I feel like I am not cut out for this

Most that go through IF are happy to find out that they are expecting twins. Two babies after all you go through. Well, except me. I broke down last night and this morning and told DH that I am not cut out for this.

I had only wanted one baby. I had a hard time excepting that I was having two. Still do to this day. I love them and could never chose one over the other. But I am so not happy.

Our anniversary is this week. Normally we would celebrate this weekend and Emily would go to his mom's for the weekend. We could do some Christmas shopping and just be us. We will be lucky if we do a thing this year. I just want a night alone with DH, but everyone treats our girls like they are a burden. We cannot be us anymore and I miss it terribly. I feel like we are just going through the motions of life and we are just both physically there. There is no us anymore. We miss each other so much. I am sooooo sad that we cannot be together for our anniversary. The balance is gone. We were so good about balancing out us time, family time, and alone time. Now it is purely taking care of the babies....nothing else. We don't have a lot of money so I really didn't want to spend it on dinner. We both just want to make a nice dinner at home and sit on the couch without being with children....it won't happen.

I love my girls but all I do is feed, change and try to get to sleep from the time I wake up til I go to bed with no break. I didn't even eat til dinner last night. I spend all day trying to get Claire to sleep for more than 15 minutes and Carlie to eat without thrashing herself. That is with two people here. There is always a bottle in our hand or we are rocking them. I cannot even spend time working with them. I should have them be laying on their bellies everyday so they can work on lifting their head and all that stuff, but I never do...and I did with Emily all the time. I am just not able to spend that type of time with them.

I am miserable in so many ways and I hate cause I wanted to complete my family and here it is. I need to find childcare b/c I am tired of my MIL watching them and telling me when she can watch them and when I can work....I told her today I need to work 5 days a week after T-Day...I cannot be going on her schedule. I just don't know where to look. That is added stress. Plus, I had gallbladder surgery a week ago and feel worse now than I did before. I am a mess and just want to run away.

Sorry it got so long. I just don't think I was cut out for this. I ask myself why I was given two at once (always wanted 3 kids) b/c I cannot handle it.

I just want my DH's hugs right now.

April

 

Really, really HUGE :hug99: I ABSOLUTELY know how you feel! I was in a similar situation, having a 5yo before the twins. In my situation though we waited to have another one until we were settled and ready and I was so excited for this planned pg and then BAM it was twins. The first year was tough on me and there were many days I thought exactly what you are saying. EXACTLY. I just didn't have the courage to say it.

It does get easier. It changes and there are always challenges, but it DOES get easier.

My best pieces of advice for you are to just hold on. Many days all I could do was concentrate on getting through the day and telling myself "I will get through this day" over and over again. Try to get them on a schedule as quickly as possible if you haven't already and get in the sunshine as much as possible. Fresh air and vitamin sun do wonders for me.

Vent on TS as much as you need to b/c we've ALL been there.

Many, many :hug99:

 

Things will get a little easier when they can hold their heads up and eventually hold their own bottles.

You sound like you might be a little depressed and need to talk to the doc. I don't know for sure, but it can't hurt to talk to them!!! :hug99:

You are in a really hard place right now! You'll manage it, just takes some adjusting. 3 mos. isn't enough time, hang in there!! :hug99: We are all here for you!!! I know these aren't your DH's hugs, but :hug99:

 

Oh, April! :hug99:

I totally was you a couple years ago! My first year was h-e-double-hockey-sticks for real! It's going to get better. And you will survive. Take care of yourself and I agree with Diane that you sound depressed. I totally hear you!!!!

 

:hug99: I so know how you feel! My boys are over 2 and I still have rough days. However, nothing is quite as hard as those first six months or so (more like a year for me!). Hang in there and take it one day, or one hour at a time. It will get better! Do you belong to a church or mothers group where maybe you can get some help or referrels for childcare?

-Kimberly

 

Aww, sweetie, :hug99: :hug99:

Of course you are down, you just had surgery right after having newborn twinfants! Your hormones are totally out of whack and you are adjusting to MAJOR life changes! And you're back to work on top of it.

