How do you enforce Timeouts?

Sorry, I know there are already a lot of posts on this topic, but my back is killing me today, I'm feeling like a bad father (I won't go into details), and I'm just hoping to get some fodder for improvement on this topic.

Where do you hold your timeouts and how do you enforce them? It seems like we really need to improve on this--it's our only form of discipline and I don't think we're being very consistent about it. Currently, we're taking J over to the stairs and sitting there with him. If we don't sit with him then he just immediately gets up and the whole timeout thing seems to be a joke. But when we stay there with him, then it seems to be just another forum for interacting with him. How do we get him to stay there? Should we be having him go upstairs to his bed instead--will that place make it any more condusive to being a "timeout" area or does it matter? Should he be in timeout by himself or should we be there with him?

He is hitting a lot and I don't know what to do about it. Actually, I don't care so much about the timeouts as I do with how to get this hitting to STOP. I may need some advice on how I need to behave when my child is hitting me or my wife. Thanks for your thoughts. /Joel

 

One of my twins goes to a corner in his room where I deliberately have no toys or anything within his reach. He stays there, he's afraid not to although I'm not sure what he thinks I'll do. Thank goodness because I don't have a back-up plan! LOL!

If there's been a few time-outs and they aren't working, I'll make them lay in their beds w/o books or toys for a longer period of time. . . mostly to cool off.

 

QUOTE(HusbandJ @ Oct 1 2008, 02:55 PM) [snapback]1006939[/snapback]
It seems like we really need to improve on this--it's our only form of discipline and I don't think we're being very consistent about it. Currently, we're taking J over to the stairs and sitting there with him. If we don't sit with him then he just immediately gets up and the whole timeout thing seems to be a joke.


Hey Joel,

sorry you are having such a rough time. it sounds very frustrating. I think a major problem to your timeouts could be exactly what you stated above. consistency is the KEY!!! If you do not follow through every single time and in the same manner then you give mixed messages to your child and they don't take you seriously. I also think that if you have to sit with your child during a timeout, that can sometimes actually be a reward for your child. Spending time one on one time with daddy, kwim? Here is what I would suggest.

1. When the behavior occurs (hitting in your case), try as hard as you can (it IS hard) to remain calm. You say immediately to him. "No hitting. Hitting is not acceptable behavior. Time out." and immediately follow through.

2. Timeout should be in a location that is away from the activities going on in the house (in my house, we rarely use the dining room so my girls sit in a chair in there for their time out). I know people who strap them into a booster seat and move the chair to a corner or away from the action. Some people use a timeout towel which you can put ANYWHERE though in your house it should be in the same spot always. But with a specific timeout towel, you can take it anywhere you go and use it (at a store, at a friends house, at family's house etc.)

3. You might want to get a timer as a visual for the timeout. Most kids don't get the concept of time and feel like they may be there forever so it kind of freaks them out. With a timer set in front of them (but a little out of reach) they can "see" when their timeout will be over.

4. Usually, they suggest 1 minute per age. But if you do a little more, it shouldn't be much more. Maybe a couple of minutes more (1 to 2 minutes more).

5. Now for the really hard part but if you stay very very consistent with this, it will most likely get much better. Once you put him in his timeout spot, you tell him, "You are in time out. You do not move from there until I tell you (or until you hear the timer)." and you walk away. Stay close by so that you can peek on him if need be. If he gets up, you say to him, "I told you not to get up until the timer goes off. Your timeout starts over." and then you put him back in the seat and in front of him you show him that you are starting the timer over. Again, remind him of what he must do. The hardest part of this is that you may have to do it 3 or 4 times or you may have to do it 15 or 20 times in a row but sooner or later he is going to get exhausted of this "game" because he WILL see that you mean business and that you are willing to play this "game" with him all day if need be. He will realize that he is not going to get his way and worst of all, he can't go back to playing or watching his program or whatever. It can truly be an exhausting process but once he respects this timeout process as being a no joke kind of thing, the behaviors will start to diminish and he will get better about taking his timeout.

6. When the timeout is over. You get down to his level and you say to him calmly but firmly. "Hitting is NOT allowed. It is dangerous and hurts other people and their feelings." Then you make him apologize to whom ever he hit and then that's it. Go about your day. Don't keep talking about it and trying to explain because it will go over their head and they will tune you out if you are too wordy. Keep it simple and to the point.

best of luck to you. you are doing a great job daddy!!!!

 

My boys are 3 years 3 months and one started getting t/o about 2 months ago and the other just last month. Time out at our house is in an area of our foyer. They wouldn't stay there at all (without us practically sitting on them) until we put them up in their room (by themselves) a few times for the 3 minutes (no toys or anything for them to play with there). They HATED that and then they started staying in the foyer timeout spot. Now they have to stay for 3 minutes (if they leave the area we add a minute for each time they leave it). We turn off the tv (if it is on) and we don't interact with them. When the buzzer goes off, they know they can leave the foyer, they have to apologize for what they did to the person they did it to, and we get on their level for a hug and we tell them we love them.

