How to handle constant Tantrums/Whining/Jealousy?

Hi, haven't posted here in awhile, but we sure could use some help and encouragement. In case my avatar doesn't show up, our boys are 2 yrs 8 months old. We've gotten to a point where there is almost a constant whining or tantrum going on. When one stops, the other one seems to pick up where his brother left off, so we seem to be in a constant state of fighting fires...

Additonally, I suppose there is some type of jealousy thing going on between the two. When R is getting his diaper change, for some reason his brother feels the need to come up and start kicking R's head! And of course, when we tell him to stop, this just seems to give him license to continue. We thought perhaps that things might have started getting easier at this stage, but in fact they seem to be just as hard as ever. To make matters worse, my wife is feeling like she's just constantly screamiing at the boys to stop this or that and it isn't even very effective at that. She isn't feeling comfortable with the lack of control going on around the house.

As for me, I don't take the brunt of it because I'm off at work during the day and most of the week. It sure is difficult and intensive on the weekends when I'm home with everyone and I can't really fathom how my wife does it all! So, is this behavior normal for boys this age, and how do YOU deal with it? And how might you advice us to handle it and the stress level?

Thanks for any thoughts! /Joel

 

Take a deep breath and repeat after me: This is a phase and will pass.
Yes, this is normal behavior for this age. Rivalry, jealousy, tantrums and whining are all very normal. You always hear that consistency is the key, but it really is. Consequences every, single time they do the forbidden behavior. We used time out and tried to keep the rules to a minimum. No hitting, toy stealing, etc.

It does get better. At 4, our boys are like different species. They listen, ask permission and are generally nice to be around now.

Edited to add that 1-2-3 Magic worked wonders for us. It gets you out of the cycle of trying to reason with a 2 year old. C'mon, you're wasting your breath. Now we just begin to count and they straighten up. But it did work at age 2 also. It helped us calm down and stop yelling (well at least not as much).

 

QUOTE(HusbandJ @ Dec 16 2007, 03:33 AM) [snapback]535834[/snapback]
So, is this behavior normal for boys this age, and how do YOU deal with it? And how might you advice us to handle it and the stress level?
Thanks for any thoughts! /Joel


I have heard and read that this behavior is (sigh) typical and normal
for this age. I think it seems more intense because it is TWO at this
age....and not only are they loud/fighting/teasing/tantruming they are
egging on the other one to do the exact same thing at the exact
same time.

Like a PP, I am just being consistent with consequences for behavior I will
not tolerate (ie; biting, hitting, pushing) and trying to keep then focused on
a task, any task. They don't seem to irritate each other (or me!) as
much if we are all doing a task, even cleaning or dusting.

I can totally empathize with your wife.....when my stress level reaches the
top, I tell my husband I need to GO (just go, out somewhere without the kids)
to give my ears and my patience a break. That would really help your
wife if you could get her out of the house when you are home.

 

My boys seem to run on a 6-month cycle: every 6 months they go through a "horrid" phase. They always return to being delightful, though when we're in the middle of the difficult behavior I panic and worry that it'll always be this way. Now that we've been through several of these phases, it's easier for me to relax and believe that they will pass, but at that age I really wasn't confident that my kids wouldn't be that way forever.

You've gotten great advice so far. Pick your battles and be consistent. The thing that worked best for us when it came to whining, was to remain calm and ask them to use a regular voice. For instance, "I can't understand you when you whine like that. Can you try again in a regular voice?" Say that calmly and relatively quietly. Repeat until they ask in a regular voice. Or, "That screaming is hurting my ears. Can you try again in a regular voice so I can understand you?" For me, the key was being calm and not rising to their "bait". I know that with 2, there is a lot of competition for my attention, and often negative attention (me getting mad and coming over and dealing with them) is better than no attention. So, when they do bad things, I'd try hard to remain calm and just give the regular consequence with as little fanfare as possible.

And then, the thing that's easiest to forget -- praise them for their good behavior when they do it! "Oh that was really nice asking! Thank you for being so polite!" (for instance). My boys have always responded more to positive feedback than to negative, but it's easy to take the good behavior for granted and forget to praise them for what we think should be the norm.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Most of all, try to remember that it is a phase and will pass, and that you really need to just be consistent and calm through this time. Not easy, I know! But, hang in there.

 

This is all really great input! Thank you for the support--already, we are feeling buoyed by your responses and better equipped to help guide our boys to some sort of discipline. It sure helped us get through the weekend and my wife is feeling a lot better too! Thanks so much! (I love the phrase "regular voice" and have already used it with fabulous success with J--he knew exactly what I meant and repeated himself in a quieter manner so I could understand and we were immediately over the tantrum!)

 

QUOTE(Ellen Barr @ Dec 16 2007, 04:15 PM) [snapback]536165[/snapback]
You've gotten great advice so far. Pick your battles and be consistent. The thing that worked best for us when it came to whining, was to remain calm and ask them to use a regular voice. For instance, "I can't understand you when you whine like that. Can you try again in a regular voice?" Say that calmly and relatively quietly. Repeat until they ask in a regular voice. Or, "That screaming is hurting my ears. Can you try again in a regular voice so I can understand you?" For me, the key was being calm and not rising to their "bait". I know that with 2, there is a lot of competition for my attention, and often negative attention (me getting mad and coming over and dealing with them) is better than no attention. So, when they do bad things, I'd try hard to remain calm and just give the regular consequence with as little fanfare as possible.

And then, the thing that's easiest to forget -- praise them for their good behavior when they do it! "Oh that was really nice asking! Thank you for being so polite!" (for instance). My boys have always responded more to positive feedback than to negative, but it's easy to take the good behavior for granted and forget to praise them for what we think should be the norm.

That is exactly what I always tried to do about the whining. I also second the idea of getting a change of scenery when things are getting crazy and you/your wife just feel like screaming. Being somewhere different can really change the mood.

As far as one kicking his brother during changes would it be possible to change him somewhere off the ground-like on a couch or bed with an old towel underneath?
Also I'd recommend doing one-on-one time with your boys so that they are getting some really focused individual attention. Perhaps at the weekend when you are both home just spend 20 minutes of you with one boy and your wife with the other, then the next day switch boys so that both of them get individual time with both of you. You don't need to do anything special with them just spend the whole time concentrating on them (no answering the phone etc.) It should really help with the jealousy thing.

 

I agree with the one on one time. My husband & I split up our kids on the weekends and they are ANGELS when we do so. I always take one on errands (boring!) and he stays home playing with the other one. They both LOVE being alone with one of us and even the one on errands is a dream. S/he behaves in the shopping cart, gets attention from strangers, gets attention from me, etc. I highly recommend it to everyone!
I also definitely agree to change the diaper off the floor. When I am changing my DD and if my DS is REALLY whining and crawling up the changing table, I sometimes will put him in his crib (3 feet away) and tell him that he has to stay there until I am done because I can't finish with him all over me. He understands, stops whining, and then he is out in 2 minutes when I am done. phew! Miraciously it works!