How much does your DH do?

Does your DH take both babies off your hands regularly so that you get a break? I'm still on maternity leave right now and taking care of both babies alone. I end up doing most feedings at night even if it is only one baby. We've done shifts, but it's not consistent and DH seems to resent me asking for that. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally by the time he gets home from work each day. He seems to believe that helping me with them is enough when what I really need is relief.

I know this will be different when I go back to work in a couple weeks, but then I'm worried about doing all the night feedings, going to work early and working late.

I'm just curious how it works in other homes with twins.

BTW - a huge problem around here is that I am the soother for both. DH gets stressed when they cry on him and won't settle down and can't deal. Also, he is not good at getting them to sleep. I'm working on being able to put them down and not have to rock and such to go to sleep at night at least.

 

evidentally not enough.. i divorced him last year.. lol..

that being said i understand alot more with him being gone..

i say make out a chore list.. and stick to it..

the only thing i begged him to do was put the dishes away so that i could reload the dishwasher ,

he couldnt/wouldnt do that..

i got up and nursed both babies.. then went to work..

it just wasnt in the cards for us to stay together..

i hope you find better answers than i have for you..

 

We struggled with this too... mainly because I nurse and would never take a bottle and they dont want anything but THEIR BOOB when they are upset!! LOL In the early days DH did get up and reinsert pacis or rock a bye a baby in the middle of the night, but for the most part those days are behind us and they only 'allowed' daddy to help for a short period of their little lives (does that make sense LOL)

We did sit down and HASH IT OUT around the 3 month mark, I was SO tired, SO stressed and SO overwhelmed. (we also have 3 older children) He now helps with EVERY BATH all five kids, he will feed babies at meal time so I can eat a hot meal and he will sit down and eat when the twinkies are done and he has given them a cracker to eat. He plays with them for an hour or so in the evening about 5 nights a week, so I can clean up, get on the computer or go running.

I know that there will always be an 'unbalance' in our amount of house work, probably because I am a SAHM, but I am okay with that as long as he apprceiates me and at least makes an effort to help out. I promise as they get older and more interactive it will get easier, men have a tendancy to 'like' their babies more once they can play with them and start teaching them things like sticking their tongues out!! LOL... Good luck!

 

My DH didn't help out a whole lot, but if I really needed him, he would... but I had to be loud to get his attention.

He hasn't helped at all with the new baby, but he isn't needed. She is an angel, and I am supermom... I do it all on my own...

 

We have the same issue ... I am the soother ... they only scream louder when he takes then ... my Mom says it is always like that ... that your kids want Mommy when they are upset and Daddy when they want to play ... LOL ... I DO still call her when I am upset and cry in her ear!

We decided that he needed to do more with them so that they will know him more ... he works a lot ... and overnight a lot (he is a physician) so is not around as much as he (or I) would like him to be. So, when he is there ... he feeds them their solids (just started a few weeks ago) and he reads them their books before naps ... things like that.

He was very reluctant to give me breaks by taking both babies. He would just get so nervous that they would get hungry or something (BF babies who won't take bottles) and he would have a double meltdown on his hands. It took just jumping in and DOING it for him to feel comfortable that he could handle it ... and I am lucky that he was willing to do that so that I can get out ... even if I just go to Starbucks for 30 minutes ... or go for a jog.

Part of our problem, too, was a was a micromanager ... he says ... which I can see =) ... and he said when I was always telling him how to do things that it made him not want to help me ... so I make a big effort not to tell him how to do anything ... even if it means watching him fumble through a few things that I know won't work ... he usually figures everything out ...

He does a lot of the cooking in our house (way over 50%) and helps out with dishes and stuff when he can. As for the babies ... it is me a lot of the time b/c he just isn't there ... and at night I never wake him unless it is a double meltdown. HE does help a lot on the weekends. We just try to respect each other and when I give him baby-free, expectation-free time ... he will usually turn around and do the same for me.

