How much help did you have?

Hi all,

We are at the point where we are thinking about getting some extra help during these first few months. I am really lucky to have my husband at home, so I feel guilty about hiring help or having my mom take a month of family leave from her job. However, I just feel so totally overwhelmed, stressed out, and exhausted. My babies just turned two months; they were born at 36 weeks with no major complications. I know many of you do it with no help. I am just curious: how many of you had help during the first few months, and what kind? Was it daily or nightly? A few afternoons a week? I feel like we ought to be able to do this on our own, so I just wondered what "most" people do and have done.

Thanks for all your help.
Katie

 

My B/G twins were also born at 36 weeks with no real complications and right around the 2 month mark we also decided that we needed some extra help.. or maybe it was sleep! So, we hired a night nanny(also a mother of twins) to come to our house 3 nights a week from midnight until 6. Now that the babies are 3.5 months old and only getting up one to two times a night(much better than what they were doing), we are trying to do it on our own again. My mother comes during the day to help during the week(not every day and sometimes only for a few hours), so sometimes I consider myself spoiled(but I need it

Don't hesitate to get the help! My husband noticed right away a difference in me once I started to get more sleep. I was more patient and more pleasant, although I still was in my pjs when he got home from work... and some days still am in my pjs all day

 

I would do just about anything for some help at this point. If you can do it I say go for it!!!

 

I had various family members help me for two months around the clock. My boys were already over two months old when they came home from NICU but it wasn't until 5 months that they stopped screaming all the time!! I would totally get help if you can and don't feel one bit bad about it. You can function so much better when everyone is a little more rested and less frustrated and it wont be long until you wont need the help all the time anymore. My boys are just over one and we really haven't had any help since 5 months old but we also haven't needed it because they have been pretty good from there on. Best of luck

 

My parents stayed with us the first 7 weeks visiting from the east coast. They wound up staying that long b/c my Dad unexpectedly needed surgery so he was kinda laid up and my mom took care of him and us. But it was SUCH a big help having her there, she did cooking, cleaning, laundry and played with my toddler. My DH and I have gotten by w/just the two of us ok, but it is STRESSFUL and there is virtually NO downtime so that we are again looking into getting some hired help, after we move in this next month (yeah fun times). I would say if you can get the extra help and the biggest obstacle is guilt then DO IT! Just think about how refreshed and energetic you will feel and can pour that into taking care of your kids, rather then just getting through each day (which is kinda where I am at...).

 

for the first few days DH was off from work (he's a fire fighter so 24 hours on shift 48 hours off shift but he works on his off shift days for 10+ hours part time) from the fire department but worked his part time job. my dad was in town (but he's in his 70s so not a lot of help) and my MIL would come over daily after work for about 2 weeks and stay for a few hours. when DH went back to work at the fire department i cried and cried because i knew i would be alone since he would be gone 80+ hours each week. i was TERRIFIED. the boys still needed to be fed every 3-4 hours round the clock and DH would not get up in the middle of the night to help w/feeds since he had to work, so it was me all the time. my MIL stopped coming around after the first 2-3 weeks and made occassionaly weekly visits.

my mom was a life savor until the boys started sleeping through the night at 2 months. on the nights DH was gone overnight at the department my mom and her husband would take the 2am and 6am feeds so i could get at least one nights sleep which was vital to my survival.

once the boys started sleeping through the night she stopped coming at nights and i've virtually been on my own ever since, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. i get up at 4:45am, we eat breakfast, the boys go back to sleep until 8am, we play while i take a shower/get ready, we have our mid morning bottle & then nap, we get up and have our solids snack and it's playtime again, we feed at 3pm with a bottle, they nap in their swing until about 5ish and then it's up and playtime/cuddle time until we (or i rather) feed them at 8:30 for the night. i'm usually done by 9:30 and in bed by 10pm....it's EXHAUSTING!

 

I had family with us the first 7 weeks and since then I found a college student to help me out 2 hours a day. My husband is gone from 7:30a - 8p most days, so I had no time to myself. Now, I use this time to have lunch with a friend, go to the gym, shop, what ever I want. I didn't want some one around all day for lots of reasons.

Every momma needs different levels of support. If you can afford it and feel like you need it, find the right person for you. I have twin momma friends with full time nannies and night nurses and others who do everything on their own, plus have older children. In my experience, I found that once I was on my own I had to figure it out. And we're all doing great.

You just need to find the solution that works for you, good luck! Oh, and don't kill me for saying it, but "it does get easier."

 

My mother-in-law gave us the best baby gift ever - a night nanny for the first 3+ months. The night nanny came five nights a week - Sunday night through Thursday night - from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m. She hung out with the babies and fed (formula babies), cuddled, rocked them - and then would clean my kitchen while they slept. I would go to bed by 9 p.m. and then be up, showered and dressed for the day by the time she left. She was very fabulous. And I am eternally grateful that my mother-in-law gave us such a fabulous indulgence.

I would recommend night help over anything else - if you can get a good night's sleep, you can deal with just about anything during the day.

 

My twins were born at 35w 1day without any complications. They are now just shy of 7 weeks and boy has it gotten tough! I have a 2 1/2 year old son as well and I've hardly been alone with all 3 (I don't know how people do it)!! We have a full-time nanny but it's still like tag-team around here...I watch my toddler and she's with the babies or the other way around. I still never get a break because I hate leaving her another time during the day b/c I usually leave her all morning to do an activity with my toddler. We've also had a night nanny about 2x/week because we are just so exhausted. We LOVE our nanny but we will be getting an au pair in 2 months because the nanny is so much $$$!

I agree that if you *can* get some extra help...DO IT! It's your sanity and well-being that will keep your babies happy, do what you need to do for yourself. I found that when my older son was a newborn I could make it through the day because I almost always had some time to myself when he slept...but with 2 it's totally different! Good luck! It will get better!

 

My twins were born at 38 weeks with no complications. My DH stayed home for 2 weeks after their birth. We do live close to our families so they did come by often especially the first month or so. My version and my IL's version of help aren't quite the same. They thought it was helpful to hold a baby (especially while the baby was sleeping) so that I could do dishes or clean or whatever. My Mom works and wasn't able to come during the week, but often visited on the weekends. I think the biggest help we got were meals brought to us for the first few weeks and Grandparents taking my 2.5 yr. old to have some special one on one time. I was feeling pretty guilty about not being able to spend the time I wanted to with her. After my DH went back to work, it was pretty much me during the day. I have a hard time asking for help but I don't necessarily think we would have had someone come into our house all day to help out. I could have used some help in the evenings when they would scream for hours from reflux or colic and if we could have swung some help for a few hours a day we probably would have. But, I also feel like you can't truly get into your own routine and find out that you CAN do this until you're left to do it yourself. I was so scared to leave the house with all 3 kids but once I did it, I knew it was possible. The more I did it, the more I knew I could do it. And I agree with some of the pp. Each person has their own comfort level, so if the idea of doing it solo is just too much and you can afford some help then it may be something to consider (I know you say you're DH is home too, but not sure how much he is able to help). Two months is a very difficult age. That's when I could have used a bit of help he most. I'm sure whatever you decide will be the best one for you and your family.

 

My hubby took 2.5 wks off work (we spent 3 days in the hospital), and at the end of the last week off my parents came down for 10 day. After he went back to work, and my parents went home, I was basically on my own (I have 4 kids). My MIL would come home occassionally but it was never help I could count on, and all she did was play with/hold babies. No dishes, no laundry, no cleaning..etc. So from the time the babies were about 4 wks old I was on my own.

It's hard, no doubt about it. We built a routine/schedule and stuck with what worked for us. I nursed exclusively until the twins were 6 wks old, so i did all the feedings myself. I ended up going to bottles at that time so dh was able to help with some of the evening/nighttime feeds.

If you can get help, fantastic. But you can do it on your own too if you can't afford the help! :hug: 2 months is rough, because you are off your adrenaline high from having them, and exhausted from caring for them. Rest assured, by 3-4 months things start getting easier, and by 5-6 months you'll start to feel like a human again! :hug:

 

At 35 wks, we had 2 wks in the hosp for growing/feeding (no other complications) and then DH stayed home for 2 wks...after I had a major meltdown when he suggested going back after a week. :cry: Since then, I've been on my own with the twins and a 3yo. We have no family within 2 hrs of us and all of my friends work and have busy lives. Hired help simply isn't in our budget. Yes, it's difficult, but it's definitely doable. I agree w/ pp's that you can and will rise to the occasion if need be. The more you do it, the more you gain confidence...not to mention survival tricks! I've reached the point now (at 8mos) that sometimes we do worse on the weekends when DH is home and "helping." Quite often it just seems like our routine gets all goofed up more than anything (NOT to say I don't appreciate what he does...I'm just used to my "system" these days). I should add that DH is a fabulous help and has been since day one. I don't know how I would have survived those early months without his support! It definitely helps to have a good partner for assistance and emotional support.

