how to say no to spending the night w/o hurting feelings

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by naomi02, Mar 14, 2009.

  1. naomi02

    naomi02 Well-Known Member

    My sil just moved to a new place, right on the river. Her backyard opens up to the river, not 50 ft from the house. I took the kids over for breakfast this morning & they rode bikes on the deck....I was a nervous wreck the whole time, making sure nobody left the deck. Anyway, sil loves her new place & was showing me these alarms she got for the sliding door that opens onto the deck.......her dd is 3. She seemed to think that was safe enough, but I know what a sound sleeper she is & that alarm would not wake her. She just moved in, but so far no safety locks on the door.

    Her dd spent the night with us last night for the 1st time, so as we were leaving my sil tells the kids "You guys can come spend the night with us soon." Dh & I had already talked about it, before I'd even seen the house, and agreed we didn't want the kids to spend the night. It's not just the river.....she's been known to have a few drinks to many & still drive. With her kids!! Almost every time they come over, her dd is 1/2 out of her carseat. Last summer, we were camping with dh's family & decided to go down the road for pizza one night.......while I was getting dressed, sil and mil loaded up all the kids in her truck and left before us. WITHOUT the carseats!!!!! I about came unglued. For some reason, they thought b/c it was a rural road & it was only about a mile it was ok. :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: So, it's kind of a general lack of concern for safety that has me thinking no, I don't want them to spend the night.

    Dh & I were thinking if she asked, we'd come up with some kind of excuse or just invite my niece to spend the night here instead. But how long can you keep that up? I'm certain that if we told her our real reasons, she'd freak out, wouldn't believe us & then not speak to us for months. Today actually was the 1st time in about 3 weeks that she's spoken to me after I got a little upset that she was cussing & using the C-word in front of my kids!
     
  2. moski

    moski Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I would just say that you don't know that the kids are ready for a "sleepover" and you want to keep them in their regular routine. If that doesn't work, maybe you could make it a family campout(well, an indoor campout) and you and your hubby can go over, too. Get some pizzas, hang out and then you are there for your kids.
     
  3. mnellson

    mnellson Well-Known Member

    I agree with PP about saying they're not ready yet. You can also say that YOU'RE not ready yet. You can say that even though they are getting bigger, you would just have a very hard time letting them go. I would even mention the river (just to get THAT out in the open). I wouldn't make it the focus, but I would say even with the alarms, it still makes you nervous. "Oh, I'm a big worry wart!" type of answer. I would blame it all on myself and not being able to let go!

    I might also mention that you don't plan on letting them spend the night anywhere for a long time! (Maye she will get the hint and not ask).

    I can't believe your car seat story! I would freak, too!

    A few summers ago, MIL was watching the girls while DH and I went to a wedding. She wanted to take them to her friend's house on a lake. I said "NO WAY!". She was mad, but I didn't care. I just had to be honest and say that I just wasn't comfortable. It was awkward, but whatever! I'm not going to do it just to avoid and uncomfortable situitation.

    Good luck!

    (Oh, and shame on SIL for using such a nasty word in fron of kids!!!!!!!!!)
     
  4. naomi02

    naomi02 Well-Known Member

    Well, unfortunately I can't say they're not ready. When sil was living with her mom, the kids spent the night at Grandma's a few times. So, she was there & obviously knows they did fine. But, it was Grandma's house (who I totally trust) and she happens to live next door to us. If I tell sil that they're not ready, or I'm not ready she'll probably say "But you let them spend the night at Mom's". <_<
     
  5. seamusnicholas

    seamusnicholas Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    I would even mention the river (just to get THAT out in the open). I wouldn't make it the focus, but I would say even with the alarms, it still makes you nervous. "Oh, I'm a big worry wart!" type of answer. I would blame it all on myself and not being able to let go!


    I think I would say that. We went to SIL house last year who lives in Fl. She has a pool. We were sooo paranoid the whole trip. I never would have been able to leave them there without us. And I trust SIL 100% but we feel anyone could get distracted for just 1 second.
     
  6. ktfan

    ktfan Well-Known Member

    I think you're just going to have to put the real reasons out there and if she gets mad, that's on her. You could start by just telling her that the water so close makes you nervous and you wouldn't be comfortable without you being there. If, God forbid, something happens, you don't want anyone else feeling responsible, etc. If she doesn't go for that and digs deeper, you can say that she has more relaxed views of supervision/safety/however you want to word it than you do and you'd rather not leave them with her at this point. Good luck!
     
  7. Leighann

    Leighann Well-Known Member

    If it were my DH's sister, I would have him talk to her! He could even 'blame it on my overprotectiveness' but I totally agree with you that I would not feel comfortable in that situation.
     
  8. jenn-

    jenn- Well-Known Member

    I would play the river card. That is enough to make me nervous. My MIL has a pool and it took her getting an enclosed patio structure for me to feel comfortable having anyone other than DD over during the summer. A couple of years ago I finally convinced her to get a pool cover for the winter, which came before the closed patio. Tell her when she is ready to put up a large privacy fence with a locking gate, you will consider it and hope it is not for a few more years.
     
  9. beemer

    beemer Well-Known Member

    I don't think there is an easy way to do it. You just have to get it out there and hope for the best. At least it sounds like DH supports you and you guys made the decision together. I think your SIL will feel hurt that you don't trust her, but your kids' safety should be your #1 priority and if you feel that it is unsafe stick to your guns. Don't ever feel bad about putting your kids safety 1st. I would tell her that being so close to the water makes you really nervous. Anything could happen in the blink of an eye to even the most vigilent of people.

    I know it is a tough situation. Good luck in whatever you decide.
     
  10. debid

    debid Well-Known Member

    I'd tell her that the water proximity worries you and then I'd make a point of taking your kids for supervised visits so they can practice staying away from the river. Perhaps even buy her a sliding door lock for a housewarming gift.

    We live on a lake and there are no fences. We've been practicing respecting the yard boundaries since they could toddle. Neither child has ever gone past the water marker (it's a small sign in the yard). We do have flip locks on all doors leading outside so I can make it impossibe to go out without me knowing. That really helped during the reckless toddler phase.

    Honestly, I worry more about taking my kids to someone's home if they live on a through street than I do about the lake because my kids aren't used to cars driving near their play area. It's all about what they know.
     
  11. Anne-J

    Anne-J Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    I think you're just going to have to put the real reasons out there and if she gets mad, that's on her.


    I agree with this.
     
  12. BellaRissa

    BellaRissa Well-Known Member

    If I had a relative that cursed in front of my children & took them in a car w/o carseats...I wouldn't give a fig if she was mad at me or not. Frankly, your SIL doesn't sound like a good influence in your kids' lives - the cursing, the DUI, the lack of concern for basic safety are all dealbreakers that would cause me to ban her from my girls. if i were you, I would just say "I don't feel comfortable with the kids sleeping away from home anymore - they get into everything & I prefer to be with them myself." If she argues just give her a blank stare & walk away. If needed, allow her to throw her hissy & leave her to get over it in her own time.
     
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