 

I guess I am lucky b/c my DH has done ALOT, I don' know what I would have done without him. In the begining we took shifts, it's the only way that we could survive, I slept from 9p-1a and he slept from 1a-6:30a and then got up and went to work all day. Then at 6 weeks we decided to each take a baby, he took our "good sleeper" and I the "bad sleeper". Now that my DS is sttn, I get up during the week to feed/soothe DD and he gets up on Friday and Saturday nights so that I can have a break. Also, he will watch both of them on Saturday afternoon so I can get out and run errands and have a break, although I do try to time it with when the babies take their longest nap so he doesn't have much to do. And now that I am back to work 2 evenings a week, he is in charge of all care from when he gets home at 5:30 until they go to bed (usually around 7). I am the major soother for my DD, but DS is a daddy's boy, so it works out pretty well there.

 

When mine were nursing in the night he would get up and change them and bring them to me, so I didn't have to get out of bed. That was huge for me, the not having to get up part. I had to wake up to feed them, but at least I could keep lying down. He's better at falling back to sleep, so it wasn't too bad for him to quickly change them and hand them over.

Mine does at least 90% of the cooking, and I am a SAHM. We had split it before, and while I was nursing he just took over and it turns out he's just way better at it. So, he cooks, I wash the dishes.

He is responsible for all yardwork and any cleaning of the car and garage that gets done. That doesn't get done all that often, but I don't care.

Mine also didn't take bottles, so I did not really get out alone, BUT DH was always there to go with me grocery shopping. I think that ONCE I took them to the dr by myself, but other than that I never had to take them out by myself until they were 2.5 and would listen to me. He was always there for dr appts, grocery shopping, etc.

He did all of the housework during my first trimester when the dr told me not to, and half of it for the rest of my pregnancy. He is always willing to pitch in with a quick vacuuming or something if I need help. He also cleans the glass and the kitchen/guest bath counters if someone is coming over.

It is a lot easier now that mine are 5, but I would say he did quite a bit, esp when I compare him to my ex!

If you really, really need that time away, you'll have to talk it through with him and make him understand you can't be a good mommy if you don't get some quiet time to complete your own thoughts. It's not like you're asking him to take over full time, you just want an hour or two to yourself every week.

And if you both have to get up for work, then you both have to help with nighttime babies. Some couples alternate nights, or they split the night so each gets to sleep for half the night without getting up.

 

QUOTE(*Sully* @ Jan 7 2008, 11:55 AM) [snapback]561018[/snapback]
BTW - a huge problem around here is that I am the soother for both. DH gets stressed when they cry on him and won't settle down and can't deal. Also, he is not good at getting them to sleep. I'm working on being able to put them down and not have to rock and such to go to sleep at night at least.


Don't worry, that part gets a whole lot better, I went from having to rock both twins to sleep for every nap and at night for at least 10-30 minutes to being able to lay them in their cribs awake and have them asleep with 5 minutes of fussing.

 

I have been pretty lucky too. My DH helps a lot. When the kids were little and not sleeping through the night, they always seemed to get up at the same time to eat, so he would feed one and I would feed the other. I am not sure how he made it through work the next day with the amount of sleep he had, but he did and never complained about it. Now that the kids are sleeping through the night, if one of them wakes in the middle of the night for whatever reason, I always get up. He has tuned them out unless I wake him up and ask him to take a turn. After I went back to work, we take turns on the weekend getting up with the kids so one of us always gets at least one day to sleep in. Sometimes I have to ask him to help with the cleaning and cooking, but for the most part we are pretty good team with everything.

 

My DH sometimes offers "enough" help, but we've had our arguments. I am a SAHM and plan on being so for a few years (I just finished my Master's in Healthcare Manangement and now I am off to Nursing School) so I guess you can say going to school is my job as well as caring for the twins. DH works 6 days a week, each day about 12 hours. He never really helped with nighttime feedings, only in the beginning. Maybe the first 2 weeks. Luckily, they now both sleep through the night (they are 7 months old now and have been sleeping through the night since 4 months, thankfully). Now that they are, daytime baby care is easier for me and I don't ask for much help unless I really need it. The babies are asleep usually by the time DH gets home anyway. He feels bad that he can't see them that much....So on his day off, he gets up for the first feeding and I sleep in I so look forward to that day...lol...I get to sleep until at least 10am...The babies wake up at 7:30am or 7.

