How long did you have full-time help? (If you did!)

My DD is expecting twin boys in April. She lives 325 miles away from me. I plan to be there as much as she needs me but of course neither of us has any idea how much that might be. For those of you who had moms/moms-in-law/other help for the first few weeks, what would you suggest? Did someone stay with you 24/7 for a while, and if so, for how long? I'm just wondering what to plan on. Realistically, I can't stay with her for weeks on end (although as a first-time grandma, I'll probably be very tempted, lol!) and I don't want DD to become too dependent on me either. I'm thinking it might be hard to strike the right balance that works best for everyone.

My DD must to go back to work after 4-6 weeks which of course I just hate for her sake. That is so soon after giving birth but she doesn't have paid maternity leave and they will not be able to afford for her to have more time off than that. Child care costs may eat up all of her wages but she needs the benefits/insurance. I may offer to stay with them for a few weeks after she goes back to work which will help them adjust and also to help with child care costs for a while. But again, I don't want to do "too much" if you know what I mean. DD is the type that would let me do it all if I volunteered, and I don't want that to become an issue.

Any input you have about your own experiences or what would have helped you would be appreciated!

Thanks!

 

My DD is expecting twin boys in April. She lives 325 miles away from me. I plan to be there as much as she needs me but of course neither of us has any idea how much that might be. For those of you who had moms/moms-in-law/other help for the first few weeks, what would you suggest? Did someone stay with you 24/7 for a while, and if so, for how long? I'm just wondering what to plan on. Realistically, I can't stay with her for weeks on end (although as a first-time grandma, I'll probably be very tempted, lol!) and I don't want DD to become too dependent on me either. I'm thinking it might be hard to strike the right balance that works best for everyone.

My DD must to go back to work after 4-6 weeks which of course I just hate for her sake. That is so soon after giving birth but she doesn't have paid maternity leave and they will not be able to afford for her to have more time off than that. Child care costs may eat up all of her wages but she needs the benefits/insurance. I may offer to stay with them for a few weeks after she goes back to work which will help them adjust and also to help with child care costs for a while. But again, I don't want to do "too much" if you know what I mean. DD is the type that would let me do it all if I volunteered, and I don't want that to become an issue.

Any input you have about your own experiences or what would have helped you would be appreciated!

Thanks!

 

Congrats first of all! You must be so excited to be having grandtwins! When my twins were born (we lived in Ohio) and G & G from Nebraska came for a week and then G from Wisconsin came for a week and then the other G from Wisconsin came to help for a week. If we weren't living so far away it would have been nice to have the time spread out a little better but I didn't have to go back to work. I'm guessing that your daughter might like a little time to try taking care of the twins by herself and then might really need the help when she heads back to work.. might make for an easier adjustment if she knows you are home with the twins for while before she has to take them to daycare. But most importantly I think it's key for you to be as flexible as possible because you just never know what's going to happen... c-section, delivery, how easy the babies are...
Good luck and congrats!
Beth

 

Congrats Grandma!!!! What a nice thing you are doing for your DD. My girls were born early at 34 weeks and spent 15 days in the NICU. When they got home, it was myself and DH most of the time. We realized we wouldn't get any sleep so we hired a night nurse for a few nights a week until about 4 weeks - way too expensive to do for long.

During the day, my mom and sometimes my SIL came over to help but not all day every day. We hired our nanny 3 months early to help during the day. There were some days that I was up 23 hours no matter what or who was there. Between pumping, feeding, pumping feeding, there's not much time in the beginning. If the babies are in the NICU, consider coming for the birth and then coming back when they come home.

I went back to work after 5 months so I certainly feel for your DD. 6 weeks is not a lot of time to recover and get used to being a mom of twins. You can help her a lot by getting her and the babies on a schedule. She will be exhausted no matter what. I hope her DH will be able to help. I couldn't have survived the early months without mine. We were both at our limit from lack of sleep.

After you leave - she will need to stay on a schedule. The babies will still be up for months eating several times per night. I hope she can get some help here and there on weekends to catch up on sleep.

Can you cook and freeze some meals while you're there? Cooking is really hard with mults and working.

