Husband frustration

First, I want to say that my dh has been really good during this. Since the twins have been born he has done all the dishes, cooked most meals, and really stepped up withour two older kids (getting them ready for school and reading bedtime stories). Plus, before the twins were born he did none of those things, so this has been a big thing for him.

Well, he has been going on and on about how tired he is. I know he works, but I feel like him being tired is his own fault. The older kids are in bed at nine and I have the twins - thus, he could go to bed at nine if he wanted to. Instead, he states up until 1-2am playing video games or playing on the computer. He doesn't help with nightime feeds or diaper changes - which I don't mind since I nurse at night and there really isn't much he could do at night anyway, but I get so tired of hearing him complain about being "exhausted". He is even using it at work to not do as much - "Sorry, I was up late last night. You know, the new babies and all."

I brought it up to him that he could go to bed earlier and all he says is, "I need to be awake for the midnight feed just in case you need help." I haven't needed help in weeks and he hasn't offered help in weeks (at least not for the midnight, 3am and 6am feeds!) In fact, he told me last weekend that he hates holding babies!

Sorry, I just had to vent a little!

Angel

 

First, I want to say that my dh has been really good during this. Since the twins have been born he has done all the dishes, cooked most meals, and really stepped up withour two older kids (getting them ready for school and reading bedtime stories). Plus, before the twins were born he did none of those things, so this has been a big thing for him.

Well, he has been going on and on about how tired he is. I know he works, but I feel like him being tired is his own fault. The older kids are in bed at nine and I have the twins - thus, he could go to bed at nine if he wanted to. Instead, he states up until 1-2am playing video games or playing on the computer. He doesn't help with nightime feeds or diaper changes - which I don't mind since I nurse at night and there really isn't much he could do at night anyway, but I get so tired of hearing him complain about being "exhausted". He is even using it at work to not do as much - "Sorry, I was up late last night. You know, the new babies and all."

I brought it up to him that he could go to bed earlier and all he says is, "I need to be awake for the midnight feed just in case you need help." I haven't needed help in weeks and he hasn't offered help in weeks (at least not for the midnight, 3am and 6am feeds!) In fact, he told me last weekend that he hates holding babies!

Sorry, I just had to vent a little!

Angel

 

Men....

I think all men do this...even my grandma does this...she stays up and then complains about how tired she is and sleeps in...ummm I thought I came here for some help til dh gets settled?? I do all the night feeds, and get up at the butt crack of dawn to take care of ds and the dds. IM THE ONE WHOSE TIRED! My babies are 8 months and still NOT sleeping through...sorry went a little off there

 

My DH does the same thing. Yes he does help with the feedings and diaper changes during the day but at night I am the one who does it. He will sit in the chair and say how tired he is I say well then go to bed. He will fall asleep in the chair but will not go into bed until I do. Or he'll say what can I do to help and then when I say what he can do he'll say well cant that wait until tomorrow. Okay why ask if when I tell you you dont want to do it. There really isn't much he could help with anyway and for some reason when he does 'help' it just ends up making more work for me. He will start feeding a baby and then fall asleep and the bottle falls so then the baby cries and I have to stop whatever I'm trying to do to go retrieve the fallen bottle, so I might as well just feed them myself. Okay I understand that he is tired and has to work in the morning but then go to bed dont stay up and say its because you are helping and complain about how tired you are.

Sorry for hijacking your thread but just wanted to let you know you are not the only one.

 

He hates holding the babies? How could you hate holding your child? If I were in your position, I would purposly find something for him to do at the midnight feeding every night no matter what. If he is going to complain about being tired and is using it as an excuse at work, then, I would make it be a reality for him, then at least he would be telling the truth when he complains at work! How frustrating for you. My DH pulls this with me sometimes too, it is so irritating!

 

My husband complains, too!!! He complains more about me not being in bed or being too tired to "mess around." I keep telling him if he helped me out a bit more or let me take a nap things would be much better for him.

Plus, I learned not to "ask" him if he will help with the twins. I just hand him one and walk away as fast as I can. If he is up at midnight...let him change them and burp them and you feed them and turn them over to him to have him put them to sleep. I bet he stops complaining real fast!!!

Men...what do you do with them???

