How to deal with different approaches to dealing with tantrums

Hi all, I'm very happy to have discovered this forum. I am a stay-at-home dad. Our boys just turned two and, really for the first time, my wife and I are in a bit of conflict over parenting. Lately the boys, especially one of them, have been very bratty when my wife is home. To be clear, they aren't saints for me, but they are markedly worse when she's home. I'm sure there are a number of factors, including competition for her limited time. But, in my opinion, much of it is stemming from a difference in parenting styles. To give an anecdotal example from last night, one of our boys wanted a drink. He first said milk and I gave him some milk. Then he said water so I gave him some water. Then he had a meltdown. I calmly told him he had his two options and he needed to choose between them; there would be no other options other than nothing. A couple of minutes later I found my wife holding him and, while still in full tantrum, trying let him pick out a cup that might make him happy. I got upset with her for doing this, but she doesn't think it's a big deal. I believe they are behaving badly with her because they are learning it is effective. It was a terrible weekend, but she left for work this morning and they seem like different kids. This is obviously difficult for my wife (and me) and I don't want to assume my reading of the situation is necessarily correct. So I'm looking for feedback/opinions here. I'm happy to provide more details if that would help. Thanks in advance!

 

I am the stay at home parent,  I spend all day with the boys, I hear everything that's going on in their world, what mood they're in. My husband comes home, is mentally still halfway at work, feels guilty about not being home earlier for the kids, is rushing through dinner, wants to relax, doesn't have the benefit of all the info I have, and hasn't tried (and failed with) a million techniques that I have to find what works. It's tough for the working parent to transition to home, and especially hard when the at home parent makes it look easy by comparison. But think of showing up at her job for the last hour of the day and trying to fill in the gaps... pretty frantic, right?
 
If you want to get on the same page, I suggest you talk at a completely different time.. after the kids are in bed or whatever, and say "i've been finding xyz challenging lately, and here's how I have tried to deal with it. What do you think of that?" Rather than finding pointed examples of where you think they screwed up. Also try to fill her in on what the kids have been going through so it can inform her discipline style. "So and so is a little sensitive about sharing because there's a kid at daycare who keeps stealing his toy".
 
And finally, remember that kids react to parents differently at different times. My boys have different kinds of tantrums with my husband and me, not because I am less hard on them (I am probably less lenient than my husband), but because I am more emotionally available to them. That's just how our family operates. Just recognize that they're getting different things from your wife, and she has a slightly different parenting style, but ultimately you just have different jobs on the same team.

 

Thanks so much for the thoughtful response. The example of showing up for the last hour of her work definitely resonates. In looking for help online, I was actually finding a lot that describes the opposite problem. Essentially that the stay-at-home parent deals with MORE bad behavior because the children are more comfortable pushing boundaries. I know every child is different. Our two boys couldn't be more different in personality! To be clear, my wife and I discuss this stuff regularly in a calm manner. Last night I definitely got frustrated in the moment because I thought we had an understanding. We were able to calmly discuss it after the boys were in bed. She feels like what she does isn't "giving in" to the tantrum, so maybe we'll just have to have different approaches. For my part, I really believe in consistency so it is frustrating. But I want to respect my wife's view as well.

 

I don't have better advice than Jen's. It sounds like you guys are already doing things right. You are communicating. In the craziness of twin toddlers, that's everything! They will grow out of this, and you two will still have a strong relationship.

I think a big key is to always be on the same side in front of the kiddos. So, if one parent presents choices or a consequence, barring something totally inappropriate or unsafe for the child (clearly not an issue here), the other parent needs to be on the same team. Otherwise, kiddos learn to play parents against each other or try to get the answer they like best. This incident wasn't the end of the world obviously, but, assuming your wife knew the choice you'd given, it may have been a better approach for her to adhere to it and discuss with you later. But it's hard. Sometimes everyone is just doing the best they can in the moment.

Welcome!

 

:welcome: to the forum.  I agree with both Jen and Rachael.  I saw this with my husband when my children were that age.  We (me and the kids) had a system down but when he came home from work---all bets were off.  And he'd be feeling wound up/tired/whatever from work and just want to come home to happy kids and then bend over backwards pleasing them.  We did have to talk when the children were not around (after they were in bed) and I just told here were some things that I found that worked and that we do better presenting as a united front and not as this is what you can do when Mommy is around versus what you can do when Daddy is around.  It got better.  It wasn't anything that he was doing was wrong or purposely trying to undo what I was doing during the day, he was just doing the best he could in that moment.  
I still joke with my husband that they are two little con artists and they have no problem playing one off the other.  I used to do the same as a kid and get the response that I hated, "what did your mother or father say?" It's the same here, just on a two year old level.  It will get better.

 

Welcome!
I think it's very common family issues. My friends, neighbors and we do have it .

I agreed on communication and be a team in front of the kids even though you 2 don't agree with each other! It's tough though.

Here are my 2 cents.
Be patient! Don't discuss when your head is hot!

Agree on a strict daily schedule. Ex: no milk after bed time, how long for a time out,.. Just be on the same page for little things. And remember PATIENCE is the key!

Last: I would recommend you to take a half/whole day off once or twice/month, like sat or sun. Make it your ME time. Get out of the house, leave the kids to her. Beside hanging out with your buddies or window shopping, you can join some local hiking biking groups. You will have new fresh conversations on the trails that won't include too much about your kids, wife and the issues! I promise you will be much happier and appreciate your family more. Also, it's the time she needs to decide if she keeps spoiling or discipline them!

I am a very tough and strict mom. I raise my kids like in the army lol. My husband is 100% different! He spoiled them to dead! His excuse is "they are only 4!" Well, I leave them to him every Sunday and go hiking all day! Also, I'm a 50 state half marathoner. So I do travel and leave them at home with him sometimes. Well, he has changed a lot! My kids are 4.5 yrs old. And we both work full time. We still have strict daily schedule! However, they are still not on the same page for everything! I have to admit that raising my kids is not the hardest, but compromising with my husband is! And there is no bad child, only Bad parent skills!

I strongly suggest you to stick to strick schedule and disciplines. Your life will be so much better and less Chaotics. And your kids will do better and get along well in school and life! My family and husband always say that I am so tough on them. But seriously my kids have doing well at school and become serious athletes! Only this summer, they raced 3 kids triathlons, completed Kids Marathon program (27 running miles!), and like 50 biking miles, many hiking miles in the wildness beside baseball, soccer and karate! I don't wanna show off my kids just wanna let you know 4 yr olds can do many things if we strict ways with them. Again, no bad child only bad parent skills!

Good luck!