How to deal with mother?

My mother is increasingly starting to annoy me! Since having the boys she seems to have become very clingy and it is starting to bother me. My mother lives an hour and 15 min. from us and constantly wants to babysit, but she wants us to bring the boys to her. My DH's mother lives 10 minutes away, doesn't work and will come to our house to babysit, but my sister told me that my mom made a comment that "she can't help it that she has to work all week, unlike my DH's mom." Also my mom asked me if we would be going to my grandma's for thanksgiving, which is about 4 hours away. I told her that we would not be able to make it this year and that we wanted to just stay home. She then asked if we would "be able to make time for them at Christmas?" since they were staying at home. I told her "of course" but just the fact that she said that really got to me. Another day this week she called, but I was feeding the boys and wasn't able to get to the phone. I called back and she was like "I was just calling to see how you and the boys were, but it's no big deal." How should I handle the way she has been acting??!!

 

ugh!!!!!! I got frustrated just reading your post. the way I deal when someone close annoys me is I try to put myself in their shoes. If I were calling my daughter and said what I said would I think it was so bad? Would I be hurt if she snapped back at me. That usually calms me down....for now. Also, it sounds like your mom is pretty sensitive so I'd word it carefully. I'm sorry I'm not much help, I wish I knew how to respond. :angry:

 

In terms of the phone, I tell people including my mom that they can call me whenever but to expect me not to answer the phone since I'll inevitably have my hands tied up. I'll call back when I can, which may be the next day or so.

 

She is really sensitive and we have never been that close, after about 15 years of age I have practically cared for myself. She missed the boys' birth because she went on vacation and my sister told her that I was deeply hurt by it, but she never confronted me. I don't know if she is trying to make up for it or try to get closer, but she is going about it the wrong way. We are supposed to go to the Texas State Fair and she said she would babysit, but she wants us to bring the boys over to her house. The fair is half way in between our houses. So I would have to drive an hour to take the boys to her, drive 30 min. to the fair, drive 30 min. back to her house and then an hour back home. How does that make sense?? I would rather someone come to our house and just drive 30min. to the fair.

 

It's so tricky dealing with moms/grandmas. My mom calls me every day just to see "how the guys are doing" and if I don't answer, she e-mails and leaves snotty messages. They called me from their vacation with friends to tell me to upload photos (this was when the boys were still feeding every 3 hrs), and send her the link so she could show off to her friends! I had to gently let her know that my kids come first and everyone else is way down on the list for now... including her needs/wants. She was hurt, but also after babysitting a few times she realized how demanding the twins were and how little extra time I have for anything.. so the best medicine is probably to leave her alone with them HA!

 

My Mom gets upset that we can't come and visit as often as she wants us to.. but the thing is, she lives 14 hours away and takes it very personally if we go to visit DH's parents (who are only 7 hours away, and we've gone there only because DH was interviewing for jobs there..) when she has seen the twins far more than any of their other 3 grandparents. We aren't able to visit her, or anyone for that matter, for Christmas this year and she's horribly upset. Granted, we haven't been able to spend a Christmas with her (a Christmas DAY.. I've gone a week before Christmas one year, and the day after Christmas another year, and New Year's twice.. but that doesn't matter to her, if we're not there ON THAT DAY all hell breaks loose, but that's another thread entirely..)

The only advice I can give you is to just tell her how you feel, but be as nice as you can about it, because she sounds a lot like my Mom would be if we lived an hour away. *hug*

Good luck.

 

how frustrating! but i think she is crazy for wanting you to bring the babies to her to babysit, that is just ridiculous!! does she have any idea how much crap you would have to bring to her house?? it kinda sounds like she wants to be involved but only wants it on her terms and that is just isn't going to work. you have your hands full taking care of your boys and don't have time to coddle anyone else!

as far as the phone calls go, i have made it very clear that i do not answer my phone if the babies are awake, ever! (unless it is DH..) if people want to talk to me they will leave me a message and i get back to them when i can, most people have been very understanding about this and the ones who aren't-oh well, it's their problem... as far as holidays go, we have decided that since we have our own family now we want to start our own traditions and that means staying home for the major ones.