 

My dh helps so much with the babies but will also complain about being tired although he sleeps much more than I do.
Most nights he doesn't wake up because I feed one girl after another and they usually go back to sleep immediately. On rare occasion, maybe once a week, they are both up at the same time wanting to eat and will cry till they do so it's really difficult to put the first one to sleep when the second one is crying to be fed. I will wake him up to help with this.
My feeling is that when he says he's tired it really is his way of wanting some encouragement or positive feedback about what a great dad he is (and he is). I think that men these days are really participating so much more than their fathers did that they feel they are really heroes and the complaining is the only way that they can express that.
His complaining has been the source of lots of arguments (I hate whining) but now I try to think what I would want as a response if I said I was tired. I would probably get angry if someone said it's my fault but rather would like to be empathised and made to feel valuable like I've done something important all day.

 

Like your DH mine helps out a lot too. He does anything I ask him and also initiates a lot of things too. I feel like he is the best dad and very caring, but he has one bad habit that DRIVES ME NUTS. He zones out on the t.v. and ignores the girls during feedings and awake time. I constantly remind him to talk to them but he continues to do this. Just last night he had both of them while I fixed dinner and he was watching something on t.v. while one DD was fussing, he would glance at her and say okay, shhh, or hey. I just about lost it and told him to turn the thing off. He tried to say he was talking to her, but I told him saying hey three times is not talk. I swear in every other way he is the best dad, but this drives me absolutely crazy. They are only little/toddlers/tweens/etc. once!!!
Sorry to hijack, but DH's can make you crazy!

 

He will start feeding a baby and then fall asleep and the bottle falls so then the baby cries

Mine does this too. It's usually when it is his middle of the night feeding, and my turn to sleep. That, of course, interrupts my sleep and makes me mad and that wakes me up even more, so why bother letting him help? Because one of these times I'll sleep through his feeding. He once told me it "grumps him out" to help with the feedings- he's never had to do that before (all other 3 were strictly BF). Well, it grumps me out that it grumps him out!

 

Be happy they help. Even if its a little. Once mine realized I could do everything by myself, he basically stopped helping. He thinks that playing with them for ten minutes is his way of helping. He drives me crazy.

 

Wow, sounds like every buddy has a problem with someone here..I mean the last guy i knew that was perfect..we hung him from the cross.

I too work and help my wife with the kids...we feed with formula so I do get to get up at night with just about every feeding. I clean, cook, work and help with the girls. I do not get to take naps during the day when the girls go to sleep and I can not be at 80% during the day as my job is demanding and getting in 10 minute cat naps here and ther does not work. I also have to deal with a wife who is having her body recover from major surgery (C-Section) and I'm sure her hormone level is not normal nor is her emotional state at the time. Plus everyone that comes over wants to know how the baby is doing and the new mommy....so if dad says he is tired..what a jerk...come on ladies...It is new and life changing for us too. I'm sorry, but i think that it might just be your husband as not all men are that bad. I too am very tired and using energy drinks to get through the day. But I am up all night too and not getting in any naps..or any extra attention like the babies and new mommies get. Just a different side of the fence view...let the bashing begin I'm ready.

 

quote:
Originally posted by Team Dougall:
I too am very tired and using energy drinks to get through the day. But I am up all night too and not getting in any naps..or any extra attention like the babies and new mommies get. Just a different side of the fence view...let the bashing begin I'm ready.


New babies in the house are hard on everyone but-sorry- a breastfeeding mother of two who undergoes major surgery and is staying home all day to care for those babies is probably a wee bit more tired (physically and emotionally) then someone who has not had major surgery, is not breastfeeding and gets to leave the house daily for several hours. I have done both- (staying home, breastfeeding, c-section) and I have worked full time and believe me the "naps" (few and far between with twins) and "special attention" hardly made it easier to be the stay at home parent. Just another side of the fence view.

My DH initially didn't get it until I talked to him. He thought that because I wasn't "working" (ha!) I couldn't be nearly as tired as he. He was very wrong.

Then we decided to each be in charge of a baby at night. When your baby woke up you fed, changed and got your baby back to bed. I would breastfeed the baby I was in charge of and DH fed his baby with milk I pumped.

Don't know if this would work for you guys but it helped us and our relationship a great deal. And yes, your DH needs to go to bed earlier if he wants more sleep. You can wake him up for the midnight feeding if need be.

Good luck!!!!

Lisa

 

quote:
Originally posted by Team Dougall:
Wow, sounds like every buddy has a problem with someone here..I mean the last guy i knew that was perfect..we hung him from the cross.

