How do you respond when your toddler screams, mostly at you?

If someone asked me this question, I would say to ignore the screaming and keep repeating to use words, etc. HOWEVER, I already do that and it doesn't work. Ian is my strong-willed child, 20 mos, and he's been having tantrums and become very clingy lately. He knows how to sign a hand full of basic signs but he won't use them. He yells when he wants more or anything, me, food, play, etc.
I am just at my wits end with him. I dont' want to yell or spank him. I just want him to get it! If he uses words, mommy responds and we can all be nice. lol.
Suggestions welcome! TIA

faith

 

When my daughter screamed at me for the 3rd time in 20 minutes today and had already been at time out to think about how we talk to mommy, she spent some time in her room. This helped her gather her thought and gave me a little time to calm down. Sometimes when you are really angry the best thing to do is give each other space. By the time I snuck upstairs to let her out she was playing with her toys and a lot calmer.

 

Does he understand what you are saying? As in, can he follow basic directions (pick up the toy, bring it to mommy, etc). I'm just wondering if something else might be going on and he is frustrated. Maybe have a speech eval, just in case? Does he say any words?

 

Yes, I think he understands but often will just look at me. Actually we had a speech eval last Friday. Both boys actually start therapy this Friday, so I'll be sure to make mention of it then too. They weren't concerned about any other issues, so we'll see what they think once they work with Ian on his own.
He has some words,"did ya' see it," sit down, hi, hello, and a few others. He doesn't do imitation well. I tried really hard today to focus on that and he wouldn't say a thing! I would say mama, can you say mama, or animal sounds, etc. nothing! It's so frustrating but then he'll rattle off some jibbersh to me. He does that with Grayson (his twin) and they go back and forth. crazy!

Thanks!

faith

 

Thing is he is probably so frustrated at the situation he can't find the words, even if he does know a few now. Try using toddler-ese from the book "Happiest toddler on the block" it so worked/works for us. Toddler-ese helps you to break the barriers of speech, also helps you be able to sympathies with their frustration, then hopefully you can teach them how to work through rough situations without yelling.

Hope this helps

 

I remember going through this and in fact am still going through it to some extent but it is getting better now that they are finally catching on. Every single time someone whines or pitches a fit about what they want, (as much as this kills me sometimes to remain calm) I calmly approach them kneal down and calmly say "look at mommy" (I ALWAYS do this, if I get their eye contact, I know they are listening) Once they look at mommy I, as calmly as humanly possible say "what do you want?" usually I'll get a whiny grunt. I say "I don't understand ____(mimic their sound)" "Show mommy what you want"
So, 9 times out of 10 they'll eventually get to it and then I excitedly acknowledge "oh, you want ___?!" And they'll say "uh-huh" and then we get it. Of course this little routine is teaching them to tell me or show me what they want. I rarely (even if I know what they are wanting) will get anything for them if a fit or tantrum precedes. I don't want to reward that kind of behavior. It has taken a lot of training but also, yours are at that age now where they are beginning to have wants and desires but don't know how to express themselves appropriately. They're just doing what they instinctively know to do as far as expressing themselves. It's up to us to mold that behavior. That's not to say they'll never whine or pitch another tantrum, but it's up to us to teach them how to express themselves in a manner that better helps us to understand what they want and when mommy and daddy understand what they want, we can better deliver. They "get" a LOT more than we tend to give them credit for, I'm learning this very well, but they are also at an age where they have discovered "free will" and are ready to use it. Good luck to all of us.

 

this was a constant issue until mine really started to grasp basic language skills. What they understood at the time was that screaming got my attention, and that's what they were after. The second they learned they could SPEAK to get a response, it was like a light bulb went off and the screaming virtually stopped...aside from the random cranky toddler meltdown, anyhow

 

QUOTE(Faith00 @ Jun 27 2007, 02:39 AM) [snapback]308456[/snapback]
He has some words,"did ya' see it," sit down, hi, hello, and a few others. He doesn't do imitation well. I tried really hard today to focus on that and he wouldn't say a thing! I would say mama, can you say mama, or animal sounds, etc. nothing! It's so frustrating but then he'll rattle off some jibbersh to me.

My girls are almost 20 months and even though Amy is quite the talker, she still doesn't say anything on command. She mimics me like crazy, but only if she chooses to. So my suggestion would be to not worry too much about getting him to say things on command! Sarah has barely any words, and the ones she does have, she rarely uses. It's frustrating (and I'm going to get her evaluated if nothing changes in the next month or so). But....

