I feel like a bad Mom-to-be

So yesterday we went do the Dr. and found out that one of the babies is a Girl. The other one was not willing to cooperate... Since my Dr. thinks they are probably identical, I think its safe to assume its 2 girls. Anyways, I guess its my own fault because the whole time I have been pregnant I have had my heart set on having Boys. I am deathly afraid of having girls. My husband on the other hand is ecstatic, and he commented several times that he knew I was dissapointed. I feel bad for feeling this way, I know I should be excited...but Im really not.

Did anyone have an U/S around 18 weeks and were told it was a girl and it was really a boy? I have heard that the margin of error is much higher when you are told its a girl. We have our Level 2 U/S in 3 weeks, so I am hoping then to get a more definate answer, and maybe-just maybe we will get one of each!

I just want to be excited...

 

Don't mean to sound rude, but you are lucky to be having 2 healthy babies, no matter what their gender.. you should be excited anyway!!

 

I realize how lucky I am...that is why I am struggling with feeling this way!

 

I think that disappointed feeling will go away. I too was disappointed because I wanted one of each. Now I am excited that it is 2 boys. Don't think your a bad mom, my thoughts are that your are not since you think you are....KWIM? Who knows their could still be a boy in there!

 

I don't think you are a bad mother at all. Of course I am sure that you are estactic that you are pregnant with two healthy babies, but some people just feel more comfortable with one gender or the other, whether it be that they have more experience with that gender or whatever. When I was younger I always wanted boys and didn't really want daughters, but once I had my neices I realized how wonderful little girls can be too, so by the time I was pregnant with my first I really didn't care what it was. With the twins though - I was really hoping one of them would be a girl since I had a son and wanted to experience the other side of things. Of course I would have been happy if they were two boys too, which I know you are with your girls, but like you - I would have been a little dissapointed. I am fairly confident as your pregnancy goes on you will get excited about the idea of having little girls, once the shock of expecting one thing and getting another wears off. Go buy the most adorable little girl outfits you can find to help yourself get in the girl mood.

 

You're not a bad mom... You just had your heart set on one thing and got another. No biggie. I'm sure you will love them both!! Girls are great! Dont worry!!

QUOTE(jasonsmommy @ Jul 26 2007, 10:52 AM) [snapback]344981[/snapback]
Don't mean to sound rude, but you are lucky to be having 2 healthy babies, no matter what their gender.. you should be excited anyway!!


If you dont "mean" to sound rude, then dont.

 

Your feelings don't show that you are a bad mom but just Human. There are plenty of things that we are all lucky to have, but for some reason we are disappointed. I'm guessing those feelings you have will fade as your pregnancy progresses and you get used to the idea of two little girls! Good luck !

 

QUOTE(jasonsmommy @ Jul 26 2007, 12:52 PM) [snapback]344981[/snapback]
Don't mean to sound rude, but you are lucky to be having 2 healthy babies, no matter what their gender.. you should be excited anyway!!


Geez, how helpful. I'm guessing she already feels bad enough, since the title of her post says "I feel like a bad Mom-to-be."

Seriously, it's okay to feel the way you do. You build it up in your mind, you start thinking of names, and then WHAMO it's not what you expect. I think everyone can say they've been through it at least once, and I know it was especially difficult for me the first time. You're not alone, and it certainly doesn't make you a bad mom!

I will tell you (not to get your hopes up, though) that with DS2, they told us he was a girl until about 22 weeks. With these two (more boys :lol we thought one was a girl up until about 24 weeks. So, it's possible, but perhaps unlikely. You'll get used to the idea, I promise...and then you'll go broke buying dresses and bows and pink stuff!

Hugs! Don't beat yourself up, okay?

 

Please don't beat yourself up. You will love the babies, regardless. I think sometimes we have a picture in our heads of how things are going to be and it's hard to give that up. When I found out our oldest was a boy I actually cried because I had always dreamed about having a girl. I think this is normal and we are so hormonal and so keyed up that it's easy to be emotional. Just rest assured that when the babies come you won't care. Cheer up.

 

Get used to ignoring people that don't make helpful comments....it's only the beginning!! Anyways, praise God that he made us people with emotions...all the emotions you are feeling are okay! Let yourself feel how you need to feel and keep trying to work towards excitement...it will come...I promise!