 

Ugh!! I think family members that put pressure on us to accomodate them and their wishes, don't have any idea how difficult it is to care for 2 babies and especially TRAVEL with them!! I think it is hard to draw that line b/t wanting to include family (not hurt anyone's feelings) and protect your sanity and the babies' needs/comfort.

I have been feeling the same frustrations lately and I anticipate that it will be getting worse with the holidays coming up. :hug: You will never be sorry if you make a decision with your children's best interest in mind. Hang in there!!

 

I'm very fortunate that both my mom and MIL are truly wonderful and don't really fight over their time with the kids and are always happy to take what they can get. It also helps that they're all three or more hours away. They are extremely understanding too, and that's a tremendous weight off my shoulders. But, I do understand how hard it is (my FIL's family tends to be a little petty when it comes to their time with us) and there's just no easy way of dealing with it.

I think the biggest and most important thing to remember is that the only people you need to worry about are you, your husband and your children. They are the only people who need to be happy and after you've asserted that enough times, eventually everyone else gets the idea and they'll lay off. It's not easy to do, but sometimes it's the only option when grown-ups can't just act like grown-ups. It's taken a lot of stress off of us when it comes to traveling and dealing with the holidays.

In regards to your specific relationship with your mom...is it possible that maybe she's trying to make up for what she's missed with you but just doesn't know how to go about it? My mother and I do not have a good relationship (I call my step-mom "mom" because she raised me and we're very close). She lives in Maryland, we're in south Texas and visiting her is never on our terms. She wants all six of us to fly or drive up there to see her and she's never once made the effort to come down here (she's only met our oldest, when he was a toddler...he's nine now). It's taken me a long time to realize that she's never going to be what I need or want her to be when it comes to being a mother or a grandmother. This is the best that I will ever get, and so I have to just stop worrying about it.

Maybe the best thing for you to do is talk to her about it, explain that it's difficult for you to take time out of your schedule to meet HER needs (and inconvenient to drive two hours for a babysitter, jeez!) and that while you appreciate it, right now it's too much.

I hope that helps and I'm not stepping on your toes! Good luck. :hug:

 

Wow that's a had one. I am in a similar situation. My mom is obbessed with the boys. The first month she was stopping over when ever she felt like it and she would tell me that she would call before she came. One saturday morning when she came over for the 4th saturday of the month at 10:00 am and called when she was in the driveway. I couldn't take it anymore. I was like who stops over at 10:00 am on a Saturday morning to someones house that has newborn twins and finally has sometime with her husband needless to say we where both exhausted, my husband was in his underwear, me in my pjs and the house looked like a bomb went off and now she wants me to entertain. She would ring the doorbell on purpose everytime she came which would make the dogs bark and wake up my colicky sone who would start screaming which in turn would wake up my other son. Mind you she did this every time even though I told her not to ring the doorbell. So I sat down with my dad and said that he had to break it to my mom that she could only come over one day on the weekend. I just couldn't take her popping in all the time, but her problem are deeper than just this she was hopping the boys would replace the void she had in her life from my brother and I growing up and that I would be over her house all the time and she would be here all the time helping. She also gets extremely jealous if my MIL is over here and instantly changes her tune on the phone if she hears her voice. IT is so annoying. But sometime you just have to lay down the law. I told my mom once they drop to one nap a day for now it is easier for her and my dad to come visit. Then me lugging all the crap just so we can visit do the same thing and they wont nap and then I will be stuck with two cranky babies at night time. After she spoke to some twin mom that she ran into in the store and they told her how hard it is to get out of the house and how important it is to stick to a schedule she calmed down and realized that it is much harder than having a singleton. I would just tell her listen if you want to baby sit you need to come here. For christmas we are having a christmas brunch and I am going to preamake everything the day before and put it in dispasable aluminum tray and just plop it in the over the morning of and who ever wants to come can come. There is no way with all the stress of christmas I am lugging all the crap that the boys will need plus gifts to someone elses house. I want to enjoy christmas and start my own traditions. I would just invite everyone if they get along, keep the menu simple and who ever wants to spend time with the kids on christmas comes during a certain time period. IMO hope this helps.

