I am having a melt down

I am just so overwhelmed I don't know where to begin. The babies are not napping/sleeping well at all these days. So I am exhausted on top of everything else. We have their birthday party next weekend and my sister's wedding in Kentucky the weekend after. We have major financial issues but dh will be starting a new job after the wedding so once he finally gets paid it will take a few months to play catch up so to speak with everything. Eventually that will all be ok. The babies are 99% my responsibility. He is always "working"I say it like that because he does freelance work at home and I am SURE he is not working every second he is in his office. It is fine for at night while they are sleeping or suppose to be sleeping but he is like that on the weekends too. The only time he watches them either on the monitor or really with them is when I am showering or have an errand to run in the evening after he gets home late from work, or Sunday morning when I go food shopping and once in a while other occasional errands on the weekends. Anyway, he will never understand that I cannot do it all. I pay the bills, make all the calls, take them to all their appts (they are preemies) and pt, do all the shopping and laundry. And I do the little bit of cleaning and cooking that gets done. AND I have started doing some phone work fpr my uncle at home that was suppose to be while they are sleeping but during the time I can do it, they are never both alseep. And I cannot do it past 8:30pm. And I don't feel comfortable to turn down the sound on the monitor while they are awake. I just don't. It is not like it is a ton of money either. If can squeeze in an hour everyday it is not like it is alot of money, like $200-$250 a month. But my uncle calls me alot for a second here or there, it has been a long time since my cousin was a baby so he like most men, has no idea and no clue and I don't really get paid for that time. Some one complained to him that they heard kids in the background when I was on the phone, that was because they woke up when I was on the phone. I could not predict that. I told dh this and that I can't do it anymore and he is giving me a hard time. I know we need the money but I need my sanity too. I am on a diet but today I have eaten everything I can get my hands on. I am just so upset. I know this post is all over the place from one thought to the next with no real structure, sorry about that. Oh and also I have some medical issues going on and I can't even get to the doctor. I won't bring my preemies around sick people. And dh tells me everytime I complain as he calls it, that he cannot take off of work . I am just at my wits end. I love my babies so much I am just not happy today at all. And I don't know what to do. THere are so many things, they don't sleep well, they fight me on eating, etc. And it is my responsibility to figure it all out, dh's only opinion was to put them to bed later like 8 o'clock. Which is way too late in my opinion. Anyway, I guess I should end this now otherwise I could go on for days or at least another 30 minutes when they normally wake up from their nap before the problems began and I guess I would call it quits if they don't sleep by them. Ok, bye.

 

I don't really have any advice for you besides the fact that it sounds like your DH should be doing far more. I know I've been keeping up with your posts and frustrations/difficulties with sleep and food...I hope things improve. Vent away...we're all here for you.

 

:hug99:
Oh honey I feel ur pain. I as well do everything too. But my DH will clean the kitchen or some other room but I know it's only to escape crying babies and a tornadic toddler. how about I clean for a little bit just to escape...anyway, I hear U. I can relate and know what you are going through. I also do all the night time feedings. And just to make it easier on myself I sleep downstairs on the couch with the babies in front of me while he gets to go in our snuggly bed for the night. I don't wake him...only on an occasion. I want so bad to feel what it's like to sleep in a bed (it's been a month). He even wanted me to take up our almost 3 year old to bed and read her a story. HELLO? Can you do anything? Hang in there sweety.

 

Big hugs! And y'know, I've read on here so many times that if you put them down earlier, they'll sleep later. So maybe try earlier vs. later?? That's the only suggestion I've got other than give DH a good firm kick! Hang in there, every twin mom I run into keeps telling me that it gets easier!

 

:hug99:

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I remember that first year with DS1 being so tough. I had horrible PPD that went unchecked and it just made it all worse. I'm not sure how DH and I survived, because like your's, he worked a lot (still does) and didn't have a lot of time to help me. I did pretty much everything.

It's true, you need your sanity. Is there a local mom's group you could join, or a Moms of Twins Club nearby? Taking the boys out (as hard as it can be) has really helped me a lot. We're tight on money too, so I've tried to find things that don't cost too much money, or are free. Even just going for a walk and getting some fresh air has been nice.

I wish I had some better advice. But, I can tell you that I've definitely been there, done that AND survived. So, please know that you're going to make it. One day, you'll look back on this and see that you've come a long way and are a better person because of it.