 

Since there are three ways this can turn out: b/b, g/g, or b/g, we all have our secret hope or preference. For me, when I thought I was having one baby, I didn't have a preference--I was just super excited to be pregnant FINALLY!!!

Then we found out we were having twins, and all of a sudden, it became very, very important to me (emotionally, not rationally) that I have one of each. I am a twin with a twin brother, and in my mom's generation I have twin aunt/uncle. This is part of it, but more than anything, I just really, really want to know what it's like to have a son AND a daughter.

So, at our NT scan, we saw external genitalia on Baby A. Whether or not this genitalia would stay external--we just don't know if its girl parts or boy parts. It was too soon.

So, since then, I have been trying to mentally prepare myself that Baby A is a boy, and Baby B might be one too. And I have a really, really really hard time with the idea of having two boys. I suddenly find myself thinking I would prefer two girls.

When I think about it rationally, asking myself "if you were expecting a singleton, which would you prefer?" I don't have a preference. But for some reason, there being two in there DOES make a difference.

So, what I'm saying is, if I don't have a boy and a girl, I will feel some disappointment, and if I find out it's two boys, maybe even MORE disappointment. I think its natural when you emotionally feel tied to one of the three outcomes that you allow yourself time to let go of that before embracing the here and now.

Congrats on your chicas. May they bring you so much joy, you forget you wanted boys.

 

DO not feel bad. Like others have said, you are human. I am having 2 boys. I really wanted a boy and a girl because I always saw myself with one of each, and this will more than likely be our last pregnancy.

Having two boys is going to be a blast and I am going to love them with all my heart. After a 22 week loss of my little boy i nmy previous pg, I too, am beyond happy that the babies are healthy so far and my cervix is holding out....but I am still human, and there is a little sense of loss that I will probably never have my little girl. It doens't mean I love these boys less though.

 

When I was pregnant, before we found out I swore I was having two boys. Towards the time of our 'big' ultrasound, I started hoping (once out loud) that we had one of each. I think I would have had a disappointed feeling if they would have been two of either. BUT... there is time to get used to the idea. I was terrified about having girls. Stupid reasons really. Sounds like the babies are doing great... you still don't know for sure about the genders! Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!

 

I would have been disapointed if i wasnt having a boy.. But having a girl is so much fun!! the clothes are so much more cute! No matter what happens you will get excited about having whatever you are having.

 

What you are feeling is completely normal and is exactly what I felt just a few weeks ago. In my heart I wanted 2 girls. In my head, I wanted one of each. And I ended up with 2 boys (at least that's what they're telling me). I was definitely disappointed. I tried to pretend I didn't but ended up crying myself to sleep that night. I know...it's horrible...but it's how I felt and you can't help how you feel.

Now, I'm totally excited about 2 boys and am so excited to get started on their nursery.

If I need reassurance about having 2 boys, I just think about how much I love my nephew and how cute he is...and say to myself...I get to have 2! Aren't I lucky?

Cary

 

I had the same experience. We're having two boys, which is great, but I really wanted my daughter to have a sister. I never had a sister and sometimes wish I did.

Anyway, you are so not alone. I was dissapointed to learn it was two boys, but you get over it. Also, I'm really, really convinced that we experience this "dissapointment" because there isn't really anything tangible to hold/cuddle when you find out early. I'm sure that if we didn't find out early, our feelings would be much different when going through labor and then being told what we had, and getting to see them and hold them and cuddle them.

We just have more time to think about it and it is less of an emotional moment.

Also, for what it is worth, when I told my Mom she was dissapointed too. ("Oh darn I was hoping for one of each" was her comment).

 

It's completely normal to feel a little disappointed if what you thought would happen, didn't. Those feelings will change. I had a friend who called me very disappointed when she found out she was having her 3rd boy, she really sounded depressed. She now has a handsome 1 year old boy and is happy with that. She did say that if she tries for another baby, she is going to try not to find out until the birth. She figures there is no way you can be disappointed when you are holding that beautiful baby in your arms.

Don't beat yourself up!!!

 

When I first found out that I was having two girls I was a little dissapointed. I really wanted to give my husband a boy and be done with getting pregnant. However, over time, I have become VERY excited at the prospect of two girls. In fact, I am just excited that they are healthy and growing. I have been on this forum for a while now and have read how some people have had problems. I am hoping that they are happy and healthy and that is all that matters.

