husband and I arguing all the time

Hi There,

I thought I would just post a note because I really need to vent. I've got month old twins and a toddler at home. For the past few weeks my dh and I have been arguing non-stop and we rarely argued before. I've been in such a bad mood all the time and him as well.

The other day when he came home from work he was ticked at the dinner i was starting to prepare... Whining, " why do we have to have that? ". I totally lost it. Then he clarified saying he just hated to clean up... but I couldn't get over it still . Then he mentioned that he thought my situation was relatively easy and he wished he got more thanks for going to work everyday. I'm personally finding this the most challenging thing ever and I'm bitter that he doesn't appreciate it. At least you get some breaks when you're at work! We've got some major communication problems going on here.

Is anyone else going through this? Will it get any easier as time goes on? I'm seriously worried about the future of my marriage... If this continues for a long time, it's going to lead to some big problems. I'm really scared... The thought of my husband is starting to make me feel mad and that's not a good thing!

 

This is definitely a hard time for both of you. My dh and I were the same way, fighting all the time when we rarely did pre-babies. It did get better for us, but is still not great and we're working on it. Just try and "talk" as much as you can rather than fight and if it continues to escalate, maybe counseling will help you get through this rough period to help each other adjust to your new life.

 

I hate to say it, But DH and I are still fighting and the babies are 4 months old. I totally understand the whole going to work/staying home arguement. I made DH stay home with all the kids.. (i have 3 as well) and he has not said anything since. The babies just cry when i leave... (I guess they love their mommy!! )
But i also dont bring up the fact that DH gets breaks at work.. He leaves the house at 515am and doesnt get home until 9pm. He works hard so that i can stay at home.

It does get better.. We dont fight as much, but i do get really b*tchy because i am the one who gets no sleep and i am the one who does everything at home. You need to find a way to get DH to understand that you dont have time to clean and cook and take care the 3 kids. Its a tough job and we dont get breaks!

Goodluck!

 

Has he ever had the kids by himself on the weekends? My husband knows how hard it is to be alone with the girls and get up with them multiple times at night ... then have to do it all over again the next day (and we just have the 2 ... I can't imagine a toddler at home!). I know how hard it must be for him to leave them everyday (even though they are hard!) and how hard it is for him to work all day then come home and help me with the kids until 8 or so when they are in bed.

I think the mutual respect and consideration for each other's situation is what helps us most. Now don't get me wrong ... last night at 2AM we were arguing over letting our girls CIO ... he wants to so we are b/c I am so frustrated that I have decided to concede ... so we get in our fair share ... but for the most part, we just try to appreciate what the other does. He cooks a lot, he takes care of paying the bills, he rolls the trash can and recycling out every tuesday ... I do all the laundry, dishes, cleaning of bathrooms and dusting ... most of the care of the girls ... we just each try and do what we can while our lives are so topsy turvy with twins. My mantra is that this is "not our new lifestyle ... it is temporary" and it makes me feel better.

Also, we have hired a college girl to come and help out a few times a week so I can have some "me time" ... it works wonders. Sometimes I leave the house and sometimes I don't ... but it is nice to have her and soon I think we will be able to leave her with them and go on a date ...

Also, this may sound strange, or TMI ... but have sex even if you don't really want to ... it makes wonders of difference in my marriage ... even if I have to MAKE myself sometimes. It makes him happier and us closer and him more willing to help me with the girls (i.e. if she is more rested ...).

One more thing that has helped us ... I don't hover or micromanage (anymore =) I used to ... really bad ... and it made him feel like he did everything wrong and it made him not even want to help me ... so now, I just let him do things his way and you know what?! 9 times out of 10 ... he figures it out on his own.

Anyway, twins are hard and stressful ... I think it is best for each of you to drop the "who is right and who is wrong" and have a real heart to heart about each other's struggles and see how they can be fixed (i.e. the babysitter for me ... the sex for him ... )

 

My issue with the working party is that they get to take a break and go get lunch (that they only have to worry about themselves for) and they get to run into a store to grab a soda or a coffee etc. without even THINKING about it!

Yes, there are great stresses in being the sole breadwinner! It's all just a different point of view.

I would suggest leaving for just a few hours (go get your hair cut etc.) over the weekend (maybe after you've asked him what HE wants for dinner a couple times and about his day after work - butter him up a little - can't hurt!) and tell him you are desperate to get your hair cut, you'll feel like a new person. Then when you get home, see where he is in the "it's not so hard" if you want to be mean, do it so you get home at like 6:00 so that he has to live through the 5:00 hr!!!

We had more fights and we are NOT fighters at all! We hashed a few things out and I had to realize how much he was doing to keep our house running before I could let go of some of my resentment. He had to realize that it's HARD to take care of babies.

Good luck!! :hug99:

 

We had this some when the twins were first born too. We've been getting better sleep lately and DH and I have gotten better. It's hard when you're sleep deprived and seriously busy! We have just the twins, so could only imagine. I hope it gets better soon :hug99: .

 

I think it would help if you worked out some way to split responsibilities. He does need to see what you go through. But, it is very big in the male mind to be looked up for being the provider, fighting off the wild animals for the sake of his family -- all that stuff.

Maybe you could spend a Saturday each month doing errands ALONE, things he might normally handle now, like oil changes. It would get you out of the house and keep him in it some :icon_biggrin: .

I think it's completely do-able for him to be in charge of most dinners. Get a crock-pot and set him loose! He could start dinner before he leaves for work and you could all (or each) eat from it that night.

You are at such an overwhelming stage right now. At that point, I felt like talking at all was a waste of time, when I could be sleeping. But you do need to work out what your family means by SAHM. The "m" is for mom NOT maid!
Remind him that what you are doing is a decision you BOTH made for the good of the FAMILY. Child rearing is your first priority and those who can fend for themselves and didn't just give birth come at the bottom of the list.

On the other hand, I have to tell you I was the parent who returned pretty soon to a job while DH stayed at home with the girls. -- twins were 14 weeks old. It was h3ll. I don't have the kind of job that you could consider a stress reliever. I work with demanding kids in an understaffed environment and didn't get paid those first two months because I'd used up all my sick leave days (can you see how close that is to being a SAHM :winking0009: . I did little things for DH, like making a sandwich or leftover plate he could grab quickly for lunch, laying out clothes for the girls - just to keep his stress level down.



We both had the girls alone a lot, because when I got home he left to work. I had them for the grumpy part of the day, with fixing supper, baths, cleaning up, getting ready for bed. I have to admit I resented it if I came home to stacks of dirty dishes in the sink he'd left for me (especially when his parents were here for extended visits). In my depressed at working, still hormonal mind, he got to spend the whole day having fun with MY babies, I got to juggle them and all the evening chores. But like a PP said, I kept telling myself it was just how things had to be then.

Please carve out some time for the two of you to talk. Men tend to be action-oriented, so have some concrete suggestions ready to hand him. And be prepared to give him something in return. It may be "romantic attention" or something else. I'd also have to remind him (because I'm just mean that way) that tantrums are expected from the children, but adults are expected to buck up and handle it.

Good luck!

 

We had this issue as well, it all came to a head at about 2 1/2 months and things have been much better since. I think that on top of the stress of meeting the needs of twinfants, the intense sleep deprivation, that we were dealing with alot of change all at once. Once we laid out new ground rules, and what was expected out of each of us things have gotten so much better. Now when DH comes home I say "do you want to watch the babies or cook dinner". It helps to that at least one of us gets a full night sleep as only DD is up at night now, I take her during the week (as I only work partime) and DH takes her on the weekends.

 

Great suggestions from pps! We've been having similar problems here. I think it is completely normal. I've heard "experts" say that having a baby is one of the biggest strains you can put on even a very happy marriage, so imagine what having two babies does!

What has worked wonders here has been showing appreciation for one another. Of course I had to be the bigger person to start this, and trust me it wasn't easy <_< , but someone suggested this strategy and I figured I'd suck it up and at least try it. I sent my husband an e-mail at work thanking him for supporting our family, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, changing diapers and all of the other things he DOES do, no matter how small. I made sure I told him everything I did appreciate (I think it helps to be specific.) I also told him how much I miss "us."

I really didn't expect much to come of this, but he wrote me back with the most wonderful e-mail in return thanking ME for all that I do! AND he has been helping out more! Ever since that I am much more consistent in showing him appreciation for what he does, I thank him whenever he does something to help, and it has really helped our relationship. I guess you get what you give, complaining = more complaining, appreciation = more appreciation. I could get all philosophical and start talking about the law of attraction, but this probably isn't the forum for that... lol!

Anyway, FWIW, this is what has helped us....

 

I have not read to PP's but I send you big hugs. I will say that my DH and I have been going through the same thing but our twins are now 7 mos. It is like once everything got easier (which it does) with them, we started picking on eachother.

This may not be the most politically correct thing to say but I have found if I just kiss my DH's you know what for a few days he magically becomes nicer and more "pliable" to work with KWIM? This requires a lot of bitinng the bullet so to speak but makes everything much better in the long run. If I have to I try to "daydream" about our first days together (5 years ago) and the reasons that I fell in love with him in the first place. I then literally kiss his bum for a bit (even if it makes me cringe and I don't agree with him) and he really does become more appreciative and wonderful. I think they are sort of like kids and if they feel like they are not getting the kind of attention they want then they sort of act up.

I hope you find something that works for you - this is what is working for us.

Amy

 

the hardest year of our marriage was the first year with our first ...... we both laugh about it now and joke that since we had so many fights back then we should never haveto worry now... but we do argue from time to time and usually its just time for me to give him so attention (sex) and then he is good to go and takes care of me like doing the dishes and getting up with the kids...

hugs ... good luck and I hope it all gets better ..remember to talk about it and make sure you are connection ...