What type of child care will they have? We hired a nanny which is very expensive but worked best for us. Taking 2 to a sitter or daycare is very hard.

I don't mean to sound negative - I think I'm still sleep deprived (OK I know I am). Your DD will step up and take care of her family - she will just be a very tired mommy. Giver her all the support you can.

 

I would have LOVED to have to have 24/7 help the first month or so. My dad and stepmom came when they were 9 days old and stayed for a week and it was fun, yet...they didn't really help with the night feedings which came at 11, 2, 5 and again at 8 am. I think twice or so they took the 11 pm one so DH and I could rest. After that I didn't get help again until they were 2 months old when my mom came.

I think back and don't know how I even functioned those first few weeks. I would have loved to have someone who would have helped me with the night feedings. DH did help a lot and if one woke up, I would wake the other so they were on the same schedule. I know it's a golden rule to never wake a sleeping baby, but whoever made that up didn't have multiples. SO DH would take one and I would take one and cut the time that one of us would be up in half.

I think it would be nice if you would go be with her the first couple of weeks if you can, just so she can get a schedule set.

 

I was very lucky/spoiled whenI had my girls. My mom flew from CT to CO and stayed with us for 2 months! My husband only took 1 week off, mainly because I wanted him to save vacation and since I wasn't going back to work we needed the $$. He was also taking classes M-T until 7:30 each night.

My mom stayed in our guest room and helped during the day and at night during the week. I really do not know what I would have done without her. I know that most people do not have help for that long. I was so sleep deprived and overwhelmed that I can't even remember the 1st month. Another nice thing about having help was that she encouraged me to get out of the house (both with and without the girls).

I would suggest that you stay for a bit, then give them some time alone and then schedule another visit. This was she gets your help but also has some time to try to figure things out on her own, but she will know that you are coming again to help her.

My husband is going to Vegas in March and my mom is going to come out to help me. It is nice to know that she is always there if I need her.

 

Congratulations Grandma!!!
I was extremely lucky that I had my mom AND mil stay with us for the first six weeks. Well, mil for four and mom for six. I thought that I didn't need the help and could do it all on my own, but I am so happy that they stayed. They had the babies at night, which gave me time to rest and recover from the csection. During the day they did all my chores, kept me company and helped me get used to being a mom. I think you should just have open communication with your dd. Tell her that when she feels that you have helped her enough to let you know and you will leave. I know that my mom approaching me that way helped. If I didn't say anything I think she would have stayed a year! LOL. Like others said, freezing meals is a huge help. Good luck and ENJOY!!!

 

I say help her as much as possible!!!!!!!!!!!
We were soooo overwhelmed when we came home from the hospital...my parents live 10 minutes away (thank you Lord) and we needed help so badly.
For the first 4 months they helped us at night...that helped me get some rest (recovering from c-section) and my dh got rest so he could work.
Now the girls sleep through the night, but I work part time so they keep the girls M-F 11-3pm. I don't know what I would have done w/o them.
I don't think I became too dependant on them....I can do everything....it just helps to have that support in the beginning.
Congrats!!

 

Congrats!! My mom lives about 450 miles away and she stayed with us for 2 weeks 24/7 and it was a huge help for us. Now she comes to visit about once a month to let us go out on a date and to see the munchkins. I loved having her here those first few weeks it was so helpful. If you can I would definately try to stay for the first few weeks.

 

Honestly, my DH was home for 2.5 weeks but then it was me. I didn't have someone here helping me out. I did have family that would stop by every once in awhile, but more to visit than help. I was scared to death when DH went back to work and honestly weeks 5-10 were the hardest for me with colic and reflux. I think it can be very easy to become dependent on the help and be scared for that help to not be there. I might suggest letting her have a day here and there or 1/2 a day where she can see for herself that she can indeed do it. Congrats on your soon to be grandchildren. It's wonderful that you're able to help her out.

