How do you handle this?

My boys are very close, but they do bicker, tattle, and whine like normal brothers.

However, I do have a concern about their "brotherly love". While both are strong-willed and challenge authority on a regular basis, Jackson is by far the leader and Jaydon is the follower.

Here are two examples from this week:

1. On Wednesday a little boy named Caleb celebrated his 6th birthday with cupcakes, chips, and a goody bag. My boys are in separate classes, so Jackson did not receive a goody bag. When we got home I noticed Jackson walking around with Jaydon's goody bag so I asked him about it. He said that he asked Jaydon for it because it wasn't fair for Jaydon to have a goody bag and not him. So when I asked Jaydon why he gave it to Jackson he said, "because he wanted it".

2. Jackson had time out today because he tore up Jaydon's artwork that he completed in school today. Well, Jackson was crying in time out (not because he was sorry, but because he was in trouble), and Jaydon looked right at me and told me he was sad that I made Jackson cry and could he take Jackson's place in time out so Jackson could get back to playing.

It's not as if Jackson is bullying Jaydon in any way. Jaydon is just very submissive when it comes to Jackson. He would rather sacrifice for his brother's sake.

So, my question is:

1. Should I try and get Jaydon to stand up for himself, although he seems perfectly content being the one to give in ALL the time?

or

2. Should I just accept the fact that Jaydon's personality is very much like mine while Jackson's personality is very much like Chris' and leave him be?

I separated the boys when they were 3-years old (1st year of preschool) so Jaydon could gain independence from Jackson, and he is very independent when Jackson is not around, but when they are together - he allows Jackson to interrupt him, speak for him, dictate what they are going to play/watch on TV, etc. He does not seem to mind at all, so perhaps this is just "my" issue and not Jaydon's.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

 

I would probably start by making Jackson stop speaking for Jaydon, and stopping him, and then giving Jaydon 100% of your attention until he is finished. Maybe you can also do a "Jaydon day" and "Jackson day" where on "their" day, they can pick the TV show, etc. By "forcing Jaydon to make choices and speak for himself, while still allowing Jackson to do the same may be a way to cure it. I would be bothered by Jaydon being so submissive to his brother, because he does need to learn to work things out for himself.

 

I like the idea of each having their day. I figure it's something I will be doing with my girls in the future.

 

Heather, I agree with Sharon and Jen. I'd encourage Jaydon to make his own choices about things. Even if it doesn't seem to matter to him, it does matter. I have a child who has a terrible time asserting herself and who insists that she is just as happy letting everyone else have their way...only she isn't, and as she's gotten older, I've been able to see how this has been bad for her. It is empathy which makes a child so compliant and that is a good thing...but a too much of a good thing! Eventually, it comes home to roost as your child begins to reap the results of never making a proactive choice but always being"led". Nobody is really that submissive...we all have wants and needs. A major want/need for very empathetic kids is peace and harmony, which is why they develop this particular pleasing/getting along skill. But at some point, it comes back to bite them, so to speak.

I am having to force my poor daughter into choosing things actively instead of falling into decisions based upon what she thinks will upset others the least....it is so hard for her, she hardly knows what she actually wants. But she is getting there. Every child has a healthy self esteem, but young ones who are really really sensitive and empathetic have harder time balancing their need for harmony with their need to choose the TV show or whatever...usually the need for peace wins and they never are the "pickers" for shows, games etc. In a very real way, this is a choice that they prefer (ie the need for peace is more important to them).

I love Sharon's idea. If I'd had this insight ten years ago, I would definitely have been doing something like that!

Stop Jackson if he's speaking for Jaydon...you can be gentle about it and just say "It's Jaydon's turn to talk"...and then you may have to coax Jaydon a little to get him to think about and then express what he may want. As I said, he has probably always put his want/need for peace and harmony before anything else and has to LEARN to go to the next stage and realise he actually has a choice about TV shows, games, books, keeping a treat bag, etc....

Good luck. I don't think I'd push it too hard...I think your analysis re inherited personality traits is probably also completely valid. Jaydon's comfort level is likely not going to ever turn him into a "my way or the highway" kind of boy...but a little encouragment to at least be able to identify and ask for his own preferences regardless of what will keep the peace or make others happy, is a goal worth pursuing!