If you can afford help and you feel it would benefit you, then I say go for it! But know that you CAN survive those early months...and they go quick!!! BTW, to all of you mommies that are doing it totally alone due to deployed spouses, etc...you are my HEROES!!!!!!! :clapping: :bow2:

Eve

 

We've had no help. My boys were born at 29 weeks and came home at 37 weeks (8 week NICU stay). I'm with the boys 24/7. My husband took his 10 days of leave given by the Navy once the boys came home. Since then he would go to work at 7am and come home around 5pm or later. Once again, he's military so there's plenty of times that he's worked 18 hours, 24 hours, etc. It all depends on what needs to be done.

He deployed about 2 weeks ago so it's literally just me 24/7 with no help. It's me, the boys, and our dog. We get up at 9am and they drink a bottle, then nap a bit, then up for some play time, then another bottle at 1pm, nap again, have some baby food (very little since they're still learning) at 3pm, bottle at 5pm, nap, play, bed time bottle at 9pm, followed by a bath and usually in bed before 10pm. So I have a few hours at night to myself.

It's completely doable. I have to admit, I don't really find it hard at all. I deal just fine w/ one crying (if that happens) while I feed the other. I actually get really annoyed w/ moms with singletons that talk about horrible life is and how they are "dying." Ok that mainly is about someone in particular, who has a husband home and her mom lives with her. Ugh, please.

 

My mom comes by 3-5 times a week while I go to the gym and the girls take a nap. While she is here she normally starts my laundry, does the dishes, picks up, or anything else she finds. Its awesome. If you can get help a few hours a day, I think thats super helpful. Other than that, I am on my own and its totally doable. My girls are difficult babies so I havent really been able to find anyone who can take care of them without getting frustrated. I would probably have enjoyed a night nurse if I wasnt breastfeeding!

 

None. Our family is 3hrs away and my mum is pretty ill. She watched the kids in the days leading up to my section and the day of the birth - that maxed her out and they left the day we got home from hospital.

My husband was off the first month, but we literally moved into our new home 10days after they were born, so he was pretty busy with that (new construction). I've been on my own with all 5 kids and have him when he's home from work and there is nothing that needs being done.

That being said - if you CAN get help, GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trust me - get as much as you're offered!!!! And enjoy it!

 

Katie-i never had help but by babies just hit 5 months and I remember feeling as you describe at 2-3.5 months but the routine takes shape if your consistent with feeding every three hrs followed by play and then sleep. Right at about 3.5 months things became more predictable:and so much easier. It seems to be getting better all the time now-hang in there!

 

I had daily help for the first 4 months. My mom came 3 days a week and my grandparents came one day a week. DH was able to get Fridays off with state paid family leave. At about 4 months I had help 2-3 days a week. Now my mom still comes one day a week so I can get laundry done and clean. I think I would have gone crazy without the help. My babies were very colicky, especially DS. I spent about half of my time nursing them during the early months. My helper would take care of one baby while I nursed the other. Night time help would have been nice, but we couldn't afford it, and I need to nurse them anyway.

 

None. With our babies, I'm pretty much Mom and Dad to them. My hubby works 12 hr shifts, 6 days a week. So basically his only off time is on Sundays and he just wants to relax on that day, can't blame him. He does help me get them into bed every night. My mom comes over for about an hour or so a couple of evenings a week and my MIL, well we won't go there. I basically do everything myself and to be quite honest, I wouldn't want anyone coming in and disrupting our routine. When my babies were your babies age, it was very overwhelming, stressful and quite confining. It does get better despite what you may think. But if you can get help, either from a family member or hiring a nanny, go for it!....then call me jealous!

 

Get help if you can! :clapping:

Mine were born at 36 weeks (no complications) via c-section. I had no help. Husband stayed for 3 weeks (very busy self-employed business) and then I was (and still am) all on my on from 8 am - 6 pm. My mom passed away, family fell apart and in-laws have full time jobs. Night shifts were always mine too. People asked me if I was ill and I was showing up to doctor's appointments on wrong days but I guess I survived.

We could have hired help but I have a weird feeling of strangers being in my house so I had to manage everything myself (babies, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry) and not complain because every time I would, my husband would suggest getting help and I would refuse and we would :catfight:

Good luck!

 

I had no help with the twins. My mom lives next door and she took my older two, which was a lifesaver. I could not have taken care of all four on my own. My husband had to go back to work three days after I came home from the hospital and was working 12-16 hour days all summer. It was brutal and the first three months is a big blur. It also didn't help that we were in the process of moving. The only outside help I had and still have is a cleaning lady every two weeks.

If I could have afforded help, I would have gotten some in a heartbeat. My husband works a rotating schedule so I am often alone overnight and when the boys were still both waking up it was really bad. I would have killed for a night nurse. I would have still gotten up to nurse, but then I would have been able to hand the babies off when I finished and go back to bed. There were many nights that I would get no sleep because just as I got one fed and back down, his brother would wake.