In the beginning, we were always arguing. Almost on a daily basis. It was really hard. It was always about who was doing more with the twins, how exhasuted we each were, him having to go to work and me being a SAHM, how he thought I had it easier, etc. The list goes on. I think a lot of couples with twins go through this stage, at least from what I read here!

Don't worry, it will get better. Just hang in there!

 

My dh helps in his own way, but I would still say I do about 90% of the baby-related work. I always took care of all of the night feedings - I was breastfeeding anyway, and I quickly discovered that it was easier to just do it on my own than have to deal with a cranky, overtired dh. When they were little I would occasionally get out for an hour or two by leaving him with bottles of expressed BM (yes, I was lucky - my boys would take bottles if we needed them to).

Now that they're older and more high maintenance to care for, I don't leave him alone much with them when they're awake. I do often get out during their afternoon nap, however, since my dh often works from home and can listen for them in case they wake up. Twice I have even braved a day excursion to visit a friend who lives out of town, though I prepare all meals and snacks in advance for him and am home on time for supper. He survived both times, but you'd think he'd just survived WWIII from his complaining about how hard it was (and the house looked like it had gone through a war as well). I think it's good for them to experience that every once in a while - makes them appreciate the life of a SAHM a little more.

 

Thank you all for the quick replies! So apparently what I'm experiencing here is normal huh? I am not nursing, but I am pumping for them (about 50-55 oz/day, which takes time and energy, but that's a whole other post) so they take the bottle and DH can do that (not the way I'd like, but *sigh* at least he does it). He has always been fantastic at helping with the daily chores of dishes, sweeping, yard work, picking up and I take care of the automobiles, finances, laundry and shopping. This is all still fine and much better now that I'm not pregnant and can do my share, which I don't mind.

I guess I didn't expect how complicated it would be to leave both of them with him or to get isolated blocks of sleep when he is my only relief. I think he is so fearful of them melting down that he doesn't want me gone for long. I guess I need to keep asking and hopefully things will improve. Mostly it's the sleep problem that is getting to me. We are constantly arguing over who got the least sleep. My mom comes and helps out and I get sleep and feel better physically, but DH is tired of my folks being around and in our business.

We are going to have to come to some kind of agreement when I return to work. I really like the shifts and would like to do that again. I'm afraid that things have escalated though to the point that we're not treating each other very nicely or negotiating things well in regards to the twins.

 

Same issues here. My DH doesn't help a ton without being asked loudly. It really irritates me sometimes and we do argue about it. He was the same with my older DD, but it wasn't a huge deal since I only had her. He doesn't deal well with crying kids or the commotion of having kids. Wish he was better, but I guess I knew how he was before the twins.

 

My DH has always been very helpful. It was either that or he would have to stand there staring at me while I tried to take care of two screaming infants and that would have been difficult to explain!

We have done shifts at night since day 1. In the beginning he did the first set of night feeds and was on duty from 10pm-2am or so. I then did the 2am to 6am. Now, they are 7mos. and nighttime is a lot better but he is now responsible for the first feed up until 5:30am and then if they only wake up after 5:30 I take care of everything. We both work, he is a superintendent with a contractor and I work from home licensing databases.

He also takes DD while I take DS during our nighttime routine - walk in baby bjorns, then inside and we play on the floor while DH makes bottles and then we do sponge baths and bottles and bed. He does DD entirely and I do DS entirely during this time.

DH often goes out for groceries on the weekends and goes to get us Starbucks on Sat. and Sun. He also oftentimes stops to pick up something for dinner if I have not been able to get out. He does golf on Saturday afternoon but I would say he deserves it.

I really do think that things will get better for you. I think it is difficult for them to find their place. DH used to drive me crazy in the beginning because he would find every reason in the world to run out to the store or to run an errand etc.. and it became obvious that he was trying to get out of the house. We had a talk about it and he admitted he felt claustrophobic and I listened nicely and calmly said that he had two more weeks to go ahead and run away when he felt like he was getting closed in and I would not say a word but after two weeks he had better get over it or we were going to be arguing non-stop. He used those two weeks to get it out of his system and no problem since - although he is awfully eager to run errands on the weekends !

