I feel like its all me right now :(

My husband is on this HUGE project at work. Its crazy! The day the twins were born was literally the kick off for this project. Unfortunately he is a key person in this project. Sept 1st is go live for what he is working on, and so now for the next month he is working SUPER late. And on top of it has no idea when he will be home. Could be 9 could be midnight. CRAZY. So I have to do it all. I am starting to feel irritable and angry about the whole thing. I am ready to go crazy by the end of the week. I just need to vent and get some advice from any other mothers who are in similar situations. On top of it I feel resentful because my DH is the one who REALLY wanted more children while I was totally happy with my older DD. Now we have double and he isn't even here!!! WTH??? :angry:

 

While my situation is not totally similar, my DH travels for his job and works from home when he is not travelling. I do alot by myself and it can be hard some days. When the boys were small I would try and find a neighbor that could come in and help me with the evenings. Is there anyone that you can call on a couple of times a week for a couple of hours? How about a teenager for a Mothers helper?

I am sorry you are so stressed. I hope his work settles down once the project goes live. :hug99:

 

Instead of being resentful that he is going to be working late til September 1st. Be grateful that the project is ending September 1st.
Be grateful he is providing financial help, of any kind. Be grateful that in less than a month he will be done and most likely home more often.

The only way to get over a resentment is to find your part in it. You can't change him or the current situation. All you can change is how you look at it, react to it and deal with it. Being frustrated and resentful is only going to hurt you. And possibly even make you more irritable with your little ones. (speaking from personal experience).

3 1/2 weeks is really nothing in the scheme of life...

 

QUOTE(vivalalexa @ Aug 5 2008, 04:33 PM) [snapback]915306[/snapback]
Instead of being resentful that he is going to be working late til September 1st. Be grateful that the project is ending September 1st.
Be grateful he is providing financial help, of any kind. Be grateful that in less than a month he will be done and most likely home more often.

The only way to get over a resentment is to find your part in it. You can't change him or the current situation. All you can change is how you look at it, react to it and deal with it. Being frustrated and resentful is only going to hurt you. And possibly even make you more irritable with your little ones. (speaking from personal experience).

3 1/2 weeks is really nothing in the scheme of life...


Well, I understand what you are saying. This has been hard from the beginning. I am just upset because now it is even harder. yeah, I should and could change my outlook on things, but if I am to be totally transparent and genuine, I have a hard time even being a mother at all. There are reasons for this I won't go into now, but its a hard struggle. Many other mothers seem to be so good at it, and it seems to come so naturally for them. It doesn't for me. So I am angry that when I didn't want this in the first place I am stuck now in a place I really struggle to be. Its uncomfortable in this space. Sometimes I don't know how to be here and how to deal with it. If this sounds awful I am sorry. I know it does, and I feel bad that I feel this way and that I struggle. I love my kids but I feel stripped of who I am. I feel torn from myself and pulled apart to give to them something I don't even always have to give. My husband is wonderful, but we have had some rocky roads. There is a lot of past between us. I still fight to let go of all of that. Some days I just want to run away from it all. And all that is going on now just makes it feel worse.

 

My DH is a huge help when he's home, but he has a major project right now as well, and he often has tele-meetings in the eve so even when he does get home by 6:30, he can only help out for an hour or so. He also is starting to have to take longer trips (1 week+) to asia for his job.

Anyway, while he's not gone as much as your DH, I can sympathize. I would just try to utilize him when he is there and be understanding.

I'm going to have to travel a little for my job soon (just 1-2 day trips at a time), but when I go, DH will just have his parents come over. He always tells me when I complain about how much time he's gone that I can have his parents come over, but it's not the same as having my own family around (we don't live by my family). So he has it easier IMO if I have to leave--plus it will just bug me that he won't even try to do it on his own so he can know what it's like!

Good luck, and remember september is only a month away now!

 

My Dh only works 9 hours a day and I still find myself getting resentful. So I can imagine how you feel. I find that communication is the key. I talk to him and let him know exactly how I feel, no matter how ridiculous it is. I also find writing my thoughts down helps....it just helps to get it out and not keep it bottled up.
Good luck, I'll be thinking about you. Hopefully when they go live, they will not run into major problems, then you'll be able to spend more time together as a family.

