How do you deal with upset child?

My one daughter gets so upset when she gets a problem wrong on a test or even her homework. She cries and gets very mad at herself. I try to tell her that it's ok and this is how you learn. I let her know I am proud of her no matter what. I feel so bad that she gets so upset. She's also the same daughter that when tired gets over emotional and needs to take a time out just to calm herself down or she will end up yelling or hurting someone. I sit with her when she does her homework (which some days I hate doing because she always complains about it and says she has so much to do but can whiz right through it if she would just calm down and do it). I love her teacher she is a very positive teacher and she is in contact with us all the time, wants to know how homework is going at home since she knows our daughter causes such problems at home but is a perfect angel at school. I just don't know how to get through to her that is doesn't have to be perfect, even when she is writing if one of her letters are off a little she will erase the whole word and rewrite it and sometimes she will do it so much she puts a hole in her paper. She already has perfect hand writing it is neater than some adults. Any ideas on what I can do or say to let her know that it's ok to get something wrong. I hate when she beats herself up over these things.

 

No advice, but my oldest DS who is in Kindergarten, will often do that same thing. Erase until he likes the way the letter/word looks, say he isn't reading well or writing well, etc. He broke down one time when he had a "-" on one paper that he confused the directions on. It broke my heart! We don't expect perfection, but he does.

 

Honestly, I wish my kids were more like that. The twins could care less if they get one wrong. I wish mine would push themselves harder. Maybe it's a good thing she is self driven.

 

Timothy would have melt-downs for a while if he had to redo something. He honestly just had to get through it and get over it. One of my favorite lines from that point in time- "you can get mad or you can just get done". He eventually got the point and it's probably been over a year since we had a homework meltdown.

Marissa

 

Naomi and Luke are like that too. Naomi will get very upset very quickly if she gets something wrong, or if you point out something she needs to work on or change. She will try to quit whole activities/worksheets if she gets one answer wrong (even if she has got every answer up to that right) or start crying that she can't do it.
I wish I had a good answer for you but we pretty much just do what you are already doing; tell her that it is OK to make mistakes, it is practice and she is learning, nobody knows the right answer to every question all the time. It sometimes helps (for things like maths problems) to explain the question in a different way or ask her to explain how she worked out a previous question and then explain how she can use the same method for the question she's stuck on. We also talk about how different people find different things tricky and that the teachers need to have some easier questions and some harder questions so that they can see what you are getting stuck on and know what to teach you next. The other thing I try and do is praise the effort they put into the work just as much as the result they get.

It is getting slightly better as we go along so I'm hopeful that she'll internalise the message and stop being quite so hard on herself eventually. I'm all for having high expectations and wanting to do well, but not to the point of major stress and upset.

 

This is exactly the way I think she feels but I am just happy if she tries and we don't push her either. Her sister has horrible hand writing and has to work so much harder on her homework and we don't push her. As long as they are trying that's all that matters to us.

I honestly wouldn't care if she wanted to be perfect but the meltdowns are just to much. She will scream and yell, throw her pencil. She just gets so upset and worked up that it is even pointless for her to try to do her work until she calms down. But she won't try to calm down until she is done with her work. It is just so frustrating that I can't help her. Thankfully it's not everyday but it is starting to get more frequent in her meltdowns.

 

Yikes! Sorry about all the extra replies, looks like the forum freaked out a bit! Maybe a mod can delete the extra posts? I'm not able to go back and edit them.

I wonder whether it would help for you to use some sort of time out when she gets that upset? Say she is not allowed to sit at the table until she has calmed down. Then it is not exactly a punishment (don't want to add any more negativity) but might help to break the cycle of frustration. At the times when she gets overtired and needs a time out to calm down is she able to recognise that herself or do you have to send her? If she's able to take herself off for some quiet space in that situation you might be able to talk to her about recognising when she's getting stressed over her homework and giving herself a break for a few minutes.

 

OK, that answer posted twice too!

 

I have had a similar issue with one or both of the girls at different times. Right now they are getting into some work that will help them with testing later this year and its hard on them.

The first thing I have found that helps is that when they get home, we don't immediately do homework. I let them watch a half hour of PBS TV, have a snack and unwind a little. Then we start homework. Each has to try on their own, then come to me if they are having trouble. If a meltdown starts, I take the 'offending' homework away and ask them to work on something else, a different subject homework, or GS project, or something else completely, if they have no more homework. If we get to the point where I can't help, their sister can't help (often the other had the same homework the day before and can give hints to help). We write a note to the teacher, "Dear Mrs W or S, I am having trouble with this homework and need help. I don't understand XYZ' The homework has to be brought to the teacher in the morning so the girls can get their help.

The other thing I have tried with Holly especially is when she is in complete meltdown, go take a shower. It literally helps her re focus. Sometimes she still can't get the homework done, and we go back to asking the teacher for help.

I also have email addresses for both of their teachers and I will send a note if we have a homework problem. Sometimes their teachers have ideas that help with how to cope with meltdowns, based on their experience, and their knowledge of both your child and the work they are doing. Teachers can be one of the best resources a parent can utilize!

Cassie could care less if she does the work wrong. Even if it means she needs to redo an entire project. Holly is a perfectionist when it comes to her work, so if she does it wrong she fixes it before it even makes it home.

Because a lot of the stress and meltdowns we have are related just to homework, I work to make it a stress free time here at home.

 

My Allison is like that. It was something her preschool teacher spoke with us about because she will literally melt down if her drawings or letters aren't what she believes to be perfect. We've just continued to tell her she does an excellent job and it's okay not to be perfect. I honestly don't know any other way to handle it. It's very sad to me when they just can't see how good their work is even when it doesn't meet their expectations.

 

I don't usually have them do homework right away either unless we have something going on later that night where they won't be able to do it later. I give them a snack when they get home and they can go play with their toys (no tv because that starts other problems). I let her do it at her own pace and when she wants to do it (it just isn't aloud to be done when it's time for bed). I have talked to the teacher and she is the one who suggested to let her do it when she wants to and we are in contact with her about it. I can't write a note to the teacher saying she is having trouble with it because she gets up set that she couldn't do it. Usually once she calms down she goes right through her homework no problem too.

I will have to try the shower idea if she is willing to do it. She usually loves taking showers but then she also feels like she is going to miss out on something if she is doing something else.

 

Becky, another "trick" is to have her work in 10 min bursts. Just set a timer for 10 min., during that time, she has to do her homework. Once the timer goes off, she can have a 5-10 min break. That way she knows she isn't sitting for a ton of time, and the timer is now in control--believe me, sounds silly, but it works. You will find that if she is doing well on something, she will continue past the timer. But the timer gives her an "out", and will allow her to relax a bit more.

 

One of my sons is more easily frustrated as well. I read a book: The Explosive Child that has really helped me in how I deal with the meltdowns as well as being able to circumvent them (most of the time). Also, trying to keep sugar and red food dye out of most foods has helped a bit too.

 

My son is a perfectionist also and if the fit occurs and goes on, we take him out of the situation. Usually they occur when he is tired or hungry. In some instances, we've had him not do his homework and explain to his teacher why. This allows him to verbalize what is going on. We've also talked to him about it not having to be perfect. He's slowly getting that idea.