How do you not lose yourself in mommyhood?

I feel like I have already lost a part of myself by being pregnant with twins and on bedrest. When DH gets home, all I have to talk about it what I saw on t.v. or the internet.
As I get closer and closer to having these babies, I worry more about how I will be able to manage being a SAHM and still being ME. All of my friends work and have lives, but I will be at home with the babies all day. I don't want to be that friend that ONLY talks about her babies all the time with my friends that don't have kids.
We do have some friends in the area if DH and I need a night out together (although I can't imagine leaving them with someone for a long time after they are born). Our family livs in another state.
I am just looking for some tips and ideas on ways you kept being yourself despite the crazy world of having twins. I want to be a wonderful mommy, but I don't want them to take over my life permanently.

 

I think you will lose yourself those first couple of months. You will totally be focused on the babies and their needs. If someone offers to help then allow them to. Take time to take a long shower, read a magazine, get on the iternet, just whatever YOU want to do. I am a SAHM and will be returning to teaching next year. I am looking forward to working again for the social aspect; however, I know I will miss my little ones dearly. Think about what you do with your friends and talk to them about now and then work hard on keeping those interests up. It will be hard, especially at first; however, you must take time for yourself! I kind of feel like I just rambled . . . sorry!

 

I know exactly what you mean. My husband and I had an argument about how he has no idea how I wish sometimes that he was a SAH dad and I could go out to work. But that's only on the bad, twins incessantly crying and I'm seriously sleeped deprived type of day. Otherwise, I'm only too happy to be here with them. And lucky too, as there are many moms out there who wish they could stay home with their babies, but can't.

My thinking is this: right now, this is my full time job. The first few weeks they were home, all I did was talk about them and their delivery. And ya' know what, my friends and/or family better listen because I have to listen to their stories about all that goes on out in the world. Right now, these two are my world.

So they do take over your life in the beginning. But so far, every twin mom I've met who have older children (about 12 mos or older) has only told me how it gets better and to enjoy these days. After a while, all the time we spend with them gets less and less.

It can get sort of boring...well, not boring. Monotonous. Sometimes. So I try and make each day a new experience with them. Play with new things and amaze at how well they are coming along and how fast they're growing. For instance today, I was eating blueberries with whip cream on them and my Cate was staring at me while her sister slept. So I took a bit of cream on the tip of my finger and put it to her lips. She licked it off (in that tongue thrust sort of way) and, I sware to God, she went "MMMMMmmmmm...." I could never have laughed so hard that day over some story about someone's "exciting" day!

Nor could I feel such love.

So yeah, it gets redundant and tiring. And I think some people may be avoiding me lately because all I talk about is Maria's colic and Catie's great pooping skills. I don't mind. I don't really have time to talk on the phone to them anyway! If I've got a moment, I'd rather spend it getting ready for the next feeding or getting their laundry sorted or seeing the re-runs of Project Runway!

And this time with them goes too fast. I can't believe they're almost 3 months old! The best of luck....

 

I try to watch something educational everyday. (I also visit the Corn for thought provoking ideas.) That way when DH comes home I can say, "Hey, I was visiting this website/watching a show about "xyz"." Then I can talk about what I learned with a grown-up adult person. It's nice too when I get out of the house, because I have something to talk about besides babies with my friends.

 

I go out on my Harley Davidson...something I acquired after my first three kids (before the twins). I feel a lot of freedom on it and meet a lot of people....some who ride and have twins, too.

 

Watch the news! Engage your brain. Have a hobby even if you can only do it once a month. Do something for yourself.

I watch Court TV daily, the news every morning and I scrapbook (once a month if I get the chance.) I make sure I engage in one conversation that does not involve Baby Story, poo, gas, babies or dogs

 

I try and get out of the house without babies once a week, it dosent always happen but i makes a huge difference to get out with people my own age

 

Its easy to let yourself become consumed with mommyhood, especially if you are a SAHM. I left my career as well, a decision I was happy to make. A girlfriend asked me if I am starting to get bored at home and the truth is, there is no time to be bored with 2 babies! When I have time, I do try to keep up with reading my professional journals to stimulate my mind, read the newspaper daily and go for a run or a walk daily. All that being said, I've had a number of days where I have the TV on and am watching the Food Network or Sex and the City all day and I can literally feel my brain turning to mush...

 

I don't think that you lose yourself necessarily. You just slowly evolve into someone else. Becoming a mom will most definitely change you, if not define you. But it can also consume you entirely if you are not careful.

I try to remain as active as possible. I get out of the house regulary (I work part time, but even when I am home with the kids, we are on the move). From the time they were young, we started taking classes, and meeting friends at the park, going to twins club activities, etc. Your free time is no longer yours, but shared with your kids. So it is important to find activities and people that you can share your time with. The key is finding activities that you enjoy, but that can keep your kids entertained at the same time!!!

