I can't handle this girl anymore!

My DD is out of control lately. She is so sassy and disrespectful to me, she drives me to tears daily (of course, I never let her see that). You cannot believe the things that she says to me, and she just turned 3 a few weeks ago. If she does something she shouldn't do and I tell her no, she will yell at me, "You don't talk to me that way! I mean it!" She tells me "no" all the time, and does everything she knows she is not supposed to do. She also hits me, slaps my face, throws toys at my head, etc. I have never let her get away with this stuff, I have always been consistent with discipline. I have 3 other kids that don't treat me that way, I don't know where she is learning this stuff. She gets tons of attention, as I am a SAHM and I am with them all day long. This morning she was out of control, and I called DH at work to ask him what he thought I could do differently, because TO and loss of toys/privelages obviously isn't working. He said that when she acts that way to him, he looks her in the eye and tells her "no", and keeps eye contact until she looks away. He said since he started doing this she has been a lot better with him. So a few minutes later she yelled at me and I held onto her arm, looked her in the eye, and told her that she needed to talk nice to me, and she looked right back at me and said, "Well, well, well", and then just smirked.

I am at a complete loss. I know a lot of her behavior is because she is 3, but I have never known a child who is as sassy and disrespectful as she is at this age. Someone please help me!!

 

Yikes. At first I wanted to laugh because hearing that come out of a 3 year old is just kind of humerous - but I completely understand your frustration - and it's NOT funny at all.

I know that just looking my kids in the eyes as your husband said has worked for us (they are 3.5) but honestly, when my kids do something completely wrong and I need to correct/nip that behavior in the bud, I just give them a swat on the butt and a very firm 'NO'. They usually get it pretty quick. I've only had to resort to that a couple of times though.


Another thing you can do is just keep her in T.O. until she just can't handle it anymore. But make sure to put her in a room or someplace where there's no toys/games/books anything that can distract her. Just keep going in every 5 minutes or so and get down on her level and talk to her about what she did - if she refuses to acknowledge that she did something wrong, tell her sternly she needs to stay where she is and think about it some more.

GL - this is a tough age.

 

Here is what my husband suggests: At three, she's is acting out in an attempt to assert her independence...and you're the only person around to act out on. Basically, you're the target because you're always around. Maybe allowing her some experiences away from home and family might help? Like preschool, dance, karate, etc. Anything to get out of the house and away from you for a while?


Now I'm gonna say something that will probably meet with a lot of criticism from people, and fair enough, since my twins are 14months and my only children. I have yet to experience the joys of childhood that you're going through. I just finished reading a book called "Dare to Discipline" by Dr. James Dobson. The main point in his book is that developing respect for the parents is the critical factor in child management. He says the childs relationship with her parents becomes the cornerstone of her later outlook on all authority, and that if you want your child to accept your values in her teen years then you must be worthy of her respect during her younger years. He stresses the need for respect to be gained early.

It seems like your DD does not yet respect you, and that she is testing you, and winning. The discipline methods that have worked just fine for your other children do not seem to be effective for such a strong-willed child like your daughter. Dr. Dobson does feel that spanking is needed in some cases. Here I'll quote from his book so you can get a feel of what he is saying:

"The issue of respect can be a useful tool in knowing when to punish and how excited one should get about a given behaviour. First, the parent should decide whether an undesirable behaviour represents a direct challenge of his/her authority - to his position as the father or mother. Punishment should depend on that evaluation......In my opinion, spankings should be reserved for the moment a child expresses a defiant "I will not" or "You shut up"......when nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between you and your child, it is not the time to have a discussion about the virtues of obedience. It is not the occasion to send him to his room to pout. You have drawn a line in the dirt, and the child has deliberately flopped his big hairy toe across it. Who is going to win? Who has the most courage? Who is in charge here? If you do not answer these questions conclusively for the child, he will precipitate other battles designed to ask them again and again. It is the ultimate paradox of childhood that a youngster wants to be controlled, but he insists that his parents earn the right to control him."

My goal is to also start out by using TOs and loss of toys/privilages, etc. with my girls, but I would definitely consider these words if they were proving to be as strong-willed as your DD is.

I'm not trying to start a debate here, just offering a point of view.

Thinking about you and hoping things go better!!

Melissa

 

:hug:


I haven't read them yet, but planning on it, there are few books on parenting strong-willed children that you can try. I also have a strong-willed child and it can be so trying at times.

Both of mine also listen to SO much better than they do me. I have no idea why. We use the same discipline methods and have the same rules. My only guess is that he does have about 100x more patience than I do. And while I try not to let them see me upset, they know when they are pushing my buttons.


I'll echo what PP said about outside interaction. Both of mine need more stimulation and having them back in daycare after a summer out has been night and day. They both thrive with having so many different faces and so much going on. And they both thrive on a schedule. Maybe you could look into a preschool or play-dates for her?


Good luck!

edited to fix emoticon.

 

oh ugh! big hugs! I fear my dd will be the same. she's not talkative enough to completely sass back.. but I'm sure if she were she'd be doing it. Her big word is "no", and she wants to be in control. I will definitely be checking into books that deal with that. I have a book that I've been trying to read but haven't found the time to finish. Its Easy to Love Hard to Discipline, The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation. what I've read so far makes sense... it talked about in the end the children are eager to cooperate... instead of having battles etc.

book

as for my dd. whenever she says "no" to a question, she is not getting another chance. like do you want this book? then I am deliberately giving it to her twin and she ends up having a coniption (how do you spell that?!) I'm hoping within a week she'll get the point that she can't just say "no" to everything and still get her way. I'm also giving them lots of choices to make... like when she wanted to nurse last night, I told her she had to go potty first. it took a good 45 min. but she finally calmed down and I got her back in the crib and nursed... both my kids have learned how to push my buttons and I am trying to maintain calmness and patience.

I don't think I answered your question, but I do hope that you find a good outlet for her and a method for discipling that helps her. I also think that some outside interaction with a "teacher"/instructor like karate might be a good thing.

 

Ugh. It is hard when you feel like one of your kids is out of control! I agree with pp's that some time away from you might help. Preschool, a dance or music class, or anything else that has some structure to it might help to improve her attitude when she is at home. If none of those are in the budget, do you have a Grandma or Aunty or friend who might be willing to take her for a couple of hours once a week? I know my MIL and my mother enjoy taking my kids one on one occasionally. They spend the time baking a batch of cookies, or gardening, or maybe just going for a walk. It really benefits the child & the grandparent, both.

I know you said timeouts aren't working, have you read 123 Magic? I know many, many people who swear by the methods in the book. I also know there are other books that offer discipline suggestions for children who are a bit strong willed, here are a couple that have gotten great reviews & offer techniques to use other than spanking...
Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

I haven't read either book, but I know people who have found them to be helpful.

 

Thanks ladies. I had decided that I wasn't going to do preschool this year because I just wasn't ready for them to be that "big" yet, but I think that they are ready, especially dd, and so I need to suck it up and have them go. I have never been one to spank my kids, but obviously what I am doing just isn't the right approach for her, so I may need to try it a couple of times and see if that works. I want to end this behavior as soon as possible, I do not want her to grow up thinking she is the boss. If she is already like this at 3, can you imagine how adolescence would be if this continues?! That thought is enough to give me nightmares!

Thank you for the book suggestions, I will definitely check those out. I am a big fan of James Dobson, I recently read Bringing Up Girls and loved it.

Thanks again and wish me luck!