Husband and being a Stay at Home Mom

When I was a SAHM with my son for the first 3 years, I felt my husband thought I didn't do anything all day. I went back to work for two years (teaching), then just had my girls May 10th. I am staying at home again. I am already feeling like my hubby thinks, once again, I am not doing enough all day, except this time, he also wants my son to have constant entertainment. I am so angry! He thinks I am just being overly sensitive. Three examples are:

Two weeks ago, I asked him to stay up for the late night feeding (being 9pm, 10pm, or 11pm depending on the schedule for the day) occasionally so I can go to sleep early and get up at the next feeding. His response was (after doing it twice), "Well I was telling the guys at work why I was a little tired (after an 11pm feeding) and they said why doesn't she just nap during the day". I asked how I was supposed to do that with my 5 year old (who no longer takes a nap).

Last week (week 4 after a c-section), he asked if I "had time", since it was a nice day, I could take my son out and mow the backyard (1/4 acre).

Today, after my son has spent a whole weekend at his grandparents outside and in the pool w/ my hubby all day yesterday, asked what I was doing today. I told him he was looking at it. He had the nerve to say that he didn't want my son watching a "bunch of TV" today. WHAT!?!?! First of all, my son is fine. He has a pool, a brand new Rainbow playset, as well as a Jeep, a bike, a scooter, numerous toys, and a dog to play with. I already feel bad that his summer will be a little boring (he's 5 and starting K in the fall), but that is life. I have two babies who are not on any type of schedule and who are up at night. Guess who gets up with them??? ME!

I have talked to several other women whose men do the same thing. How can I get my hubby to get it? It makes me want to go back to work (although I would never do that to my girls). I feel like I live in 1950 instead of 2007. What's worse is that he is going to start telecommuting to work 2 or 3 days a week. I don't know if I can stand having him home that much!

 

:hug99: I'm sorry that he just doesn't get it! You work so hard!

Also, I wanted to say, :sign0016: to TS! Congratulations on your baby girls!


I encourage you to join our Big Sister program. We will match you with a mom of twins that will help answer some of your questions and most of all be there for support through your journey with twins. Click on the link in my signature for more info. It is a great program!

 

Maybe having him home he will realize exactly what goes on in a day. Can you make up a reason you just "have to go here" and leave him with all 3 for a couple of hours? That might show him the challenges you face. :hug99:

 

I agree. I would come up with something that you HAD to go to for a couple of hours and leave him with all 3 of the kids. This way he will get a little insight into what you do. My dh has never said that I didnt do enough or leave me a "honey-to-do" list but when the girls were only a few months old, I had a doctor's apt and it happened to be right in the middle of a feed and a nap. I was gone for about 2 hours and when I got back you could see the stress on his face and all he kept saying all day was "how do you do it all day?". From that day on, he has never questioned me when I say I am too tired or why I didnt get laundry done that day.

Good luck to you, I can imagine how hard it is caring for infant twins and a 5 y/o with you doing all the night feedings and then having a dh that doesnt understand how exhausting taking of children can be...

 

QUOTE(MichelleL @ Jun 18 2007, 01:15 PM) [snapback]296485[/snapback]
Maybe having him home he will realize exactly what goes on in a day. Can you make up a reason you just "have to go here" and leave him with all 3 for a couple of hours? That might show him the challenges you face. :hug99:

Ditto!! The only for him to "get it" it to do it himself. Take your time getiing back...

 

My husband doesn't question me either he knows it's hard. I am sorry yours doesn't understand. :hug99:

I was also going to suggest you leaving the house by yourself and leaving him home alone with all three kids for a few hours. Just tell him you need a break and you need/want to go do something on your own. Make sure you don't help him out either by phone calls he may be calling you about too. Then maybe he will understand how hard it is. Oh and his co workers probably don't have twins so it's not like a singleton where it's easier to get around and do things, Especially the sleeping while the baby sleeps. Both babies don't always sleep at the same time.

 

I'm sorry he doesn't "get it" but maybe he will when he starts working from home. It's actually not too bad having your dh work from home. My dh does it and it's nice to ask him for a hand every once in a awhile.

My dh knows I work hard as a sahm but I don't think he really got it until I started wearing a pedometer. I averaged 15-16,000 steps a day, which more than beat his average of 4000 steps, so he really understood how wiped out I was after that.

 

Honestly, I think the only way he will ever "get it" is to do it. I would take a Saturday or Sunday and just say, you have to stay with the kids today cause I have some things to do. It would be nice if you had a shower or something that you needed to attend cause then you could volunteer to go help giving you more time away. If there is a good excuse that you can give him where you have something you have to do (that takes the better part of the whole day) and you can't take the kids with you, that will force him to have to stay with them all day. Leave a list of all the things that need to be done (things that you do during the day) and go have a good time. I have a feeling that he may feel a bit different when you get back. Don't forget to ask what he did with the kids all day. Bet you anything he will find that the t.v. is his best friend in the whole world. Oh and make sure that if you have family around (especially his), that they are not involved in this "experiment." It's such a shame that there are still so many dads out there who just don't get how freaking exhausting and difficult it is. It down right makes me angry!! If that doesn't work, bring him on the Dr. Phil show.