Amy

 

I can't understand how your DH can't be more involved. It breaks my heart when I read that. Having children should always be a 50/50 split, no matter who works inside or out of the house. My DH is beyond involved. For the first 6 months I was home with them and he worked full time. For the first month of their life, we were both home. DH would sleep from 9pm-3am and I would sleep from 3am-9am. We both QUICKLY learned how to take care of both babies by ourselves so that the other one could get a good long stretch of sleep. Once he went back to work, I did all night feedings, but sometimes if I had a practicularly bad night, I would wake him, and he would send me off to sleep and take care of them until he left for work, and wouldn't wake me until literally he had to walk out the door.

Obviously everything was better once they slept through, but he has been capable from day 1 of taking care of the babies by himself. I'm gone out for the whole day with friends. I've gone out to many dinners with my girlfriends, and he takes care of them without me, and more importantly, without feeling like he is doing me some great favor.

I think you really need to sit down and talk to your husband and explain that raising kids is HARD, and you both need to be equally invested and involved.

I remember my first day back at work, and my friend said to me "Oh, it must be so hard for you to be here!" and my reaction was "Hard? I miss them like crazy ... but this isn't hard!! I've been able to go to the bathroom without leaving the door open and rushing through it! I took lunch and ate slowly and read a book for AN HOUR!"

work isn't that hard in comparison to the work that I did when I stayed home. Not even close!

Good luck! You deserve a helping hand.
Erica

 

QUOTE(xavier2001 @ Jan 7 2008, 05:29 PM) [snapback]561102[/snapback]
I guess I am lucky b/c my DH has done ALOT, I don' know what I would have done without him. In the begining we took shifts, it's the only way that we could survive, I slept from 9p-1a and he slept from 1a-6:30a and then got up and went to work all day.


We did this exactly until they were 6-1/2 weeks and they started sleeping better. I get up with them most of the time now that they sleep a lot better and much longer - also because I'm a SAHM and DH works full-time. He hangs out with them in eve along with me and I can get a break in there too since I am with them several hours straight and up during the night with them. He's awesome on weekends too and will be with them while I scrapbook or run an errand, but of course, this is relatively new and happening more now that they are a couple of months old. I don't know what I'd do without his help - go insane probably .

 

I had the same issue for the first 3 months and it was so incredibly frustrating. And as a SAHM I think part of you sometimes feels guilty for asking for a lot of help but you have to get over it (actually, I didn't...too much pride, just waited it out and prayed). Now at almost 7 months, DH has really stepped up. It started around the 5 month mark when they were able to be more playful with him. DH is all about playing and they like it as well so he feels like that HIS job or contribution to the family other than bread winner and temporary baby holder. I've done all night time feedings since their second week home. I nurse exclusively so he got lucky there. And as far as changing the diapers, well, by the time I woke him up three times and passed him a baby and looked over his shoulder to make sure he did it right, I could just do it myself. I was a tad bit obsessive in the beginning. Then once they started sleeping through, I stopped all the changings altogether.

I know things will get better for you guys. I think the first couple of months are really tough for everyone and it was by far the most taxing time of our relationship to date.

P.S.
In 7 months, my DH has been alone with both babies THREE TIMES! And that's when they were no older than 2.5 months.

 

We split everything 50/50 here. They are after all 50% his kids too! We'd be divorced in a big hurry if he was lazy or just assumed he could come home from work and watch TV or tinker in the garage! I'm a SAHM too but would absolutely not tolerate a man who was not able to bathe,feed,change or play with his children without having to ask him. We work great as a team! My DH also works 2 high stress jobs(psychiatric nurse). We have a 4yr old ds and 4 month old b/g twins and the kids adore dh and don't seem to favour mommy over daddy which makes life much easier. I guess I'm just a very liberated woman and assume since the 1950's are well over that dh should contribute more than just his paycheck.

