I can't physically pick them up anymore. Help!

My girls turned 3. They are big enough that I cannot pick them up anymore. When I do I get hurt (I have 2 chronic illnesses). My drs and I have decided together that's it's no longer possible for me, unless under extreme circumstances - something huge like running out into the street.

Most of the parenting advice re: sleep training (we recently moved to toddler beds. naps are pretty much over. quiet time is NOT working), time outs, etc (like supernanny for example)....... Well, it's recommended to NOT speak to them. Put them in time out, tell them why, then shut up. just keep physically putting them back. i can't do that. My girls will also physically lay on the floor and not move to be stubborn or act out. in unsafe places, like in front of a doorway. they were doing this at school alot.

We put them in toddler beds (and sadly gave up crib tents), b/c our cribs didn't have a side that lowers, and I couldn't keep picking them in/out. I would've kept in crib tents longer. for beds - they are standing up, jumping, screaming, running around. getting hurt. when i engage w/ my voice, it's not working (they are testing me on lots of issues lately). but i cannot pick them up anymore.

Much of this behavior is b/c they aren't sleeping enough since move to beds. not nap, getting up earlier, etc.



What do I do? What did you do? How do I set and enforce limits, rules, etc without physically picking them up? There must be another method that involves speech, right? Any advice appreciated!



Mod- i understand why you might want to put this in 2-4. but i'm asking you leave it here please, so I can get a broad range of advice - especially for the moms of bigger kids. b/c moms of 2-4 (who don't have physical limitations may not have faced this issue yet).

 

:hug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I was at this point with my ds when I was pregnant with the twins. There are definitely other consequences you can use. You just need to get creative. Fortunately, they are now old enough to understand what you are saying. You can do a reward chart and let them earn things. You can take things away from them. I think with the fact that they are manipulative (laying down in dangerous spots and refusing to move) shows that they are pretty smart, so don't think they won't get these things. :hug:

 

There have to be books about this that you can borrow from the library or buy from Amazon! I would ask your pediatrician, as well as TSers, for advice on what books they recommend!! I know my pedi has different books for different stuff!!

Also, FIND THEIR CURRENCY, are they attached to their blanket or a stuffed animal. Do they love sleeping with a certain night light? You can certainly use that against them. It's easier than lifting and chasing!

e.g. Samantha lays in the doorway of the school: "Samantha, you are blocking your friends and their families from getting into/out of the school. It's time to get up! We are leaving/going in. - if it's her feet where the door can hit them - I wouldn't be averse to the door tapping her feet and just startling her a bit.

Then: "Samantha, that's 1" ("if I get to 3, you aren't going to get to xyz or have xyz for bed tonight") "That's 2" ("you are going to lose your xyz") OOOOKAY... "That's 3" (Then if you have to, pick her up -even though I know you are trying to avoid that).

I'm really sorry. They are very bright girls and they know that Mommy is not able and they are capitalizing on it! When it's possible, Daddy is going to have to do as much of those duties as possible. I would TRY 1-2-3 Magic. It really works for me!

 

I suspect this may only be a tiny bit of help (but a tiny bit may be better than nothing) ...

I made a 'wind down' space for the twins in our living room - mini sofas, pretty pictures on the wall and a small rug (all hand-me-downs) - originally my plan was to use it for 'time outs': "If you bite your sister you need to stay sitting here until you calm down". With the intention that it was a nice enough space for them to calm themselves in and that they could emerge whenever they were ready. Unfortanately they rarely stay there more than 10 seconds and I really don't want to force them to stay there - as then that becomes the physical coercion which I'm trying to avoid by using time outs.

My strategy then, is to ignore the child. Once I have told her she is in time out (and I move her to that space - although I don't think this is a necessary step), I try as far as possible to keep my back to her. I ignore her calling me. I wait at least 3 minutes. This you don't have to pick them up for. It doesn't achieve my aim of calming the child down, but for one of ours it is a very effective punishment. She just wants cuddles within a couple of minutes.

The other child couldn't care less, so it's not a total success.

For other things, hopefully you can still get down to their level and give them a good cuddle as they run into your arms. And if you're already sitting, they may be able to climb into your lap.
Good luck
lisa

 

I'm not sure what your medical issues are, but it sounds like you are going to have to tailor your approach given that you can't really enforce "negative" discipline. At your kids age, attention is what's motivating to kids: often they act out (misbehave) because it gets attention a lot faster than good behavior. If a parent takes good behavior for granted, then kids will misbehave to get some reaction out of the parent. So, the trick is to give as much positive reinforcement as possible for the good behavior. If they are quiet and polite, praise them and then get down on the floor with them and read or play with them. Catch them acting nicely and let them know you notice: rewards charts, baking cookies with you, whatever fun thing you both enjoy together. My boys always responded better to positive reinforcement than any of the time-outs, taking away toys, etc. that I tried. Not that I didn't have to resort to those, but if I could concentrate and stick with the positive, they were much happier and cooperative kids. And lots more fun to be with!! They really do want to be with you, and when you get down and play/read/talk with them, they just light up. It's fun for you too! Having kids shouldn't be just about having a good a defensive plan: it should be mostly about enjoying them. Sure we all have bad days, but if you aren't enjoying most of your time with them, then you might need to rethink your overall approach.

 

I really have to second what Ellen is saying. I have noticed that when the girls are being whiny/irritating, especially if I am trying to get something done or if I'm not paying 100% attention to them, it helps to stop what I'm doing and engage them in some activity. They also respond greatly to positive reinforcement. Like if they are playing nicely and sharing, if I throw a few "good sharing" or "you are playing so well together, I really like that" they will keep it up. Also, time outs don't work for every child. You do have to find their currency and get creative sometimes. I read this post and I was trying to think of how often do I "have" to pick them up, and it's not really much at this age. I mean I do, but if I couldn't, I guess we would manage, at least as far as discipline goes. When I do have them in time out and they try to get out, really all I have to do is point at the spot and give them a stern look, and they run right back to the spot.