Lots of hugs.

 

QUOTE(snoopytwins @ Oct 23 2007, 02:38 PM) [snapback]463756[/snapback]
I don't really have any advice for you besides the fact that it sounds like your DH should be doing far more. I know I've been keeping up with your posts and frustrations/difficulties with sleep and food...I hope things improve. Vent away...we're all here for you.


I know he should be, we have been dealing with this issue pretty much since day one. I have given up that battle, I am too tired to fight it.


QUOTE(MrsBQ02 @ Oct 23 2007, 02:42 PM) [snapback]463770[/snapback]
Big hugs! And y'know, I've read on here so many times that if you put them down earlier, they'll sleep later. So maybe try earlier vs. later?? That's the only suggestion I've got other than give DH a good firm kick! Hang in there, every twin mom I run into keeps telling me that it gets easier!


I would but they already go down at 5:45-6. That was working well for a while but since naps have been screwed up because they take so long to settle down, it doesn't always work. They will go to sleep but then be up for hours at like 1am or 3am. And even just a little later like 6:45 prooved to be too late, they were too overtired and took FOREVER to settle down. I don't want to be putting them down at 4pm. LOL Thanks for the suggestion though.

QUOTE(4lilmonkeys @ Oct 23 2007, 02:43 PM) [snapback]463773[/snapback]
:hug99:

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I remember that first year with DS1 being so tough. I had horrible PPD that went unchecked and it just made it all worse. I'm not sure how DH and I survived, because like your's, he worked a lot (still does) and didn't have a lot of time to help me. I did pretty much everything.

It's true, you need your sanity. Is there a local mom's group you could join, or a Moms of Twins Club nearby? Taking the boys out (as hard as it can be) has really helped me a lot. We're tight on money too, so I've tried to find things that don't cost too much money, or are free. Even just going for a walk and getting some fresh air has been nice.

I wish I had some better advice. But, I can tell you that I've definitely been there, done that AND survived. So, please know that you're going to make it. One day, you'll look back on this and see that you've come a long way and are a better person because of it.

Lots of hugs.


I have joined the Moms of Twins club, but dh will never get home early enough for me to attend anything. And we can't go to things during the day because they have pt 3x a week and then there is usually a random appt at least one of the remaining two days (they see a GI specialist, they wear helmets, see a chiropractor, etc and those are all once a month things). Thanks for the suggestion though.

And thanks for the support ladies.

 

You are handling way tooooo much IMO. Get your DH's butt in gear. He isn't exempt from parenting because he "works". They are HIS children, and he needs to step up. He is getting away with it because he can. I would walk out of the house for an hour and tell them they are his. It is ridiculous that you can't get your medical problems addressed because he is busy. It sounds like you've given up on him being an actual partner in this, and I know you and your kids deserve more.

Reyna

 

Sorry things stink right now Ilyse. Maybe you just need to do something more drastic to get DH's attention about the kids. Like just walk out for the evening and leave him in charge?? I would have a hard time doing it, but if I just got so fed up I might give it a try.

 

Ilyse - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. I may get flamed for some of the things I'm about to say, but there are just my thoughts after reading your post and recalling some of your other posts.

As far as loving and caring for your children, it sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can. Being a Mom IS the toughest, and you are doing it x2. But as far as your DH goes, you need to tell him to take a flying leap. I think that being together, but raising your kids all alone is far worse than just being alone - at least your not constantly angry, let down, disappointed and hoping that things will change, kwim?

We teach people how to treat us, and it sounds like he needs a lesson in how to treat his wife and children. If he doesn't get it, than you aren't doing a service to yourself or your children by staying in that kind of relationship. He clearly must know you are not happy. Would he be willing to go to counseling?

In the meantime, please try and find someone you trust to watch the children and get out and do something for just yourself (not grocery shopping). I know I have a hard time with letting go and letting someone else watch mine, but seriously, if they aren't napping/eating well already, so what's the worse that could happen - they won't eat/nap for someone else?

Good luck and hugs!
Suzi

 

QUOTE(DATJMom @ Oct 23 2007, 03:09 PM) [snapback]463826[/snapback]
Sorry things stink right now Ilyse. Maybe you just need to do something more drastic to get DH's attention about the kids. Like just walk out for the evening and leave him in charge?? I would have a hard time doing it, but if I just got so fed up I might give it a try.


I have done that, he will never get it. The only way he would is if I left for like a month. Because even if I were gone for a few days or a week, he could take care of the babies but nothing else would get done. He needs to know what it feels like to be responsible for EVERYTHING in the house other than bringing home the money and mowing the lawn.

QUOTE(SusieQ @ Oct 23 2007, 03:10 PM) [snapback]463828[/snapback]
Ilyse - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. I may get flamed for some of the things I'm about to say, but there are just my thoughts after reading your post and recalling some of your other posts.

As far as loving and caring for your children, it sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can. Being a Mom IS the toughest, and you are doing it x2. But as far as your DH goes, you need to tell him to take a flying leap. I think that being together, but raising your kids all alone is far worse than just being alone - at least your not constantly angry, let down, disappointed and hoping that things will change, kwim?

We teach people how to treat us, and it sounds like he needs a lesson in how to treat his wife and children. If he doesn't get it, than you aren't doing a service to yourself or your children by staying in that kind of relationship. He clearly must know you are not happy. Would he be willing to go to counseling?

In the meantime, please try and find someone you trust to watch the children and get out and do something for just yourself (not grocery shopping). I know I have a hard time with letting go and letting someone else watch mine, but seriously, if they aren't napping/eating well already, so what's the worse that could happen - they won't eat/nap for someone else?

Good luck and hugs!
Suzi


I agree with you and have already told him that I want a divorce ( I do still love him but this is no way to live) but he says he will never give me one. I would go to counseling but he won't, I have tried that before. I might see what I can do about having someone babysit once in a while. There really isn't anyone but I am going to put my thinking cap on. The day before the babies party is my birthday, so I am going to get a haircut and manicure, my mom will be here (from out of town) and I already told dh that he is to be with the babies with and/or without me all day. So that will be something fun to look forward to.

Thanks again for all the support ladies. I am starting to feel a little better. The fact that they have finally been napping for about an hour has helped too!

 

QUOTE(~ilyse~ @ Oct 23 2007, 02:32 PM) [snapback]463859[/snapback]
I agree with you and have already told him that I want a divorce ( I do still love him but this is no way to live) but he says he will never give me one.


I'm glad you are starting to feel better! And if it comes to it, he doesn't need to "give you a divorce" - that is up to the courts!

 

Oh, boy ... I feel so bad for you! Know that you are not alone, that we are always here for you, and that you aren't Superwoman. You are badly overstressed, overworked, overtired, and I so wish I could give you a hug and then babysit for a few hours so you could just get away and breathe for awhile. :hug99:

I, too, have a man that barely, if ever, cleans. And when he does, he'll keep recalling it when I say something about cleaning ("Hey, I cleaned the bathroom!" Yeah, 3 weeks ago ...) That said, I don't have a guy that works out of the home, he leaves around 6 in the morning and doesn't get back until late, so I do understand that the majority of the time the cleaning should fall to me since I am home. But it hurts when he doesn't even offer to do anything, or when I get home from my own job at 3 in the morning and find the kitchen exactly how I left it after making dinner ... it hurts, like he isn't even considering your feelings. I can't imagine the frustration of having a guy work out of the house and bumble around while you are at your wit's end. I think it was on here that someone said that too many men think that when they are watching their children they are "babysitting." NO you aren't, they are your children! It is called parenting!

Sounds like you need to take a deep, long look at what is going on and whether or not you are truly happy. SuzieQ is right, the courts decide if you get divorced, not him. If you want a divorce, you get one.

:love0028:

 

I can't imagine having a DH who doesn't help out. Even though mine works (A LOT...as in 12+ hour days), he still comes home and makes me/lets me go "off duty" for the night. You have to be stressed to the max. You're doing a TON of work, and it sounds like he's just unwilling to take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of. Those babies need BOTH of you, working together. I'm sorry he doesn't see that. It just makes a tough situation even tougher.

I know I've already said it above, and SusieQ is right too...you really need to find a way to get out and take care of yourself.

 

Ilyse, I know you said that you've had this conversation with DH before, but you need to keep having it until he gets it. You say that he won't go to counseling, then you should go alone. A pp said that you teach people how to treat you. This is so true. Yes he works, but I'm sure that his job is a lot less stressful than you staying home with the kids. He gets to go to the bathroom whenever he needs to, can eat a leisurely lunch, and isn't on call every moment.
Keep talking, but if things don't change you have to do what is best for you and your kids. -Leighann

 

Ilyse,
I too have read your posts and blog and you truly sound like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

First, the kids. I know this is easier said than done, but kids sense stress and your house sounds like there is a lot of it. I know that when my kids are with the nanny, they sleep on schedule, eat on a schedule and are little textbook babies. When my husband and I are in charge, they RUN US! So, my advice on this (taken with a grain of salt, because I clearly don't have my kids under control) is to try and relax when you are with them. I know it's hard, because all the advice about kids is "keep them on a schedule," "don't let them be awake more than 2 hours," etc...but spend a day or two just being with them - if you can. I know your kids are a bit tougher because of the preemie thing - but just see what you can do. if they are waking in the middle of the night for hours, something is probably not working on their current schedule. and I know with twins, it's like "whack a mole" one goes down the other goes up.

Second, your husband. This is tough. If you really want a divorce, there are inexpensive ways to go about. That said, i know it isn't that simple - but from all your posts, it sounds like your husband just wants to escape from everything. You are probably right that when he is freelance 'working' he is surfing or who knows what. Maybe in between jobs, he can take a week off and stay home and help? I know you said money is tight, but since you know he will be making more, maybe that would help you get a little break? Otherwise, is separation an option? Also, in a post or blog, you mentioned telling your husband the kids will prefer you over him because he doesnt' spend time w/them. I would consider focusing on *what you need* from him, vs. what you think the kids need. yes, they need the love of their father, but he needs to develop his own relationship with them. What you need right now is for him to HELP you.

Time off. Look into the babysitting options. Or maybe, a mother's helper type thing where you have a college student (or high school) come over for a few hours a day (or week) and they help you. So it's cheaper than babysitting because you are there - but it helps you relax and manage both kids. Alternatively, maybe you could pay someone to clean the house every other week - at least take that off your plate? As far as the counseling goes, you should try to go - there may even be emergency phone available via your insurance (I think it's called EAP? or something, you get like 6-8 sessions - depending on your insurance).

The bottom line is - cyberspace support is great and everyone's suggestions are great - but you need someone who can physically help. Is there any family that is an option? Do they know how bad it is? I don't know your family situation, but hopefully there is someone you can lean on.

Try to hang in there - it will get easier (and the kids are very cute!).

Miriam

 

First of all, I am so sorry that you are totally and utterly overwhelmed. Sometimes, it can be so unfair. We are always here for you to vent!

I also do mostly all the work too with the babies, but on the weekends, I learned to just leave. I tell my DH - I am working out, going shopping, whatever and will be back. I leave a schedule and a list (which he screws up anyway) and go...without an exact time of getting back. I had a VERY difficult time doing it at first because I just honestly never wanted to be apart from my babies...but that is NOT healthy.

It is not healthy for you to give yourself completely away. You have to get your power back. What really struck me in my heart is when you wrote, "he will never understand that I cannot do it all." If you think that, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy...he won't understand you because if you are convinced he won't understand, you won't do the "work" to make him understand. If he chooses to not to understand, then he chooses to lose his family. But, you have to be consistent about your needs and about what is going on in your mind. Does that make sense? You owe it to yourself to make it a point to nourish yourself - that means you have to take a stand for you! You have to take time off...even a few hours. Can you get a sitter for a couple of hours?
If you are ready for a change, a change will happen. You can do whatever it takes to take care of you, the Mommy of those beautiful children. It is not fair to you or them to be run down and exhausted. They and YOU deserve more.

I am so sorry you are stressed.

 

Thanks ladies again for all the support.