QUOTE(cabonnell @ Jun 27 2007, 02:06 PM) [snapback]308864[/snapback]
Every single time someone whines or pitches a fit about what they want, (as much as this kills me sometimes to remain calm) I calmly approach them kneal down and calmly say "look at mommy" (I ALWAYS do this, if I get their eye contact, I know they are listening) Once they look at mommy I, as calmly as humanly possible say "what do you want?" usually I'll get a whiny grunt. I say "I don't understand ____(mimic their sound)" "Show mommy what you want"
So, 9 times out of 10 they'll eventually get to it and then I excitedly acknowledge "oh, you want ___?!" And they'll say "uh-huh" and then we get it.

I do try to do this. If it's just a little whine, I try to figure out what she wants and respond. But if it's escalating, I get my face right in front of hers and say "Sarah." And just keep saying "Sarah." until she stops whining for a second and looks and me. Then I say "Show me what you want" and I try to hold out all the possible options (this happens mostly at mealtime -- it's harder if you don't even know the context of what they want!). We are gradually getting to the point where she will at least point to what she wants, or shake her head (vigorously :icon_biggrin: ) if I guess wrong.

I do wish she would learn some words, though. It's certainly made life easier with Amy.

 

My oldest son was this way as a child and didnt speak until 3 1/2-4 years old. He has a lot of learning disorders and attention deficit problems. He was evaluated at like 33 months and was in a special Pre-K by 3 1/2.

I am not trying to scare you!

I think he is frustrated at not being able to communicate what he wants, so he screams. I have no advice (I'm sorry) but I just wanted to let you know that others experience this too.

 

every time you want to get his attention.. say son.. look at my nose.. that takes about 3 times to get him loooking in your direction..
then ask him is it necessary to shout..

or say what can i do for you to make it better..

my kids will tell me.. who stole their cup. what hurts,, and kiss it..

getting his attention in a soft voice really helps.

 

I do similar to what "cabonnell" wrote in her response.

I get down to their level and make sure he's looking in my eyes. It makes a world of difference. I also mention that he can't listen and scream at the same time, so if he wants to hear mommy, he needs to stop the noise.

I've got a talker, who will make this noise like a car engine unable to start in the dead of winter. He can do it for up to an hour. The most annoying noise ever! The eye contact is about the only thing that gets him to stop that horrid noise and talk to me. He's also the one that will scream at the highest pitch possible that his brother is doing something (like leaving the door open so all the bugs will get in - ya know? that horrible panicked voice?)

The other is very delayed, and he doesn't do any screaming - one is enough Thank God! LOL - but every thing is "da da" with a few words attempted. HE only screams when he's mad. Then he'll hit and bite as well.

Definately mention to the speech person about the screaming, maybe they can change that behavior.

Good luck!

 

I don't know if those who have posted will read this, but thank you for your words of wisdom. Really. I will try these things and hopefully make some progress. I'm still trying to get my hands on the books previously mentoined.
Usually when I try to get Ian's attention and make the eye contact, he just screams and shakes his head no.
Today was another mentally draining day for me...and probably Ian as well. I am thinking there may be some jealousy issues going on (towards his brother), but that's another post....today after naptime, I went in to get the boys and Ian started in. It was 45 minutes later that I could walk out of his room with him without him screaming! Good grief! He wants me in the room but not to pick him up. It may have been sparked by me picking up Grayson first!
I am thankful every day for my kids and how different they are from each other!

thanks again.
Faith

 

QUOTE(coconutdancing @ Jun 26 2007, 11:44 PM) [snapback]308645[/snapback]
Thing is he is probably so frustrated at the situation he can't find the words, even if he does know a few now. Try using toddler-ese from the book "Happiest toddler on the block" it so worked/works for us. Toddler-ese helps you to break the barriers of speech, also helps you be able to sympathies with their frustration, then hopefully you can teach them how to work through rough situations without yelling.

Hope this helps


I thought his book (well, we watched the DVD) was a bunch of hooey, until I actually tried it with Ben. It worked wonders!!! So I recommend trying that.

His strategies don't work as well for Hannah. Although she is older than your kids, I can say to her, "Ask me like a big girl," and she immediately stops whining/screaming and asks for what she wants. The best part, she even says, "please" at the end of her request! Go figure.