How do you deal with the anger

The girls' school was closed today and I was on my own with them all day. The morning was fine, but they were pretty impossible in the afternoon & evening. I know SAHMs do this all the time, but there were soooo many moments when I just had to swallow my anger and take deep breaths to avoid yelling at them. (At one point I did throw Amy's clothes across the room. <_< ) I have always had trouble dealing with anger and for the most part I just avoid situations that might make me angry, but there's no avoiding it with 3-year-olds!

After they finally went to sleep, I went and cried in the bathroom for awhile, but I'm still fuming. I feel like I don't even want to see them tomorrow morning. How do you deal with this every day and not get an ulcer?

 

I don't know, maybe because I've gotten used to it being a SAHM (the repeating, the cajoling a kid to do something - like trying to get them all out the door to go to the playground, I feel like screaming "I don't want to go to the f-ing playground! I'm doing this for you, now get a move on or we'll stay home!") I had to get a thick skin for that kind of stuff. Note, I'm not saying WOHM's don't have to deal with this too, or that I'm better or anything, please don't turn this into a Mommy War, just saying I deal with this like 24/7.

I guess I just try not to let their annoying stuff get under my skin. I sometimes do have to suck up what I want to say and save it for venting later. I also have a tactic of singing to try to diffuse the situation, like I'll sing "Ainsley you need to get your shoes on or we're not going!" instead of yelling. I do wonder sometimes if the neighbors hear me getting them all to the car (can you tell that's our big frustration issue? I really envy those of you with an attached garage who can like put the baby in the car, then come back for the others, let them get to the car, etc).

The biggest thing that keeps the frustration level down is keeping them busy, busy, busy, so they don't have time to sit and whine.

Blah, I feel like that wasn't helpful or anything, but I do understand. I've had those days when I feel like Yelling Mommy, and like I suck. :hug:

 

No, I know! That's why I felt sheepish even saying anything, because I'm like "I had to take care of them for one day and I'm a basket case!" :blush: But I figured those of you with more practice at this would probably have some survival strategies. The singing is a good one.

Did I ever mention that one of our neighbors told me (after the fact) that she had been watching through the window as I tried to physically wrestle Amy into the car? Oh, and Amy was naked at the time, except for her underwear. The woman was very nice about it. She said, "I know it probably wasn't fun, but I sort of had to laugh." I told her that was just the right attitude. :good:

 

Kelly, I love the singing response! Thanks for sharing that. I will definitely try that.

 

Honestly, I've been the yelling mommy way more times than I would like to admit, especially in the early part of the second year. However, one day around 20-ish months, my sons started crying when I yelled, and I totally stopped because it literally broke my heart. OK, I stopped like 99% of the time. Once in a blue moon, I will still find myself raising my voice more than I would like to.

One thing that has helped me to gain a sense of control has been 1-2-3 Magic. I know this is not a post about discipline, but knowing that I have a way to gain control without yelling (not like yelling works anyway but somehow that's what our minds think!) works wonders for me. Not listening/cooperating is a countable offense in our house, and it works (not like magic, but well enough to keep me sane!).

Another thing I have learned is to force myself to look at the big picture (like, years rather than minutes ahead) and that helps me to calm down and realize that they are little now but won't always be... and that this is just a moment of frustration in time - it will not last forever! That helps me but I don't know if it would help anyone else. Sometimes I get lost in the frustration of "now" and need to look at the bigger picture in order to get a grip.

Parenting is really hard, especially when you are with them day in and day out. My mother never raised her voice (that I can remember) and I have no idea how she remained so poised!!

:hug: Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Honestly- I try to remember to pray about it in the mornings, and I can tell a difference when I do. I know I yell more than I like to, and maybe it's just the reminder to myself when the day begins to be aware of it that helps, but I just have to ask God to help me be a patient mommy today! And Erin has a good point- they won't be little like this for long. Before we know it they'll be teenagers and will have all sorts of nasty teen drama. So now, even when they won't do anything we want, or whine about things, or deliberately disobey, they're still such sweet, gentle, fragile spirits that love us so much. Thinking about that helps calm me down a bit too.

:hug: It's hard though, especially for us twin moms-- they just feed off of each other and it feels so overwhelming!!! You're doing a great job though Alden- you love them and they love you, and neither of you doubts it either, I'm certain.

 

I don't know - I am the same way, but I am a SAHM. It does drive me crazy. I do have anger management issues and have received therapy in the past. I've had many moments of what seems like uncontrollable anger towards them where I need to leave the room and calm down or else I will scream badly at them and I don't want to do that. I've had bad moments where I do yell at them and I hate when I do that. The key to me is to try to isolate myself for a few minutes and I am fine. But they don't always allow that and that's where I need to work on my anger management!

 

I think all I do is yell sence the day the boys turned 2. Happy to read some good responses!

 

this is me, too i've been a bad yeller for about 2 months...

the past week, however, i have made a conscious effort to get out of this MO i've fallen into--i was a preschool teacher for goodness sake! i used to deal with 15 2-year-olds and now i can't deal with 2? i obviously just got lazy (from being so tired) but i'm glad to say i'm coming out of it, and i am enjoying them so much more! so what i keep telling myself, "i used to do this, i can do this" "think like a 2-year-old, think like a 2-year old" these are becoming my mantras LOL

LOVE the singing idea, i think we will be trying that one soon, too

thanks for posting this, though, it made me realize i'm not the only one

 

We're not allowed to yell? :woah:

J/K. I repeat this in my head all day:

"Be kind. You're the adult, they're the kids. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind."

It doesn't always work. I still yell. Sometimes, when I'm really at the end of my rope, I whisper, "Are you freaking kidding me with this?"

I think my kids know that when I whisper, they'd better get it together or mommy is going to lose it.

 

I lose it sometimes too. Sometimes I manage to derail my own anger with joking/sarcasm: "Gee, how old are you? Two and a half? You don't say!" The sarcasm is way over their heads, it makes me smile for a minute, and helps me remember that they are just 2.5 yr olds, and that they're not choosing every single action for maximum "drive mom nuts" potential.

And I really have to watch my language. They're still saying "Cheese is crust!" after I, um, took somebody's name in vain one time. Good thing I managed not to insert my customary f****** between the "cheese" and the "crust." :crazy:

 

"Cheese is crust" :rotflmbo:
I had to say that one out loud before I got it.

Sometimes I mutter that under my breath when I get really mad -- and then Amy says, "Mommy, why you say 'GEE-ZUSS'?" I always hope she won't notice, but she always does.

Anyway, today has been a much better day. Right now they are playing very happily and chatting about how they're building a house out of Legos for Dora to live in. DH just reminded them that as of this weekend, if they refuse to help clean up, the toys that are on the floor are going to the garage for a week. We'll see how that goes this evening...

I also like the "Be kind" mantra -- that might work for me.

 

I made Alice cry again today with my yelling at her. Royce got time out 3 times today for throwing things and then HITTING THE DOG! But Alice ran away from me in the parking lot so she got the panicky OMG WTF are you doing yell.

 

Oh man, since they turned 2 (or maybe even a few months before), has my yelling increased! I hate it when I yell at them, but sometimes I really feel like I might lose it. I am trying super hard to keep it in check though. I have noticed that they are starting to yell at each other and sometimes at me & DH and I think to myself...hmmmmm, I wonder where they got that from! :blush:

I catch myself all the time praying out loud "Lord, please help me keep my patience...I really need patience right now Lord". Sometimes I go to another room and yell "Are you freaking kidding me?" and then I count to 10 and go back and deal with them. Then there are times where I just stand right in front of them and start taking deep breaths....ignoring them for the moment until I regain control. I am sure they think I am completely insane at times.

I completely agree with Kelly though. Keep them busy, busy, busy. Boredom (or idle time) is a bad thing in our house!