 

Hi there, I'm located really close to you (West Bloomfield). Anyways, my DH doesn't really work crazy hours so I don't have real good advice, other than could you look into getting some temporary, part time help so you could get a break? I know if I were in your situation I would so need that!

 

Hang in there. I too feel resentful sometimes because I feel like it's "ALL ME!" Some days are better than others. This too shall pass. Hugs to you in the meantime.

 

For the last yr or so (since around 2005/2006) my dh has worked 5 dys a wk from before we got up in the mornings till around 10/midnight. Its rare for him to get off early. If he does its because I have an appt or we are leaving for a wknd.
I am a single mom M-F 5 dys a wk. I have gotten used to it. When we talk about more kids, I make sure I am ready to take care of them on my own and he makes sure he is ready to work to support us all. lol!

 

QUOTE(chocomilko @ Aug 5 2008, 05:00 PM) [snapback]915364[/snapback]
Well, I understand what you are saying. This has been hard from the beginning. I am just upset because now it is even harder. yeah, I should and could change my outlook on things, but if I am to be totally transparent and genuine, I have a hard time even being a mother at all. There are reasons for this I won't go into now, but its a hard struggle. Many other mothers seem to be so good at it, and it seems to come so naturally for them. It doesn't for me. So I am angry that when I didn't want this in the first place I am stuck now in a place I really struggle to be. Its uncomfortable in this space. Sometimes I don't know how to be here and how to deal with it. If this sounds awful I am sorry. I know it does, and I feel bad that I feel this way and that I struggle. I love my kids but I feel stripped of who I am. I feel torn from myself and pulled apart to give to them something I don't even always have to give. My husband is wonderful, but we have had some rocky roads. There is a lot of past between us. I still fight to let go of all of that. Some days I just want to run away from it all. And all that is going on now just makes it feel worse.


I feel sooo much of what you shared. I before I met the children's dad I never wanted to be a mom. Things changed because I saw the two of us raising a family together. We are now divorced and I have been the only adult in the house for years. Nothing about motherhood comes naturally to me, nothing is really that pleasurable for me. I didn't bond like you read about and feel like I am just going through the motions. I don't know that I have any sound advice except that I just live in the moment, hour, day, week month and do what needs to be done. I know I need to for my children. Maybe do a count down calendar until the project is over? I am sure he is as anxious to be with the family as you are to have him with you, maybe you could commiserate until next month when things can return to 'normal'.

 

QUOTE(chocomilko @ Aug 5 2008, 01:00 PM) [snapback]915364[/snapback]
Well, I understand what you are saying. This has been hard from the beginning. I am just upset because now it is even harder. yeah, I should and could change my outlook on things, but if I am to be totally transparent and genuine, I have a hard time even being a mother at all. There are reasons for this I won't go into now, but its a hard struggle. Many other mothers seem to be so good at it, and it seems to come so naturally for them. It doesn't for me. So I am angry that when I didn't want this in the first place I am stuck now in a place I really struggle to be. Its uncomfortable in this space. Sometimes I don't know how to be here and how to deal with it. If this sounds awful I am sorry. I know it does, and I feel bad that I feel this way and that I struggle. I love my kids but I feel stripped of who I am. I feel torn from myself and pulled apart to give to them something I don't even always have to give. My husband is wonderful, but we have had some rocky roads. There is a lot of past between us. I still fight to let go of all of that. Some days I just want to run away from it all. And all that is going on now just makes it feel worse.



I understand you more than I think you know. I am 21- when I got pregnant on accident, my man was so happy that I kept the child in hopes that everything would be okay. Long story short, he died and now I'm single mother of not one but TWO babies. who gets absolutely no breaks. I don't even entertain the thought of running away because it is not an option for me.
It doesn't sound awful. We all miss what used to be. It's human nature. I have a feeling you are a good mother. And I have the same insecurities- I just don't say them out loud. the minute it comes to my head I push it out because my kids don't have the option of anything better. They only have me. At the end of the day he did not force you to have a child- you made that conscious decision and you need to just accept it and move on.
You'll come out of this rut. They are at a super hard age. And considering everyone is still alive and kicking- you're doing alright!

