How do you reward one but not the other?

Today, my DH told H&J that if they had a good day at preschool, he would stop at the cookie shop. He warned me of this when I left work early to pick them up. However, when I got there, I was told that Henry had a bad day and hurt one of his friends. So my problem is that I have one who should have a cookie and one who shouldn't. Can you all envision the nuclear reaction that would occur if I tried that? Thankfully, they didn't remember the cookie shop so I just brought them home.

So, how do you handle rewarding one but not the other?

 

Honestly I would not reward kids for behavior at school at this age. My opinion for this age is that what happens at school stays at school. Preschoolers only respond to discipine/praise at the moment of the occurance. If they bring up that they had to sit in time out or such and such happened then we talk about it.

The only time I would carry over something that happened at school to home would be if the behavior was being exhibited both at home and at school. I would then communicate with the school to ensure consistancy etc.

Even at our preschool behavior is divided into three parts of the day. AM/lunch/nap/PM. They start the day with three stars for each timeframe. So their day is not completely ruined if they lose a star. Besides they get plenty of "rewards" at school.

So for me it all stays at school.

In general I don't offer them rewards that one will get and the other won't. I just don't feel it is helpful. It causes more problems then not.

 

I have no good answer, this backfires on me EVERY TIME! :grr:

 

Yeah, I was not very thrilled that DH put me into this situation. However, I am finding times when I need to discipline one and allow the other to continue doing something fun and it seems like I am always punishing the behaved one for something the ill behaved one has done.

 

I would have followed through and got the one that behaved a cookie, and dealt with the meltdown. How is he going to learn if both always have the same consequence if one misbehaved. It isn't fair to the one who behaved to have to lose something because his brother didn't follow the rules. Is it tough to deal with the meltdown, yeah, but that is also part of growing up. They are two different children, and treating them fairly sometimes means that one gets a reward and the other doesn't.

 

Yes, this is what we would do too.

You might get meltdowns---but it also shows that you mean what you say (and follow through) and also that each child is treated as an individual.

I am very careful in what I say (punishment/reward) and make SURE that I follow through. That way the girls know that I mean what I say.

Although, I would treat school as an am/pm setup. All day is too long for little ones that live in the moment.


I often reward/discipline one DD and not the other. Their behavior is different and should be treated as such. My DDs have very different personalities and one DD tends to push the limits more than the other DD.


I also try to fit the reward/punishment to the offense and not make them food-based. (and be proactive to help prevent known negative behavior triggers such as one DD simply does not do well running errands after school so I make a huge effort not to do them at that time).

We are big on logical consequences in our house!

 

I think you handled it just fine. Kids this age don't have long memories. I would have done the same had my husband offered them the reward. Or I would have let him deal with it when he got home if they did remember.

If it isn't instant gratification (or consequence) they often forget with everything else they are doing during the course of the day. I would not have reminded them. And honestly if they had remembered I would have said I will call your dad and he can take care of it when he gets home.

For misbehavior I do not treat them the same. One misbehaves then that one gets the consequence. They have to learn.

I'd let it go as long as they don't remember.

 

In general this is how I work. If there is a reward to be had for a certain behaviour and one behaves then of course they deserve to get the reward. Yes it is harder when you know that it will cause upset for the other (and you'll have to deal with it) but I think that's just how it goes.

Having said that in the specific situation you posted about, given that; 1. You did not make the promise 2. They are a bit young for such a delayed reward to have real meaning and (most importantly) 3. That they had forgotten all about it, I would have done the same as you did and not reminded them. More for the fact that I don't like food based rewards and I don't like other people making up random consequences for me though.

 

Thankfully it wasn't too big of a deal since they are still young and did forget (whew). However, I agree with the other posters who said they would have done it anyway, as far as giving one the reward and not the other. I guess it depends on the situation. If I specifcally told my kids "If you behave well at school you will get ____ and if you don't you will not" I would try to follow through with that. But say one child at school got special praise from the teacher out of nowhere and the other didn't, I wouldn't reward that, because I would feel unfair. If that makes any sense. In the past I have been VERY BAD about this (trying to keep everything "equal") and felt terrible thinking that one might get something the other didn't. I have realized though that it isn't helping anything to do the "both or none" mentality. Like others mentioned, they are 2 different people. You won't be able to do the exact same things with them forever. Plus think of it this way...if one acts up and gets disciplined, you aren't going to discipline the other one just to be "fair" right? Kind of same principle applies to rewards, I think.

 

I think that at that age, memory is not good. The one who had bad behavior probably didn't even remember at the end of the day that he did something wrong so the reward for the 'good' one would have really hurt and no lesson would have been learned due to failed memory. If something is done at school, punishment at this age should stay at school. Why punish twice?

Good luck. Sorry your dh put you in that position.

 

I have had this problem with the boys some times. I did rewards in the beginning for good behavior at school only because for a while, they were not behaving and being disruptive. When I would hear good news, they got something small like stickers or even ice cream on hot days. However if one behaved well and not the other I would go home first and then take out the one who got the good report to get the ice cream or I'd just give him a sticker. I'd explain to his brother why he was not getting something if he asked (neither boy didn't always ask). At first, I'd get some tears, but then it seemed to dawn on them that if they did not behave, they don't get something despite what his brother did. I didn't think it fair to only give on boy ice cream while both boys were together, so that one I'd always separate them so one would stay home with daddy and one could spend time out with me. They did behave better overall, so it did work. I do hear about the occasional bad day, but they no longer get the after school treats mostly because they had been behaving so much better for so long. All kids will slip up every now and then.

 

I give "treats" out to my kids for behaving at school and daycare. I they are very in the moment but the daycare has told me a lot of times they just tell the boys if they don't stop they'll have to tell mommy and there'll be no gum...they said they stop right away! They also have a smiley-frown chart that they move clothespins up and down as they (mis)behave. So if they do something good like clean someone else's mess they get to move up if they're misbehaving then they get moved down towards the frown. I tell them they need to end up on the smiley to get a treat
That being said we've had multiple meltdowns as one will get the treat and the other doesn't.....I've been doing this a couple months and ill tell you, the meltdowns are becoming shorter

 

I'm of the thought process-what happens at school, stays at school. I'm guessing the teachers dealt with the behavior accordingly at the time that it happened. And all day, at this age, like others said, can be a lot for them. For my kids, if I have three errands to do, I will tell them they need to "be on their best behavior" and then we can do x, y or z. I do things in smaller amounts of time. Otherwise, there'd be no treats given!

 

I agree with this. I have no problem rewarding the one who earned it even if his brother didn't. They get used to it over time. They might still fuss sometimes but I think in a way it provides for better learning and more motivation for next time.