 

It is so nice to have help. I had my in laws with us 2 months before I had the babies. Then they stayed 1 month after the babies came home. I have 3 other children before I had the twins thats why i needed the help before the babies came home.
I have to say that for some reason we got along perfect untill the babies came home. I never thought i could live with them for so long but it was great. But as soon as the babies came home it was all about the babies. She was supposed to be there to help me with the the older childreb, house work,and shopping , but all she wanted to do was be with the babies 24/7. The first week home I ended up doing to much and had to go back to the hospital. I did have a c-section so the recovery was longer. But after 3 weeks of her being there after the babies were home I wanted her to leave. I guess I just wanted to get into my own routin without someone telling me what they would do. Just find out what she really wants help with and try to stick to that.

 

wow!!! she is lucky to have you!!! she will need as much help as possible!!! I had a c-section 3 weeks ago and still feel like I have been hit by a truck!! I did not have any help dh went back to work at
5 days! with 2newborns - help is the GREAT!!!!!

 

Kathy, Congrats! Well first off, I never had full time help (boy, that would have been great!), but I would highly suggest that if you can give it even just the first two weeks, that would be so great and helpful to your daughter! Although 3 months comes to mind as the best help you could offer, but again, that's a bit long to be away from home and eventually they will have to figure it all out, even if that means, part time job at night for her.

I think giving a few weeks in the beginning when it is really rough would be helpful and then, maybe coming and visiting sometimes on the weekends would be great too.

You sound like a great mom and a soon-to-be even greater grandmother!

 

My girls came home on O2 and apnea monitors and it was highly recommended we have 2 people here at all times for a while. My mom stayed with us the first week, and my aunt the second week and that was it! I had help here and there but pretty much on my own. It was scary but we managed. My aunt would come out once a week and my SIL would come over once a week. I appreciated all the help that my parents could give to us!!!!

 

My situation is a little bit different. I had the twins on Dec 12 and my husband's last offical day of work was on Dec 15 (he was laid-off). He received a one month's severance package. We knew two months ahead of time that he was lossing his job and we made the decision for him not to work - and somehow we are financally able for him not to work and at 6 weeks he is still at home - however he needs to get a job.

So basically I have help 24/7. The twin boy is breastfed so i take care of him. The twin girl is bottlefed because her tougne is tight she can't stick out her tounge very far. So my husband takes care of her. We also have a 20 month attention hunger toddler that we take care of together.

When the twins were born I wanted someone at the hospital with me all the time- I had a scheduled repeat c-section. My husband couldn't be there all the time because I didn't want my daughter to feel abandoned and I wanted my husband at night because it is hard to find someone else to stay up all night. So he spent the morning/afternoon sleeping while daughter was at daycare then spent evening with her and put her to bed at cousin's house so they could take her to daycare in the morning then he would come to the hospital at about 8pm to help me during the night. My mil helped during the day.

My husband and i know how difficult it is to have to take care of newborn twins and a 20 month old daughter so we don't leave each other with all three. If we spilt apart to do something we each take one of the twins and then one takes the older daughter. For us it is easier not to have both newborns. But now at six weeks old my husband left me at home with the twins and he took our oldest. I have to say it wasn't too bad taking care of both of them at the same time - a few weeks ago i wouldn't have thought that.

My advice be there in the beginning because it is hard right in the beginning. Then give her a break so she can develop her ways and then be there for when she goes back to work. i agree it would be a good transition to daycare plus where i leave they have to be at least 6 weeks old and there aren't many daycare facilities that take under 1 year old because of all the regulations. Ask her what she wants and while you are there assess the situation and see if she wants you to stay or go have an open communication so that she doesn't over use you or that you don't wear out your welcome.

Congradulations and Best of Luck
Nikki

 

you are sweet to take on some of the load for her. and i mean that,. it will be just "some" because there is PLENTY of work to go around. some cultures send the grandmother for a month just to dote on the mother so that she can rest and recuperate from giving birth. no matter what kind of birth she has,. a body recovering from carrying twins will take a LOT longer to heal and with little or no rest it will be even harder, so try to be patient with her even if she has had a tendency to be lazy in her life before this time it is justified. LOL the hard part is striking a balance between helping and developing a problem about doing it "your way vs my way" because since it is YOUR time you will be giving you might feel like she owes it to you to take your suggestions. that was a bit hard for us, but i was so grateful for the help that it didn't turn into any big deal. i plan to help my daughter when she gives birth as much as she will let me,,.. after all that's who will be looking after me when I am back in diapers myself, right? hahaLOL

 

My DH took 1 month off of work, we had a night nanny 5 days a week (5 Months) and my Mom came over 5 days a week from month 2-6 (she was a lifesaver, but I can see what you are talking about). I now have day help 3 days a week from 8:30-2pm.