I think it will just take you some time to get used to it but I guarantee that you will get excited, no matter what.

 

Thanks everyone (most everyone) for your kind, empowering words. I took your advice and I went online in search of adorable little girl things! I am getting more and more used to the idea, I just think it will take some time.

I dont know what I would do without TS! Its so wonderful to be supported by people that have been where you are. I am so very grateful! Have a great day!!

 

I felt the same way that you did. Now I have two great girls that I wouldn't trade for the world. It took a little while to be as excited about girls as I was about boys or at least one boy. My friend had a boy about 2 months after I had the girls and he is a hand-full! I don't think that I could have handled twin boys. There are a lot of great things about girls - and you will find them all.

CONGRATS!!!

 

I know I am little late with the post but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I actually posted something similar a few weeks ago. We are not finding out the sexes but I have my heart set on one of each or even two girls. I already have a girl and am honestly terrified of having two boys! But I know that what ever we have I will be grateful and once they are here in your arms you won't care.

My Best friend just had her second child, a little boy, and she had a girl first too. Both her and her husband would have been perfectly happy with another girl but here comes their little boy blessing. She assures me that none of your fears matter once that baby is here. She loves him as much as her little girl and there is nothing different in the way she feels. A baby is a blessing we all realize once they are here.

Short answer is you are not alone and definitely not a bad mommy! I am sure that once they are here no matter what sex they are you will love them no matter what!

 

You are not a bad mom!! when i found out i was having twins, i was so sure i would have atleast one boy!! (we have a DD already) and we are having 2 girls. i was disappointed to at first, and i know that DH was although he tried to deny it. but we are both getting excited about two more little girls running around, and now i cant wait. of course i still would like a boy someday...you will get used to the idea if it ends up being two girls!!

 

I already posted, but I was thinking about it and when I found out I was having twins (which was the same u/s that I was finding out the sex), they found Israel first and I thought, okay a boy, thats okay... I know how to do that, then I told the u/s tech, there better be a girl in there! I've already started shopping! LOL! And there was, i would have been a little upset if there were 2 boys!! So, anyway... BTDT!

 

I felt the same exact way. I felt bad for feeling like that but now I realize it's human.

I never wanted to have a girl and to find out I was have TWO was like the end of the world for me. Now I think it is wonderful have my little princesses it means all of my kids are special. My girls are special because they are twins and DS is special because he is my only prince.

:hug99: Don't beat yourself up too much for feeling this way. It's common, just like so many others have pointed out.

 

Don't feel bad, I think it is so normal to have your heart set on something. You are brave for sharing your feelings. When we found out we were expecting twins, they told us they were 98% sure they were frats. I just knew it was one of each. Both of my grandmothers had twins brothers so it runs in our family. Turns out is was 2 girls and it looks like they may be id. I was disappointed. I couldn't imagine having 3 girls, it was never in my plan. I have to say that I couldn't imagine anything else now. It is so wonderful to have all the same gender. They have the best time playing together and I am so girly myself that I have so much fun playing with them too!! Girls are great and if you end up with one or two you will be truly happy!!

 

we're having two boys. we have a 4 yo dd, and dh really wanted another dd. dd wanted a sister. so the day we found out it was two boys i had to contend with dh's disappointment, which he obviously controlled, but it was still there, and dd's disappointment, which resulted in her sobbing and saying 'why? why?' as dh and i looked on kicking ourselves that we didn't have the video camera out! anyway, both of them have come around and are excited about two boys. you will come around to be excited over the girls.

as a dear friend often tells me: having a daughter means you'll never leave your house looking like an idiot. your daughter won't let you!

 

Oh my goodness - I was devastated to be having twins. I found out on a Friday the thirteenth! Then I was so sad I was having two girls, so I would have all three girls. Then I was sad I was worried about them being girls when one might have had a problem (they don't, thank goodness). Now I'm sorry that I ever wanted a boy, and don't know what I would do without them. And now my husband has his own harem... well, sort of... You're hormonal, stuff happens, and then you go on. Girls are so much fun! (I'm sure boys are too, but I have NO experience with that...)