 

Lily bit Jack today and when I went/raced over to pick her up and put her in time out I scared her and she just started to sob. It broke my heart and I ended up gathering her up into a big hug instead of sending her to time out...talk about mixed messages. It was kind of funny though because then Jack started to fake cry sort of like "wait a minute, I am the one that got bit."

Anyway,it scared me that I scared her but I just did not know how else to get the message across that this is a serious thing.

I try to use humour as much as I can as that definitely gets them moving more quickly than anger does. It is just hard to remember sometimes to be funny when you really want to scream!

 

Oh gosh...I used to be a horrendous yeller..my son really hates yelling and I have to blame myself for it because he got yelled at a lot. Poor thing, I learned a bunch from him, so because of it, I try hard not to do the same to the girls. Now that they are 3, I see the habit trying to creep its way in and I have caught myself doing it more and more often. My DH has even said that the girls have mentioned it to him that I have yelled at them and they don't like it. When I get loud, they immediately put their hands over their ears. I have made a consious effort to do what I have told them to do, use my normal voice. I am soooooo much better than I used to be and never want to be that crazy yelling mom that I used to be...but three-year-olds definitely test every limit that you have. It's a battle just to keep a normal voice when you tell them over and over and OVER to stop and they ignore you...ugghhh!

I have to agree though, with pps, when it starts getting really bad, they are getting bored with each other, I can pull out a book or I have activity books that we work in, or the playdough, and everything just mysterioulsy gets better. It's like they just need a change of pace.

 

Honestly Alden, it sounds pretty normal! :blush: I lose it too. I try to do some stuff with them and then I let them watch a movie for quiet time or something to give myself some breathing room! Just know that it's not all flowers and hearts for those of us who are home with them!!

:hug:

 

Who DOESN'T lose control?? I'm a working mom too, and I get angry when I'm exhausted, from staying up all night, working all day, then having kids that do nothing but fuss from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep (So it seems anyways)

I sing, but differently than someone else mentioned. I'll just break into some "If you're happy and you know it" or "London Bridges" and everyone starts singing & dancing with me. By NO means am I perfect, but that gets me through. Then I have a cup of coffee at night to unwind (alcohol doesn't do me any good these days or I'd say a glass of wine) and forget about it all....

Really, the only person I get REALLY angry with is DH. Becuase he seems to always manage to get 'me' time, but I ALWAYS have kids crawling on me except the 8 hours I'm at work. and I can't just bust out with "If you're happy and you know it" with him! LOL

 

So glad to know I'm normal! Since they've turned two, I feel like this most of each day. :gah: They each drive me bonkers in different ways, so I have different ways to deal with it. With my DD, she purposefully pushes my boundaries so I have to totally ignore her. If I react and seem irritated or frustrated at all, she just ramps it up even more. Ignoring it also helps me feel like I'm in control. It's like, "yeah so she is irritating the crap out of me, but I'm not going to give her the reaction she wants." With DS, he has a bad communication delay and his complete lack of trying to communicate in any way other than yelling is soooo frustrating! I have to remind myself that he is only 2 and that he is trying in the only way he knows how. I also resort to TV or a video when the screaming gets too bad and I have no clue what he wants. I am so far from super mom. I just do what I can to make it through the day. I figure it's better for them to get more TV than they should than for me to be yelling at them out of frustration.

 

This is a great post.

My name is Amy and Im a Yelling Mom.

I have really gotten better though, since we've moved out of my mother extremely high tension/stress household and into our own place!
I not only have the twins, but my 4 and 5 yr olds as well. I am a working mom, but I swear AS SOON as we walk in the door my 3 yr old son is crying to eat. It drives me bonkers!! Like, can I cook it, or should I give it to you raw??
Then they are constantly playing and fighting during dinner and after dinner they are just a disaster. They all feed off of eachother and some of the issues we have are because they want individual attention, which is soooo hard to manage.

I really like the singing idea. Ive done that a couple times, but its very hard to remember to sing when they are making me sooo angry.

Also the whispering thing is something my mother suggested. She said if I whisper what I want them to do, they will have to be quiet to hear what Im saying. But really, they wouldnt even know I was whispering because they are SO LOUD, they wouldnt hear me!!