 

QUOTE(canucktwins @ Jan 7 2008, 08:21 PM) [snapback]562004[/snapback]
We split everything 50/50 here. They are after all 50% his kids too! We'd be divorced in a big hurry if he was lazy or just assumed he could come home from work and watch TV or tinker in the garage! I'm a SAHM too but would absolutely not tolerate a man who was not able to bathe,feed,change or play with his children without having to ask him. We work great as a team! My DH also works 2 high stress jobs(psychiatric nurse). We have a 4yr old ds and 4 month old b/g twins and the kids adore dh and don't seem to favour mommy over daddy which makes life much easier. I guess I'm just a very liberated woman and assume since the 1950's are well over that dh should contribute more than just his paycheck.


I completely agree. The same goes here. DH and I do everything 50/50. He works full time and I am a SAHM. We split night shifts. I give him longer to sleep because he does have to leave the house and go to work. Here is the rough "schedule" we have

Dh goes to bed around 10-11pm. He sleeps until 5am and gets up and ready for work. I also get to sleep but I'm out in the livingroom with the girls and feeding every 3 hours.

I then get to sleep in bed away from the girls from 6am-8:30am. Dh has to leave at 8:30am to take our son to school and then go to work.

I am with the girls all day from 8:30am-4pm. Dh gets son off the bus and then comes home. He is then on duty again and I go sleep in bed usually from about 4:30pm-8 pm-ish.

I breastfeed but also pump so dh has plenty of bm to feed the girls.

On the weekends we switch it up. I get to sleep in bed from 10pm-7am (ish) and dh takes care of the girls all night long. It helps SO much to be able to get naps in. I believe BOTH mom and dad need some uninterrupted sleep. Yes, dh may work outside the home but mom works just as hard (if not harder) in the home and both parties need rest.

I'm feel bad for all the mommies doing it alone. I couldn't imagine that. I believe the mom/dad unit is a team and it's pretty much US against the babies..lol

 

He helps more than i see. I tend to also think i should tell him every step which totally frustrates him... I am learning too. LOL... I can say that i do about 90% of feedings and changing diapers. Mainly because he works then he is working in our yard doing something. He is very much a outdoorsman. This summer it will be much easier because he is so eager to take the babies out with him. Then i will get breaks. He watches the kids as i go to the store etc and when i take my hot baths at night. He is all that he is to be honest. He is a fabulous dad and will only get better just the baby stage (not now but earlier) is just hard for him to bond with as much. I am thrilled to know that my kids have a fabulous dad to love them. He does alot of the cooking too, i mainly do all the cleaning up. Again i tend to be the perfectionist and i am cleaning as he is cooking... It all works out and as long as he gives me a few minutes after i have worked all day too i have little to no complaints. He was home for a month after they were born and he helped alot. I was home till they were almost 3 months and once he went back i just started doing all the night work. ON the weekends tell him to go get one and have no arguments... So all in all it works out, they sleep through the night, they crawl around and play with us and it gets easier and easier when it comes to the wife and husband part. We take priorities for US, we always get "together" every other or third night and make us a priority in it all. I dont want to loose us between it all we worked to hard to get here and sometimes we have to understand that. Good luck!

 

I am a SAHM also. Sometimes DH says smart comments that he goes to work so he does not have to do this or that. I tell him he better help b/c they are his kids too. He does help a lot with the older two kids. He will play a board game with them or read to them while I am tying to get the babies in bed. Sometimes I do have to ask for his help though which I hate do ask. He will help if both are screaming, he will take DD. DS is VERY overly needy. I breastfeed him so DH can't help much with DS and DS is VERY VERY attached to me. Sometimes he won't even go to DH.

DH does look at me like I am crazy sometimes when I hand him the babies when he gets home from work. I do not care though. I just hand them to him and tell him they are his kids too. Then he usually shuts up. It is very tiring to be with the babies 24/7. Sometimes I do go days taking 100% care of them and it will wear you out.

 

I know that dh got frustrated a lot because I breastfed and they wanted their mommy. Actually, as an infant, Audrey was more of a daddy's girl. But, no one but mommy would do for Clayton. I'm not blaming breastfeeding at all. It's just babies tend to love their mommies.
My dh helped quite a bit during the first few months. In the hospital I don't think I changed one diaper! It is not a 50/50 split here, but he will help when needed.