I know just how you feel about "Huh, TWINS? But I only ordered ONE!" To this day sometimes I'm in shock. Please believe me it will get easier. You ARE cut out! You just need a day off with DH.

It will get easier!!! :hug99: We're here for you!

 

I can relate.......REALLY I can! There were MANY days I sat in the bathroom and cried and cried cause I just wanted this all to be over with. I truly felt like I was living in a nightmare and this was NOT what God had intended for me to do. I even felt this way during my pregnancy. (I cannot believe I am about to admit this) For a long time I did not want my babies, I just was not ready for all of this. I was MISERABLE for about the first 6-7 months. I even admitted to my doctor that I wanted to walk away from my life and never look back.

I can honestly say that I LOVE my life now. Life with my babies is the most rewarding thing in the world!! I see that your little ones are 3 months........HANG IN THERE! It gets better!! If you continue on feeling like this more and more, I would seek some help. I did have to go on an anti-depressant so I could cope with these feelings.

 

:hug99: :hug99: :hug99: Things are going to get better soon! :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:
My babies were unexpected completely and the first few months I often felt like I had made a huge mistake. DH and I were totally not ready for kids, so I thought. I felt all of those things you described but things have gotten a lot better. They start to get very entertainable (if that's a word) and they are occupied a lot easier. I can sit one in the swing and one in the jumperoo and go take a shower and get dressed, which helps a lot for me. They will lay on the floor and watch TV for a good hour if I let them. If I didn't remember to feed them they would go for 5 hours between feedings because they are so preoccupied. At that point I didn't have any energy to "play" or "work" with them. They were in their swings and bouncies all day. Now that they sleep better at night I have the energy to do more with them. I hated asking for help, but I had to get over that. You may feel like your babies are a burden but just ask for help anyway, the worste thing that can happen is they say no. Just ask for a babysitter so you and DH can get some much needed alone time. Give yourself some credit, your babies are 3 months old! You don't always have to FEEL like a good mom to BE a good mom. We are our own biggest critics, you are doing wonderful. We are all selfish beings in one way or another, but wanting time to yourself is not selfish, it is necessary! When I start feeling like this I just take a little time out and break it down. I just picture myself giving my children away so I can have my old life back, but the thought of not seeing their little faces again makes me want to puke. Things are not always going to be this way, but first things first try and get some time away I think it will really change your perspective. Hang in there sweetie.

 

:hug99: You've gotten a lot of wise words already. Mine are only 7mo now, but even in that extra months from where you are, it's easier. When they're so small and dependant, and not sleeping well, you're just surviving. Think of it that way, don't think of this as your new lifestyle- you're in survival mode, and life will come back to a "new" normal soon. I'm sorry about your anniversary- it really is hard to get that "us" back. HOnestly, we're still working on it. But I know it'll get there too- just like everything else, it simply takes twice as long as it does for those with one baby. Hang in there sweetie- you'll pull through, I promise! :hug99:

 

QUOTE
you're in survival mode


I too have to keep telling myself the above. Each day does get a smidge easier, but it is so slow in coming. It is 11am and I have done nothing but babies so far today. Nothing else, no shower, brushed teeth, nothing. IF my 11 yo didn't cook breakfast AND lunch, no one would have eaten. I hear you. Just know you aren't alone!

 

:hug99: It's hard and I COMPLETELY know how you feel. When our boys were new, I had a hard time adjusting to the new lifestyle and wanted to have a "normal" evening with my DH...to experience that life again.

We are just now getting back to normal - or what is our "new normal" and things are fabulous. We're actually going shopping on Saturday, we've been eating cooked meals again and the boys are sleeping through the night. Best of all, we're sleeping in the same bed again! This will happen for you, too...it just takes time. Hang in there!!!

 

April, I totally understand! There were days when they were newborn that I didn't sleep or eat for 24 hrs at a time. I would sit on the couch and cry. I had almost no help the first 8 months (we were living in MA then). The only help I had was DH's cousin who came Monday mornings for a few hours. I had zero time away from the babies, no date nights, no going shopping with the girls, none of that stuff.