 

Heather,
That is one of the reasons that I wanted the boys in the same class for Kindergarten. 1- they get disgruntled about little things like who gets what and are complete butts if they don't get the same things at the same time. 2- they will have the same homework and I won't/don't have time to do/help with 2 separate homeworks. I know that sounds bad, but I and they are not ready to deal with one having something and the other not getting the same thing. I saw that in preschool last year when they were separated... Frankly, I just don't want to deal with the trauma's of who gets what and they can't (mainly Caleb) deal with the emotions of not getting the same thing... I would greatly deal with this better if DH were home during the week to help me handle this, but his job is to travel around the country/Canada. Which is not fun for anyone, the boys get grumpy, I get grumpy, it is just not the ideal situation for us to have separate classrooms right now, until the boys learn to deal and handle their emotions better.

 

Just to clarify, I'm also completely against the TV thing, but if you meet resistance, the legal angle can be helpful.

 

QUOTE(sharongl @ Sep 7 2007, 10:04 PM) [snapback]397910[/snapback]
Maybe you can also do a "Jaydon day" and "Jackson day" where on "their" day, they can pick the TV show, etc.

This is what we did at that age. Brian got even numbered days, Craig odd numbered days. (Of course, there are a few times when the 31st and the 1st occur back to back and those days were Mom's choice.) It really helped a lot!

 

Ladies, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I can't believe I've been a mother for almost 6 years and have never thought of the "Jaydon" days and "Jackson" days!!! When Jackson does interrupt Jaydon I am pretty quick to stop it, and I am hoping, in time, Jackson will realize what he's doing wrong and Jaydon will realize that his opinion does matter. Ugh....and I thought having boys meant no drama. I was wrong. :lol:

 

Thanks for posting this Heather My boys tend to flip back and forth as far as who is "dominant" and "submissive", but I'm VERY excited for Sam Days and Kiko Days -- it will definitely cut down on the time I spend refereeing.

 

This is a really good post. Mine are still young yet, but I can already seeing my Jayden being the dominant one and Jesse being the follower. Right now its no biggie, but as they get older it seems to bother Jesse more. I'm going tohave to try the "days" thing and see how it works !

 

Giving them their own days really helps to cut down on some of that and somehow they seem to take it better when it's decided by the calendar, and not Mom!!

 

Kim, I am very good at blaming "something" to take the pressure off of me. When we were potty training I used a kitchen timer. When the boys would whine because it was "potty time" which meant they had to stop playing with their toys, I would say, "chill out - it's not my fault the timer says it's pee-pee time"!!!

 

QUOTE
Giving them their own days really helps to cut down on some of that and somehow they seem to take it better when it's decided by the calendar, and not Mom!!


QUOTE
Kim, I am very good at blaming "something" to take the pressure off of me. When we were potty training I used a kitchen timer. When the boys would whine because it was "potty time" which meant they had to stop playing with their toys, I would say, "chill out - it's not my fault the timer says it's pee-pee time"!!!


Dang it, where were all you wise ladies when my twins were toddlers? I could have been saved a LOT of grief if I'd known then what you know now! :laughing:

 

QUOTE(heathernd @ Sep 8 2007, 04:53 PM) [snapback]398771[/snapback]
Kim, I am very good at blaming "something" to take the pressure off of me. When we were potty training I used a kitchen timer. When the boys would whine because it was "potty time" which meant they had to stop playing with their toys, I would say, "chill out - it's not my fault the timer says it's pee-pee time"!!!

Heather, we must be on the same page. Family used to laugh because we have a kitchen timer in nearly every room in the house. I find we don't use them any more but for a time, they were a Mom's best friend! I also used to put toys in "time out" if sharing one was an issue. That way no one got to play with it. Yes, I was (am) a MEAN mom!!

Renée, I wish we had known you back then too. It could have saved you some major hair-pulling, I'm certain. However, don't let my posts fool you. I have had plenty of frustrating, hair pulling moments myself. It's out of that frustration that I searched for solutions like these.

 

Okay, I am getting so many good tips here. I love the "time out" for the toys. I am implementing that TODAY! Thanks, ladies.