How much help did you need?

As a first time mom I am wondering how much help I will need after the babies come home... My mom had mentioned staying for at LEAST 3 MONTHS!!! I told her that I thought this was excessive... For one thing we don't really get along all that well (she doesn't with my DH either) and for another she already seems to think that she's going to tell me how I should be raising or planning to raise these babies! I also suggested to her that maybe a weekend would be ok since my step-mom, MIL, and 3 SILs are all asking about helping too and my DH is saving up his vacation time and working extra to save up time so he can take more time off once the girls are here. So I feel like I will have plenty of help... My mom has told me that I'm the one not being realistic and that my life for the first few months is going to be hell and she should be here. I know she's excited and all that, but she really does create a TON of stress between me and DH and usually if she only stays a weekend, her and I end up in some kind of fight and not talking for a while.. I just don't want that... HELP PLEASE!!

 

Wow - I think you should definitely take a stand here and tell her what you want. Maybe she could stay 2-3 nights after you get home from the hospital? You should limit her stay because you will want to bond with your babies and your DH will be there also. Don't let a pushy parent (or anyone else) dictate what you will need and want. People give birth to twins every day and handle it all alone just fine. 3 months is excessive, even a week is excessive if she causes so much stress. You need to set the tone now, so that she doesn't start taking liberties with your parenting practices later. Good Luck.

 

You don't need her help if she's only gonna cause problems! I have had some help in the daytime from my motherinlaw but she only helps take cAre of my 18m old and then I can focus on the twins. If I had just the twins I would not need any extra help.

 

Can she come several times for a day or twoÉ Or let her know what type of help you need--making dinners for the freezer for example. Definitely you need to decide whats best. I know I had DH tell his parents to limit their visits to 2 days...because they used to come for 5 and drive me CRAZY.

 

I needed a LOT of help. Once the babies were actually home both DH and I realized we didn't know what we were doing and were terrified. My mom moved in for 3 weeks. It really takes 3 people to take care of 2 babies in order for everyone to be well rested. But, that's when all 3 people work well together, b/c it's like you all sleep and take care of babies in shifts. I remember that first night they were home Amelia was crying in the night, and we didn't know what to do, we couldn't get her to stop. I was feeding Lily. Finally, DH handed her over to my mom and left the room, saying "she has no reason to cry!" :laughing:

After her initial 3 week stay I started having the babies alone during the day, but having help at night. Someone else would do the 9 pm feeding so I could sleep from 6 or 7 pm - midnight, and then I did the midnight and 3 am feeding, and slept through the 6 am feeding and got up when either DH or my parents left for work. We spent a lot of the first 3 months at my parents house. I needed the help.

After 3 months I did not need any help at all, and actually having people to help only got in the way of my routine.

 

DH & I were both laid off when the boys were born, so we did not need a ton of help. We liked it when people brought us dinner or made us dinner, because feeding ourselves was tougher to manage. I would be irritated beyond belief at someone who wants to move in for 3 months. Yes, it's difficult, but it doesn't sound like this person will help you out that much. I had a rule that people could visit us and stay with us for up to 2 weeks. After that, they needed to find a hotel or go home. If she really wants to help out, have her come out 6 weeks after they are born. By then you will be more comfortable and need a respite, they'll be doing growth spurts and it's the fussiest time for babies in the beginning, usually, so you may want a 3rd set of hands. I would also suggest giving your mom clear things to do- like ask her to take charge of the cooking for you guys or the laundry.
:youcandoit:

 

Well we are only 4 weeks in, but we started telling people no after a week. Yes, it was nice to hand off a shrieking baby or two to my mom, mil and sil, but we weren't figuring out a routine and just found it frustrating. And to always have to be 'on' if that makes sense. People want to help with the babies, but what you really need is the dishwasher unloaded, the laundry folded. And now we have friends/fam come over every few days to help during dinner, so we get to eat it. Sometimes.

 

I have a toddler as well, so I needed the help quite a bit...plus, my recovery was crap so it delayed me from being able to take care of all three kids on my own. With that being said, I only needed help while DP was at work...when she came home it was perfectly fine. I don't think that I would have been able to have my mom around 24/7 for three months though! That would be WAY too much!
I would tell her that you would only need her for when your DH isn't home.