 

Thanks for the ears (eyes really). It is frustrating because he knows how hard it is because on the weekends I take naps and he's got the kids! I don't know if he thinks weekdays are easier or what!

 

This weekend - make him watch the girls for a day while you, "Spend quality time" with your son. Use his own words against him. That may sound nasty - but having TWO BABIES IS NOTHING LIKE HAVING ONE! The only way guys get it is by experiencing it.

My husband has been very good since the girls have been born. He doesn't even complain about the house being a mess or dinner being something easy, but he still doesn't get it.

I am sorry you are going through this! I would like to say it gets better - but my girls are seven plus months old and it really hasn't gotten any better - just harder.

Angel

 

I have had that talk with my dh probably every week since the babies were born. I mean last night I called him a jerk over it. I clearly explained that my job is a SAHmother not a SAHwife. This means, babies and kids are my priorities not cleaning or anything else as we split that 50/50. I work just as hard at being a mother than he does at his job! Some men maybe will never get it!

 

I think that he needs AT LEAST a whole day with all three kids. In fact leave him with the kids and say - "if you have time could you mow the lawn."

My husband gets it - but he still wonders what I do during naps. I have explained o him that 10 minutes with 2 fussy 11 month olds id more draining than 10 hours of work. I say leave him with the kids every chance you get along with some chores - he'll figure it out!

 

Forget 3 hours, make him care for the kids for one entire day. Then see what he has to say about it. My hubby stays alone with the girls for a couple hours at a time, and he can hardly handle it, so he knows not to mess with me.

 

When my husband gives me a "to do" list, I make sure I get those things done first before I do any housework or cooking. Obviously I have 6 kids, so they have to be cared for first. Often other things will suffer, like housework or dinner. I always call him at work and let him know if there will be no dinner or a late dinner or that I couldn't get whatever the job was done. The other thing is that I will be more tired than usual because the only time I can do a "to do" list is during the babies' naps which means no nap for me which means early to bed for me which means no you-know-what for him!! LOL. I have found that by trying to meet his requests, I have a much more thoughtful and sympathetic husband who tries very hard to help me in any way he can. When I get grouchy and complain all the time, he just gets annoyed and less likely to help.

 

I would keep a journal next to me one day - all day. I would write down in detail exactly what you did all day. It sounds like a pain in the a$$, but you will then be able to shove it at him and say, I guarantee you were not a quarter as busy as I was all day. This makes me irate sometimes, when my DH acts like "oh it's so easy, how hard can holding babies be" . It really sucks that he doesn't see how many times a day I clean the kitchen only to have it messed up again by the next meal. All he knows is that when he gets home its clean. I actually think that he thinks it stays that way all day. Sorry buddy, that kitchen's been cleaned more times today than I can count!!! I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes we make it look too easy to them! Maybe we should all plan a revolt one day and really do nothing so that they see what we actually do. Do they really think we just stick our kids in front of the TV all day and go back to sleep or something. Give me a break. I'll climb off my soapbox for now and just let you know that I'm sending you lots of :hug99: . Hang in there, the smiles and laughs I get from my boys are all I need to justify that I must be doing something right!!!


Carrie

 

QUOTE(dhub @ Jun 18 2007, 09:51 AM) [snapback]296552[/snapback]
Thanks for the ears (eyes really). It is frustrating because he knows how hard it is because on the weekends I take naps and he's got the kids! I don't know if he thinks weekdays are easier or what!


omg!!! that is sooooooooooooooooo not the same thing. watching the kids for a couple of hours while you are sleeping under the same roof doesn't even come close to being with them ALL day. He doesn't really know how hard it is because if things ever got to be more than he could handle he could easily rely on you to be there. Also, keeping them entertained and content for a couple of hours is nothing like keeping them that way all day long. Trust me, if he has never spent the WHOLE day with them, he doesn't know how hard it is.

 

Sounds like your DH needs a huge reality check. I would reserve a day for him to stay at home with all 3 children during the day so he can get a feel for what it is truly like.

Hang in there :hug99:

 

My DH had to take care of all of us the first couple of weeks after I had my twins so he knows how hard it is. He forgets sometimes though and like PP mentioned, I would go do an errand on my own and leave them alone with him and he would remember what it is like and why somedays I get nothing done around the house. I prefer to leave them with him during their fussy period in the evening to drive my point home. lol Evil I know, but he gets the idea quickly.

 

QUOTE(angie7 @ Jun 18 2007, 01:25 PM) [snapback]296500[/snapback]
I agree. I would come up with something that you HAD to go to for a couple of hours and leave him with all 3 of the kids. This way he will get a little insight into what you do. My dh has never said that I didnt do enough or leave me a "honey-to-do" list but when the girls were only a few months old, I had a doctor's apt and it happened to be right in the middle of a feed and a nap. I was gone for about 2 hours and when I got back you could see the stress on his face and all he kept saying all day was "how do you do it all day?". From that day on, he has never questioned me when I say I am too tired or why I didnt get laundry done that day.

Good luck to you, I can imagine how hard it is caring for infant twins and a 5 y/o with you doing all the night feedings and then having a dh that doesnt understand how exhausting taking of children can be...


I have to agree completely with the comments above. I can't imagine having other children and the twins. Way to go Supermom!

 

I agree with PP's...your hubby needs to have some first hand experience of what it's like to take care of 2 babies & an older child all day. It only took about 2 hours b/f my hubby "got it". He never really complained but ever since that first time I went to get my hair done I hear lots of things like "I don't know how you do it...I could never manage". Try it!!

 

I could have written this post (except my son is 4!). I have left my husband home with the all 3 kids and I come home and have 3x the amount of work to do. I have school 2 nights a week and last night I came home and the dishwasher wasn't emptied, the sink was full, there was an empty formula pitcher in the fridge, 4 bottles on the counter needing to be rinsed out, toys everywhere, the superyard in the family room, etc. All 3 did have a bath, though! :banana: But he gave the babies cheerios after the bath, so they were messy and needed new pjs. They don't get it and I don't think they will, unless they become the SAHM!

 

I don't want to repeat the pp, but seriously he needs a clue about what taking care of two infants and a toddler is all about! My twins are our first children, but my DH is very involved. Actually when the girls were 9 weeks old I went away for 3 days (my 10 year college reunion!) and DH was home alone with them. It was a great experience for him to have a daddy weekend with them and also for him to realize why things around the house don't always get done. He had a great weekend, but commented on how all the regular 'chores' had to be postponed so he could do the 'baby chores' (laundry/bottle prep/etc).

If you can, you should try to arrange for a girls weekend or something- even if its just 24 hours at a friends house for pizza, movies and do it yourself pedicures (if money is tight) or the real thing if you can splurge! Pitch it as an opportunity for him to bond with his kids and for you to recharge. Good luck, Leighann

 

I just don't get it .... I told my honey that I understand he is gone all day working hard physical labor and doesn't get back until 6-630 at night, after the kids are down or almost down for the night. I asked him why, when his "job" is done for the day and my "job" of being a SAHM is done when the kids go to sleep (of which I then work overtime since I am the one who gets up with them at night), how come when both of our "jobs" are done and its free time, it is then expected that I will load the dishwasher, fold laundry, etc. while he gets to watch TV and pass out??? His response was, I'm home all day, I should be getting some of that done during the day!!! :angry:

 

DH spent a lot of time with the babies when they were little. In fact, I went back to work after 12 weeks. He "worked" from home 3 days a week. We had a feeling that I would quit my job to stay home, so he filled in the gap during that time. Ever since then, he NEVER questions what I do during the day. I hope that you have a chance to let DH spend time with the kids, but I wouldn't let set up the situation with the attitude of "Well, let's see if you can do it". Hopefully, he would want to spend time with them and the feelings would be a natural by-product that would work to prove the point without you needing to point it out, KWIM?

Also, I told him that I felt that being a SAHM meant that I did the majority of the household chores. Frankly, I am a germphobe and clean obsessively, but whatever...I digress. He mows the grass and takes the trashcans to the driveway. Oh, he runs the sprinklers most of the time, but I do the rest. He has it good these days....

 

I'm sorry. :hug99: Like you said, what you're going through happens to a lot of women. It's like the guys just don't understand how much work it take to take care of a baby. You'd think after being tired of staying up to give the girls their late night feeding your DH would realize that maybe that's how you feel all day. I'm lucky in that my DH works at home with me so he is in charge of the kids sometimes and he realizes that working is actually a bit easier than taking care of the babies.

 

QUOTE(dhub @ Jun 18 2007, 01:08 PM) [snapback]296478[/snapback]
Last week (week 4 after a c-section), he asked if I "had time", since it was a nice day, I could take my son out and mow the backyard (1/4 acre).


I can't believe he even asked you to mow the lawn!!! you shouldn't even be vacuuming until after 6 weeks PP w/ a C-section. and vacuumes are lighter than lawn mowers. how rude!

I agree w/ those that say to leave him w/ all the kids all day. too bad you can't do that for about a month! then he'd really get it! there's nothing like doing it every day for a lot of days to make you understand what it's really like to care for twinfants.

I hope he gets it soon!
:hug99:
Michelle

 

I've seen a show called "moms on strike" . Dad's get to stay home with children and mom's go to a spa for a couple days. Its quite amusing to watch. Its a wake up call for most of the fathers.Husbands dont realize what a Big job it is to take care of the kids plus keep the house clean and have dinner for them when they get home.They think we just sit around watching soaps.lol

 

QUOTE(MichelleL @ Jun 18 2007, 01:15 PM) [snapback]296485[/snapback]
Maybe having him home he will realize exactly what goes on in a day. Can you make up a reason you just "have to go here" and leave him with all 3 for a couple of hours? That might show him the challenges you face. :hug99:



DITTO!!!
He needs to walk in your shoes for a few hours to realize what you do all day.