How much do you "prescribe" for babysitters and bedtime?

Little background: My 3-yr-old has always hated going to bed. We did CIO for like months (after he was 1) before he would give up and just go to sleep. Now, he has good enough communication skills so that he protests every night, but I use threats of fewer books or songs or whatever, and he straightens up. He still tries to delay by asking questions, or getting scared or wanting more water, or whatever. It doesn't last very long, especially if DH is also home - he goes to bed pretty good for us.

I talked to the day sitter (I'm a WOHM) and she said he always kind of talk-whines at nap time, but she holds a firm line, tells him this is what we do every day and he has to be quiet, even if he doesn't sleep.

The problem: our night sitter is just a teenager (only 13, but mature) and she isn't quite as firm. She's now watched the kids 3 times for us. She has no problem with the twins - they go to bed relatively well, though DS2 might fuss just a bit. But Drew is such a struggle for her. The first time, he was on the couch when we got home. The second time, he cried and she finally got him quiet in bed. This last time, he wanted her to lay on the floor in his room, so she did, for 2 hours! She was afraid that he'd wake up if she got up. She thinks she dozed off a bit.

I want her to enjoy watching our kids. I've told her it's okay if he fusses, but she doesn't want to let him. I remember being her age, and I couldn't stand to let kids cry. I've told her it's fine if he stays on the couch in the living room and just falls asleep there. I am not worried about him - going to sleep a few hours' later one night isn't going to hurt him. I'm worried about her - I don't want her to be stressed or worried so much about him. She was going to let him stay on the couch this last time, but he wanted to go to bed.

Basically, I think he's a 3-yr-old seeing how much he can get away with with the babysitter. Is it appropriate for me to try to set limits and/or consequences for him with the babysitter? I don't know if he'd completely understand, especially if she doesn't enforce them exactly the way I set them out (if she'd even want to enforce them at all). I'd love for her to be a long-time babysitter, but I'm afraid she's setting a dangerous precedent with letting him get his way so much. Is this something I need to work out with him or with her?

I'm sure others have been through this - what did you do?

 

I don't see why you couldn't tell him ahead of time that this is how we go to sleep (what is expected), then give her explicit instructions, "he can read one book then after he is not allowed out of the bedroom past 8:00 for any reason," whatever your rules are. Then tell him the consequences for not doing what is expected. "If you do not go to sleep when asked, we will not go to the park tomorrow/you won't get to pick out your clothes" and make sure that she tells you whether or not he followed the rules.

I know my two would probably try something like that (once), but they understand that there are consequences for not following instructions. That's why they don't have any My Little Ponies or cars in the living room right now. They get them back tomorrow.

 

In general, I figure that however the babysitter can deal with them, that's fine with me. Kids can understand that different people have different rules, and an occasional night of having some lie down with him is not going to ruin his sleep habits. Plus, we generally have the opposite problem -- we give the babysitter all these instructions for what to do if the kids are awful, and then they're perfect angels. :laughing:

However, since your main concern is wanting her not to be miserable, I agree with Bex. Give her the leeway to do what she has to, but make sure he understands the rules and consequences, and knows that SHE knows the rules and will tell you if he doesn't follow them. That way, hopefully she will feel like she can let him cry if that's what he insists on doing -- or if she decides to give in instead, at least there will be some consequence for him and hopefully he'll be better next time.

 

Thanks for the responses. Bex - I'm impressed - I wasn't completely sure Drew would understand if he suffered consequences tomorrow for something that happened today. "Yesterday" for him is prior to the last time he slept (that morning, before his nap, or yesterday or even just the last time he did something). Your kids are younger than Drew, but obviously suffering consequences the next day for something they do today works. We've only mostly done immediate consequences. One time he tore up a book and the other books were "sad" for a few days and he didn't get his bedtime stories, but that's it.

I'll have to try that and enforce it. I wasn't sure I could - but like you said, even if he does it next time, if we follow-up with consequences the next morning, he won't do it again.

Thanks again!

 

My kids push boundaries with a sitter so I find I need to hire more experienced sitters for them who aren't afraid to be firm. Our two favorite sitters are both young (college kids) but have taken babysitting classes. One gets most of her work through our local twins club so she's had a ton of multiples experience. The other is a natural -- just seems to know how to handle things. Neither of them find my kids to be difficult.

And yes, I give the kids the expectations/consequences speech before the sitter arrives and that does help. But, it won't keep them from getting out of bed to see how she'll react so the sitter still needs to be able to handle that.