I too work and help my wife with the kids...we feed with formula so I do get to get up at night with just about every feeding. I clean, cook, work and help with the girls. I do not get to take naps during the day when the girls go to sleep and I can not be at 80% during the day as my job is demanding and getting in 10 minute cat naps here and ther does not work. I also have to deal with a wife who is having her body recover from major surgery (C-Section) and I'm sure her hormone level is not normal nor is her emotional state at the time. Plus everyone that comes over wants to know how the baby is doing and the new mommy....so if dad says he is tired..what a jerk...come on ladies...It is new and life changing for us too. I'm sorry, but i think that it might just be your husband as not all men are that bad. I too am very tired and using energy drinks to get through the day. But I am up all night too and not getting in any naps..or any extra attention like the babies and new mommies get. Just a different side of the fence view...let the bashing begin I'm ready.


I have no bashing for you But just wanted to say that I believe that most of the ladies who responded to this are not critisizing( okay I know I spelled that wrong) the fact that their DH's are tired but more the fact that they stay up late on purpose and then complain how tired they are. Now if I decide to sit on the computer or something for a couple of hours after the babies have gone to bed I have no right to complain that I didnt get any sleep. And neither does DH.

BTW just wondering where all of these naps are that I am supposed to be getting because I could really use one right about now.

 

quote:
Originally posted by first_time_mommy_2_be_twins:
[BTW just wondering where all of these naps are that I am supposed to be getting because I could really use one right about now.



HA! I know! I never got a nap because I could never get mine to sleep at the same time.....hope you get one soon!

Lisa

 

I had to laugh at all of these posts!! Men are fools, I swear...Of course, now that I have a boy, I have to stop saying that out
loud soon! ha ha
My husband does the same thing..."Oh, I am so tired"..."I have worked all day"...

He is such a pain. And, when he tries to help, it just makes my job more difficult!? He doesn't burp them, doesn't hear then crying when they are right next to him...on and on.

I read a great quote recently: "Babies do not need fathers, but the mothers do." Men are better at doing the chores and giving back rubs instead of helping with the babies. I need my husband to clean the bottles, take out the trash, etc.

 

quote:
Originally posted by veggiehead:
He is such a pain. And, when he tries to help, it just makes my job more difficult!? He doesn't burp them, doesn't hear then crying when they are right next to him...on and on.


Wow so my DH is not the only one who cannot hear a screaming baby 2 feet away from him.

 

I watch in amazement sometimes when he is sitting there next to them while they scream away!?!

 

Its called selective hearing.

But seriously, I have begun to teach myself how to selectively hear. This is awful, but at night sometimes I pretend that I am sleeping too hard to hear the babies crying, so DH has to get up. I started doing this after he was laid off and home all day. Well it worked because now he gets up with them and finally knows what the last 5 months was like for me.

 

Okay, I have to agree a bit..if the husband is up watching TV and playing games instead of banking sleeping hours..then that is his fault but he is entitled to spend his time as he likes. But then let him complain why not...but if you girls are letting him get away with not feeding or changing or getting up at night..I don't blame him. I mean fine maybe he isn't the kind of a guy I am..and I am not like them so I am not saying I am better or that they are...but men are grown kids...we will get away with as much as you let us. And if they can't find it in their fatherly hearts to attend to their kids...and you let them get away with not attending to it..well..I'm not sure who is to blame. But again...when he asked you to marry him...you are the one that said yes...I assumed you knew the man well before you had kids with him...was none of this talked about before getting prego? I ask because I knew when we were told twins on the way that it would be a two man job...and I actually want to be hands on with the girls...LOL..I get poop on my hands at time..Yuck...I almost always have a burp cloth over my shoulder...now don't get me wrong...the twins are watching the football game with me every week...but my wife knew that i was going to be a big help as we talked about it....we are a team...all four of us.

 

I wish we were all a team - me and the kids are but my husband
is the cheerleader that broke a nail! he can't hear our twins from 2 feet away - and he just announced that next week he will be leaving on a business trip that he VOLUNTEERED for - our girls are 1 week old - my c-section incision is infected - and we have 3 other kids-
thanks honey! he will be gone several states away for 2 weeks!

 

It stinks, but I have had to turn down serveral offers on Chicago Bears playoff tickets this week..I just bought a new house in July, now a mini van in Oct. and two new mouths to feed...plus my wife needs the help and I would be gone from the house for 12 hours..plus when I got home I would not be much help...so I have had to turn down the game...a couple of times....It hurts very much...but..my life can not stay tyhe same as it was 6 weeks ago..I now have twins and something are going to change...going to any game I want at a drop of a hat..well that is one of them as I am seeing now. But every guy is different. The wife said I could go if i wanted...but I know I would then be totally sticking it to her wit hthe kids...somethings have got to give. Let just hope the team wins...Bears win the Super Bowl the same year my twins are born...I can't ask for much more then that.

