how do you know you are done?

Hi,
Just wondering for all you mommies who are done having babies, how did you know you were done? Did you feel done? I have a 6 year old and my twins are 2, I had 2 really rough pregnancies, both complicated by gestational hypertension as well as chronic hypertension, my twins were born at 35 weeks due to this, my ob, midwife and the L&D nurses all told me I shouldn't get pregnant again, but I can't help this urge to have one more baby...it is driving me nuts. My dh is talking about a vasectomy but hasn't done anything about it and we aren't really preventing a pregnancy (both preg were with clomid though)....I feel so confused....

 

Good question. We actually started trying because I didn't want to regret later that we didn't. I decided to give it a year. After 6 months I stopped feeling disappointed that I wasn't pregnant and began to feel a small amount of relief. When I realized I was more relieved than disappointed I knew for sure we were done.

 

On bad days (and this week has been a whole lot of bad days) I think it wouldn't be bad to be "done". But still, deep in my gut I don't feel done. We need fertility help, so just putting it off until later could mean no baby at all. Like you, I don't want to look back and say "what if?". I have yet to hear anyone say "I wish I had fewer kids". It's always "I wish I had more".

Besides, I am so busy being a mom now, what's one more? I love being pregnant, but it is so darn hard for us to get pregnant, so I really have to want it to get it. I went for a test today that was quite uncomfortable, so I guess I must really want it.

 

I knew I was done shortly after my DD was born. I would say when she was only a month or two. We put off DH vasectomy just to make sure we were sure and then when she was 6 mo he did it. I don't regret it and know in my heart that I am done. I feel like I can barely pay enough attention to the three that I have and when they get a bit older I am looking forward to getting my life back and the fun things that we used to do. Now all this isn't to say that I don't love the kids we have, but for me I just knew that we were done.

 

Well we had never really talked about 3 kids so when the twins came that kind of changed things. DH still was open to possibly a 4th, but with the twins coming so early and no one knowing what went wrong or why, I just can't risk another early delivery. Plus that fact that if I was on bedrest it would be hard with 2 young children. I thought I wanted another while I was pregnant with them, but honestly I didn't enjoy the infant stage with them because there were two of them as I did with my singleton. And our family just feels complete. When I think of the names in our family it sounds right. Not to mention thinking about college, weddings, etc. So the money does play a small part of it too. Even though we are done and I am totally fine with that, it is still sad to think that that part of my life, having babies, is over. But I just think about how much fun it will be in a few years when there are no more diapers and we are able to get up and go again.

We still at this point aren't doing anything permanent, but we will eventually. But right now we both feel we are done. It took me awhile to get there though.

 

I guess it was different for us. We knew we were done just after they were born. DH and I only planned on having one or two kids, so when we found out we were having twins, we knew we were done. Now that they are getting older and I see young babies I do miss that baby stage a little, but I am really enjoying where we are now too. Personally, I know I couldn't handle much more than my twins. I feel that God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave us twins. And, we couldn't picture our lives any other way.

 

Even though I wasn't supposed to have sex for six weeks after the birth of my children I flat out refused to leave the hospital without BCPs. My children are Andrew & Zoe...A to Z! I am done! There will be no middle of the alphabet! I told HH if he wanted L, M, N, O, or P to get a girlfriend! Years of fertility, three months of bedrest and two beautiful, healthy children, I just don't see how I could ask for more!

 

QUOTE(blessedby2 @ Jun 9 2007, 02:38 AM) [snapback]285447[/snapback]
We knew we were done just after they were born. DH and I only planned on having one or two kids, so when we found out we were having twins, we knew we were done.

Pretty much this. We had planned on two kids -- and it took IVF for us to get them -- so although we did not actually want to have twins, we figured at least we didn't have to go through all that again! I also hated being pregnant and did not particularly enjoy the newborn stage. And we can't afford more than 2 kids anyway. So for us, there is really no question. The only thing that gives me pause at all is that I think it would be kind of nice to have a little boy -- but that isn't a good enough reason to have another child, IMO.

 

I don't know how I'll feel when I'm done but I know right now that our family isn't complete. We definitely want one more (and if by some chance we have twins again, so be it), but DH and I have pretty much decided that we'll be done after the next pregnancy. He alway wanted two children b/c he didn't want a middle child and I always wanted three children. I guess God made the decision for us. As soon as we found out we were having twins, I looked at DH and said, "There won't be a middle child this way."

 

I knew I was done the moment I saw two babies in my first ultrasound at 17 weeks!

I think DH would be OK with it if I said I wanted another (he's commented a few times about how cute they are at this age and he understands how people decide they want more . . . is this a hint do you think?) But I absolutely, under no circumstances, EVER want any more babies.

So, I guess I just know, which is probably no help to those of you trying to decide.

-Rachel

 

I think the question is whether or not you feel like your family as a whole is complete...can you picture another one??

As far as your health issues... can you maybe continue the way you have...just see if something happens on it's own without proactively trying to make it happen...that way psychologically you don't have to deal with being "officially" done even if it's unlikely that you will get pg on your own... maybe in the meantime you could work on doing what you need to do to control your chronic hypertension...explore whatever natural methods there might be in terms of helping your own health...

Perhaps if the urge is still there and your really are afraid for your health you might consider adoption? It's not for everyone...but I know many people who have and really felt that it made their family complete. It's an idea anyway...

I kind of think you have to look at things long term... as difficult as the pg and infant stage are, I'm sure you realize, looking at your six yr old how short that phase really is... how will you feel about it when your kids are in their 20s? will you regret not having a 4th??

My mom had four kids and always, to this day, regrets not having a fifth...my dad wanted to be done, and is still happy with that... but my mom always says, "well by now Matthew would've been 26..." or whatever... (her name for a second son was going to be Matthew...and he never happened...)

so you have to kind of think of it long term and see how you feel about it then....

 

It's really only something you can ever know for yourself! I just "know" that I am done. I am enjoying them SO much and can't imagine going "backwards" in my view. I am not up for the overnights and getting through the early stages. I am content with the family that I have now. That's how I know. I know that doesn't help you much, but I don't think anything anyone can tell you will help because it's coming from within you. :hug99:

 

I knew we were done because we also only wanted a couple of kids. I do not think my body can go through the rounds of injections, retreivals, etc again. I also do not think my body can handle another delivery like I went through. I was in the hospital for a week after they were born. I did not really interact with them much because my platlettes crashed so bad that I had an emergency c section after inducement and then hemorraged on top of it. I was on mag sulfate for 5 days and missed out on the beginning stuff because I was so weak, drugged and in pain.

DH at times says he would like to try for a girl but, if we want to try it will be through adoption not by fertlility to pregnancy.

 

I don't know that I am I just go along with DH who says we are because financially we can't but who knows I just turned 30 so I have time and we could hit the lottery..right??

 

Well, our twin girls are 1 and as much as I think they are great I cant imagine going through another pregnancy, birth etc, (I had a difficult one like alot of people here) maybe I am tired from it all and I might change my mind but right now I think the twins are enough. Anyway, alot of my friends with children say wait until they are about 3-4, that is when I am likely to get clucky again and long for that newborn baby, so I am open to that maybe happening to me......... but I doubt it

 

I know I am done for several reasons:

1) We always wanted two kids.
2) We can only afford two kids (more kids to us means a bigger house, a bigger car, more sports/extracurricular activities, more college, more years out of work for mom)
3) We do not want another set of twins (not that I would mind another set, it would just mean FOUR kids and not three, making #2 on the list a little more frightening).
4) I had a rough pregnancy (strict bedrest, hospital bedrest) and would never again knowingly put my body at risk and my kids/family on hold.
5) I did not enjoy the infancy stage.

And drumroll...........DH had a vasectomy and so I KNOW that we are done!!!

I do feel for you. It must be hard to feel so torn about something so fundamentally important. There are times where I do ache a bit to know that this is it (like yesterday when I gave my cousin ALL our baby gear). But it is short lived and someone needs a diaper change so I snap out of it quickly!