I will also put items (toys/books) in timeout for 10 minutes if they are fighting over them (and I didn't see who had it first) or they are being mean to their toys.

I do have to say that I have been more consistent in the last few months and I think the big change happened with DH started being consistent. He used to threaten timeout, woud count (1-2-3 Magic method) and never followed through. I think that has made a huge difference!

Good luck. This is a tough age all around!
Mendy

 

QUOTE(double-or-nothing @ Oct 1 2008, 03:07 PM) [snapback]1007223[/snapback]
Hey Joel,

sorry you are having such a rough time. it sounds very frustrating. I think a major problem to your timeouts could be exactly what you stated above. consistency is the KEY!!! If you do not follow through every single time and in the same manner then you give mixed messages to your child and they don't take you seriously. I also think that if you have to sit with your child during a timeout, that can sometimes actually be a reward for your child. Spending time one on one time with daddy, kwim? Here is what I would suggest.

1. When the behavior occurs (hitting in your case), try as hard as you can (it IS hard) to remain calm. You say immediately to him. "No hitting. Hitting is not acceptable behavior. Time out." and immediately follow through.

2. Timeout should be in a location that is away from the activities going on in the house (in my house, we rarely use the dining room so my girls sit in a chair in there for their time out). I know people who strap them into a booster seat and move the chair to a corner or away from the action. Some people use a timeout towel which you can put ANYWHERE though in your house it should be in the same spot always. But with a specific timeout towel, you can take it anywhere you go and use it (at a store, at a friends house, at family's house etc.)

3. You might want to get a timer as a visual for the timeout. Most kids don't get the concept of time and feel like they may be there forever so it kind of freaks them out. With a timer set in front of them (but a little out of reach) they can "see" when their timeout will be over.

4. Usually, they suggest 1 minute per age. But if you do a little more, it shouldn't be much more. Maybe a couple of minutes more (1 to 2 minutes more).

5. Now for the really hard part but if you stay very very consistent with this, it will most likely get much better. Once you put him in his timeout spot, you tell him, "You are in time out. You do not move from there until I tell you (or until you hear the timer)." and you walk away. Stay close by so that you can peek on him if need be. If he gets up, you say to him, "I told you not to get up until the timer goes off. Your timeout starts over." and then you put him back in the seat and in front of him you show him that you are starting the timer over. Again, remind him of what he must do. The hardest part of this is that you may have to do it 3 or 4 times or you may have to do it 15 or 20 times in a row but sooner or later he is going to get exhausted of this "game" because he WILL see that you mean business and that you are willing to play this "game" with him all day if need be. He will realize that he is not going to get his way and worst of all, he can't go back to playing or watching his program or whatever. It can truly be an exhausting process but once he respects this timeout process as being a no joke kind of thing, the behaviors will start to diminish and he will get better about taking his timeout.

6. When the timeout is over. You get down to his level and you say to him calmly but firmly. "Hitting is NOT allowed. It is dangerous and hurts other people and their feelings." Then you make him apologize to whom ever he hit and then that's it. Go about your day. Don't keep talking about it and trying to explain because it will go over their head and they will tune you out if you are too wordy. Keep it simple and to the point.

best of luck to you. you are doing a great job daddy!!!!

Great post, I just had to quote it because I needed to say ditto and :bow2:.

Good luck to you. Time outs work if you're consistent. Just remember that it will wayyyy easier to be consistent with modifying their behavior now than when they're teens.

 

QUOTE
5. Now for the really hard part but if you stay very very consistent with this, it will most likely get much better. Once you put him in his timeout spot, you tell him, "You are in time out. You do not move from there until I tell you (or until you hear the timer)." and you walk away. Stay close by so that you can peek on him if need be. If he gets up, you say to him, "I told you not to get up until the timer goes off. Your timeout starts over." and then you put him back in the seat and in front of him you show him that you are starting the timer over. Again, remind him of what he must do. The hardest part of this is that you may have to do it 3 or 4 times or you may have to do it 15 or 20 times in a row but sooner or later he is going to get exhausted of this "game" because he WILL see that you mean business and that you are willing to play this "game" with him all day if need be. He will realize that he is not going to get his way and worst of all, he can't go back to playing or watching his program or whatever. It can truly be an exhausting process but once he respects this timeout process as being a no joke kind of thing, the behaviors will start to diminish and he will get better about taking his timeout.


You are right. This is hard. Last night we had a major issue (I apparently jinxed myself in the other thread). Both me and dh got mad at him for not staying and we made the situation much worse.