I think when we go through IF, it makes us feel extra guilty if we experience any of the normal post-partum stuff. I mean, we went through so much to have these babies, we should super-duper happy, right? I also felt like nothing about having a baby went the way I wanted it. First, we had to go through IVF, who wants that? Then it was twins and I only wanted one. Then I was so sick and felt like crap my whole pregnancy. I had a c-section and a terrible, traumatizing birth experience instead of the crunchy, natural birth I wanted. I didn't see either baby (they didn't even show them to me when they came out) until several hours later. Ainsely almost died and I didn't see her for four days. I couldn't breastfeed and I had desperately wanted to, Bea was colicy, Ainsley had trouble feeding, you get the idea.

I would say the turning point for me was 5 months, when they started (mostly) sleeping through the night and I stopped sleeping in the nursery. I was finally getting some rest and they got more on a schedule. I am actually at the point now where I can't imagine what it's like having just one child. Yes, there are days that are tough, but really, I am having fun right now.

I didn't mean to make this "all about me", just wanted to share from someone who's BTDT. It does get better! Also, you do whatever you need to do to make things better. If you need to find alternate childcare, do it. I put them in preschool for two hours a day, twice a week, and even that little break is a huge help to me.

Take care! :hug99:

ETA: I can also relate to not feeling like a couple anymore with DH. I think the first few months, all of our communication was "maintenance", i.e. Did you pick up diapers? Who was fed last? Can you make formula? We also ate dinner in shifts in the beginning. You will get through it!

 

:hug99:

It's true, you're in survival mode right now. You're just getting by, trying to make it from day to day, putting out fires and trying to keep up. It's normal. DH's aunt has identical twin girls (they're 20 now) and she said the one thing she wished people would have told her is that she would make it through this. So, you're going to make it through this, okay?

I so understand how you feel. When we found out we were pregnant with the twins, I cried every day for months. We had just had a baby and I only wanted one. To find out there were two was devastating, and I feel horrible for even thinking that, but it's true. DH and I haven't slept in the same bed in months. We miss each other terribly and try to steal time together when we can, but it's rare. Our anniversary is Tuesday and I'm not sure if we'll get to go out or not.

If things don't get better soon, please (PLEASE!) go talk to your doctor about the possibility of depression. Please don't tell yourself that you can't do this. It's not true. Look how far you've come! Things are about to get so much easier once you hit four months. You're almost there! You're doing a great job, just hold on a little longer and you'll see that too.

Lots of hugs.

 

it stinks, i was spread between 4 like you.. three kids and dh.. well dh dropped off and the jelly (me) is alittle thicker..
it gets better.. just remember that your a team..

hugs
m

 

I am right where you are at. Some days I am lucky to get to go pee or eat a bit of lunch. My DH has been working long hours lately so I am lucky if he will hold them for a bit to get a shower or cook or clean up a bit. I also have two older boys age 5 and 7 and I feel so bad everyday b/c when they get home from school, I am always tired and ill and cant get away from the babies long enough to spend time with them and make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. I love to keep my house clean and right now it is a total disaster. I had a long hard pregnancy and NICU and now we are home and I feel like this whole year I have had no time to myself b/c of having the babies. I know it will get easier soon then I will look back and miss them being babies. I too am still shocked sometimes that there are two of them.

 

QUOTE(MrsBQ02 @ Nov 9 2007, 11:46 AM) [snapback]488530[/snapback]
don't think of this as your new lifestyle- you're in survival mode, and life will come back to a "new" normal soon.
This really is the best advice. I feel like I just came out of a jungle or somewhere where I was all alone and no one could hear me! Not even my husband. And now, although it's not simple and things have most certainly changed, I DO have time alone with DH.

