How do you deal with the whining and attitude?

I've never posted in this forum before as my twins are 8 months, but I need to know if my DS is the only one with the constant whining and attitude issues. He's really a very good kid, but he whines and gets upset about the smallest things. He also has a big attitude. He'll tell me what he is and is not going to do. He also "back talks" us a lot, and is constantly arguing over every little thing! We actually had a 10 minute argument the other day about the fact that I am smarter than he is! Please tell me I'm not the only one going through this and that it will get better. He's driving me crazy!

 

It will get better, but you also have to decide (easier said than done) not to get sucked into any more debates. Learn to repeat "because this is the way we're going to do it" or whatever similar phrase is appropriate. That doesn't give a child anything to grab onto and argue with.

I generally would respond to backtalk with my eyebrows raised elaborately high and say, "Excuse me?" giving the child a chance to rephrase. Sometimes, if it was really bad backtalk, I'd put the child in timeout. Other times I'd just say, "Let's see if you can think of a better way to say that." The first few times I had to more-or-less rephrase for them in the appropriately respectful tone so they could repeat it. Now I generally just have to raise my eyebrows.

(Of course, it starts all over in the teen years. )

 

Oh am I in your boat right now! In fact, I posted a topic last week labeled "HELP WITH WHINING"! My DD is the same way - not bad but can be very defiant. She is spending a lot of time in her room these days; I never let up on that - if she acts a certain way she goes to her room. She is getting tired of having to "miss out on all the fun" by going to her room so I hope things get better soon.

 

Right there with you! I'm reading Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley right now, to see if I can react to things better -- some days, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with my 4-year-old, because ugh, she can be such a brat.

A good friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher, and she swears that kids improve dramatically when they enter kindergarten. I surely hope that's the case!

 

I've been taking away privlages, rewarding good behavior. I'm really trying to praise when I notice them not whining. I even mention it optloud to others in front of them, and I can tell they are so proud. When they whine, I remind them to try again. If they continue, they get a consequence.

Another thing I've been doing lately is distracting them. I'll tell them stories about how I was disciplined when I whined as a child. Or, if they are fighting about a toy/ whining aobut food, I tell them about others who don't have toys and food like they do and how lucky we are. I tell them that these kids would never whine because they don't like corn and they would do anything to have even a kernel. These conversations usually distract them from the whining.

As far as the attitude- I don't tolerate it. They know this, so I don't have to deal with it too often anymore. But, if they have an attitude with me, I give them one chance to correct themselves. After that it's a time out, but that's rare (FINALLY!). I tell them "I'm you mother and your not allowed to talk to me like that" -PERIOD!

 

I have one of those .. I try to figure out what it is that hee needs and if it continues .. I hit the "ignore" button and let him whine away. He usually gets mad at first then goes off to something else.

 

I have always dealt with back talk by saying, "excuse, me, do you want to try again?" Then give them a chance to restate what was improper. If they can't find the right words on their own, I tell them what is the right thing to say -- "I'm sorry, what I think I heard you say, is, 'Yes, Mommy, I would be very happy to pick up my toys.'" Then I have them repeat the proper thing to say and we go from there. After a while, just saying excuse me, will get them to restate their request/complaint in a better way. I also do this if I'm "ordered" to do something. I don't take orders, I fill requests. If you want me to do something fo you, you must ask me politely.

My other baisc rule, is if I get asked repeatedly for something (mom, can I have cookies, Mom can I have cookies, Mom can I have cookies) the answer is an automatic no. Ask me once, accept my answer. If my answer is Maybe later, you may ask me once more at a later time. But asking for the same thing three or more times is automatically a no. I do not enjoy being badgered for anything.

I simply refuse to listen to and respond to whining. I will say I don't understand a whiny voice, you must talk to me in a big girl/boy voice if you want me to know what you are saying. Anything asked for in a whiny voice gets a no answer.

Just be consistent. Don't give in once, because it opens the door for that behavior to continue. If you have been giving in, let him know that from this point on, the whining will not get him what he wants, and you won't listen to it anymore. Let him know that from this point on, the attitude will not get him what he wants and there will be consequences. Then give it your best shot.

I know how frustrating this phase can be -- best wishes for success!

 

I like a lot of the advice you have gotten so far as it will help me for when I'm in that phase. The only thing I can relate to now is the whining. I find that all I have to say is "I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are saying. Please use your big girl voice." and immediately the whining stops and they say it again in a normal voice. I just literally pretend that I don't understand what they are saying with that funny voice. I like the idea of saying "Excuse me" and giving the child a chance to rephrase it. I also agree that you should not be getting into debates with him. At this age, they still are very egocentric (have problems seening the world from someone elses point of view) so he will continue to argue that he is smarter because he can't possibly imagine that anyone IS smarter than he is. I think just saying "You know, you ARE a very smart little boy." is all you need to say and leave it at that. I remember my stepson going through the "I know it all" phase and constantly trying to argue with us when he was clearly wrong. I too used to give into it and argue and I got so sick of it that I just started saying, "Oh, ok." when he was relentless on proving us wrong. There was just no point to continue arguing because in his mind he was right and we were wrong and I knew eventually he would find out the truty. It's very frustrating. GL and I hope it is a short lived phase!!

 

Thank you all for the great advice. I do try to do a lot of the things you suggested. I just get really frustrated sometimes. Thanks again for "listening".

 

QUOTE(rubyturquoise @ Jul 21 2008, 05:44 PM) [snapback]887402[/snapback]
It will get better, but you also have to decide (easier said than done) not to get sucked into any more debates. Learn to repeat "because this is the way we're going to do it" or whatever similar phrase is appropriate. That doesn't give a child anything to grab onto and argue with.

I generally would respond to backtalk with my eyebrows raised elaborately high and say, "Excuse me?" giving the child a chance to rephrase. Sometimes, if it was really bad backtalk, I'd put the child in timeout. Other times I'd just say, "Let's see if you can think of a better way to say that." The first few times I had to more-or-less rephrase for them in the appropriately respectful tone so they could repeat it. Now I generally just have to raise my eyebrows.

(Of course, it starts all over in the teen years. )


I agree alot with this!! My twins just turned 3 and I swear a switch went on when they had their birthday b/c the constant whining, moaning, groaning, crying, etc just totally kicked into high gear. It's horrible!!

First of all, with the arguing...mine aren't really old enough to "argue" back or backtalk, but I would definitely NOT give your DS something to argue about. If they keep asking "why", I'll respond to the question the first time, but after that it's "because I am the mommy (or I'm the adult...if I'm talking to my daycare kids) and that's just how it is. You can decide when you are a mommy/adult." That ususually ends it all. I'm definitely NOT looking forward to the backtalk that will be soon to come (I was queen of it when I was growing up)...and I'm NOT looking forward to the teen years with 3 girls...ugh!

With the whining, crying over small things...I'm SO sick of this. I was doing time out and it wasn't working. So, I started telling them that if they want to cry/whine, they can sit in their room until they are done. Well, this is the end of the world b/c their room is upstairs away from everyone else and they will quickly come to their wits about things and stop crying. It works for now...I'm sure it will wear off soon.

HUGS to you...toddlers can be SO frustrating!