I guess I should have been more specific on one thing. He does work outside the home 12+ hours a day at a regular job (including the commute). This is the job that will be changing in a few weeks. And then he comes home and does freelance work because we need the money. That is where we disagree. He feels that he works as hard as I do, just a different type of work. And he feels that he is honestly doing all he can and cannot do more, just like I do. I am not saying I agree or that either of us is right, I am just telling you the facts. I tried again last night to talk to him, but what I just said is what came out of his mouth, that he works hard too just doing a different job. I just feel like what you all have said, that these are his kids too. And even though he doesn't seem to agree he CAN go to the bathroom when he needs to and have a leisurely lunch during his lunch break. When he is with them on Sunday mornings, he does do that and puts them in the pack n play or somewhere safe and he also will eat a bowl of cereal. So he doesn't see how it really is because I can't always do that because when I do have the moment to do that, many times, I need to tend to the laundry, make a doctor's appointment or something else that needs to get done. Anyway, I agree with everything that you all are saying, I just really don't know what to do. Unfortunately, I am the sucker here, before the babies, this is how it was too. Although I have let go of a few things and made him do it. Like get his own clothes ready in the morning, deal with a car situation that we just had, etc. Like someone said, it is hard to let go when it involves the kids. Also, he is very rigid and uncomfortable with change and if I were to just pick up and leave for a day that we did not plan in advance, I would never hear the end of it. How he had this that and the other thing planned to do that day (work related I'm sure) and he couldn't do it. And I am not sure that is worth it either. Ok, I'm just babbling again. Thanks for the support.

 

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're doing a great job, despite all of the pressure on you. I hope you get some relief soon. I am also having a melt down due to sleeping/napping issues. You're not alone (don't know if that makes you feel any better).

 

Okay...now your situation appears a little more clear.

First, I totally understand being tired of the battle, but you've got to fight this one out. I'm sure your DH does work hard but you've got to have help. My DH kind of was like that...he works (so do I) and on the weekends he does take care of our property (lots of mowing, cutting wood, etc) while I usually take care of the boys. He would make comments about how hard he had worked, etc., until Lucas went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago (breathing issues) and he had to take care of Jonas at home by himself. Now I called and told him what to do and I would trade with him and go home and get everything ready (clothes, food, bottles) so he didn't have to do all of it. After Lucas was released from the hospital after two days, my DH told me he had no idea how I took care of two babies because he had such a hard time with one.

Honestly I think he thought I just sat around and the babies played and that was it. Nope! And my DH has always helped me when I need it and there are even times I don't have to ask.

You need to set it out there for your DH. If you have contemplated divorce, I'm sorry because I know that's difficult (I'm divorced, no children at the time and that was hard enough). If your DH can't muster up the fatherly-instinct to help the babies and you then you may be better off.

One of the pps said, babies can sense stress, etc, and I truly believe that. That may explain some of the issues with the kiddos. Plus, as a mommy, you do still need your time. I had a hard time going back to work, but now I do enjoy being with adults and having "adult time." It makes me appreciate the boys that much more. You definitely need that.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you make it through this trying time. We are here to listen and support you.

 

Ilyse, I haven't really followed your first year but let me say this!

[SIZE=12pt]YOU DID IT!!! YOU MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST YEAR AND ALL ON YOUR OWN!!! THAT IS AMAZING!!! pat yourself on the back and take a deep breath.

[/SIZE][SIZE=12pt]Clearly to be dealing with this for the past year, you are a strong and very capable woman!! I would encourage you to make a list of what has to get done (post it on the fridge so he can see it). I would make an appt with your OB to be sure that you aren't dealing with some PPD issues. (I'm not a doctor so can't really tell if that's part of what is going on or not. But it's almost time for your annual anyway!) You can take the babies with you to the OB. It's a pretty safe place for kids. Keep them in their stroller and give them a snack they haven't ever seen or haven't seen in a while.

Then, call your regular doc about your other health issues. What good are you to ANYONE if you aren't well? (Answer that outloud please). Let them know that you may have to bring your preemie babies with you and are concerned about RSV season starting and would like to know if there is a place you can wait for your appt. with them that would be away from the general population. (They might think you are crazy, but who really cares - you are a CUSTOMER!)

Time to get those babes sleeping!! I know you don't have time to read, so this is what I suggest. I read when I am blowdrying my hair (the upside down part) I can usually read a page or so (multi-tasking). You need to find a method for sleep training. I don't know what your style, so can't help you with that.

Now, this you are not going to want to hear.....

TS is a big time sucker. We all fall into the TS time warp. We spend WAY more time hear than we actually think we do!! (Like me, right now!) Set your TIMER for 5-10 during your ME time and have your TS fun, but when the timer is over - time to take care of business.

I feel for you, I really really do and I hope you find some relief!! You have proven that you are STRONG and capable, now be a woman of ACTION!!! GO GET EM' TIGER!!! :hug99: :love0028:
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