 

I had help for most of the first month. My mom, MIL, and sister each came for about a week. It was great. After that I was on my own and could handle it. I breastfed and by that time I could nurse tandem so that helped. The first month it was too hard to do them together so that took tons of time. If you have tons of people who want to help I would limit eveyone's time but you can do it after a month.

 

Take all the help you can! My mom was here for 4 weeks and if she didn't have to go home and help my dad who had shoulder surgery, I would have loved her for another 4 weeks. If you get no sleep during the night, it's nice to be able to go take a nap. Also, my babies didn't start to get fussy until about 3-4 weeks-maybe she could come at that time for a couple of weeks? That's usually when babies really start to let you know they are here.

 

We lived local to my parents and they came over daily for about 2 weeks. After that, I asked them to come over and pick up our laundry and load the dishwasher every other day and they did that for a few more weeks. And while my mom is okay, my father is way more stress than I need, so I was thankful that he decided that he needed to cut his vacation short.

 

Mine had some NICU time, so I was recovered from the c-section by the time they came home. These were also my first children and I didn't have any help. My DH works out of state and I arranged for them to come home on the weekend so I would have someone with me the first couple fo nights, but when he flew out on Monday it was all me. It was no walk in the park, but was certainly doable. I wouldn't have wanted someone with me all of the time.

 

I didn't need help but my hubs was off work and before the boys were born, I worked in a 15 infant nursery. That being said, let me offer this...Help that is forced on you or that will cause more stress, no matter where it comes from, is NOT help. Mom or not, telling you that she plans on staying for 3mos, when you don't want that is wrong and won't help. I guess I'm saying that you still have the right to be selective about "all the help you can get". If for some reason you find the situation too overwhelming, then go back and restructure your support system. Just let mom know you and hubby want to get a rhythm established and would love it if she could prepare a meal or two to freeze, and that you will keep her posted as the need for help arises.

 

My parents live 12 miles from us so my Mom would come over at least once a day. My MIL would come up occasionally and my DH was home for 2 weeks once my twins came home from the NICU, but other than that I really had no other help as my sisters all had kids themselves.

I would say take all the help you can get, it will make it so much easier, but 3 months might be a lot with you not getting along with your Mom too well.

 

I am not due till January but my family is already stressing about when everyone is coming. I have a mom, a step-mom who I am very close to,sister, and my in-laws. We sent out an email saying everyone is invited to be here for as long as they could afford to stay in a hotel. We have very limited space and I am not going to pick and choose who gets to come and stay here or not. My real mom was the only one that caused a fuss but we are sticking to our guns. My thought is I either have to figure out how to take care of them by myself in the beginning or when they all leave so we are just decided this would be best. Some one also suggested that while I am pregnant start making a list of my cleaning routine and when people ask how they can help give them something off your chore list. This way they feel like they are helping and you don't feel like you have to entertain. Good luck.

 

I needed a lot of help, but I also discovered that bad help (help that adds stress or frustration) is worse than no help.

If you know in advance that your mom causes you stress, it may not even be worth it to have her come. If you feel you must let her come, try strictly assigning her to tasks, like making dinner, tidying up around the house, getting groceries or forgotten items from the baby store, emptying the diaper pail, doing the baby wash, etc.

My mom also wants to "help." It is very hard for me to say "no" when I know her heart is in the right place, but I admit her help delayed us in finding our groove. I finally had to hire a nanny, who I felt comfortable telling how to do what and when, and we finally have a routine. She still comes to play some days, but she is not my only source of help.

 

Thanks! I really appreciate the input! I worked in a preschool with babies 6 weeks - 6 months old for a while and it was just me and 4 babies so I feel pretty confident that I will be able to do it without too much help, but I also realize it's going to be a little different because I can't send them home at the end of the day! DH will also be there for the first few weeks at least, so I really do feel like between the 2 of us we can do it! I really want to establish some sort of schedule too and I think it will be hard if we always have help... I think I will mention the help with meals though because it would be nice to just have some ready to pop in the oven! Thanks again! :thanks: