How do you deal with whining?

Elliot is a huge whiner (I think it's payback for the way I was when I was a kid). It's incredibly annoying, and DH really can not stand it. It's one of the things that we can't agree on how to deal with . . . it's mostly that he gets upset over something, and then he's kind of weepy and sniffly and can't talk without sounding like he's going to burst into tears.

DH often gets angry and threatens time outs. This just makes things worse I think. Also, he'll want something, but will ask for it in such a whiny way that DH won't give it to him, (says "you have to ask in your normal voice"), which also makes it worse, so then DH will not give in and give him his cider or whatever it is, and he gets more and more upset (which is when the talk of time outs start).

On the other hand, I try to comfort him a little so he will calm down. If it's cider he wants, I tell him he needs to ask nicely (using a please) but don't insist on the "normal voice". I also don't see any point in punishing him for being upset - that's just going to make him more upset. But DH doesn't see any point in giving in and giving him what he wants when he's whining for it, as that's just going to spoil him and allow him to be whiny.

Of course we also try to rationalize with him - explain why we said/did/he can't do whatever it is that set him off in the first place, but he's a 3 year old and just not very rational. And it's often something stupid (DH put his shoes on when he wanted me to do it, or some such thing)

Any suggestions? Last night Elliot was so whiny at dinner that DH took his own dinner and left the room (thanks - let me deal with everything on my own).

This is pretty much a daily issue. How do you deal with whiners?

-Rachel

 

OH I think that whining is par for the course in a 3 yr olds day! We have it too. I have started to tell them that I can't understand them when they whine and that they need to talk so that I can help them. That seems to work sometimes. We also do 1-2-3 Magic for the really terrible whining that we know will turn into a tantrum. That also works sometimes. I think so much of it is just their age. I would say that if you threaten with time outs you need to follow through with it and actually put them in TO. Good luck and know that we are all in the same boat.

 

I think around that time I said, "I can't understand you when you are whining. Can you try again in a regular voice?" about 1 million times a day. I tried to remain calm and just keep repeating that I couldn't understand them, that I wanted to help, suggested they go calm down in their own room if it did escalate in to a tantrum, etc. And when they did ask in a regular voice, I praised them and gave a big smile, hug and thank you for such polite asking. Now, 3 years later, I still get whining, but I only have to ask them to "try again in a regular voice" and they can pull themselves out of it.

Basically, I think kids go to whining because it gets a big reaction (your husband leaving the room, for instance). Sometimes bad attention is better than no attention, if you know what I mean. Your son is 3, he isn't quite capable of making rational decisions, but he does know what works to get you to look his way. And, hey, it is working for your son -- you comfort him quickly before he melts down. Don't reward the whining with quick action. Stay calm and ask him quietly to repeat his request politely in a regular voice. And then praise him with a big reaction when he does. Save the big reactions for things you want to encourage. Ignore or stay neutral to those you want to discourage. And try hard to stay consistent.

It's easy to take kids good behavior for granted, but paying attention and praising kids for it is really the most effective way to encourage it. They love attention and praise -- so use that to help them learn. I hope this helps!

 

One of my twins girls is the biggest whiner and it drives me nuts! I try to remain calm and tell her to use her regular voice and that I cannot understand her when she talks like that. Then I will kind of demonstrate a whiney voice and say "do you understand me when I talk like that?" That usually makes her start to laugh. It's probably not the best thing I could do, but it changes that whining to laughing. THen I just ask her to tell me again, in a regular voice, what she needs. I find that keeping my voice low helps alot. The more I yell or get angry, the worse they get. So even if I am mad I try to talk quietly to them and that helps.

Amy

 

well, i think it just comes with the territory of dealing with kids. I swear even my 15 year old stepson still whines sometimes.

arwen is the only one that really whines right now and i have been pretty lucky with her. if she is whining for something or doing a pretend/frustrated cry, all i have to say is "i'm sorry, i don't understand. use your big girl voice." and then miraculously, she says it in a normal voice. i have been doing this with her for several weeks now and it makes it much easier. she knows i won't answer her or help her or give her what she wants unless she says it with her "big girl voice." not sure if it will work eventually with lorien when we get to the whining stage with her but i will try it again and i pray it's as successful as it has been with arwen. i think the trick is to NOT give in to them when they are whining. if arwen ever continues to whine, i just say "i'm sorry. i just don't understand you when you talk like that." and i walk away. sometimes i have said to her, "when you are ready to tell me in your big girl voice, i will be more than happy to listen." if you are going to use time outs, you can't just threaten it. you HAVE to follow through otherwise, it has no meaning for them and they could care less. GL, i know it's hard to listen to. i just try not to make a big deal about it and let them know i have no interest in what they want to say when they talk like that. i've been lucky, it's worked so far.

 

I agree with everything said and sympathize with the different approaches - tho at our house it's all dependent on how tired we are and whether we (parents) can be on our best behavior

Everything Ellen said and ditto on the helping them laugh their way out of it (we have to pick the times this will work) but it does seem to get better over the long haul. GL!