How to handle a play date request

Sorry if this gets long, but I want to give the history. I'm really not trying to interfere with who my kids are friends with. BUT...(lol) There is this kid in DS's class that just moved in in November. He and his twin sister are both in Gabe's class. I told him since there are only 6 boys in the class and this boy was new and he had something in common being a twin himself. I didn't hear much about him at first, but then I start hearing stories about how he's really mean to the other kids, will push them down, tries to convince DS to do things that are against the rules. He actually shoved a piece of wood (like a large splinter) under DD's finger nail on purpose b/c he didn't want her on the same climber as he was on. Gabe has come home covered in mud b/c the kid decided to shove 3 or 4 kids down. I'm talking head to toe. I spoke to his teacher and told her that I obviously am only seeing our side of things and told her what was going on and she agreed that this child is a problem and that DS seems to be pulled into situations. She sort of seperated them in class, but they still play on the playground. Now the boy won't let DS play with any of his old friends. I'm working on him with ways he can respond to that. I'm going to keep talking to the teacher, but here's my dilemna. The kid's Mom caught up with me at a birthday party and also sent a note home saying this kid wants a playdate with DS. I really don't want him hanging out with this kid anymore than he is. Is it ok to decline and if so, how do you word it? I know my DS is not an angel, but he seems very impressionable and a bit of a follower and unfortunately sometimes acts in a way that isn't like him at all when he gets around kids like this.

 

I would just say no, we have other plans. Or, you can invite him to your house where you can keep an eye on things and explain when things are not appropriate. A teaching moment for the other kid, as you will. I would also call the guidance counselor. We had a problem like this in 1st grade, and the guidance counselor came in an explained to the WHOLE class what a good friend and bad friend was or did. They can also bring them in together to talk about what is appropriate and what isn't. Bringing the guidance counselor in really helped a lot. Good luck! I know it is a hard situation.

 

Thank you, I appreciate your advice. I was talking to DH today about it. Part of me doesn't want DS around him at all. The other part (and probably wiser part) tells me that b/c he is so impressionable right now, now is the best time to teach him how to handle this type of behavior and how to respond when it does happen. My Mom went and had lunch with them last week and she said this kid was all over Gabe (just no personal space), but the kid got really upset and wouldn't let other boys sit next to Gabe. So, Gabe is losing some of his friends b/c of this kid, which makes me sad.

 

I would talk to the teacher....honestly, it seems a bit more than a little issue. The school can bring in the school social worker to speak to the class about how to be a good friend, etc.

It really sounds like an issue with the other boy and your DS was his chosen 'object of affection'.

IF he is alienating your DS and preventing him from playing with other, that is way too possessive to be healthy.


I would also play act at home with your DS and give him some phrases like , "Excuse me, you are in my space." or " I am sitting with X today." or you or DH pretend to be a kid and break a known rule- them show DS how to repond when he sees the boy breaking a rule and how to not do so " No, I am not going to climb the slide. Some one might get hurt." etc. and to follow through and not let the boy push him around.


You cant take keep your DS away from the boy at school, but I would likely not do a playdate until the intensity of the other boy simmers down. It may make him even more possessive if he hangs out with your DS afterschool.



I hope you get some resolution soon!!!

 

I would invite him to your house and that way you can supervise and meet the mom to see what is going on.

 

I go back and forth on this and feel like you have two decent options. First, invite the boy and his mom over to your house and use it as an opportunity to help your son stand up for his personal space. And, maybe talk to the mom about some of your concerns (although I'm sure that would be hard to bring up). Or, you could decline saying that you guys have things to do in the afternoons. That's a totally valid response.

Whatever you choose about the playdate, I agree with everyone else that you should ask for more help from the school. If they have a guidance counsellor that can help - great. Or maybe the teacher has other resources she can pull in to channel this other kid's behavior?

Good luck!

 

I think first I'd ask Gabe how he feels about the boy. Would he like to spend time with him outside of school. Then I'd think about a structured activity they could do, with of without the other kid's mom which I'd supervise.

 

I asked Gabe this weekend if he enjoys playing with this child and he said no. Gabe is friendly to him (I've seen this) and told me that the rules are you have to be friends with everyone. But he also told me that this child has lost all his other friends b/c of the way he acts and treats them. He told me more things like he has kicked Gabe when he's tried to play with his other friends. I do not want my child suffering and losing all of his friends b/c he's trying to be nice and follow the rules. I have talked to his teacher before and she said she would work on it, but I think at this point I need to push the issue with her again and get other staff members involved. I asked Gabe if he wanted a playdate with this boy and he said "not really", so if the Mom asks again I will have to say something I guess.

 

Hi:

We had a somewhat similar situation with our DS and a kid in his class. We did have the kid over for a playdate, but before hand, we wrote down a set of our House Rules and when the kid arrived, we went over the rules and made clear that these were the House Rules and that if the rules got broken, the playdate was over (immediately.) (House Rules like "be a good friend" "no hitting/pushing" "Do not hurt the house"). I have to say, most of this was my DS's own idea (to have house rules, to say them at the beginning of the playdate), which I thought was great (and a real teaching moment.) The playdate went okay and I was prepared to end the playdate if needed, but I felt like this way, we helped DS understand that it was okay to set limits and live up to them, even with friends.

However, I doubt we will continue to encourage playdates with this particular kid -- I'm just getting a vibe.... Good luck!

Meg

 

UPDATE: I had to run up to the school today to drop some things off and I ran into his teacher. She approached me about it first saying that she did hear that this kid kicked DS on the playground last week and asked if I had heard about it. I explained that I did hear about it this weekend and expressed all of my concerns. She said that this info. has really pushed her to call his Mom today. They already have a meeting set up for next week, but that she needs to know what's going on. I'm frustrated that it's taken this long for her to say anything to Mom (I've talked to her twice about this over the last month). The teacher has seperated them a lot in the classroom, but most of this stuff seems to be getting worse at lunch and recess. I told her I have no problems with DS being friendly to him, but I'm not going to push him to be "friends" with someone that treats him that way (DS says the class rules are that you have to be a friend to everyone) and that it's not fair to lose all his friends b/c of this kid. I also told her that it's probably time to bring in the principal, lunch ladies, and social worker. She said she was going to look into having him join one of the social skills groups with the social worker. I feel better, but we'll see if anything changes. I'll continue to work on Gabe with role playing and responses he can give when he's in these situations.

 

Sounds like some positive actions are being taken. Sorry it has taken this long though. I know when it happened to Brooke, she hated recess and cried for months that she didn't want to go to school. After it was over, I had requested she was not to be placed in class with this child (although they remained friends outside of school, which was fine because I could control that). Just this year she is back in class with her. They have come a long way and have remained good friends, although they do talk too much during class.

 

That is great that you are being so proactive on this. That is so important!!! I'm sorry that you have to do it, but hopefully this kids gets help.

 

So one of my friends has a DD in the same class as DS. She was a birthday party today and this kid's Mom was there with the twin sister of this boy. She was telling another Mom how she was so happy that her son had finally made a friend and that she had sent her # twice to arrange playdates, but hadn't heard anything. Then she goes on to say that she found out this week that her son has been punching and kicking this new friend and "no wonder they haven't called". I think that new friend is DS and us that haven't called. But, I think she understands without us having to say anything.

 

Good. Now maybe she finally sees what is going on. It's a shame this child doesn't have friends. Maybe if he was nicer, it wouldn't be a problem.

 

Glad you ran into her at the party. I hope now his behavior will change.