So today I read 1-2-3- Magic and will be strapping him in to a booster chair to eliminate that issue. So far, he has not needed a time out today but when the time comes, I am looking forward to the changes I will be making. Especially the less talking that I will do and the less emotion that I will show.

Joel, good luck. You got some great advice here!

 

I also have to ditto what Melanie wrote about time out, she said it really well. Don't sit with him, if he gets up then put him back (again and again and again) with no talking to him. He will get that you are serious eventually.

As far as the what to do about the hitting in general, it's hard to say without more information about when and why it happens. When does he hit? Is there a certain time of day it happens most? Is it when he is really angry/having a tantrum or whenever he doesn't get his own way (even if he doesn't seem that angry)? Does he hit his brother/other children? Does he hit other adults or just you and your wife? Does he hit you when you are out and about or just at home?
As general advice I would say try and work out if there is a reason/trigger for his behaviour and change that. If the only reason is that he's a three year old and hitting is how he deals with being angry then being consistant with time outs, together with showing him better ways to experess his anger, should do a lot to help stop it.

 

QUOTE(double-or-nothing @ Oct 1 2008, 09:07 PM) [snapback]1007223[/snapback]
Hey Joel,

sorry you are having such a rough time. it sounds very frustrating. I think a major problem to your timeouts could be exactly what you stated above. consistency is the KEY!!! If you do not follow through every single time and in the same manner then you give mixed messages to your child and they don't take you seriously. I also think that if you have to sit with your child during a timeout, that can sometimes actually be a reward for your child. Spending time one on one time with daddy, kwim? Here is what I would suggest.

1. When the behavior occurs (hitting in your case), try as hard as you can (it IS hard) to remain calm. You say immediately to him. "No hitting. Hitting is not acceptable behavior. Time out." and immediately follow through.

2. Timeout should be in a location that is away from the activities going on in the house (in my house, we rarely use the dining room so my girls sit in a chair in there for their time out). I know people who strap them into a booster seat and move the chair to a corner or away from the action. Some people use a timeout towel which you can put ANYWHERE though in your house it should be in the same spot always. But with a specific timeout towel, you can take it anywhere you go and use it (at a store, at a friends house, at family's house etc.)

3. You might want to get a timer as a visual for the timeout. Most kids don't get the concept of time and feel like they may be there forever so it kind of freaks them out. With a timer set in front of them (but a little out of reach) they can "see" when their timeout will be over.

4. Usually, they suggest 1 minute per age. But if you do a little more, it shouldn't be much more. Maybe a couple of minutes more (1 to 2 minutes more).

5. Now for the really hard part but if you stay very very consistent with this, it will most likely get much better. Once you put him in his timeout spot, you tell him, "You are in time out. You do not move from there until I tell you (or until you hear the timer)." and you walk away. Stay close by so that you can peek on him if need be. If he gets up, you say to him, "I told you not to get up until the timer goes off. Your timeout starts over." and then you put him back in the seat and in front of him you show him that you are starting the timer over. Again, remind him of what he must do. The hardest part of this is that you may have to do it 3 or 4 times or you may have to do it 15 or 20 times in a row but sooner or later he is going to get exhausted of this "game" because he WILL see that you mean business and that you are willing to play this "game" with him all day if need be. He will realize that he is not going to get his way and worst of all, he can't go back to playing or watching his program or whatever. It can truly be an exhausting process but once he respects this timeout process as being a no joke kind of thing, the behaviors will start to diminish and he will get better about taking his timeout.

6. When the timeout is over. You get down to his level and you say to him calmly but firmly. "Hitting is NOT allowed. It is dangerous and hurts other people and their feelings." Then you make him apologize to whom ever he hit and then that's it. Go about your day. Don't keep talking about it and trying to explain because it will go over their head and they will tune you out if you are too wordy. Keep it simple and to the point.

best of luck to you. you are doing a great job daddy!!!!



I won't re-type, since I can say ditto to all this! I also recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. Mostly, consistency is key.

 

Melanie~ GREAT POST! I needed the advise too!

 

I dont' know what age yours are but I put mine in the pnp then I dont have to worry about them getting outa and after the time I get them out. It is also out fo the way where they can't see us or the toys.

 

Great advice given by pp.

My DS is really going through a rough spot these days. Hitting (okay smacking), temper tantrums, throwing toys, etc. I think he lives in naughty time right now. He knows where it is, he knows why he's there, but still he tries to escape at times. I have been known to hold him down, but darn it, he just laughed at me. I'm done with that.

So, now, I tell him to stay put and if he doesn't, I start the timer over. Yes, he has been in timeout for a good 5 minutes at a time, but you HAVE to be consistent. When he throws, he goes. When he knocks over a chair in anger, he goes.

Also, make sure that while in naughty time, there is NO communication. The book says that you have to give the solitude. The only time that I say something is if I am starting the timer over. There are just no negotiations to this discipline practice.