How to deal

Dylan has started having some pretty serious tantrums when he does not get hiswas. I try to ignore him as long as hes not going o hurt himself and they are getting shorter. They started out lasting well over 30 min and were down to under 5 now but hes getting more violent I guess would be the word.

when they were lasting longer he was just crying and running around and throwing himself on the ground. they he went to throwing his head back. ( he learned yesterday that was not a good idea b/c he threw his head back onto a step)... the last few days he started throwing things and today hes hitting things like the cabinets and the fridge and so on. hes never hit me or his brother (only pushes him which were working on)

I was so upset after watching him hit things that all I could do was sit there an cry. I hate seeing my baby so angry. I'm not giving him the attention that hes trying to get from the tantrum and when its all over with I go get him and tell him that was not nice say sorry mommy and give him a hug. I just dont know what to do.

 

I think it's good to try to ignore it, or put him in his crib or room to have his fit with the door closed. Tell him when he can pull it together, he can come out. (Easier said than done!) :hug99: Sorry you are dealing with this. My DS does this every once in a while and it's really upsetting!

 

This is such a tough thing to deal with. It seems like this is tougher for twin parents because there is a chance to make an immediate comparison to the "good twin". I know we're not supposed to compare them, but it's hard not to in the heat of the moment. At least for me.

One of mine actually did more hitting than throwing himself on the ground starting around 18 months. Usually I was his target. It is so hard to see the anger and frustration on his face, while knowing he's just too young to deal with so many emotions at once. I had all I could do to keep from reacting - even when it really hurt (bite marks on my shoulder, etc.)

Everyone has told me to ignore it - and that somehow really bad tantrums/lashing out is a sign that they feel "safe" to test the boundaries? Whatever... <_<

Anyway, I wish there was a magic bullet. I think like most people, it's been a lot of trial and error for me. Here are a few things I try - in addition to crying once in a while.

• Trying to anticipate and avoid triggers (our 3 year old niece was a big one)
• Warning others about the triggers and teaching family to give him space (surprisingly tough, ILs want to pick him up immediately when he cries)
• "Calm time" - different from a reactive Time Out for hitting. Calm Time is when I proactively use a low octave, calm yet stern voice asking if he needs time to calm down. Sometimes just saying "calm time?" while looking him in the eye at his level works.
• Swift removal to crib or other safe area if tantrum/aggression heats up
• Count backwards outloud from 30 (or 20 or whatever) without looking at him to calm myself down

It's definitely gotten better as he's gotten older and I've had more time to spend with him alone. Sometimes that's really tough to do, but seems to help both of us.

Terrible Twos is not a myth and does not start at 2.

Hang in there

 

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. It is awful to see them so upset and feel like you might not be giving them what they need -- even though in the long run you are.

One thing I might suggest is that if this has only been going on for a few days, he might be cutting teeth/molars, or be getting sick. I often notice a surge in tantrum-y behavior at those times, even when there's no other sign of something being wrong.

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Aug 12 2007, 03:27 PM) [snapback]365584[/snapback]
I think it's good to try to ignore it, or put him in his crib or room to have his fit with the door closed. Tell him when he can pull it together, he can come out. (Easier said than done!) :hug99: Sorry you are dealing with this. My DS does this every once in a while and it's really upsetting!


I agree with Diane 100%. When they don't have an audience and get a reaction they stop much quicker. As long as your DS is in a spot where he really can't hurt himself I would just let him ride it out. Kelly was my little tantrum maker (still does sometimes) and we try our best to ignore her. She stops when she knows that she isn't going to get her way and that we aren't watching. It is horrible to listen to though.

:hug99:

 

QUOTE(MichelleS @ Aug 13 2007, 01:52 AM) [snapback]365977[/snapback]
I agree with Diane 100%. When they don't have an audience and get a reaction they stop much quicker. As long as your DS is in a spot where he really can't hurt himself I would just let him ride it out. Kelly was my little tantrum maker (still does sometimes) and we try our best to ignore her. She stops when she knows that she isn't going to get her way and that we aren't watching. It is horrible to listen to though.

:hug99:


I agree with the above posts as well. Jamie started this around 18 months and we had her sit in her "calm" chair (in another room with the door closed). I think you need to remove him from any area he's going to be disruptive and get attention, and make sure he is undisturbed. His frustration is real, but he really does need to learn the skill of being able to calm himself down. Both my girls knew that this was the routine for tantrums, and sometimes they still go to their chairs if they need some alone time to calm down.

It's not a punishment. I think it worked wonders in allowing my girls to learn this skill. They go to school in September (Junior Kindergarten 2 days per week) and I think they'll do well dealing with the new frustration they'll encounter.

I don't think an apology is necessary unless there was something that happened beyond the tantrum. When he's quiet, just ask: "Are you all calmed down now", provide some praise and give hugs. Good luck!