)

 

Frankly I am surprised that she is not willing to come to you if she wants to babysit so bad. Maybe she does not understand how hard it is for you to pack everything that the babies might possibly need and drive all that way, rather than have her come to you. If you could explain that, maybe she would understand? Some people just have trouble seeing things from others' point of view... sad but true!

I am with you on my sensitivity to comments such as "when can you make time for us". My MIL is always dropping little comments like that, it's very passive aggressive. Like, "well, I thought xxx, but what do I know". And similar to what PP said, she also makes "requests" for things that I guess I'm just supposed to provide for her since she is the grandma. For instance, when they were a few weeks old, I needed to send some more pictures with their eyes open. Well, I'm sorry - they sleep all the time! And if they are awake, it's because they are hungry and I'm too busy feeding them to take pictures. But somehow, taking these pictures for her needed to be my #1 priority. She doesn't really ask nicely, sshe's like - when are you going to send some pictures with their eyes open?

OK vent over... at the end of the day, I just try to take a step back and remember that her heart is in the right place,when she does this stuff it's out of insecurity and I have to be the bigger person and let it slide. I think as our parents get older they almost get more immature, like children. I guess it just prepares us for the day when they are in a nursing home and we REALLY have to take care of them.

Sorry I'm no help but just wanted to sympathize and say I'm right there with you. And the fair was fun but stay clear of the fried butter!

 

I feel your agony! My mother is the same way. We had to go to a wake service and she wanted me to drive to her house (45mins away) then to the service (45 mins away from her house) and then back to pick up the girls. When I asked if she could watch them I said at my house. BUT, since this would put out her boyfriend, she said she would watch them at her house. I just told her no thank you in the end. (Other issues, like her dirty clutter house freak me out- and not just dirt, bird sheadings everywhere...)I have anxiety every time I have to deal with my mother. When she came over for the first time to see the girls after we got out of the hospital I realized that she would have to be the last resort of watching them because she doesn't know what she is doing and she puts her boyfriend before the girls- which makes me crazy. I don't care if she puts me behind him ( I take care of myself) but the girls can't do that yet.) ugh.. so maybe no help but your not the only one.

 

I know how frustrating it is. :hug: My mom lives 4 miles away and at times, her unannounced visits were annoying to say the least. I think that your mom is feeling a little jealous that your MIL is getting a lot of grandkid time and she isn't. I know my MIL who lives an hour away is hurt when we all are together and the kids prefer to spend time with my mom instead of her. They are just familiar with her. With the phone, I'd just tell her that you are not going to be able to answer the phone all the time if you are busy. Leave a message and you'll get back to her. It is a hard situation. I try to understand why mom mom wants to spend a lot of time with my kids. It gets frustrating sometimes.

 

My mom lives a block away and is available whenever, I try not to take advantage, but she cares for the twins while we work.

Mother in law is an hour away. I use her (she works FT) to sit when we want a date night. Once a month or so. We drive out and go to dinner in that area, or movies. opcorn: I think staying in your mom's area would be a good compromise. She will be happy to get to know the twins and you a hubby get a break. An hour drive isn't a big deal, my boys sleep most of the way.This is manageable.

I understand packing everything up is a pain, but leave some stuff there.
We have stuff on the West side of Phoenix to the East side. :ibiggrin:

I realize by your post that you and your mom are on shaky ground, but in the long run the babies can bring you closer. Maybe she makes all those little comments cause she's hurting too. :unknw:

Good luck