracting and helping them to return to the situation with a new and improved, non-aggressive perspective.

 

We were shocked when our two first started the hitting/biting/etc. - our first son NEVER did any of that. I wonder if some of it has to do with there being two toddlers at the same time. The lack of patience, the anger, the frustration - those are all very typical emotions for toddlers - and since they don't have very effective ways of communicating yet, they act out in other ways to get our attention and let us know how they are feeling. It is frustrating for EVERYONE!!

We use a lot of redirection, we've recently started using time-outs too. If one of them hits us - we put them down if we were holding them, get up and walk away if we were sitting by them, etc. as well as tell them, "No hitting". If they hit one of their brothers - we try to do the same.

This can be a really difficult age when there is just 1 child - add a 2nd child into the picture - and WOW! Some days we feel like we are going craaaaazy! :lol:

Hang in there, you definitely are not alone. :hug:

 

Jori is right, you are definitely not alone. When mine hit past 12 months was when the hitting and pinching started (now replaced by throwing objects and some sort of wrestling)...we did a lot of redirection and a lot of "ouch that hurts Mommy/Daddy/etc." and small time outs. I don't think they did it on purpose to hurt, it's like it's something new they can do and they want to try it out. Same thing with the throwing, when DS throws something at one of us and we give him a time out, he literally looks like he does not know what he did wrong.

 

Thank you ladies for you recommendations and input!! I really needed that, because honestly I felt a little drained after last week. You are so right--I need to switch up the reaction and possibly add time outs. I wasn't sure that time outs were effective at this age, so it is good to know that others have started around this age.