Husband's feelings

My husband and I have always had a pretty good relationship. Then secondary infertility hit. For 4 years, we would always get into some sort of disagreement when it came to talking about having another child because he felt it would happen in God's timing and I really wanted to use some treatments. I was extremely pushy many times with my agenda (something I regret!). Anyway, we never really did fertility treatments (only a few months of femera at one point) and I just learned a ton about patience and trusting God. When we finally became spontaneously pregnant, both of us were truly excited and my husband felt the timing was right because he was in a better place with his job etc.

However, when we found out it was twins, both of us were shocked- how did this happen when we did not use any intervention? (probably b/c I'm so old now...) Anyway, since that news, my husband has been very stressed and almost resentful that I somehow "caused" this to happen. He credits/blames the fact that I got an HSG done a few months prior to becoming pregnant and I had told him there was anecdotal evidence that it can help with fertility. So now he's somewhat angry that I "pushed" my way into getting what I wanted (even though at one point he brought up doing clomid and I refused because I didn't think we could handle multiples).

Anyway, when we talk about his feelings, he assures me that everything will be fine once the anticipation is gone and we're in the reality of caring for our twins. But in the meantime, I just feel completely alone in this whole journey. He's an incredible, attentive father to our son and I do trust he will be so with our daughters too. I just want to know how other people have handled the ambivalence and "checked out" feelings from their spouses both during pregnancy and during the first years.

 

Sorry that you're going through this. My husband (and myself) were both pretty stressed and overwhelmed at the prospect of twins. It definitely impacted my enjoyment of my pregnancy but I'm not sure what could have changed that. At the time all we had was our perspective and even though we both believed it would all turn out ok in the end, we were still very overwhelmed with it all. It's good that you guys are talking about his feelings and it's also good that he's trying to be reassuring to you about the future. That sounds promising. I'd give him some time to adjust.. I don't think he'll remain checked out for too long. Good luck!

 

I had a miscarriage with a pregnancy that came as easily as my first, well after that for 7 months I never started my period again (you know they tell you to wait 2 cycles before you try again) well the cycles never happened and after 7 months my doctor suggested trying a couple rounds of clomid-my husband didnt think we "really needed that" and warned me of the chances of multiples-however he was not forced in to our pursuit of pregnancy...
Well, wouldnt you know it? Yes, twins.
I had never heard 'I told you so' so many times in my life-everything from the high risk pregnancy to feeling terrible to after they were born and each and every time things got rough. It was horrible.
We eventually went to counciling because of it.
Things are much better now-things are easier and my husband is 100% in love with all three of his kids.
I can tell you it was a horrible guilt he put on me and it put a major strain on an already stressful time in our lives. Thankfully he came to his senses if not on his own but from our therapist.

I really hope that your husband changes his feelings-like you said it was a spontaneous pregnancy-you neither one could have predicted twins and he was a willing participant. He needs to own up to that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy-and best of luck to you!! :hug:

 

Wow............... we are in a very similar yet different situation. I was an egg donor in Dec for a couple (so all the normal stim meds with 34+ eggies at the end) and we started trying a month after that cycle ended and my flow was back, Id always told him I wanted twins and if he would let me, I would have hopped on Clomid in a heartbeat to get it, we never did and two months later found out we were having twins. Still to this day he accuses/mentions whatever you want to call it, that *I* in my doing made this happen possibly in a secret way?
Its frustrating and very upsetting simply because I DIDNT and we are so blessed to be here... it saddens me that they cant share in the 'miracle' of it. Well, I know he thinks its amazing but I think it really is a miracle to have prayed about it and then BAM... twins also run on both sides of our family. Im sure it had a lot to do with some left over hormonal stuff in my system or maybe I just ovulated like this every month? I dunno.

I feel ya. :grouphug:

 

Having twins is very stressful the first couple of month, BTDT. I would try to get some of it resolved before the babies arrive. That may not be easey but I think it would be harder after you have the stress of babies on top of that.

 

Oh, I'm sorry you are going through this ... we are in more of an "ebb" than "flow" right now, too, with a 5 month old and 3 year old twins ... the twins are gonna kill us, I think! Not really, but you know what i mean. They were colicky babies, horrible in the terrible twos and still quite challenging ... but you know, through it all, even though he doesn't show it like I do ... my husband loves our kids ... and yours will, too ... they don't get the in-utero bonding time like we do ... and I really think that it wasn't until the social smiles and etc ... that my husband ever had any kind of feeling towards our new baby ... he was more involved with the twins in infancy just because he HAD to be ... you know ... just keep lines of communication open ... realize that for a few years neither one of you will likely get all that you need ... in my case, I don't get all the "me" time and adult conversation and sympathetic listening from him that I need and he doesn't get all the down time and sex that he needs! But this, too, shall pass and I know that once the kids are older ... we will both get more of what we need to be happy ... and until then just survive! Isn't that so sad! I love my kids so, so much and love being with them but it is just so wearing on you and you guys already know that having had a child already ... lucky for me, when I was PG with the twins we were blissfully ignorant because they were our first ... I was like awwww ... two babies ... how cute! OY! More like ... how loud ... with all the crying!

Hang in there ... he needs to just drop the blame ... you need to drop the guilt ... easier said than done, I know!