How much is too much?

I just found a confirmation from United that my dh bought an air ticket to go to Myrtle Beach on a guy trip in June. He booked this trip behind my back. When the trip came up we discussed it, and we agreed he would not go. He already has 3 business trips in May/June, plus he already took a guy trip to Myrtle in January. We have been talking about hiring help for me for when he's away on business. Then he went behind my back and booked it anyway. I don't know when he was planning on telling me. He booked the trip a week ago.

Honestly I don't know what is happening to my marriage. I thought we were better than this. Lately it just seems there is a lot of non-communication and snapping at me. He just seems to not respect me anymore since we had the babies, and I became a sahm. We've talked about his snappiness, and he blames it on work stress and says he'll try harder. But all the while he is sneaking behind my back. What am I supposed to do? I honestly don't know anymore.

 

:hug99: Kristie! First...I would confront him with the confirmation. Try to calmly(I know it's hard)ask him why he went ahead and booked the trip after you had already discussed it and decided that he wouldn't be going. I would be extremely upset!

It sounds like the lines of communication have broken down and you need to try to open those up again. Can you get someone to watch the babies, and go out by yourselves to talk?

:hug99: s, marriage is a constant work in progress. Talk to him.

 

Kristie,
Ditto what Becky said, although I would find it difficult not to be angry. Try to be as calm as possible about it. Are you getting any time away? My DH also goes away some. He has been on a few week long things and recently planned to go away for a weekend in August. He fishes alot on Saturdays, so really the only day he is w/ the girls all day is Sunday.

I think that a baby can be hard on a marriage, but you have 2 babies, so you have to try extra hard to make sure those lines don't collapse. My marriage hasn't been a walk in the park since the girls, but we both make a constant effort to communicate and sometimes it really is an effort to do anything but crash once the girls go down for the night.

GL :hug99:

 

I've had similar issues with my DH. We both have a lot of stress between work and all the kids. My retaliation lately has been to go on my own overnight trips, no matter how guilty I feel about it. Example, I went to Chicago in March for two nights for work--it was not a mandatory trip,but I went anyway. He's going to Vegas on a guy trip in June for 3 nights and I took a week of vacation so he could go. He gets to be gone Monday-Thursday, I'm leaving Friday morning for two nights out of town with my mom. I find that doing this gives me a little sanity. You have to be able to have some time for yourself as well.

That being said, it sounds like it's too much to me. What about going on a trip with you? I do agree with the previous posts though. Calmly confront him about it and try to open up the communication again. Give yourself a little time to calm down before you confront him about it.

Good luck,
Crystal

 

I would definitely be upset! However, I would not be able to hold it in so I would approach my DH immediately. Try to stay calm . . . it is totally understandable if you can't.

I agree that have twins puts a lot of stress on a marriage. Try to communicate your own needs with DH. Hopefully he'll listen.

Best of luck to you!

 

I would be very upset!! I also agree that having twins has put stress on my marriage especially since for 16 years it has only been the two of us and then BAM!! here are two wee ones. But, we only have stress with the exhaustion of the day and trying to find time for each other. That is the hardest for us. Sneaking behind a partners back that is rude and uncalled for. Try to talk to him calmly and rationally and I hope it all works out for you.

Good Luck.

 

I think you have every right to be upset! Yes, babies do put a lot of stress on a marriage. You definitely have to make sure you and your hubby keep eachother as #1. Take time out for eachother without the babies around. You definitely should confront him about the trip. But choose your timing. Run things through your head before you talk to him so you know how you will react to his explanations. He may be feeling overburdoned and overstressed because of the babies (you mentioned you used to work and now he is the only breadwinner?). I think a lot of guys dont share their feelings well and don't communicate well and get defensive when we jump down their backs. Just explain to him how it makes you feel that he didn't tell you about the trip - I'd wait until the babies are down for the night b4 talking so you have some peace and quiet.

 

We talked tonight. He played the "dumb husband" role, i.e. "I don't remember us deciding I wouldn't go." Even if that was the case, it still would have been nice if he'd confirmed it with me before buying the ticket. We also discussed our communication problems and him taking stress out on me. He made me tell him exactly, in detail, what I wanted him to do to make our marriage better, so I did, and he said he is going to change it. I'm glad he was so willing to work on it. I just hope it continues and things don't fall backwards. It seems like we have a lot of these talks and nothing changes. I think if he "gets it" that marriage is a work in progress and it takes two people putting effort in it every day for it to work, things would improve.

I can take some time away by myself, but I really don't want to right now with the girls being so young. I feel like they need me. My husband is an excellent father and he takes very good care of them, but he still needs me to tell him what comes next. If I left I don't know what would happen.

 

I am sorry to hear you are going through this rough time!!!

My husband's job sometimes requires long days and some weekends as well, so I also know how alone it feels to be with the kids.

I agree with everyone here - you definitely have every right to be upset. Your husband seems to be closing the doors to communication and dishonesty is never acceptable.

When my husband has to stay at work longer it helps me tremendously that he calls with updates when he is away. But we weren't like that all the time. It took him a while to understand how this helps me and for him to do this on his own free will.

Last year, during my second trimester with my daugher, I asked my husband for us to do some counseling before our daughter was born. Most men do not communicate, they really don't know how... and it is VERY important to communicate in a marriage and in a family. He did not want to go to counseling, but he agreed. It helped us remember to keep a positive attitude even during times of conflict and to remember we are on the same team even if we disagree.

I never would have guessed that I would have gone to marriage counseling, but it did help in preparation for being parents and for continuing to be husband and wife.

Agree with your husband that he does need time to relieve his stress (men have the pressure of supporting a family, whether we as women choose to stay home or choose to continue to work). But also ask him what he would suggest that you get to do so that you can also have your time to decompress? And also remind him that you two need to decompress together - maybe instead of another guy trip it could be a trip for the two of you?

I hope this helps! Hang in there and let us know if you need more support!

 

:hug99: I know it's hard. Communication is so important and at the same time so difficult. You have it harder than some of us in getting ready for your next one too. You do need to talk to him about it. Are you sure he booked after you talked about it or maybe he booked before figuring you wouldn't have an issue.

Is it possible for you to take some time away yet (have you found the hired help you were planning?) Maybe you need to have a spa day or something.

As for the snapping- there really is no excuse but maybe there is a reason. When my DH is feeling stress he snaps too (alot lately ) Is your DH worried about how things will be with another baby in the mix? I've told mine he needs to learn how to handle his stress better because his reactions are just making the mood around here worse.

Didn't mean to go on and on, just wanted you to know that you aren't totally alone :hug99:

 

Maybe instead of all the "guy's weekends" and spa days for you that you don't sound like you feel comfortable with right now, do something together as a family! :hug99: s, glad you talked through it, hope he sticks to it and continues to work on it with you.

 

I would be very upset indeed!! I would calmly confront him with it. See what reaoning he gives for doing it behind your back.

One other thing that came to mind instantly when I read your post is: If anyone needs a vacation it is you!!!!!!!
(I have a feeling that's what his excuse is going to be, he needs to get away)