I don't know what to do

I'm in the terrible three's right now. The boys are 3-1/2 and have done a complete change of how they used to behave. Kiefer is now often hitting and occasionally biting Cameron at home. He even admits to it when asked. Cameron can be grabby, so I can understand his anger, but he shouldn't be hitting or biting Cameron. At school, he does really well. He behaves in class, and follows along with the teachers' instructions and activities set up for him and plays nicely with his friends. Though, the teachers just told me he still occasionally hits himself in class. He doesn't hit himself at home anymore like he used to.

Cameron at home does grab, and scream. He's got a lot of energy he has no idea what to do with it, but he doesn't hit or push Kiefer. He does occasionally hit either me or his daddy like Kiefer does too, and he gets in to trouble for that as well, but he won't hit Kiefer. At school, he doesn't hit Kiefer, but he'll hit his teachers and his fellow classmates. Today, he shoved a friend against the wall repeatedly as the teacher described it. He made his friend scream and as usual (in school only) he laughs about it at his crying friends. He's given a lot of sympathy when it comes to his mommy or daddy or even Kiefer getting hurt, but not his friends or teachers at school. No sympathy whatsoever. He's going through occupational therapy and there's only so much she can do. She's still working on his reactions and anxiety (as she noted). The OT has told me he's got a ton of energy he doesn't know what to do with. If he's acting as described by the teachers, he may need further work by a behaviorist.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know where this has started. It sounds like who came first, chicken or the egg. Did he get this from other kids in his class? Cameron and occasionally Kiefer were both hit or bitten at school. Neither of them have bitten anyone at school. Is he getting this from Kiefer from his home reactions? Is Kiefer getting this from friends at school? Is Kiefer just getting tired of getting his toys stolen from Cameron as often as they are, and he's just lashing out? Kiefer has usually been good with sharing. He's great at school, but I know he gets tired of having to share everything when Cameron wants something. It doesn't matter to him that we step in and remind Cameron to wait his turn so Kiefer can have some time with the toy first. I know this is a phase. It has to be, but what can I do to help them get through this? I don't like the hitting, shoving, or biting, and I don't want Cameron kicked out of school due to his recent aggressive behavior. We do time-outs. Which can work, but I'm thinking I'll need to switch to a good behavior jar or something. Neither of them like time-outs, but they don't seem to be catching on that it's not a break in bad behavior they can just return to after time-outs are done. I do 1-2-3-magic and that does seem to help, but once Cameron tunes me out, nothing matters. He just simply won't hear me. He'll scream if I get his attention. He's such a good boy otherwise. It just drives me nuts how he can be such a sweetheart and then act out so much the next moment. I know that's tot behavior, but GAH I'm at a loss!

 

:hug: Eliza
How do they discipline Cameron at school when he behaves badly? Can you come up with a discipline plan that would be almost the same across the board? It sounds like you have to find his currency.
I am wondering if you could do a sticker chart with both boys (or penny jar), for each day they are good and there is no hitting, bitting, etc. they earn a penny or a sticker.
I would still keep it up with the time outs and perhaps also put a favorite toy in time out as well.

 

The school first tries redirection, but they also do time-outs. The teachers have gotten a little creative. If they see a child acting out in an angry fashion, they'll go outside with the child and let them get their aggressions outside with an outdoor toy. They too have done toy time-outs when necessary. But, Cameron is acting differently than usual. That is what has them concerned. He was a well-behaved boy and never hit or pushed his friends. He was often loud and disruptive in the beginning then calmed down a bit and followed along with the class, but now he's gotten aggressive and the laughing at crying friends part really seems to concern them. At home, he doesn't really do that so I cannot correct what I can't see. I believe his teacher, but I can't correct Cameron if he doesn't display that behavior at home. I can, however, work on Kiefer. But, Kiefer behaves well at school, so I'm not sure which influenced what. I will likely start the jar thing. Though I don't have the pennies for the jar, we could use marbles. Cameron likes stickers, but Kiefer doesn't seem to care much for them.

As far as at home discipline, we do time-outs and that does include toy time-outs if it seems appropriate like they are fighting over the toy or mistreating it.

 

Why is he getting OT? I ask because my DS (they justed turned 4) has SPD . He was getting OT for it through EI and when he was evaluated for preschool, they did not see any need for it. FF to a year later, his teachers have seen a lot of SPD behaviors and he was evaluated again by the school and will be getting OT.

He is good at school, but at home his will hit, bite and hurt his brother and laugh about it. It's only when I put him in time out he will react and that's just because he's being punished.

Have you thought about seperating them in school? I know for me, it was one of the best decisions I made. Having to be with his brother 24/7 took a toll on both of them. They were each able to come into their own and not have to worry or compete with their brother.

 

My DH and I are not in agreement about separating them, but he isn't going to fight me on it. I have asked Cameron's OT to let me know if she thinks they need to be separated. Cameron does have friends at school, but I don't know how close he is. His best friend left and when we hang out, he's very good. Both he and Kiefer share a friend at school now. Kiefer almost always plays Legos with this friend. Cameron is also friends with this boy but has a tougher time playing with him. This boy used to be rough and aggressive. He still has a tendency to get aggressive, but has calmed down a lot from what I can see. Cameron prefers to hang out with the rough kids probably because he can get rough with wrestling. The teachers only step in if the wrestling seems to be too much and try to avoid any injuries.

I think separating them is the better option. The school does not have two classes in the same age group, but the next class does work off the same curriculum. The director is willing to move Cameron up if we request it when there's room to do it. It's likely Cameron would benefit form the older kids as they'd have calmed down a bit more and Cameron really seems to appreciate the challenges and more responsibilities. The teachers had requested for me to think about it. DH is against it. He thinks they should do fine together. They do make separate friends and they don't fight each other much in school beyond the normal little boy spats (it only happens once in a while every few weeks they get on each other's nerves in class). But, they do count on each other. While that's not a bad thing, I do know Kiefer did super well in class when Cameron was out sick for a week. Cameron needs attention without Kiefer around.

Cameron is seeing an OT for his focus overreactions to stimuli around the classroom. The teacher tells him to wash his hands or sit for reading time, etc..., he'll burst in to screams and acts like it's the end of his world. He doesn't like surprise changes from his routines. The OT also saw Kiefer for his inability to focus. He's gotten SOOO much better. They both also see a speech therapist. Kiefer had a harder time forming his words. Cameron is great at language, but he can't control his body. The speech therapist also does play therapy which is what she focused on for Kiefer. Cameron, she wants him in group therapy. I think that is going to help him out a lot. But, I'm still worried that this needs more attention or we are missing something.