 

Hang in there, it will be over soon. I agree you should try to not be too resentful, nothing good can come of that. You are right though, it is hard to be alone with babies all day long. :hug99:

 

You could have it worse, but you know that- I can tell. I know how very blessed I am, and I am one of those women who loves motherhood more than anything. BUT, there are long stretches where I am on my own, and I need a break. It is exhausting, and I think a small amount of resentment is normal. When I am having a rough week I call a neighbor girl to come over. Usually I just clean while she hangs out with the three youngest. It does help. I really wish I could go to the mall, etc. Maybe next year!

 

Know that how you are feeling is totally valid. These weeks will pass (and there will be times again when you feel the same way again :icon_eek: ). Don't be too hard on yourself! 2 babies is hard and 2 babies alone is a real challenge. I'd try to get a little help so you can feel more connected to you. Good luck!

 

Ditto the trying to get help if you can. i know that a few weeks can seem like forever when you are alone with twins, so big hugs to you. You will get through it tho! I am like you, nothing about motherhood comes naturally to me, I often have to force a smile on my face in the morning and at other times during the day, somedays I wish for my old life back again, so I know how you feel. I know it is not healthy to spend too much time focusing on the past, so I try to find the positives of what is going on in my life, or I try to give myself small things to look forward to - oh yeah, and I count down the minutes and hours until either naptime or bedtime!
YOu are not alone : )

 

My husband travels for work, and is gone most of the week, but gets to be home on the weekends. I do everything for my three girls during the week, and try to get things done so we don't have as much work around the house on the weekend. It's hard, and sometimes I resent it, but I do what I have to do.

Your DH's project will end, and hopefully things will get better for you. :hug99: In the meantime, we are here for you. :hug99:

 

:hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: I understand totally how you are feeling. I get angry a lot b/c I feel I am doing this mostly on my own. Some nights he isn't home till after the babies are asleep and will get maybe 45 minutes with them in the morning. He doesn't get my stress at all.

Dianna

 

QUOTE(chocomilko @ Aug 5 2008, 05:00 PM) [snapback]915364[/snapback]
Well, I understand what you are saying. This has been hard from the beginning. I am just upset because now it is even harder. yeah, I should and could change my outlook on things, but if I am to be totally transparent and genuine, I have a hard time even being a mother at all. There are reasons for this I won't go into now, but its a hard struggle. Many other mothers seem to be so good at it, and it seems to come so naturally for them. It doesn't for me. So I am angry that when I didn't want this in the first place I am stuck now in a place I really struggle to be. Its uncomfortable in this space. Sometimes I don't know how to be here and how to deal with it. If this sounds awful I am sorry. I know it does, and I feel bad that I feel this way and that I struggle. I love my kids but I feel stripped of who I am. I feel torn from myself and pulled apart to give to them something I don't even always have to give. My husband is wonderful, but we have had some rocky roads. There is a lot of past between us. I still fight to let go of all of that. Some days I just want to run away from it all. And all that is going on now just makes it feel worse.



:hug99: I hope the project ends soon, and I am sorry you are feeling the way you are. I think we all wish we were the person we were BEFORE children. :hug99: I don't think being a mom has come naturally to me. I just do my best to get through every day, one day at a time. And resentment to my DH goes WAY back... there is a lot of water under the bridge there. But I do my best to go forward because its not good for me to dwell on it and obviously toxic to my relationship and the kids. :hug99: I am sorry you feel so alone. 6 months old twins is hard to swallow but eventually it will get easier.

 

I can realte. My DH leaves the house around 6:30 and gets home around 5:30. In the morning, he'll pop in for a minute to say hi to them. When he gets home, he spends maybe 30 minutes with them before bed. On the weekends, I still feel like I'm doing it all by myself. He'll say "I don't know when they eat" even though I've told him numerous times our schedule. And when they do it, he does not help. Tomorrow he is taking the day off of work and we are going out for the day. But today I will spend a part of the day getting everything ready for an entire day out.

