I hate myself

I do hate myself at the moment, I've a babysitter, she's here from 9am till 9pm, I dont work but I study for my masters, (I dont study that much though), the thing is that I depend on that girl so much, I breastfeed my boys and give them formula, I sometimes leave my boys with the girl and go to sleep as I sleep so late in the night so when she comes in the morning I just breastfeed the boys and give them to her to change & bottle feed them. She doesn't give them anything without my approval & permission. I tell her how much & when, but I feel that I'm a bad mom. I dont want my sons to depend on anyone but me, or that anyone else can replace me. But I really get soooooooooo tired of doing everything, in her day off, I go insane at the end of the day. They are so demanding & I've to be around ALL the time, I get really tired and she helps me alot.

But, sometimes she doesn't do as I tell her and I realize that she missed a feed cos they were asleep and she didn't want to wake them up, I feel I'm guilty & it's all my fault

After reading that topic about the feeding scheduel at 6 months, I realised that you give your babies much more than I give mine. I thought I give them enough calories for their weight (that's how I calculate it) I'm talking about formula (I dont count my milk) in addition that the boys wouldn't take that much amount I found most of mothers over here give to their twins. However, I still feel guilty, u know a mother wants always to feel she's doing the best for her children.

It's 4:30 in the morning, I feel I'm not making any sense, am I?!

Please let me know if I should fire the baby sitter.

Menna

 

QUOTE(Dr. Menna @ Sep 23 2007, 10:30 PM) [snapback]420348[/snapback]
Please let me know if I should fire the baby sitter.


Don't fire the babysitter! There's nothing wrong with getting help. You're a wonderful mother for making sure your babies are taken care of, even if it is not by you for every second of the day. I completely understand the guilt you're feeling because as I write this, i'm planning out the interviews I am starting to hold for a nanny position tomorrow. That's right, i've done it alone for 6 months and i am exhausted, frustrated, and depressed. I have finally allowed myself to consider the possiblity of a nanny after dealing with much guilt. Having twins is difficult - we shouldn't feel guilty for getting help.

hugs to you!
arda

 

Menna, I think there is nothing wrong with having the help of a babysitter. Are you unhappy with her performance? Are the boys unhappy? It seems like she is doing a good job and its ok to not me on schedule ALL the time.

I know it is hard not to beat yourself up over not being there all the time. I have felt that way (and still do) because of career, jobs, and education that I have been doing during this time and with my oldest. But I know I am doing what is necessary for my family and for me. :hug99: I hope you can get some rest and feel better in the morning.

 

QUOTE(ADC17 @ Sep 24 2007, 02:44 AM) [snapback]420366[/snapback]
That's right, i've done it alone for 6 months and i am exhausted, frustrated, and depressed.
arda

That's exactly what I'm talking bout, I'm almost depressed, I sometimes when I'm alone with the twins, cry out loud and ask them for mercy

 

Don't let the babysitter go!! I've told several people that if there was one thing I'd change about having twins it's that I would have found a way to hire help from the beginning. I did it all myself (with the exception of help from my mother once a month for a week). I was exhausted and frustrated. It's SUCH a hard job raising two infants, with or without help. I just recently hired a babysitter two days a week. I don't really work, except for a little bit of contract work here and there, so I know what you mean about feeling guilty that you're not taking care of your babies by yourself. Sometimes it seems like the more help you have, the more you need. But it's really not the case. In my opinion, if you can afford the help it is absolutely worth it!

Regarding the formula. I breastfed and supplemented on and off with formula. I never fed my boys anywhere near what other moms who exclusively formula fed were feeding. I have skinny boys (genetically) and I always worried about this, but in retrospect I shouldn't have. When you're bf, the babies get what they need from you. As long as they're gaining weight, having diapers, and aren't lethargic then they are getting plenty of calories.

Hang in there mom, it really does get easier .

 

I wish i had a babysitter!!! My life would be so much easier!!!

 

Don't do this to yourself; you are doing a fine job!! :hug99:

Raising twins is very hard, and nearly impossible by yourself! I know there are moms on here who do it all, and I commend you. But if you have help, take it!

Don't fire the sitter. And I wouldn't worry about letting them sleep through a feed. I would NEVER wake mine up to eat --- those moments of peace while they sleep are so precious.

:hug99: and don't worry, you're a great mom.

 

Please don't beat yourself up. Going to school and having babies is SO tough! I have friends who did it with one and by the end of the day, they can barely stand up. You've got TWO! We all make decisions based on what we think is best for our family. It's obvious to me that your love your children very, very much. If you didn't, you wouldn't be questioning yourself or the situation and you certainly wouldn't be feeling guilty about it. (I hope that makes sense)

Breathe. Your little ones are just fine and you're all going to survive this first year just fine. :hug99:

 

Thank you all, not just for replying but for understanding what i'm talking about, and how I feel.

I just feel jealous when one of the boys smiles to the babysitter, I'd love to feed them every single spoon by my own hands, but I really can't, I'm sure u know what I'm talking about. I dont have anyone helping from my family, and my husband is working all the time and he can't manage with the boys anymore, it's not just a bottel now.

I'll try to live with the guilt and will do whatever I can to be always around.

Love you all :love0028:

Menna

 

QUOTE(AshleyLD @ Sep 23 2007, 11:32 PM) [snapback]420443[/snapback]
I wish i had a babysitter!!! My life would be so much easier!!!


DITTO !!!!!!!!!!!

your boys know who mommy is! they may smile and want to be held by her at times, but that is only a sign that they love her and you would not want a sitter that they didn't feel that way about! any other reaction by them towards her would be alarming - so don't beat yourself up! having help is a GREAT thing!!
you are a great mom!

 

Big hugs Menna :hug99:

You are a great mom- Taking care of two little ones is a lot of work. Its so great that you have the help. You should definitely keep your sitter.

-Leighann

 

Oh, Menna, it's ok! :hug99: There is so much pressure for mothers to do ALL the baby work themselves, but that's just unfair and unrealistic. Nobody can do any job 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. You need breaks, you need sleep. And your babies need a mom who is happy, rested, and has some kind of life of her own beyond just being a mother. Think of it this way - what would you have to offer them if you didn't have anything else in my life? I would hate it if my husband's only interest in life were me - it would be so boring! I love it that he can share his love of music, art, reading, hiking, etc with me and bring more things to the table.

So please don't beat yourself up! It sounds like the babies are in great hands, both with you and with the sitter. It's even a good thing for them that they have more than one person in their life to enjoy spending time with, since everyone has something different to offer. My mom helps me a lot with my twins, and my DH is a very involved daddy, and all of us have our own "style" of playing with the babies. They get something unique from everyone. That can only enrich their lives.

About feedings - since you're breastfeeding in addition to giving bottles, it is perfectly normal for them not to take as much by bottle than babies who only bottle-feed. Overfeeding them wouldn't be healthy. As long as they eat as much as they want when they're hungry, you're fine! Don't worry about following someone else's schedule. Your babies will let you know what they need, whether it's food or sleep.

You're doing great! Please be kind to yourself.

 

I just wanted to commend you on being organized enough to arrange help! Your babies will benefit from having extra pairs of hands to care for them. Before my babies were born I was totally unrealistic about what caring for them would mean. I was SHOCKED to discover it was literally a 24-hour-a-day job. My friend just had twin girls and I told her about all of my mistakes (not hiring help, worrying about silly little things, etc.) and she has followed my advice. She had a night nurse/doula several nights a week for the first month or so, she has hired a nanny to help her at least 3 days a week, she insisted her husband take 7 weeks off work, she asked for and accepted help from her mother, father, sisters, and friends (I know some of these things are luxuries but she can afford it). I went to their place on Saturday for a couple of hours to help her husband with the babies while she went to run errands. All I can say is that there house is WAY MORE CALM then mine was when my babies were the same age (about 5 weeks) and I know it's because she has asked for and accepted all of the help she can get.

As for the feedings, if your babies are happy, healthy and satisfied who cares how much other people are feeding their babies?

 

Hi Menna,

It is sooooo hard having a nanny, I know, I have one. But, I think it is sooooooooooo much harder to not have one. I work from home and have a nanny with us four days a week from 9am to 3pm. I still fight the nanny for the kids attention and get totally totally totally jealous when they do something new for her or smile or laugh at her. I even try to do the same thing after she leaves sometimes and I never get the response she gets. My babies are 4 months now and we have had the nanny for 2 months. I actually complain to DH that the kids like the nanny too much and I wish I could be a SAHM and not have to have the nanny. And then, I might go run an errand by myself, or take a walk on the beach, or even just take a nice long shower or type an email with two free hands and I realize that the nanny is worth every penny.
I guess it is good for my babies to be receptive to someone else and to have someone to look forward to being with that is not their mother or father, KWIM? I am slowly working on moving my computer upstairs so that I don't try to beat my nanny to the babies when they need something or are even just sitting there. I will say; however, that for the time being, I do still sit here and work in the kitchen instead of up in my office for the same reason you are mentioning ---- I am honestly guilty about having her here AND afraid they will like her better than me.

That being said, this is completely ridiculous to even think and of course they love me and of course it is wonderful that they love their nanny and she takes good care of them.
I don't mean to ramble, I am merely saying DO NOT fire the nanny and, more importantly, DO NOT feel badly about yourself as a mother, or a person.

Also, the nanny will make mistakes and will not do everything the way you would. I about had a heart attack when I found out my nanny was using PACKED scoopfulls of my DS's formula instead of UNpacked scoopfulls. I figure as long as noone gets hurt at the the end of the day then it was a success...even if she messes up a bit here and there. Sometimes, I will admit, I find myself wanting to "catch" my nannny doing something wrong just so I have a reason to get rid of her and keep the kids to myself but I just laugh at myself because I know that is not what is best for me or my babies!

Be good to yourself Menna. My grandma told me to take care of myself and the babies will follow naturally!

Amy