And yes, getting out the door to go somewhere is a HUGE PITA!!

 

I make my boys sing the "Have patience" song at times when they're whining, especially at meal time, when I'm getting them their milk, and they keep asking a billion times for milk! So, that's a good distraction for them and makes me smile at them instead of yell. I will apologize if I do yell, which sounds like, "Timmy, I'm sorry for yelling. Mommy shouldn't yell at you. I need to work on my patience just like you need to work on obeying". So this morning, in the bathroom, he said he needed "privacy" to poop, so I shut the door and left him for a few mins, then I went back to check on him, and he had not pooped, but had unrolled an entire roll of TP, so then I was of course frustrated, told him sternly to go wash his hands...so then he grabs the wash clothes that were on his stool, and flings them across the bathroom, and then of course one of them landed in the toilet, with his pee still in it! So then I yelled! After a few mins, I calmed down and told him I was sorry for yelling, and he says to me, "I forgive you, Mom. Be patient."
It was cute.

 

Elizabeth. Yelling Mom. (For anyone who's ever been to a 12-step meeting full of old-timers, you'll recognize that cadence. Now say,"Hi, Elizabeth!")

Tom has developed a habit recently of asking me, "Mommy angry?" if I show the least sign of frustration OR if he does something for which he expects a reaction. It's actually really helpful, because I have to stop and think about what I want to be communicating. What kills me is when he says, "Mommy happy!" when I'm yelling or otherwise upset. Usually with an uncertain look and his arms out for a hug.

Sometimes the only thing I can do though is ignore. Round them up into the safe room, walk away, and come back in a few after I've calmed down or come up with another management technique.

 

I could have written any of these posts!

So far, it isn't Jacob and Boden pushing my buttons. They are still easy kids. Miss Ella, on the other hand ... well, she is 4.5 and has an attitude 3 times that. She is the one that we get impatient with and lose our tempers with.

I occasionally have to step outside or into the bathroom and just sit still. Luckily we live in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors, so if I need to scream I go right outside and do it without the fear that I'll get the cops called on me. :lol:

I do the singing thing as well ... just a bit ago in fact. Ella got home from preschool and said she was hungry (I pick her up right after they get lunch there). Well, she had eaten less than an hour before so I told her no way, she should have eaten a better lunch. Well, she starts whining and crying and getting a little tantrum-y. So, I started singing, "Ella needs to eat a better lunch (clap clap), Ella needs to eat a better lunch {clap clap}. If she eats a better lunch then she will not need to munch, Ella needs to eat a better lunch {clap clap}." She stopped whining and started laughing and that was that. Plus the boys thought it was funny. :banana:

 

Nice little jingle!!

 

If we're doing the 12-step thing, my intro would actually be "I'm Alden, and I'm anger-avoidant." I am not a yelling mom (yet) -- until the kids were past age 3, it never even occurred to me to yell. I got frustrated, I muttered and swore under my breath, I sometimes snapped at the cat (poor kitty), but yelling at the kids was so far outside the pale for me that I just couldn't imagine myself ever doing it. My parents never yelled at me (as far as I can remember), DH and I have never (ever) yelled at each other, it just isn't in my makeup.

But fast-forward to age 3.5 and I find myself struggling not to yell at them -- and the anger just gets bottled up inside until I feel like I need to throw some dishes against the wall or something. Since my usual response to situations that make me angry is to run away from them, it's a challenge to be the parent and have that not be an option. So it's helpful to have some suggestions for how to defuse myself!

 

One word from me: Prozac!

I never had to have anti-anxiety meds until I had the boys. Then I found that I just had a really hard time keeping my cool. I still yell at times but not nearly as bad if I'm not taking it. I tried to stop it a few weeks ago and found myself so angry and impatient.

 

:rofl: Awesome.

:wavey: Yelling Mom here too, and I HATE it. :blush: I do get myself in check often so I nip it in the bud and realize that we are all SOOO much happier when I'm in control. But WOW do they know how to push buttons!!