 

quote:
Originally posted by Heathermomof5:
I wish we were all a team - me and the kids are but my husband
is the cheerleader that broke a nail! he can't hear our twins from 2 feet away - and he just announced that next week he will be leaving on a business trip that he VOLUNTEERED for - our girls are 1 week old - my c-section incision is infected - and we have 3 other kids-
thanks honey! he will be gone several states away for 2 weeks!


I'm sorry, but WHAT? You had a c-section, that means you HAVE to have help. Tell him no, and tell him he's in for a serious reality check! I can't even believe this!!!

 

Team Dougall....can I just say that if things don't work out in your little heaven over there...you can come on over to my house hon. I got a cute set of twinkies that would LOVE to have you attend to them.



I applaud you, you sound like a great dad.

 

Mine is the same. At the start he did nothing to help at all. I did everything he would walk into a room see me feeding the babies and say he had something else to do. I did every single night feed bar about 4 and he would still complain that he could hear me get up in the middle of the night!!!! He didnt like to hold babies or be around them and i just got fed up of asking him to do stuff. Now he is much better he likes to bath them at night and will help make bottles and play with them for a short while (which is a real achievment!) I would still love him to do more but untill then i will keep working on him untill he breaks!!! x

 

quote:
I mean fine maybe he isn't the kind of a guy I am


Most men are NOT like you. I am lucky to be able to say that my DH is, he's a great help. My dad, however, said to him recently "why are you even getting up at all at night? You work, you should make her do it all." Thank goodness my husband realizes that twins are a much different story than 1 baby.
I know what a non-helping dad is, I grew up with one. My mom did everything when I was growing up and had dinner on the table every night when my dad came home from work. If dinner was late for whatever reason he was sitting at the table drumming his fingers. He would never dream of going out to pick something up, or help to get supper started. Don't get me wrong, he was a great dad but I now wonder what kind of a husband he was. He felt that his responsibility began and ended with bringing home a paycheck and there are lots of men who still feel that way. I can't count the times I heard him say "That's women's work."

 

Some men are really uncomfortable around babies, I know my dad is. He won't even play with my kids until they're 18 months. But once they get old enough he really warms up to them. Before that they are blobs that have to be held a certain way, fed a certain way, dressed a certain way in cute matching outfits, and cry for no reason (that they can fathom anyway) The worse part is that if our DH's don't hold them the right way, feed them the right way, dress them the right way (we all know men have no fashion sense, why do we expect them to know that this shirt does not go with those pants?) then we swoop by meaning to help and make them feel like they are doing it all wrong.

Personally I don't think caring for infants comes naturally to most men, that's why I go out of my way to make sure that Mike gets a boost of confidence from me. If he's sitting right next to a crying baby, I poke my head in the room and say "I think he's hungry, could you change his diaper for me while I finish these dishes, then I'll feed him? Thanks, I really appreciate that." What did I just do? I let him know why the baby was crying so he wouldn't get frustrated when the crying continued, I let him help me and I let him know that he is appreciated.

Heathermomof5 - Seriously? If my DH did that I'd offer him "free airfare". I'd drop-kick his sorry butt so hard he'd land 2 states away!

 

I didn't know this was going to turn into this long of a thread!

Team - my husband and I have been married for a long time now. Neither one of us is really the person we married. People change over time. I love my husband very much, but I wish I had the person I married back - as I am sure he does as well. He stated he really wanted children and I thought he would be a great father - then we had kids. Everything changed! His "I am an only child and need all the attention," came screaming through. He then stated, "I never wanted kids." That suprised me since when I married him he said he always wanted a big family and he would work with me to make sure that happened (I had problems so there was a question as to if I would ever have children.) Thus, for me things changed. Then you toss in there years of infertility treatments (which changed who I was), a late pregnancy loss (which really changed who I was), followed by the birth of an autistic child - we both changed.

Heather - I had that with my second child. We had a two year old autistic son and a newborn, my incision wouldn't close so I had this gapping infected spot on belly, and a one week old when my husband flew to Colorodo for two weeks for work!

Well, must go.

Angel

 

quote:
Originally posted by Gabe, Evie, Allison, and Elouise's mama:
His "I am an only child and need all the attention," came screaming through.
Angel


I wouldn't let him play that card! My husband and I both are only children, and we both pitch in. Not that I don't have complaints (I could have my OWN long-running thread on the subject! hahahah!). But being an only child does NOT mean you can't understand children come first.

I wish you luck! I know how frustrating a dh can be! Just don't put up with any crap from him. The tired thing I get all the time too, and I am sorry but I get FAR less sleep than dh does. Men just like to act like martyrs. Please!