It's a lot of hard work. I honestly don't know how other twin moms on this board have done it from the beginning without help, I admire them. I am not disappointed in having to hire help, though. I feel I was a much better Mom and enjoyed every moment because I was rested and un-flustered (is that a word?) LOL!

Your DD will be tired and I agree with PP, if they are in the NICU, you may want to go home and then come back when they are home. I feel so bad that she has to go back to work so quickly...6 weeks goes by in the blink of an eye...9 months goes by in the blink of an eye too!

 

So many great replies and helpful suggestions - THANK YOU! It is so nice to get the perspective of those who have "been there, done that"!

I do plan to be there for the first 10-14 days after the babies come home. I have even thought that it might be a good break for everyone if my DH (grandpa) and I get a hotel room when he comes to visit on the weekends, just to give the kids a break from me being there 24/7 and a chance to handle things on their own for a night. (And, selfishly, to let grandma sleep all night and recharge my batteries! ) I do want them to learn to handle it by themselves, which I'm sure they will do wonderfully. But knowing my DD, if her momma's there to help, she will step aside and let me do it. I just don't want her to get too dependent.

Anyway, we'll play it by ear and see what works best for all. I'm hopeful that DD's fiance's mom will also be willing to spend some time with them (she's not in the same town either) and that she and I can come up with an alternating schedule to help the kids after the first couple of weeks, for as long as the kids feel they need outside help.

Again - your input has been invaluable, thanks so much!

 

Honestly, I'd have done better w/o the help. Our 'help' though really wasn't all that helpful, and I was still left to tend to the babies every feeding/diaper change/need. I didn't get a 'break' from night feedings, or anything really. While the help that came was getting full 9-10 hours worth of sleep, and was only good for holding the babies. When it came time for feedings/changes, they got handed back to mom (dad went back to work after 1 week)

So the best advice I can give you is to ASK your daughter what she needs help with. If it's night feedings, do it. If it's dishes/laundry/cooking, do it. Don't argue, don't think she's trying to depend on you to much, just try to support her. She's trying to get used to 2 brand new babies (which sound like they are her first) and will probably NEED a lot of help in the beginning, so she can transition.... She will need a break at least once a day, so she can get a good 2-3 hours worth of sleep at one time. If she wants to take a bath, take the kids and let her take a bath. if she just wants to read a book - let her. She's not being lazy, she's not trying to depend to much on you - she's trying to keep her sanity in her sleep deprived state.

Good luck, I hope all works out for everyone! Twins are a great blessing!

 

My mother helped me for the first 2 months. She would come at 7am and I would go to sleep for 4 hours (which i needed desperately), there was EBM for her in the fridge. It was great and I really appreciated it After 2 months she started only doing baby care, which tends to happen with family so I told her I was able to do it on my own at that point

 

My inlaws came to "help" for 6 weeks after the babies were born, but because of cultural differences (they came from India), they weren't comfortable doing anything. So instead, they took up space in the guest room, & my family came from out of town, & bunked on the couch. My family took shifts & came for the first 7 weeks. The best thing they did was to help me at night with feedings. I also had full-time day help & for the first two months, we did have a night nanny 2 nights per week, so that my husband could sleep & I could get some extra rest. It was scary when all my family help & night help ended, but I was ready to see how I could do it on my own. I wasn't able to figure out my own routine until everyone left. I don't feel guilty having some much help because it truly allowed me to be a better mom to all of my girls. The nanny might have watched the babies while I was outside doing sidewalk chalk with my older daughter, etc... I continue to have help about 20 hours per week even now. Someone comes 2 evenings, so my husband can have a little down time 2 nights, & then I have day help 3 days per week. Good luck to your family.