Every Friday night now (since money is tight for us too) we rent a movie on cable and just be a couple. It's actually very romantic, especially with all that we've been through and survived. We had to do IVF also, colic-y baby, scheduling problems, not a lot of help, not a lot of money... but here we are. Now I get all worked up if these two sleep less than 8 hours! Just a few months ago, I would've given anything for a straight 4 hours.

RIght now for you, it just is what it is. I've said it before and I'll say it to all new moms I know, esp new moms of twins, just keep telling yourself when you're feeling like you can't take another minute, "Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there,....."

And talk to your doc too. I WISH I did in those early months. Great, big, UNDERSTANDING hugs to you....

 

I'm with you there too - mine are toddlers now and even still if they have a trying day I'll cry after they go to bed and tell DH "I didn't sign up for this"...

the first 3 months were the worst - mine had colic AND formula intolerance so they cried from 2 in the afternoon till bedtime every night - I was sooo happy when my maternity leave was up - I had 2.5 days a week that I didn't have to deal with them and my mom did! but....it gets better - as for tummy time - my DD was never a fan of it and she didn't suffer any ill effects -

ok gotta go - naptime just suddenly became over...I just wanted to give you :hug99:

 

:hug99: I said that SO many times I cannot even count. How did ANYONE think I could handle this?? There were days I DREADED getting up. Or I'd cry at night just thinking I had to do it all over again tomorrow. I would constantly ask "Who in the flip would EVER get pregnant after having twins??"" You WILL get through this. You and DH's relationship will survive this too. Matter of fact it will probably get stronger because of it. I don't have anywords of advice except to ask for help. Couldn't your MIL watch the babes for anniversary? I know $ is an issue, but there are ways around it. If you just want to be together, go somewhere cheap. Mcdonalds if you have to, just spend time ALONE and TOGETHER that evening. Neck in the car B) go somewhere for appetizers only and a glass of wine? I think anytime that the two of you spend together WITHOUT any one else will be a good break for you. Good Luck - you are NOT alone!! :hug99:

 

All I can say is that I felt exactly the same way you did for the first few months but then things started getting better. The babies started sleeping a little more, they started staying full a little longer, and I started to feel proud of even the smallest accomplishments (i.e. I took the babies out for a walk by myself today!). I also had to adjust my expectations of myself - I can't be everything to everyone. Sometimes somebody is going to have to cry so I can eat some toast. If I don't eat something I can't take care of anyone anyway! Five minutes of crying so mummy can take a shower never hurt anyone. I am sending you lots of luck and positive vibes - I think you should officially postpone your anniversary by 2 months because by the time your babies are 5 months old the fog will definitely have lifted. Personally, I think it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job.

 

ahhhh- I was JUST thinking this on my marathon walk around the neigbhorood to put two 10 month olds to sleep - AFTER 3 hours of inconsolable crying because they were tired but just didn't want to shut those little peepers....

And I too come from your backround - had to do IVF to get preggers. so I totally understand. I liked being pregnant, Even though I didn't get the birth I wanted and Breastfeeding just didn't work out for us (lack of support from anyone and my own embarrasment at feeding in public) I felt like I handled the first 6 months pretty well.

It's been the last 4 months that I've been going absolutely batty. In the early days, I could put them in the swing, in the bouncer or under their little kick n play toys and they'd be FINE. I got showered, fed, dressed..... Sure me and DH didn't sleep in the same bed until recently, we were getting up round the clock throughout the night.. but somehow it seemed easy.

Now their bouncer is a climbing toy and trampoline, they're to big for their swiing, and they realize when mommy and daddy leave the room (but don't realize we will be back shortly)) so they scream every time we leave them even for a short bathroom trip. No longer can I take a shower unless DH is home, it's hard to go anywhere with them alone becuase they are getting heavy, but can't walk yet so still have to be carried..... I'll go for hours, sometimes all day, before eating and dinner for us is ALWAYS after 8 p.m. which i was NEVER a fan of such late meals (kids always eat on time) Me and DH rarely talk at all anymore except about babies, and ya, we haven't been on a date since May, and that was ONE time that MIL watched the girls for us so we could get a hotel for the night and work out our issues (I had threatened to leave with the girls)

I TOTALLY feel for you, and you ARE NOT alone. Somehow we will all manage to get through this.

