I get Daddy! No, I get Daddy!

Ok, I know you might say, hey, at least they want their Daddy and are happy to go to him. But it's really hurting me and affecting how I feel about the kids.

This all started when DS was one or so. Due to the order of nursing, he was the stronger nurser, so I nursed him second, and he fell asleep each night in his Dad's arms waiting for me. Since then he has had a marked preference for his father, and often strained to be away from me or cried if I picked him up when his Dad was in the room. This often had me in tears.

Now, at 2.5 plus, they are both into this competition, and have arguments over who gets Daddy. Starts in the morning. I'll go in to get them up, smile on my face and a kiss for them, and they start with "I want Daddy." And won't come to me, and won't say anything else to me but "I get Daddy." Then when they are getting into the car, DH takes them to daycare, it starts all over again. After their bath in the evenings, another argument starts, "I get Daddy." "No, I get Daddy." And the crying starts for the loser. We've tried to instill that we take turns each night, and sometimes they get Mommy, but the concern is always that they'll get Daddy tomorrow night. Then when I'm kissing them good night, I say "Goodnight", they say, "I get Daddy", I say "I love you", they say "I get Daddy". I say "sweet dreams", they say, "I get Daddy". Once we've left the room, they argue between themselves over who will get Daddy next.

I spend the most time with the kids during the week. I'm with them in the mornings while they eat and dress, and I'm with them in the evenings after daycare for dinner and playtime. So I guess I'm the primary disciplinarian. But it hurts. DH has tried to tell them the correct response when I say "I Love You", but they just want to make sure they get Daddy next time.

The kids are in that twos stage, and I know it's not going to get much better for a while. I'm frustrated with the time I spend with them as it is, short spurts b/c I have to work, and it's always a power struggle. And on top of that, I'm dealing with a strong preference for their father which just hurts when it's repeated so many times a day to me. I appreciate that they love their father and want to be with him, but this is over the top. I just don't even want to deal with them when they are arguing about this and won't come to me, and aren't happy with me.

Suggestions? What can we do to strive for a happy medium? I don't want to change how they feel about their Dad, but I do want them to want their Mom some too. I'm not an ogre, they aren't getting beaten, I'm not depriving them of fun and games or time with their father. They do get treats, and time to play with their new toys, and help with dinner and options to make decision on their own. What am I doing wrong? (I know, hard to answer without being there.)

Help!

 

This is a battle at our home too...but only with my daughter...my son was never like that.

 

You aren't doing anything wrong. My girls have gone through phases of having a preference. In our case it's been Jade-Daddy and Melissa-Mommy for most of the time, but lately they both want me. And believe me, that's frustrating too! Just continue to love them and don't let them get to you. They are probably playing you. Daddy probably gets all that because he's more aloof or more unattainable.

 

and honestly, at that age... I don't think they fully understand. I know that mine don't. You mentioned that you are the one with them all day. I think that for them "daddy" is the fun, elusive one, but you are always there for them. IYKWIM?

Mine just cry for Spongebob. :blink:

 

:hug99: Did you say they were both boys? I guess that doesn't make a difference in your feelings, but it could explain the attachment.
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt; I'm sure it's a phase and will pass.

 

No, one of each, boy and girl. For a while, she did have a preference for me, and I strove to make it OK for her to like Daddy. Now, it' s just a competition between DD and DS to see who can "win" and Daddy is the middle man. Unfortunately, they take it further into "I don't want Mommy."

I hope it's a phase, and I hope it's over soon. I'm really tired of it, and on top of the other terrible twos misery, this is just the firecracker on my cake. Gets me down everytime.

Thanks for the responses. Open for any other suggestions on a proactive approach to finding a middle ground.

 

It's partly that they see less of Daddy. So he's a novelty.

I know this because my girls see DS2 a LOT more than DS1, and so whenever he's around it's a big competition to hang out with him and sit with him, etc. They'll totally spurn DS2, which hurts his feelings, even though he's mostly their best buddy.

I don't know how to fix it in your case, other than waiting it out, because it will swing the other way sooner or later.

 

The minute DH gets in from work, its all about him. They go crazy over him... and don't want me. Which is fine, I've had them all day

 

Mine do this but I am the one that they want. DH is a SAHD so he is with them all day while I work. Whenever I am home, they are both fighting for my attention and fighting over who I will hold, play with, etc. I have been sick, so DH took the night shift last night and got up throughout the night with them. (Elizabeth has a stuffy nose, so she woke up frequently.) At about 5:30 this morning, Grace opened the door to her room and screamed "Mommy!!" then closed the door when Daddy came in. I had to come to the door and convince her that I was there so she could open it. Then, they both fought over who could sit in my lap. It was a nightmare because they both get in my lap and push, kick, hit, and bite each other trying to get the other one away from me.