 

I doubt that they are wrong at 18 weeks... However, at my 12 week check they told me I was probably having a boy this time...and lo and behold at 15 weeks it's clear that it's a girl...confirmed again at 20 weeks... So it is possible to mistake the gender in the opposite direction. As far as feelings...to be honest I really wanted a boy this time. I really wanted a brother for my ds, and even though I'm excited about getting to know another little girl part of me still really wants another boy. I don't think there's anything wrong with that...so long as you don't let it hold you back from enjoying your pg and your girls. I had a similar experience for my first child... I really thought she was a boy...and found out it was a girl. And I was a little bummed. But it's a matter of changing your "vision" for your family...start dreaming of two little girls....of the clothes you can buy...the nusery theme you can go with... Many, many moms have had to let go of preconcieved notions on what their kids would be like...starting with their genders!! It's very good practice b/c you will probably have to let go of a hundred other preconceived notions on what you think your kids will be like or what you think labor or motherhood in general will be like. Train yourself now to let go and be satisfied with what you are given...to have a positive attitude and "count" your blessings. I've found that this goes a really, really long way in avoiding disappointment and preventing ppd.

 

I have a friend who had a problem pregnancy with her singleton which required an u/s every month till birth. Up until the day of delivery the drs were absolutely sure that she was having a girl. They even pointed out the "hamburger" on the u/s! My friend bought tons of girl clothes and decorated the nursery. Well, guess what Dad was able to announce on the birthday, "Its a BOY!!!!" So you never know...

 

QUOTE(ksugal @ Jul 26 2007, 03:28 PM) [snapback]345163[/snapback]
Get used to ignoring people that don't make helpful comments....it's only the beginning!! Anyways, praise God that he made us people with emotions...all the emotions you are feeling are okay! Let yourself feel how you need to feel and keep trying to work towards excitement...it will come...I promise!



I dont want to be a false hoper but at 21 weeks they told me girl and it was a boy.

Goodluck! But I have a boy and 2 more boys and I really wish I would have gotten the chance to have a girl. I think God does everything for a reason though so I trust in that. You're definitely not a bad person!

 

my DH was convinced we were having two boys... my mom was convinced we were having a boy and a girl... i didn't care as long as they are healthy... but i will be totally honest and say that when i found out i am having two girls, i got suddenly nervous. all i could think was, "oooh, high maintenance! drama queens! will they whine as much as i did?...." lol... i'm over it now. you realize that you can only do the best you can and that's all you can do! i'm super excited now, adn you will be, too! (didn't mean to rhyme there haha)

 

Don't feel bad. I felt the same way, I even told my husband that he was never allowed to touch me again on the way out to the car. I am very excited about having 2 healthy babies, but I want a little girl. Boys are fun and I wouldn't trade them for the world. You will get over it!

 

I felt the same way!! I have 3 boys and had toyed with the idea of having one girl - but when we found out that Baby B was a girl - I hoped that A was another boy!! I was a little shocked when we found out that they were both girls! I had never done the girl thing and quite frankly I was a little afraid - I am not a real girly girl myself and it was scary (I won't lie!!)
now that these girls are here - I am SO in love !!! OH MAN! let me tell you what!! these little girls are the most amazing little
princesses! I cannot put into words the joy that they have brought to us - now their sexes don't even matter - it is their personalities !! you are not a bad mom to be - just a normal one!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! twins are so amazing - boys, girls or one of each!!

 

You love what ever comes out and can't imagine how life would be without them.
Consider how lucky you are - my best friend just found out tonight that her IVF didn't work with 3 embryos transfered.

 

Oh man I remember feeling that way with the twins. We had a cvs test and were told we were having two healthy boys. I pretended to be excited and told everyone it was great that my older dd would remain our princess and that my older son would have two more playmates. But inside I wanted to cry. I did not want three boys...that sounds SOOO badly after all we went through to get there. The biggest reason we tried for a 3rd was because I wanted my dd to have a sister...I have two sisters and I LOVE it and feel its huge to have a sister. And my dd wanted a baby sister. So I put on a smile for everyone but inside I was sad. I finally got over that and bought some matching boy outfits and was okay with the fact I would have 1 girl/3 boys. Then my 18 weeks sono told us we were having boy/girl twins. I really feel in my heart I knew it had to be wrong (even though there was a 1% chance) I just really felt one was a girl. But...we all know in the end it doesn't matter what they are as long as they are healthy...its okay to feel the way you do and you will get more used to the idea. You are not alone!!