 

First of all, at 3 month, just getting through the day is an achievement!

My advise is, first of all, it is OK if they cry sometimes--I look at it as strengthening their lungs. Once I accepted that it is OK for them to cry, a great weight lifted off my shoulders and life got easier! Another thing is to establish a feeding schedule, that will make your life easier, and then they will fall into a regular routine. If you can get them to eat and sleep at regular intervals, it will be much easier for you and DH to find some time.

I know it sounds hokey, but, it will get better! Once you get them to sleep through--and mine did by 3 months, you will find that you can get a full nights sleep and the days won't be so overwhelming!

Good luck!

 

I only had the twins, but I felt the same way. I was never happy about having twins (the only benefit was that I only had to be pregnant once, because I hated it), and for the first 3 months of their lives, I wished I could turn the clock back. Yes, I loved them, and I could not consciously wish to give one (or both) away, but I wished someone had managed to talk me out of having children because it was obviously a huge mistake. And we did IVF and spent $15,000 to ruin our lives!

QUOTE
don't think of this as your new lifestyle- you're in survival mode, and life will come back to a "new" normal soon.

This is absolutely true! I felt that my life was ruined and it would never change -- but it does. No, it is not the same as it was before, but you will find things to enjoy and look forward to about this life.

There is also a grieving process, at least there was for me. I saw a therapist for awhile when my twins were tiny (after I went back to work and had some "me" time), and one of the best things she said was "It sounds like you just need to grieve the loss of the life you used to have." It's OK to feel sad about it. Just try to trust that you will incorporate this experience into your life and wind up with something you can be happy with. You may not even believe that until it happens (I sure didn't), but it happens all the same.

:hug99: :hug99: :hug99:

 

I can relate. It's very confusing and guilt inducing to regret that your life doesn't look like it did before. I feel that way. It's a totally seperate issue from loving the babies. It's loving the babies and not-so-loving the life..they are mutually exclusive in a way. I can't wrap my mind around how I am going to survive this. So, I can relate.

Power through momma.

 

April, I am crying sitting here reading this because I could have written that post. Our babies share a birthday, and you and I share our feelings. I was just saying to DH last night that sometimes I wish I had never gotten pregnant again. I miss the time and relationship that I had with my 2 other kids and DH, and they don't understand why I can't do things for them as much as I used to. Even though the babies are sleeping much better, it is still so hard. If you ever want to talk, please PM me, we can make it together!

 

Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I really think you should do like a previous post said and put things in perspective. At least I think this is what she meant. I know it's hard, but just please remember how and why these babies got here in the first place. This was not an "oops" situation. Something in you had to have desperately longed for a child and you were well aware of the increased chance of multiples...DON'T GET MAD AT ME YET . Therefore, deep down inside, you felt you were up for the challenge and could be a great mom to your children AND YOU ARE!!! I know you are because your children are here and breathing and I'm sure much happier than you think.

Don't doubt your abilities. I really think that has a lot to do with why people start to really miss their old lives. We're used to being at least somewhat certain that we were doing a good job in all other areas of our lives. For example, when I was teaching school, every time we tested the kiddos, I could get some idea as to how well I did my job for that grading period or school year. When they did well, it meant I did well and I could SEE it. With parenting, I don't have any standardized scoring system to tell me if I'm doing what I should or if I have it all wrong. It's very difficult not to just assume that you're wrong.

Try to hang in there and please talk to someone. I think you will feel much better knowing you took a proactive approach.

And as far as the DH relationship goes, in a month or so when your babies start STTN (make sure to put them to bed around 7), you'll have that time with him and after an hour or so, you really do forget you have children ! It's great that you still desire that intimacy with your husband. Hang in there and you're in my thoughts. :love0028:

 

I have no words of wisdom since I have never been in your shoes....

I just wanted to give you a really big :hug99:

Tiffaney