It is hard when my single friends (or friends without kids) call and each week ask me what is new. I can tell them about the new words the kids have learned, or the new activity we did in or Mommy and Me class, but frankly they do not care. And it does get old having the same conversation: "What's new?" "Ohhhh, nothing."

 

Like everyone has said so far, you will get lost in your babies, especially at first.The first 3 months are mere survival. Enlist your friends to help you as much as they can. Get them to come over now while you're in bed all the time and have a manicure party or a pizza and a mvie in your bed day. Those things are fun and will make you feel like you're part of the group again. I love the ideas the others have had and I'd like to add a few.

First,try to meet some friends that have kids! (don't abandon the friends you have) Easier said then done right? Well, hopefully you have a local Mothers of Twins and triplets club, if so, join it. All these moms have been where you are, many have been on bed rest,too so they can commisserate with how you are feeling. Our local club is wonderful. They even got a group of people together to deliver meals to us in the first few weeks after they babies arrived. You really can't beat a hot meal that you didn't make! You won't have the energy to cook anymore anyway in the beginning. Your non-mom friends can help with this too by bringing over take out and hanging out one day after work.

Having at least one friend that has a new baby or young children will help you get all the kid talk out and give you a person besides your husband to talk about baby things with. I met one of my friends in the hospital, where we delivered within a day of one another. She was such a wonderful support to me in the early days and vise-versa. Her son had colic and instead of suffering alone in her home, I had her get out of the house and walk with the babies. Her son cried less while we walked and we got out of the house, which is hard in the early days! Oh and you and she can take turns letting the other get a shower and stuff! After my first son, I got on Meet-up.com and created a group for stay at home moms for my area. That is how I met a lot of friends for me and for my son.I created the group and within a month there were 160 moms! Of course we all broke in to smaller groups, but it worked wonders for my family social life!

I had no friends with kids when we were pregnant with our first and it was difficult to relate to them just after the baby came- and that was just one baby!! Remember, they are still your friends and if they are god ones, they will understand and tolerate you talking about poop and the 45 minutes of sleep you had in the last 24 hours. They should keep in mind that some day they may have babies too! Once you are through the early days/months of twin infants, you will feel more like getting out and then you can take a class or go to a place with the babies like My Gym or Gymboree- you'll meet,moms there too. Personally, I hated gymboree because my son hated it, but you may love it!

You life will change, and your main focus will be on your family. You will wake up one day and notice the changes, but you won't mind it a bit. You can still keep your childless, working friends and you will enjoy going out with them from time to time again. Remember though that talking about your kids isn't something you should be ashmed of! And when you do get that mom's night out with your non-mom friends, they will have lots to talk about and you can get ideas for things to talk about by following their lead. You may never feel the same about your life and your friends, but it changes for the better, not the worse in my opinion!

Good luck with everything. You are in the home stretch now!

Kelly

 

I agree with you it is hard and does feel monotonous at times. And I also say the same to my DH that I wish he could stay home and I could go back to work just to get out and about sometimes. I do go out at least once a week without them which does help it gives you a bit of freedom without all the stress of are they eating enough, sleeping enough, playing enough etc. So try to have sometime that is just you time where you can be you.

 

I agree with everyone. I am a SAHM and I did and still am lost in my girls everytime I go to the store I go to the baby part first just in case they came out with something else that they don't have. What can I say they are just so cute that i can't help my self. But I do get to get out atleast once a week just me we go play bingo every friday night.

 

That explains me... I never get time to myself, and I can only strike up a conversation about my kids...

I guess that is why I am on TS so much... to talk about them constantly, LOL

I hope you can get some ideas and advice on how not to lose yourself, it is no fun.

 

Wait- you mean there's something to talk about other than babies, diapers and eating? I'm missing out!

There is the- I attempted to shave today when...
And I almost got lunch but...
The postman came midfeed while the insurance agent was calling, and I found a dirty diaper in my hand and a baby in the trash... (just kidding, it hasn't gotten that bad yet)

 

You really loose yourself at first but once I got used to my kiddos and their schedules I started meeting a girlfriend of mine out at least every two weeks for shopping or drinks. Also I try to get up in the morning and take a shower and make myself look decent everyday so I feel better about myself. When the weathers nice I go running and listen to the ipod.....That always helps relieve stress and makes me feel better about me. Another suggestion......I still talk to my girlfriends everyday about stuff other than the twins.....hearing their boyfriend and going out stories still makes me laugh and feel a part of things. If I'm too overwhelmed I just tell my hubby I need some me time.....even if its just a nap or exersize. Being a SAHM is an adjustment.....but once you get the groove of it....it will get better.

 

Well I did get some good news yesterday. One of my closest friends (that has a 10yr old and 5 yr old) is not going to be working next year while her husband is in Iraq so we have agreed to get out together at least once a week to have lunch or go shopping. That will really help out because my DH will be going to Officer Training School (for the Air Force) in August and will be gone for 3 months.
I had hoped to work part-time at some point at a Huntington Learning Center that I have worked at off and on for the past few years but with DH leaving that won't happen.
Thanks for all the advice and support.