 

I do this. They now know that its mommy having a time out. Ana actually did it to me the other day. She just closed her eyes and started breathing deeply and then said "Mommy I'm taking a time out."

I've also been known to go in the other room and just scream like a maniac.

 

When I'm feeling really aggravated I tend to take one deep breath and blow it all out hard through my nose -- the kids now know that means Mommy is close to losing it. I noticed Amy doing it the other day too, though I couldn't tell whether she was really upset or whether she was just mimicking me for fun. :ibiggrin: (They are also into "pretend crying" and other types of pretend emotions right now, so sometimes it's hard to tell!)

 

Man, I've had issues with this lately since DH has been working weekends and late nights there are NO breaks for me and the whining and neverending piles make me nuts. When I need to diffuse my anger it helps to turn on some music. I instantly feel better. I also take 5 and check e-mail as my little escape rather than explode. It's so hard to remember to do this rather than be angry though, I'll admit!

 

I am also a Working mom and what most people have already said is exactly what happens in our household. But another "perspective" is that, yes, the children are miserable around you, but how did they act all day at school, or out in public.

The answer for us is that they are usually VERY good children at school and just a living nightmare for me at home, especially when DH isn't around to help out. If I had to pick between them acting up for me, or for their teachers, I would choose ME! They need that time to unwind and if they need to cry and pout and be completely unreasonable, I would much rather it be me that handles it, then someone else...

 

And I really have to watch my language. They're still saying "Cheese is crust!" after I, um, took somebody's name in vain one time. Good thing I managed not to insert my customary f****** between the "cheese" and the "crust."
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so funny

 

I try very hard to understand. When they're driving me crazy, it's usually because they need some direction for what to do with themselves. Often, they are being destructive and the last thing I want to do is give them an activity where they could cause more damage so I'll send them outside to run some steam off. Our biggest challenge is when I have to get them somewhere at a specific time (somewhere they don't care to go) or we're out and they'd rather be doing something else. They don't do so well following directions then and it's very frustrating. I've totally been that mom carrying a kicking and screaming child to the car because a timeout isn't enough sometimes. Lots of deep breathing and reminding myself that they're annoying because they're THREE... then I come and tell the tale to someone as soon as I get a minute. Writing it out helps me gain humor and perspective.

Oh, and I do also lose it and yell sometimes. I've even spanked them though we're not a spanking household. Those moments are when they know I'm dead serious and because it's so rare, it's effective. Do anything too often and it ceases to be useful. OH, and I've also put them in a timeout and just gone to the next room to scream into a pillow. They ask what I'm doing and I tell them I'm taking a minute to get calm too.

 

OMGosh I so needed to read this post today. Thank you for starting it. I'm a yeller too. I feel like my head might pop off some days, especially night time. I still have a hard time trying to keep them in their own beds and go to sleep. I switch it up with complete calmness some nights too just to keep them on their toes! hahaha!
I hate yelling, it makes me feel miserable and like I'm a terrible mommy, but I do find that if I pray too about it and try to be aware of it I do much better.
Might have to try the singing thing too.

 

My name is Heather and i am a yelling mommy too (and have been for 15 yrs now! I swore I would not yell at A&A but this is a trying age!!)

UHG!!!! My 5 all seem to do the opposite of what they should ALOT. It has gotten to where I rejoice when the bus comes to get my 3 boys and I dread 4:00. They fight so bad and everyday is like Groundhog day the same crap different day! and Now that the dynamic duo is 2 - they are trying me TOO!! they want the same toy even though we have 2 or more of EVERYTHING. AND they have started this I don't want to stay buckled in my carseat crap! I yell at home and in the car.

The mother's morning out program A&A went to last year just sent me a dvd of pics and videos from last year. The music on the dvd was a song by I have no idea who but it is "It won't be like this for Long" the lyrics of the song made me cry because it is so true - they won't be like this for long. now every time I feel the need to yell I remember that song and it helps.