What is the most stressful part for you? I would look into having help for that. I don't think there is one right type of help.

 

Help is good! Hehehehe. Let's see - the first months were a blur. DH was off for a week, then my mom came for a week (my family all lives far away), from there on out, it was help that was here and there from offers of friends and my DH's family. I'm nursing, so most of the baby care (feedings) couldn't be delegated. But we hired a cleaning lady who comes once a week. THAT has been my sanity saver. She is so thorough and just takes that one big stress off my shoulders. Also once my family help left, friends/church members started bringing meals for a couple weeks. I didn't have to cook then for about a month.

So I agree, try to figure out what things would help you the most, and find someone to help you with them!

 

My mom lives on the same street, so she's been coming down daily since DH went back to work at 4 weeks. Mostly she just does the bottles for the next 24 hours and dishes, which is a huge lifesaver. She's also been here so that I can take a shower and go to the grocery once a week. She's been here only a handful of times overnight, when DH was sick or away.

A few weeks ago she went on vacation, and I thought I wasn't going to make it, but a day into it, I realized how capable I actually am. It's super hard when you are in the first few months, so having help is wonderful. It's one of those things where you CAN do it by yourself, but it's just less stressful to have help.

Good luck to you!

 

For the first month, friends/neighbors brought us dinners which was really nice. My friends also took my older son 2-3 nights a week. Other than that, we had no help except for my best friend who came once a week to take care of the babies while I got a break and some sleep. My in-laws came for 10 days but their idea of help was not helpful so I ended up taking care of them in addition to 3 kids. If you can afford it and feel you need it, do it. Life became very bearable when they babies only woke 2x a night so that I got one waking, my husband got the other and we both got sleep.

 

Our boys were born at 37w 2d and had no complications. Hubby took a week off of work and we did everything on our own. I had people offer to help, but I am an OCD person and wanted everything done a certain way. I definitely don't regret it and like another person said I really don't find it that hard. We have a great schedule and family is always complimenting me on how easy I make everything look. I tell them it took a lot of time and effort, but it has paid off. I feel like our family is well-oiled machine. People ask me "how do you do it?" and I want to respond "I don't have a choice, I just do it."

 

We pretty much exhausted our resources while I was on bedrest for 14 wks. My parents were doing our laundry and friends were taking the older kids for a bit. Then when we delivered the girls it all kind of stopped. My parents did fly with the older kids up to my sister's for 2 wks when we brought the girls home (which was a blessing until we missed them so much and vowed to never do that again!).

Once everyone was home, everyone just kind of left us I was also finishing my last semester of nursing school. Talk about stressful! But friends and family still said I made it look easy. Huh. That's funny! It was so overwhelmingly stressful but it's over now. Now we're in a place where things have calmed down and I'm enjoying all 4 of my kiddos. Yes, it's still stressful but much more manageable and enjoyable.

If you have the opportunity to get help then by all means take it. We all know how hard it is. I think it's especially more difficult when twins are your first babies. At least with older children you know what NOT to expect from newborns

 

No help here either. I never even considered it. DH and I were home together until the babies were 8 weeks old and then I went back to work. I got up with them at night until they started STTN about 4 1/2 months old. My family is about an hour away but my mom works 2 jobs and my dad works too so I can use them on weekends if DH and I want a dinner out or to go shopping but otherwise we haven't even figured out babysitters, etc for if we just want a night out in town. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a night nanny and doubt there is anyone like that up here in our small town. Personally, just having twins was enough of a financial stress that we didn't even think about help. Now we pay someone to come in twice a month and clean because we never had time for floors, bathrooms, etc and that is totally worth it.

 

I had my MIL the first week. DH the next week and my mom for the next two weeks. I then had hired help for a month including weekedns. I was so stressed out and sleep deprived those first few week. The main thing I wanted to do was sleep. If you can afford it please get help.

 

There is nothing wrong with getting help!! MY DH was home for the first month, but then after that he was gone for 3 months. We are stationed in Japan, and none of our family could afford to fly out here. I don't have very many friends, so I had one friend who would come over once in a while when I felt like I was going to lose it. I think I had to cry myself to sleep every night because of the stress. I would have LOVED help, but it wasn't an option for me . I hope that you are able to get the help you need!!

 

Im answering without reading the other posts first....
I didn't have help and Jim was gone the first 6 months... However... I don't know that I would suggest doing it that way. I did it cause I had to, not because I wanted to. IF we could have afforded help, I think I would have liked a nanny twice a week for 5 hours each time. That would be perfect so I could run to the store. Get one on one time with each child. Get stuff done around the house. Just feel refreshed in general. THat would have been (and maybe even still) my dream. Don't feel guilty about knowing you need help and getting it!