Just wanted to let you know that your kids are not the only ones that do this. Mine are in the 2s also so I understand your frustration. DH takes it much better than I think I would if I were in the same situation. He is happy to take a break from the girls when I am home. I am sorry that it is upsetting to you. The only thing I can say is that it is probably just a phase and will pass.

 

Gosh your post brought back memories. About the time my kids were 2 as well they did this dance with me too. I would be in tears every night for about a month or maybe more. I'm a SAHM and I'm the primary disciplinarian as well. So when daddy would come home they would run to the " fun" one and want nothing to do with me. It broke my heart. Here I am doing all the work, taking them to the park, playing with them, feeding them, etc. and they wanted nothing to do with me when he was around. I cannot tell you why it changed but one day it did. They got tired of competing for daddy and things went back to normal. In fact it switched and has stayed that way ever since. Don't worry, I'm sure it is just a phase and they will grow out of it too. Just keep doing what you are doing. OH, and here is hug to you :hug99:

 

Just wanted to send some hugs. The whole time I read your post, I just kept saying, "That stinks". But that's sooooo kids, isn't it? I see my SIL going through that now. Maybe you could also have your DH say (when they say I want daddy) to say, "Well, I want mommy!" and give you a big hug which in turn can become a great big family group hug. Rather than leaving you on the sidelines. Maybe it won't start off the "I want mommys", but your DH is making sure that you're noticed -- and kissed and hugged and loved -- too. We all want to be wanted! Rejection stinks even if it's from babies.

Oh, and I was just thinking....ya' know when they'll want their mommy...WHEN THEY'RE IN TROUBLE! Like after getting caught pulling silly teenager pranks or boyfriend/girlfriend problems or when they didn't make the team. That's when they'll "want mommy". And really, that's when you know they just love you on a different level. I tell my dh all the time..."you're their b**ch" haha.... he's a big ol' toy to them....

 

I haven't been fully through this phase yet. Now and then one of my girls will reject me for their dad and even that hurts so I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must be when BOTH of your kids are doing that constantly. I would imagine it's a phase (as is everything with these kids) but that doesn't help now. Just try to remember that they are not doing it intentionally to hurt you although it is so hard to not feel like they are. They love you and KNOW that you will always be there for them to make sure all their needs are met. Sometimes I feel like they prefer dh because he is not around as often and so when he is with them, he spoils them and does things that I normally wouldn't (give them snacks at odd times or let them walk around with their toothbrush, which I NEVER do) so I come off as the bad guy or the disciplinarian at times which sucks. I don't really know what to say or suggest to help other than to just acknowledge their feelings and support them and say things like "I know you love your daddy, but he can only help one at a time. Mommy loves you too and I need to help daddy." or something like that. I would probably very childishly pretend to be sad and say "Doesn't anyone love Mommy? I need love too." I hope it passes soon and you can find a balance. GL

 

I don't know if this helps or not but my guys are going through a mommy-only phase. They see me all day every day so I'm not the novelty parent AND I'm the primary disciplinarian AND opposite gender parent. None of that matters. Their phase seems quite random and while they mean no harm, it is clear that DH feels the sting and blames me. It isn't any fun being the preferred parent of the moment either.

It's all temporary and I'm not sure there is much of anything you can do to make them balance their affections. Try your best to see it for what it is and love them anyway.

 

Thanks for all the responses. I hope it is just a phase. I don't blame DH in the least, and he does sometimes try to lead them into a more PC response. I have tried sitting there looking deliberately sad and asking can't somebody love Mommy too? But they aren't really concerned with my feelings, unless I'm really crying. I have to pull out the crocodile tears to get sympathy from them, and I'm no actress, doesn't come on cue!

In any case, we'll keep trying to make it a little more even around here. DH and I had our 5th anniversary on Saturday and my parents came to watch the kids for a night so we could go stay in a hotel and sleep in. My first night away from the kids since birth. It was really nice, tho the first few hours I didn't know what to do with myself, I kept waiting for the next thing to do. Hard to get off the "what's next" train of kids. When we got home, they were happy to see us both, and I've only heard "I get Daddy" a few times since then, tho I'm sure it will start up again now that the g-parents are gone and things are back to the status quo. Thanks again.