 

DH and I both work FT outside the home. When we are both home, we split everything 50-50. We either take turns with the babies or we'll each take one. or he feeds them while I wash bottles and mix formula. Or he takes the garbage out while I start dinner. if he has to work on a weekend, I take them by myself, but then he relieves me when he gets home so I can run errands or get my nails done, whatever I want. If he goes to a football game on Sunday while I watch the babies, then he'll watch the babies while I go to a hockey game later in the week. We take turns and he's never complained about it or questioned it . . . well, EXCEPT when it comes to poopy diapers - then somehow they are MY children alone <_<

 

QUOTE(SilvrHeart @ Jan 8 2008, 11:01 AM) [snapback]562721[/snapback]
DH and I both work FT outside the home. When we are both home, we split everything 50-50. We either take turns with the babies or we'll each take one. or he feeds them while I wash bottles and mix formula. Or he takes the garbage out while I start dinner. if he has to work on a weekend, I take them by myself, but then he relieves me when he gets home so I can run errands or get my nails done, whatever I want. If he goes to a football game on Sunday while I watch the babies, then he'll watch the babies while I go to a hockey game later in the week. We take turns and he's never complained about it or questioned it . . . well, EXCEPT when it comes to poopy diapers - then somehow they are MY children alone <_<


This is how I hope things will be for us once I go back to work FT. I think it will help that DH will be working from home on Tues and taking care of the twins. Now that's going to be an awakening for him.

Last night I asked for relief and he gave it to me. I guess I just have to ask. From what I read there are about three camps here: the mom does it all, the mom and dad split it up and the mom does most and must ask dad for help and tell him what needs done. Right now I think we're in that last camp, but I hope as time progresses that we'll be in the second. I agree that as the babies grow it will improve when he can interact with them.

Since we had preemies, the feeding schedule has been rigorous. I look forward to the day that I can actually even consider them sleeping more than three hours at a time. I think we're going to separate them at night and see if one or the other can go longer. Right now I think they're playing off one another.

 

Our situation is a bit unique, because we're both stay-at-home parents right now -- and we pretty much split all the child care and housework evenly. We don't have some magic formula or agreed-upon chores, rather, we just work together and do whatever needs to get done.

My DH drives DD to school in the morning, and then he stays out and does errands, but also "plays" -- hits golf balls, goes to the gym, etc. He then picks her up and brings her home at 1pm. By this point, I am (sometimes, LOL) showered and dressed, and if I have enough breastmilk in the fridge, I am free to go out and do whatever I want to do. He is absolutely comfortable taking care of all three kids at once, can feed both babies together with no problem, and knows exactly what to do to soothe them.

Frankly, he can do everything I do besides lactate!

We each have our strengths, of course -- I tend to do the babies' baths, because I like it, and I'm better at it. He's much better at cajoling our cranky 3-year-old into getting ready for bed without melting down (I tend to lose my patience).

Because we're both home, I never see it as DH "helping" with the babies -- that sounds as odd to me as if someone asked how much I help with the babies -- we both take care of them, because they're equally our kids.

Now, I get that our roles would be different if one of us worked outside the home -- clearly the other person would do the childcare during the day. Still, it bothers me that some SAHM's have to ask their DH's to help....

 

I am sorry I did not have time to read all the replies... but my DH did/ does very little. Now that the boys are older he is having an easier time taking one of them off my hands. I was unable to trust him alone with anyone until about 6 months ago. We had several serious close calls/ scary things happen due to his negligence while one was in his care more than once. I still worry when he takes one out because of these... But I need help and have to trust him to be a good father. He also is now basically responsible for bedtime routine. But until a few months ago, it felt like all me. He did help sometimes with overnight feedings after a few months and I had gone back to work. I was (am still sometimes) so resentful towards him about this.

Try teaching your DH (if he is willing, mine was not) the "S's" how to Swaddle/ burito wrap, Shoossssh, & Swing the babies. That may make him more comfortable with bedtime and comforting them if he has some definition set to what works for them.