How do you handle lying?

MY son has started to lie to me. It started off with little stuff like telling me he had washed his hands when he hadn't but today it got much bigger. He got his first ever poor conduct mark in school today. Not good but not a huge issue either. Unfortunately he decided to erase the mark in his folder so that I would not know about it. This is a huge deal to me! but I do not really know how to impress upon him why this is so wrong. He lost his desert privelege tonight, and my husband told him he has to do his chores and not get paid his usual allowance for two weeks. But again I am just not sure that this consequence has made an impact on him

so, what do you do when your children lie to you? We have talked about the fact that lying is worse than the original offense and it makes me sad and I am not be able to trust him, etc. but he is still doing it.

any advice?

 

I don't have all the answers on this one. But we've had to deal with it a little lately, too.... with my 9 year old and with one of our twins. We make a big deal about how lying about something is much worse than whatever they had done wrong in the first place, and explaining possible consequences of being known as untrustworthy. And we try very hard to praise them when they do tell a difficult truth, own up to something, etc. And I start checking up on them much more often and pointing out that right now I can't believe their word because they've lied to me in the past. So sometimes they might miss out on an activity, because I haven't had time to do the checking to make sure they did what they were supposed to. I try to show them know that their life will really be much better and happier when people know that they can believe and trust them, even when it's not easy to tell the truth... or especially then.

 

I believe any punishment/discipline should be in accordance with what they did. So, by erasing the mark on the folder, perhaps he had to do some extra homework or reading/writing. We've had 'little' lies like not brushing teeth etc, but nothing big YET. I'm waiting. I think it is normal about that age to see where the boundries are. :hug:

 

try to turn it around on him and say how would you feel if mommy lied to you? and explain what that would mean.. such as if you were to say were going for ice cream and then not take them on purpose. or what ever example would work for your family. that might make more sense to him. he is still young to get the whole lying concept. I'm sure he is getting it but doesn't quite understand it per say.

 

How we respond depends on what they're lying about. For things like washing hands or brushing teeth, I got tired of the constant "Yes I did!" "No, I really think you didn't" argument -- so we just made it part of the routine that the parent has to smell the soap/toothpaste. :ibiggrin:

I agree with your gut feeling that a random punishment like chores or dessert is not likely to make an impact. In general, when I'm trying to think of a consequence, I try to frame it as, "What problem did the behavior actually cause?" Then rather than handing out a punishment, I make them work to fix the problem they created. It helps me keep the consequence relevant to the behavior.

So, in this case -- maybe have a meeting with his teacher in which he has to admit to erasing the mark? Or if he would be too upset by a face-to-face interaction, you could have him write a note to the teacher and make him bring it back home with her signature.

And also, we do what Dielle said:

 

We have a specific punishment for lying on top of whether or not there is a punishment for the bad deed. For us, lying means no computer time. We are fortunate that while DS has had behavior issues, he's been honest about them. He has times where he refuses to color his behavior sheet if he is on a bad color. On those days, I take away his computer time and tell him he has to let me know what his behavior was even if it was bad. I leave it at that.

 

Although my kids are only 4, my DD has already started with some lying. I do a few things that seem to work, for one I just keep going on like I know the truth (which I do) and I don't even acknowledge the lie, as we both know the truth. So I don't get into debates, I know the truth so I just go on with the truth as I know it.

Also, I tell the kids this "I really appreciate it when you tell the truth, and I am very proud of you when you tell the truth" often this statement alone brings out the truth! If not, then I continue with "even if I don't like what you tell me, I am always proud when you tell the truth". Then they usually fess up, and I thank them for telling the truth, we talk about how important telling the truth is.

As for consequences we haven't needed them yet, but in your case I would try and have him do something related directly to the lying incident. Such as talk to the teacher, write a note (as pp suggested),,,or perhaps ask your DS what he thinks a good consequence is...he may come up with a better one than we can!

I do think some of this lying is a natural stage, but I would just keep talking positively of telling the truth in your day to day lives, and how proud you are when they tell the truth even though it is sometimes very hard to do.

Good luck!

 

The lying about washing hands is no big deal...I think every kid does that at one point or another.

Erasing the mark on his folder, however, is a serious matter. Of course you should have a talk with him that this was the wrong thing to do. But I think you should also explain to him that this is wrong because you and his teacher need to communicate about him honestly, because both you and the teacher care about him very much and want to make sure that he is the best person he could be. He should know that you love him no matter what, whether he behaves well or not, whether he gets good grades or not. But if there is something going on at school that is a concern to his teacher, you should know about it because you want to help him with whatever is bothering him at school. If you don't know that there is something going on at school, you can't help him solve the issue he is having at school. I think he should know that you are on his side no matter what.

Sometimes kids who are really eager to please their parents lie so that they won't disappoint their parents. He might just need that reassurance that you are there not to condemn him for his behavior but to help him improve himself.

 

Lying is a pet peeve of mine. I find that when adults lie, it's a like a terrible personality flaw. I try real hard with my kids to explain that lying will not be tolerated. At all. They know that if they get caught lying, they will be punished more severely than for the original problem they tried to cover up. I caught my daughter lying to me the other day, for the first time (she did poorly on a test, and teacher asked her to stay in at recess to correct some of the problems using the correct formula - I asked her if she studied and she said it MAY have been a pop quiz - I asked her if that was the truth and being a terrible liar she said no, she knew about it). It wasn't a whopper of a lie, but I hate even white lies. I gave her such a lecture about being truthful. I asked her what she thought about people/friends who lie, and she said she didn't like people who lied. So I explained she didn't want to be turning into one of those people. She understood and agreed. Ask your son if he would like it if you or his friends lied to him. I bet he would understand that lying is never a good option.