My boys are starting to get very bored with their toys and it's making for a VERY long day. On top of that, they used to take a good 2-3 hour afternoon nap, well now it's maybe an hour. Trying to get any housework done is impossible (DH does not help with that either). And Jake is teething. :crazy:

There was an article awhile back that said the average father spends 6 1/2 hours a week with their children which is up greatly from previous decades. So I guess we should all be gratful for those 6 1/2 hours.

 

QUOTE(vivalalexa @ Aug 5 2008, 07:26 PM) [snapback]915604[/snapback]
I understand you more than I think you know. I am 21- when I got pregnant on accident, my man was so happy that I kept the child in hopes that everything would be okay. Long story short, he died and now I'm single mother of not one but TWO babies. who gets absolutely no breaks. I don't even entertain the thought of running away because it is not an option for me.
It doesn't sound awful. We all miss what used to be. It's human nature. I have a feeling you are a good mother. And I have the same insecurities- I just don't say them out loud. the minute it comes to my head I push it out because my kids don't have the option of anything better. They only have me. At the end of the day he did not force you to have a child- you made that conscious decision and you need to just accept it and move on.
You'll come out of this rut. They are at a super hard age. And considering everyone is still alive and kicking- you're doing alright!



I read your story sometime back. I can't imagine. I know I have many things to be thankful for. I know I have a lot of blessings. I wish that I could see that all the time. I just watched this movie called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It was about the French editor of Elle who had a massive stroke at the age of 43 and was completely paralyzed except for one eyelid. He wrote an entire book blinking his one eyelid at a dictator who would read the alphabet to him and he would blink his way through words. I was so inspired by him. He had this amazing sense of humor and outlook and yet he was a vegetable in a bed with full mind capacity. I though hell, why would I EVER have any issues with my life when things could be so different and so much worse. What really sucks is that sometimes we can't grasp this and it takes some horrible thing to open our eyes to the nature of who we are. I have never been able to comprehend this about humanity myself included (at the top of the list actually)

 

QUOTE(chocomilko @ Aug 6 2008, 07:00 AM) [snapback]915364[/snapback]
Well, I understand what you are saying. This has been hard from the beginning. I am just upset because now it is even harder. yeah, I should and could change my outlook on things, but if I am to be totally transparent and genuine, I have a hard time even being a mother at all. There are reasons for this I won't go into now, but its a hard struggle. Many other mothers seem to be so good at it, and it seems to come so naturally for them. It doesn't for me. So I am angry that when I didn't want this in the first place I am stuck now in a place I really struggle to be. Its uncomfortable in this space. Sometimes I don't know how to be here and how to deal with it. If this sounds awful I am sorry. I know it does, and I feel bad that I feel this way and that I struggle. I love my kids but I feel stripped of who I am. I feel torn from myself and pulled apart to give to them something I don't even always have to give. My husband is wonderful, but we have had some rocky roads. There is a lot of past between us. I still fight to let go of all of that. Some days I just want to run away from it all. And all that is going on now just makes it feel worse.


You know chocomilko - it is all RELATIVE... you can't and shouldn't be comparing yourself to other people - b/c no two peoples situaiton is the same.... it is difficult for you at the moment b/c in comparing to what it used to be like... it is all relative and difficult.... Can i recommend a wonderful book... it is by Sarah Napthali and its title is Buddhism for Mothers. it isn't a book focuing on Buddhism - but it brings wonderful practices that you can try to get your head around by thinking along the lines of buddhists.... I really struggled when I first became a mum 6 years ago - and this book taught me to just LET GO of things... (which I really struggled with beforehand)... the book is honest and raw - written by a mum who shares all her ups and downs of being a mother... and just hearing someone else who had these problems using certain techniques was encouraging... My partner is now working away in Darwin (6 hour drive adn then a 5 hour flight away) from us.... and will be doing this for the next 2 years only coming home every 2 months or so for a weekend... I will be grabbing this book and using it as my bible....b/c I know that there will be lots of hard times, resentment, anger etc etc coming up.....

I hope things get better for you.... and for some people, motherhood is just a natural progression - for others, it is something that needs a big adjustment to.... :hug99: